MarieElla
I think yiu need therapy or training to change your mindset.
You need to accept people for themselves not for their gender, race, background, etc...
There’s more chance of draining the North Sea than the OP changing her mindset
Gransnet forums
Relationships
Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?
(38 Posts)My eldest, C (22 years old) started seeing his current partner, A (24 years old) three years ago.
I will be honest, I was, at first, not thrilled with the relationship. First, I was a bit jarred by the age difference. C was born in 2004 whereas A was born in 2001. I worried she might have an upper hand in the relationship, and her experience with life could place him in a subservient role, even though I've raised him to be an independent, assertive young man. Second, I am Korean, and I always imagined my sons - I have two boys, aged 28 and 24 - would end up with Korean women. I would ask him from time to time if he had met any cute Korean girls at university, and every time I would get the same response: "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white." I did not think that was very respectful, but I let it go.
We had a lot of arguments over the years due to some unfortunate statements I made as I suspected the relationship wasn't serious... I may have suggested once or twice that it might be good for him to “keep his options open” since they were still so young. At one point C stopped speaking to me for a bit when I tried to explain that cultural compatibility matters and that Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers, etc. In my experience, that is the truth.
To be clear: I apologized if I offended A, as this was not my inten. However, my son and DIL have not been able to let these "rocky beginnings" go, unfortunately.
They eloped in early 2025. It was literally just C, A and their dog. I tried not to take this decision personally. That said, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that my own son did not want me to share this beautiful moment with them... I had to do some reflecting, especially in regards to what kind of mother (and mother-in-law) I had been over the last few years. So I have tried very hard to make things right since she got pregnant. I bought gifts, brought over homemade meals, sent articles about baby care, and apologized, time and again, if I had offended her. I explained myself and even offered some reflections on cultural differences, tips for how to make different worldviews work within a marriage. My husband is white, British born, so I have had plenty of my own experiences. Nothing worked... none of my affection or generosity was returned. It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem.
A had their son in March. My husband and I were not allowed to be present during the birth or even visit afterward because she "didn't feel right". I understood and respected that at face value, though I heard (from mutual acquaintances) that her parents were there the entire time. I didn't want to assume the worst, but it was more and more difficult not to feel singled out... In the meantime, I tried to be thoughtful, bought lavish gifts for both the new mother and the boy, offered homemade meals. He said they appreciated my effort... but she still "wasn't feeling OK yet", so I was not allowed to see the baby.
I saw my grandson for the first time last week. I felt this had gone on long enough and took initiative, took time off work, and let C know I would be coming by. I don’t think a grandmother should have to beg for permission to meet her grandson. Since this visit, however, C and A have been ignoring my messages and calls, not a clue as to what is going on on their side, as my visit was pleasant and everyone seemed content. A was looking radiant if a bit tired, and the baby was peaceful and calm when I held him.
Have I gone wrong? At this point, I am at a loss. I have reflected, apologized, made efforts, been generous, and shown nothing but love. Meanwhile, A continues to keep me at arm’s length while allowing her own family full access.
How can I get through to A and win her over so that I am allowed to care for my grandson and share special moments with him just like her mother does? Have any of you gone through anything like this?
MarieElla
What is your husband's take on all this?
Probably keeping well out of it if he has any sense and puts it down to warring women.
My husband and I were not allowed to be present during the birth
Good grief!! How intrusive!
As for not feeling right and not wanting visitors straight away as soon as your DIL had given birth, I can empathise with that.
Where's John McEnroe when you need him?
Sadly, I think that the answer to your question, Cello player, seems to be yes.
I'm not sure how easy it will be for you to build bridges with your DIL after all of this
Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?
Wtf have I just read? Entice her with a hummingbird? But of course! When you've got a racist, misogynistic, sexist mother in law..... a hummingbird is the answer! Jfc.
Yes, you are the problem.
Why does age matter? My husband is older, never a question.
Were your parents accepting of your marriage to a white man?
At one point C stopped speaking to me for a bit when I tried to explain that cultural compatibility matters and that Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers, etc. In my experience, that is the truth.
Extremely offensive and judgemental. How in the world did your experiences lead to such a ludicrous declaration? Personally I see no way forward from your statements. Perhaps pray your son will soften?
I am South East Asian and my husband is English. I really, really struggle when my daughter was growing up due to differences in culture. When I was working, I often asked my English colleagues for their advice.
I am very close to my daughter. However, recently, she mentioned that I sometimes have no filter and can make offensive remarks without thinking. Perhaps due to my Asian upbringing which really upsets me.
We, Asian parents tend to be get too involved with our adult child’s life and sometimes critical of their life choices. Unlike English parents. Your son and DIL have picked up your ‘prejudice’ towards non Korean woman, and have therefore kept you at arms length.
So, best thing to do is to back off. Do not send articles about baby care or reflections of cultural differences. Do not give any advice unless they ask for it. Do not interfere with their life and let them make their own mistakes. Dont barger them and ask 'When can I see my grandson?'
Focus on your own life. Let them approach you. Hopefully, if they see you have changed, in future, they will include you in their life.
My siblings living overseas are Muslims. One of my nephews is getting married to a young Chinese lady and there will be a tea drinking ceremony during their wedding in the summer.
My twin sister married an Indian guy and their youngest daughter is currently dating a Chinese bloke.
Both sets of parents have given their children’s inter racial relationships their blessing.
sixandahalf
Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?
brilliant! well remembered!
Cardamom
^Can you entice her with a small gift? Does she like hummingbirds at all?^
Wtf have I just read? Entice her with a hummingbird? But of course! When you've got a racist, misogynistic, sexist mother in law..... a hummingbird is the answer! Jfc.
you have missed the reference, no need to swear
I am at a loss about giving advice about building bridges but I will just say that —
Whatever you do don’t write to them to explain yourself.
Once it’s on paper it can’t be forgotten or, if you don’t get it completely right, forgiven.
1. Your son's choice of partner is nothing to do with you. He's an adult. He makes his own decisions.
2. Likely, her parents being present at the birth was about them supporting their daughter, who was undergoing a medical experience, rather than seeing their grandchild. Women need to feel safe in order for labour to proceed.
3. They likely need some time and space to adapt to being new parents. You have definitely overstepped by coming over unannounced.
The most I would recommend for now is that you admit you've overstepped, apologize sincerely, and say you'll wait for THEM to be ready.
None of us have the right to give or withhold our blessing!!
We all need to respect our childrens' choices.
Our DIL is Asian.
She is closer to us largely due to her mother's bigotry!
To answer your question. Yes, you are the problem.
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