No one to share things with

I spoke to a friend on the phone today. She lost her only sibling many years ago, married and lost her DH to cancer. Both her parents are gone. She has no one.
Yet, she told me today she has never felt happier. She has finished work and fills her days with all kinds of social activities- she goes out every single day.
She often goes on cruises by herself and has just booked another one- she has joined a local womens group who are organising a group holiday to Spain in the summer.
It was a real pleasure to chat to her today and tell her she looks and sounds great.
I don't know why I'm telling you this except maybe to say you aren't on your own.

I can understand how you feel.
Firstly do realise that not many people do things with siblings. I have a sibling and we rarely meet. It’s common.
Many children move away so make sure contact is maintained regularly. Make sure you establish a routine when it comes to messaging, phoning or visiting. Then there is always something to look forward to. And don’t be afraid to let them know you love and miss them.
As for friends, not everyone has the perfect life they would lead you to believe.
As for your DH, I don’t think men feel the same as we do. They can be hard to talk to and often just want to find practical solutions.
Your son is unpredictable at the moment but this may change. Perhaps he is not yet settled.
It seems you have a good family who are still finding their own paths. Anything could change. I speak from experience. Once I was in despair and depressed regarding my family but things have improved in my life and I didn’t see it coming. I am sure things will work out for you if you are patient.

Thank you! 🤩

MannySue45- Have you thought of joining your local U3A group? Within that there will be various outings and group activities to join- e.g ours has dancing, foreign language, book, lunch, theatre, walking groups etc etc.

Each group will have its members that enjoy that activity. Find one where the topic of conversation is not focussed on discussion of children- e.g. a book group will focus on the subject matter of the book and conversations will flow from that.

No one has a perfect life and comparisons can lead to heart ache. Everyone is unique and has something to offer when you get to know theie qualities as a person- rather than by how many children they have, how often they see each other compared to yourself etc.

I have made some wonderful friends through my U3A membership.

Sorry typo correction- NannySue45 not "M".

I can't understand who a person makes themselves slightly vulnerable by saying they are struggling and then is told to "join things" or about a woman who is living life to the full.

For what it's worth NannySue, siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be.

It's that elusive middle ground isn't it? Some light friends who actually listen to you and connect with you?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

A very dear friend of mine lost her only sibling last February, suddenly from a heart attack at 65, she was then 66.

She’s lived alone for many many years in South of France.

She been married twice and had many gentlemen callers but never had any children.

She has no relatives left alive now, but is very comfortable and lives life as best she can.

She had very serious bowel cancer 14 years ago and remains as fit as possible.

We are in touch fairly regularly after a long break (my choice) and just sometimes I’ll get a plaintive text requesting a virtual hug, she undoubtedly has dark dark times but most of the time she tries extraordinarily hard to count her blessings.

She dearly wanted children, had many tries at IVF and a natural pregnancy, all ended in early miscarriages, this doesn’t stop her ever asking after our children and requesting photos.

Life is tough and we all need to do our very best to see a glass half full and count our blessings, which at times is incredibly hard.

I wish you well

sixandahalf

I can't understand who a person makes themselves slightly vulnerable by saying they are struggling and then is told to "join things" or about a woman who is living life to the full.

For what it's worth NannySue, siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be.

It's that elusive middle ground isn't it? Some light friends who actually listen to you and connect with you?

Some of us do this, whilst showing empathy, to illustrate it is possible to build a new and different life, however hard it seems, I think it’s meant as encouragement, that’s exactly why I did this

Nannysue you don’t come across as needy, just lonely x

sixandahalf 13.16: "I can't understand who a person makes themselves slightly vulnerable by saying they are struggling and then is told to "join things" or about a woman who is living life to the full....It's that elusive middle ground isn't it? Some light friends who actually listen to you and connect with you?"

Do you actually have any suggestions that may help OP find such friends sixandahalf?

Cossy 13.24: "Some of us do this, whilst showing empathy, to illustrate it is possible to build a new and different life, however hard it seems, I think it’s meant as encouragement, that’s exactly why I did this smile".

I absolute agree with you Cossy. I joined my local U3A at a very low ebb in life as someone had kindly suggested it might help.

NannySue45 posted: 'My friends are constantly going on holidays, theatre trips, outings .... even just coffee with their daughters/family and I really miss this opportunity. I do go on group outings etc but I really wish I had someone close to share things with. My husband doesn't understand and thinks I'm unreasonable for feeling upset. When I go out with my group of friends they are always talking about their wonderful children and all the things they do together. I find myself not wanting to go out with them and having to listen to it all." .

NannySue45 - it sounds like you wish to find some new friends that don't talk about their wonderful children all the time- I know the feeling 🥱. I made my suggestion along those lines but if not for you entirely understandable. What ever you choose, I wish you well and hope things improve for you over time so you feel less lost and lonely. 💐 💐

NannySue45, oh dear, you've got yourself in a pickle. You have a husband, a daughter, granddaughter, a son and friends. Maybe you are depressed, that may be why you're feeling so negative about life at the moment.

I'm an only child and love it. My husband is one of five, and I know what I'd prefer. They have very little to do with one another and on the odd occasion they do get together, it isn't a pleasant experience 🙄.

You can get caught up in how "wonderful" other people's lives are, their "happy" families, "exotic" holidays to far flung places, but things aren't always as they seem.

Suggest doing things with your husband, be friends with him, visit garden centres, have lunch out, go to the cinema ... Visit your daughter and grandchildren for the weekend. Invite your son for dinner.

It's easy to do nothing and be disappointed that people aren't coming to you with offers, but if it bothers you then you have to put more effort in.

There are loads of clubs available in most towns, I'm sure one of your friends would be interested in attending them with you.

Maybe you and your husband could join a club together or go swimming, a coffee and chat afterwards with other people may bring on new friendships, you never know.

I'm very happy with my own company, always have been, but I can understand that some people enjoy the company of others.

Please keep off things like Facebook, I've never been on it but have heard that lots of people post photos of every possible "look at me" situation to convey what a "fantastic" life they lead. But you don't see the whole picture of their lives.

Be thankful for what you've got, not sad for what you haven't got.

Nobody's life is perfect, just make the most of it 💐.

Nanny Sue 45 . Siblings aren’t they’re cracked up to be. I have two and both aren’t local , so I don’t see them as often as I’d like . We speak on the phone weekly though .
Regarding your DD , arrange regular catch up sessions . Maybe FaceTime on a Sunday. Or plan a weekend with her and your GC. Or arrange meet-ups with your DS at the weekends . Cinema or just coffee.
This way you can contribute to your friends conversations about their DC .
I don’t have GC yet and when my friends talk about their GC , I listen politely and try and change the subject. I’m in some friendship groups where some are single and some don’t have children.
I often think that people whose conversations are only about their DC and GC have quite boring lives .
I’m ambivalent about joining groups as it’s not for everyone and can take a while to make close connections.
Maybe your dd moving away has made you a bit low and lost . I felt the same when my sister moved away .
But there’s lots of good ideas on here . 💐

I’m a heart on my sleeve person and if I’m chatting to anyone anywhere regardless I will share anything if I feel they may listen and reciprocate. It seems more often than not I’m the listener but I’m not afraid to share at all. It seems more that others need to share which is fine with me.

Do you actually have any suggestions that may help OP find such friends sixandahalf?

Can we "find friends", I'm not entirely sure.We can certainly build up a little bank of loose connections, perhaps being flexible is the way to go.

You do at least have your DH at home to talk to- why won’t he go with you?
Come back to an empty house after a solitary trip to a cinema because it’s Sunday and «everybody» seems to be involved with their families. One of the features of widowhood is that you find you have «nobody to do nothing with».
You may have to be more proactive in suggesting outings to other women you - and of course risk rejection- or find some interest you and your DH can share - or, bite the bullet as I often do and go on your own.

PS I have no living siblings- my only sister died of Alzheimer’s in Canada 18 months ago and my three DDs live 2 hours away in different directions.

I can understand how you feel. You mention going out with a group of friends, but have you thought of just meeting one for a coffee? Suggesting a one to one meeting might be a way to find different things in common. Also maybe 2/3 s for lunch.
Often group get togethers ramble through topics that might not be everyone’s interests.

Find a new set of friends that you can relate to.
Maybe a gardening group? Try the local community centre see what's about, book club? Usually the library runs one or will know of one, in fact many groups have notices up in the local library, even though you have a partner its nice to have a set of friends to chat with that don't make you feel the odd one out, I made a new set of friends volunteering in a charity shop, customers and workmates. Once a week my husband goes into a day centre and as soon as he is established in I head to the shop.
Give it all a go, even walking a dog people chat to you
.I hope you find your new friends

Get yourself a younger man. You know a bit on the side. It works wonders.

I echo LemonJams recommendation of the U3a (University of the 3rd age) most have MOTO groups (members on their own) as well as a huge range of other groups. It's a great way to meet people.

I agree with J52; choose someone from your existing group and invite her for coffee/lunch somewhere to get to know her better. Then do the same thing with another from the group. Rinse as repeat till you have built up a network that you're comfortable with. I'm an only child too and understand how intimidating (and exhausting) it can be to start off with a whole crowd of strangers

I read somewhere that we are led to believe that everybody has at least one BFF but it is a myth. I can't remember the numbers but it is such a small percentage that do. It made me feel so much better as my last real best friend was when I was in primary school and we lost touch...my fault entirely. I have made a real effort to socialise in the last couple of years and although I have not necessarily made a BFF, I have at last found someone I can talk to. Don't give up, don't feel sad, you never know what is around the corner if you socialise.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

NannySue45, oh dear, you've got yourself in a pickle. You have a husband, a daughter, granddaughter, a son and friends. Maybe you are depressed, that may be why you're feeling so negative about life at the moment.

I'm an only child and love it. My husband is one of five, and I know what I'd prefer. They have very little to do with one another and on the odd occasion they do get together, it isn't a pleasant experience 🙄.

You can get caught up in how "wonderful" other people's lives are, their "happy" families, "exotic" holidays to far flung places, but things aren't always as they seem.

Suggest doing things with your husband, be friends with him, visit garden centres, have lunch out, go to the cinema ... Visit your daughter and grandchildren for the weekend. Invite your son for dinner.

It's easy to do nothing and be disappointed that people aren't coming to you with offers, but if it bothers you then you have to put more effort in.

There are loads of clubs available in most towns, I'm sure one of your friends would be interested in attending them with you.

Maybe you and your husband could join a club together or go swimming, a coffee and chat afterwards with other people may bring on new friendships, you never know.

I'm very happy with my own company, always have been, but I can understand that some people enjoy the company of others.

Please keep off things like Facebook, I've never been on it but have heard that lots of people post photos of every possible "look at me" situation to convey what a "fantastic" life they lead. But you don't see the whole picture of their lives.

Be thankful for what you've got, not sad for what you haven't got.

Nobody's life is perfect, just make the most of it 💐.

👏👏👏👏👏 👍👍

RosiesMawagain

You do at least have your DH at home to talk to- why won’t he go with you?
Come back to an empty house after a solitary trip to a cinema because it’s Sunday and «everybody» seems to be involved with their families. One of the features of widowhood is that you find you have «nobody to do nothing with».
You may have to be more proactive in suggesting outings to other women you - and of course risk rejection- or find some interest you and your DH can share - or, bite the bullet as I often do and go on your own.

I know exactly what you mean. I've only recently plucked up enough courage to actually go to the cinema or theatre on my own but as you say, I always have to go back to an empty house.