If you are dealing with narcissism, let’s all help each other.

I forgot to say this to maybe help others - that getting out of that life can be so difficult for so long but, when you see the family relaxed at last in their own home without that toxic atmosphere, it’s definitely worthwhile.

I had a complex relationship/marriage with my now ex wife.
Love bombed at the beginning, gifts, holidays etc but it descended into my waking in eggshells all of the time, enduring endless put downs, sarcasm, tedious boring monologues about how wonderful she was and exhausting myself trying to make everything perfect.
When my best friend died we had a video call and she was so full of how her hair dresser had told her that she was so beautiful etc that she forgot to even ask how I was.
We lasted about 13 years together. Only because for much of the time due to her international work we lived in different countries only being together a few weeks at a time.
The crunch came with her retirement and buying an apartment in the Canary Islands. She took herself off for months at a time enjoying being the centre of attention with all her new pals.
By this time I had had enough and had met someone else who is the kindest loving person I’ve ever known.
The break up was horrendous. Her narcissistic rage and collapse, no responsibility of anything that happened and pilled all the blame into me. Verbal abuse, writing abuse to my friends and trying to make out that it was me who was the narcissist.
It’s taken me two years of therapy to understand what was going on and to fully extricate myself emotionally. Trauma bonding is deeply painful.
I’m doing the things that I want to do now whilst I’m still able to and I consider myself fortunate that I’m no longer trapped in the most boring and controlling marriage ever.

@Sago, a clinical diagnosis is not a matter of admission or denial. It’s a matter of a physician assigning a diagnosis from the DSM-5, like any other psych diagnosis. One would need to see a psychiatrist, be assessed, and then diagnosed. I highly doubt all the people labelling others have spoken to their psychiatrists, who then violated patient confidentiality to disclose the NPD diagnosis to others. Yes, people can be observed by anyone as selfish and manipulative, but that is entirely different to casually assigning them a personality disorder.

I don't think one ever recovers from living with one. I do know that they won't let you go until you are no longer necessary to them and then they discard which leaves scars that run deep. I am now incapable of any kind of trust or ability to form conections. I've been on my own for 10 years now and don't expect that to change. But at least I have peace.

Oh dear, what makes you think that. I disagree. I have friends and family who are defiantly not narcissistic.

MissChateline Your ex sounds like my Mother…zero empathy, she would have felt that compliment was more important than your grief

When I was 36 with 3 young children, I came out of hospital having had a tumour removed, she came to “help”.
She sat there telling me how she had had a mole removed (cosmetic) and how painful it had been, she then banged on about the scarring and how people in Church had been staring at it😳.
I was sitting there with dressings and drains not knowing if I would see my children grow up.
I’m glad you’re now free.

Essexgirl145 You are right narcs leave deep scars.

I too have trust issues and unwanted behaviours as a result of my upbringing, I feel responsible for everyone’s emotional state and I still put my own needs last.

The day my Mother died I started to breathe again, my life is so much more peaceful now.

Sago, I too finally found peace after my mother died. And a bit of relief to be honest. It was freeing to know that I no longer had to live in the toxic cycle she created. It was never ending with her.

I have to say I'm confused about the whole narcissist thing. Living with someone with such a personality trait must be horrendous and in my family we have one. But to be diagnosed with the actual disorder can only really be carried out by a psychologist.

Sadly, it is untreatable. You cannot make any headway with a person who has a superior intellect, is never wrong, and does not care what he or she does to anyone. We had such a person in our famly for some years and it was devastating. I do not use that word lightly. The trauma did not begin to go away until we heard that the person had died.

Nanny27

I have to say I'm confused about the whole narcissist thing. Living with someone with such a personality trait must be horrendous and in my family we have one. But to be diagnosed with the actual disorder can only really be carried out by a psychologist.

You are right ,try telling a narc they may have a disorder is impossible, they are rarely diagnosed.
We are all amateur psychiatrists using our knowledge of NPD to diagnose.

I agree wholeheartedly and understand what you have been through. My son is now divorced from the narcissist but their children live mainly with her. He has survived but we’re really worried about the children. They’re too young to find out the truth about their mother but how can we save them from becoming her next victim?
Please, can we hear more about how to deal with this kind of situation?

It’s interesting that most posts are about mothers/ wives!! Husbands are narcissistic as well. I think I had both!!!!!!
My mother was no genuine support to me and I was pulled between them as they vied for supremely!!
They are both now deceased but managed to turn my only child against me - and I have no access with my 2 granddaughters!!
I’m genuinely unsure how you deal with someone who cares so little for others!! I thought I had done the best for my girl supported her was proud of her and always told her how much I loved her - and she acknowledged that but he still got to her after we separated!!!!!!!!!!
They lie, manipulate, play games, lean on some made up weakness, blame others!!
All you really can do as a grandparent is hang in there, be there, don’t ever be critical because they will work on that and show them a different type of love, honesty, truth and trust and keep your fingers crossed!!

Love59

I agree wholeheartedly and understand what you have been through. My son is now divorced from the narcissist but their children live mainly with her. He has survived but we’re really worried about the children. They’re too young to find out the truth about their mother but how can we save them from becoming her next victim?
Please, can we hear more about how to deal with this kind of situation?

Here is a link to the Greyrock method.
The key is not fuelling the fire.
There are other methods books etc but they are all based on the Greyrock principle.

Sorry forgot the link!

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

It was only when someone suggested I read up on narcissism that suddenly lightbulbs started going off in my head, so many of the now ex husband's behaviours were classic narcissistic behaviours. If only I'd known sooner. Things is assumed were just him were classic signs of narcissism.
He wouldn't ever have taken himself off to the doc because of his behaviour. After all it wasn't a problem for him, only for others round him. OP, read up on narcissistic behaviour. Read accounts of people who've been affected by narcissistic behaviour and if you start thinking, yes, rhat's happened to me, again and again, it doesn't matter that the person hasn't been diagnosed. If I wake up and my nose is running, my throat hurts, I'm sneezing, I've got a headache and a bit of a temperature, I think I've got a cold, I need to start doing things to help it get better and to help with the symptoms. I don't need to have the cold diagnosed. If I feel the prickling on my lip I think I'm coming down with a cold sore, and if I do nothing the sore usually bursts out, if I get the cream to help deal with it . I don't need a doctor to diagnose it
By their fruits shall you know them.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
I wish I'd known what I was dealing with a lot sooner, life would have been a lot easier, both with him and a handful of other people I've had to interact with in my working and personal life. I'm now less trusting in general, and have worked on my boundaries.
Read up about gaslighting too and other manipulative behaviours that seek to threaten your sanity. And how narcissists find their targets
Maybe write down things that happened, as much as you can remember, and add to it as you remember more. You will be able to see that the behaviour wasn't a one off, it was habitual and look at it from the outside, and learn to recognize the behaviours to help you spot them early. One thing I spotted as a red flag, very intense sharing far too soon, and love bombing. Writing things down helped me a lot, it brought lots of things to the surface, recognizing them, acknowledging them, like digging out bits of long buried shrapnel, or lancing an abscess, so that there was less and less to come to the surface and catch me out. The scars will always be there, but acknowledging it. talking about what happened/ thinking about it isn't so upsetting any more, I can think of something that happened, without getting upset and I can deal with it, mostly anyway.
As well as grey rock, there is also yellow rock, which has the basics of grey rock, but you are in a situation where you have to interact with someone. Narcissists enjoy any attention, they love to feel important to you. So you behave as grey rock but bring the matter in hand into the conversation as briefly and as businesslike as possible, don't let them try and get you to go beyond the matter in hand, just stick to the matter in hand. Politely. Not nastily, just not engaging apart from the necessary matter in hand

I had to look up grey rock, cannot say I agree with it. It could easily tip someone over the edge not getting the reaction they want. Walk away. They won't change. They get worse. Do it sooner than later as it all ends up the same, eventually you will break and have to get away. .