Anxiety

You are not anti social. A few years ago I had to tell my husband that his company was not wanted by one couple. He is always the one who latches on to a couple and basically stalks them round a resort. On this occasion after a few days they approached me at reception when he had gone back to the room. Very politely told me they thought my oh was overly friendly and could I tell him not to join them again in a bar or restaurant as they wanted time for themselves. There needs to be a balance from a friendly hello and chat to swapping your life history with strangers.

Dylis

I have just returned from a holiday in Menorca with my husband. It was wonderful, our hotel was filled with elderly Spanish people who knew how to enjoy themselves! They spoke little English and we spoke even less Spanish. They were very gracious and welcoming. Not having to make small talk with other people was refreshing.
Last year we spent a week in a hotel full of Brits who launched into their life stories at the drop of a hat. We even took to hiding from one particular chap who would have talked at us for hours given the chance. Not a conversation, he just wanted an audience.
You are not anti social!

We had a similar situation last year . We were in southern Crete and met no Brits during our time there . It’s a 2 hour drive from the airport, so most Brits cba to do the drive . We had Dutch , Belgians and Germans at our hotel and it was lovely to meet them .
We’ve recently returned from the Caribbean and had British couples and Americans latching on to us with their full life histories . We too hid from some .

Oh kissngate how utterly embarrassing for you. Were you mortified? I’d have been.

However I expect you treated the situation with aplomb. I’m curious though to know how your husband reacted? 😮

I used to be very shy and almost had a panic attack if I was meeting new people at a party or event.
My DGMiL who was a mentor for me used to say "just show your face to be polite, then you can slip away whenever you want"
Using her rule has helped me no end.

Now I have lost my anxiety to such an extent that I probably annoy people by chatting up strangers!

Oh to get it right.

You've had some good advice here. I hope you can enjoy your next holiday.

Trouble is, your husband sounds the opposite to you.

He probably finds it a bit (hate to say) restricting being just with you when away, and enjoys meeting up with others and socialising. Sees holidays as an opportunity to make new acquaintances.

We like to be pleasant to others when away, but no way do we want to get too pally with anyone.

I understand how you feel..When you both have busy jobs and are sometimes like ships in the night, a holiday together is your time,. Some people you meet just like an audience and latch on.. Now widowed, I holiday quite often on my own, I am friendly but never latch on to anyone. I get anxious over things I never used to. You and your husband have different ideas about socialising and I think you need to explain to him just how you feel and meet each other half way.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Oh kissngate how utterly embarrassing for you. Were you mortified? I’d have been.

However I expect you treated the situation with aplomb. I’m curious though to know how your husband reacted? 😮

FGT- he was really upset and didn't leave the room until evening to go for food. Then we walked into a restaurant saw them sat in a corner he was so embarrassed we left. After that he avoided them which wasn't easy over 10 days.

However this wasn't the first time I'd had to tell him albeit the first time on time on holiday (although I've thought before couples were avoiding us!!). I once had the wife of a friend of his ring me to tell him to stop phoning and calling round. But it was another guy who told him straight. They had a mutual hobby but played for different teams my oh in a much higher division. To my surprise oh announces just before start of season he was no longer playing for Club A but Club D who this guy played for. First match he comes home furious discovered his so called friend has left the team. When he phones him finds out in no uncertain terms that he is the reason for it. That was many years ago he rarely goes out now.

My husband was always a quiet stay at home person with hobbies at home. When I was younger I was embarrassed to have to decline dinner parties etc because he wouldn’t go. Now I’m older I just tell it like it is- everyone’s different and I socialise with my women friends and we’re both happy.
Don’t be afraid to say count me out I prefer to read my book after a lovely day. Have something ready to say in a friendly way. BE YOURSELF as other posters have said. You have as much right to do what you want to do as the others can do their own thing. Whatever makes you happy especially on holiday.

Shimmer, there is nothing wrong with you. You simply need to learn few tricks to get you through having to socialise with uncongenial people.

Keep your personal space and dignity whatever you say to strangers. It is called 'being your own person'. I hope your husband does not inflict uncongenial company for long periods.

On those occasions can you tolerate maybe five minutes of polite ly smiling exchanges and then excuse yourself?

You know that thing about Fear of Being Overlooked (FOBO)
What about FOBI Fear of Being Involved.

I don’t know any man that understands anything about women. Too selfish!

It's that same old thing of "he likes horse racing, she likes football" Each could do a little of the other's preference, a little of their own and a little of neither!

There is nothing wrong with you! Why does everyone think that being outgoing is automatically better than being an introvert?
Let me ask you. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? That is part of the journey we are all on.
I’ve been there - rethinking everything I said for days. It’s miserable.
First of all, no one is criticizing you the way you are criticizing yourself. No one. They are not thinking about anything you said.
Secondly, most people are focused on themselves and not you.
To that end, as an introvert, one of the tools I’ve learned is simply asking people questions in social situations. People generally love to talk about their lives, grandchildren, hobbies etc.
I do think your husbands insensitivity is a separate issue and has nothing to do with you. It’s his problem if he hasn’t learned to accept and support who you are. Try not to take that personally.
But most of all, think about learning to love yourself exactly as you are. Sure visit your GP to rule out anything that might help. But otherwise, be you. 💕

I do feel for anyone who has social anxiety - very hard to live with. I know that many people do recover and in case it is helpful, here is an NHS link which might help anyone suffering from it.
www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/social-anxiety-self-help-guide/

maybe you're like me, a highly sensitive person and don't want to speak to others all the time. Look it up, it might explain why you feel as you do

Shimmer. I am exactly the same. Our first cruise holiday was difficult because we had to share a table of eight. After that I begged for a table for two. I no longer blame myself. Its the way I'm made. My husband is very outgoing but he understands its not what I want. He has a lot of social activities at home. I happily stay at home. Just accept its the way your are.

Don't call yourself antisocial, Shimmer. That means showing hostility to society, often active.
It's okay to be unsociable You don't have to love being with people you don't know and will probably never see again.
I think notspaghetti made some excellent comments 👌

You don’t sound anti social to me. When I go away I love people watching and really enjoy that. I was terribly shy as a teenager but pushed from an early age into working in the City of London, my colleagues showed me the ropes. Circumstances meant I was put into college at the age of 14 and by 15 was working in Liverpool street. Since then I continued to work in the City for 20 years, entertaining clients from Africa etc. I had to learn small talk. At 35 I started businesses and in my sixties for a bit of fun I worked as a film extra and was immediately given a speaking part. I did a Bollywood film in a London park and lots more, all giving me great confidence. Since breaking three bones and Covid, I am nervous to go out alone in case I fall, so I fully understand how you feel. I’ve been married for 45 years to a Westernised man from the Middle East and when we go on holiday he dreads meeting strangers because he is asked his life story and he has told it so many times, not what you want when enjoying a meal in a restaurant.

Sounds more like depression than anxiety to me. I suggest you talk to your GP. Not antisocial but not entirely 'right'. Maybe better staying at home if youfeel that way. Also not fair on your husband. Youhave to consider his feelings too not just want him to do what suits you.

SpinDriftCoastal

I think there are two sides to this question. Some people just get a buzz out of meeting and chatting to people, and others, like me, like to connect with people on the same wave length. Have you ever explored your social anxiety with a psychologist? I discovered that I was just a miserable person when in the wrong company, but give me the right company, and I had a great time.

For me it's not like this.
I have social anxiety and if I really enjoy someone's company, it's more stressful because I'm more anxious about doing or saying something silly and putting them off.
I do tend to avoid the people I like best, but luckily there are a few exceptions I've known ages & am (nearly) relaxed with now.

I would've been just the same as the OP in that situation on holiday - I don't mind a good chat with strangers once, but no wish to have to live on my nerves all holiday.

I totally get it I very much want to be left alone when on holiday but my husband talks to anybody and everybody it drives me mad

I do hope that people who know they have social anxiety will consider getting help. It really can make a difference - not a magic wand of course, but a good chance it really can be alleviated.
Of course the anxiety itself makes it harder to ask for help - so I wish you the courage to take that step and see your GP. CBT does seem to help a lot of people leave that anxiety behind. Sending you lots of good wishes and hopes for a happier future.

I was bullied badly after finishing boarding school . I always felt like an outsider in my home town. Being an only child I kept it all bottled up. I’m not sure if my parents would have understood. I became very introverted as the years went on and now I’m happier alone even though I do have a few good friends. Small talk with strangers is exhausting for me. We like to holiday in quieter places.

You are not antisocial. Being away from all the everydayness of home gives you a new perspective on life and each other. The distraction of mundane chores is a wonderful lift to the spirit.
So no ........your fine !

My OH has always been very gregarious especially in his drinking years , he is now a non drinker but has recently caught up with friends from many years ago. We have spent a holiday at their home in Cornwall at their request. I found this excruciating, although lovely welcoming people ,sitting chatting night after night so as not to be anti social drove me mad I was practically wriggling in the seat to get away. I don't cope well with situations like this and have put my foot down about future visits, nights out with his friends. I dont socialise myself so dont mind if he goes without me. Shimmer ,I think you should too as it just causes so much stress.