How do I get past this

An addiction is an addiction and the smoker's body chemistry changes so that he needs the chemicals tobacco contains.

To be honest it really doesn't sound as if he was ever very committed to vaping, just thought he might give it a try, didn't give him the kick that cigarettes do so back he went to his cigarettes.

if your DH really is determined to give up smoking i would expect him to be seeing his GP or surgery nurse, and actively seeking all the support he can to give it up and have a health check. That or determining to go 'cold turkey' and destroying anything to do with cigarettes, including matches etc, possible wanting to clean all his clothes to get rid of the smell etc etc.

From what you say he didn't say he would give up smoking, merely that he would try vapes. he did that, didn't like them and went back to cigarettes.

I understand your anger, but he was never committed to giving up smoking in the first place. You have my sympathy.

Thank you for that information Monica , I do understand its an addiction. Its just hard to see and hear how it's effecting his health . It makes me feel so helpless

You have my sympathy.
Personally, I cannot even go into a room , where someone has been smoking.
It must be extremely difficult to give up a 40 year habit. He needs professional help.
He needs to have chest X-rays etc to make sure that there’s been no damage to his lungs.
Good luck !

I’m afraid that the only way anyone changes their behaviour is if they see some benefit to themselves.
As Monica says, your DH will be addicted to nicotine & it would be physically as well as psychologically very difficult for him to give up.
I understand your anger, but you need to let it go for both your sakes. Just imagine how you’d feel if he was angry with you, over something over which you had virtually no control.

I can understand, my DH had sleep apnea for years, DD and I did everything to get him to go to the doctor, but would he? of course he wouldn't. Then he had a micro sleep when driving on the motorway, thankfully, when nearly stationary in a traffic jam. He did then see a doctor, but had a heart attack some months later, which was what I feared and now lives with serious heart problems. I cannot say, for definite that it was caused by the sleep apnea, but it is likely. As I said I really understand how you feel.

Smoking is a strange thing. I smoked when I was young but stopped the day I found out I was pregnant. I can’t imagine smoking now.

My DH smoked heavily until he was 73 when he got Legionnaires disease and our granddaughter was born. He just stopped smoking from one dat to the other. He said it was because of the baby. Who knows but since he stopped it has changed my life.

Unfortunately they have to have a reason to stop.

If you phone your husband’s doctor and tell him about the coughing he might call him in for a ‘general health check’ without disclosing you rang.

Debbi I also understand your anger. My OH was a smoker for many years but gave up about 15 years ago after a health scare. I agree that you can’t change his behaviour, but, I now regret not having put boundaries in place all those years ago e.g. no smoking in the bedroom, or the kitchen.

Smoking indoors is banned in most places, so I’d be quite firm that if he chooses to smoke, there will be some restrictions or compromises as to where he can smoke at home. Why should the non smoker make all the sacrifices?

Good luck.

I've never smoked but I understand addiction due to my previous job. Vaping is not the only option if your husband wants to give up, there are also patches and gum. However, as you are more than aware, he has to want to stop smoking in the first place. Good luck.

Thank you for your replies, he won't see a doctor, he never has as long as I've known him . He's never done any of the tests the NHS send out. I suppose I was hoping he might try a bit harder because he knows how I worry about his health

Debbi58, I have been in your situation and this will be difficult to hear but you are in control of your health and he - a grown man - is in control of his health. Buy the book Alan Carr’s “The Easy Way To Stop Smoking” so he can learn the triggers and cut back IF he wants to. Also he can look up the CBQ method which is a spinoff from Mr. Carr's original method. The book looks at it from a scientific / logical view rather than an addict view.

My husband is - and always will be - a smoker. He will be 80 this year. He has sleep apnea and COPD. He had a TIA last year. He will not give up smoking and doesn’t want to - despite going to hospital twice for four days at a time in the last two months because of COPD flare ups where he has difficulty breathing. He smokes in his bedroom and constantly burns things. My daughter says it’s a health and safety risk which ai fully agree with. He doesn’t care about how I feel or the hazards, so we just carry on. It’s a dirty habit.

Debbi58, it must be very frustrating for you to see the harmful side effects of your husband's smoking. I have never smoked, so I don't understand why people still smoke when the dangers of smoking are well known. I accept that it's an addiction, but there is help available to stop, or at least cut down.

I hope for your sake your husband considers your health and doesn't smoke indoors or in the car, passive smoking by a partner is very harmful and I would consider that to be very selfish.

I hope your husband gets to a point where enough is enough, and tries his hardest to give up, for both your sakes.

He would be better giving up he knows that and has tried and failed but it’s in his head now so maybe next time. It must be hard for you as there's nothing you can do, it’s got to come from him. He was a smoker when you met and married. A friend of mine has a husband who has smoked from about fifteen, at 70 he had a clean bill of health.

My 2nd husband was a smoker from a very young age and when we met and I asked him to not smoke around me and try to give up which he managed when he was at retirement age he knew there was a problem with his health but didn’t tell me in the end I realised he was ill and dragged him kicking and screaming to the GP sadly it was too late for him. All because of smoking and his fear of needles and doctors he lost years of retirement years so sad.

Sorry I meant to say it’s in your husbands hand to look after his health you just have to live with his decisions unfortunately, it’s very hard I know been there and now 8 yrs later I still wonder could I of done more to help him.

The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr was the book that my brother in law read and the day he finished reading it was the last day he smoked a cigarette.This after a 60 a day habit for over 40 years.Worth a try.

My ex partner smoked all of his life. We were strapped for cash all the time. Me and my son moved out and we split up. He died of throat cancer two years ago. I’ve never smoked and neither has my son.

Carenza123

My husband is - and always will be - a smoker. He will be 80 this year. He has sleep apnea and COPD. He had a TIA last year. He will not give up smoking and doesn’t want to - despite going to hospital twice for four days at a time in the last two months because of COPD flare ups where he has difficulty breathing. He smokes in his bedroom and constantly burns things. My daughter says it’s a health and safety risk which ai fully agree with. He doesn’t care about how I feel or the hazards, so we just carry on. It’s a dirty habit.

Make sure there is a smoke alarm in the bedroom or on the ceiling of the landing outside his room. My friend did this when her FiL, who smoked, spent the last year of his life with her and family. It went off tegularly because he would fall asleep smoking, but at least they were able to intervene before any fire started or took hold.

Debbi58

Thank you for your replies, he won't see a doctor, he never has as long as I've known him . He's never done any of the tests the NHS send out. I suppose I was hoping he might try a bit harder because he knows how I worry about his health

I came to the conclusion that because our spouses know we are worrying about their health, they see it as a sign of weakness in themselves if they take any notice of it and become even more intransigent., even if in other ways they will take advice and listen.

A smoker can read a library of books but they have to WANT to stop to have any success in overcoming the nicotine addiction!

As an ex smoker I can confirm that it is difficult but with commitment, and a strong will it is possible!

I personally could not tolerate living with a smoker. Many are simply too inconsiderate to see the how awful it is for others to smell and breathe the residuals no matter how much they claim to wash after. OP, you have my sympathy. Addiction or not, those who want help will take steps to help themselves with support from loved ones.

For your own health, second hand smoke is absolutely a hazard. If he will not look after himself, shift focus to yourself and ways you can mitigate your own health risks. Please read up on second hand smoke risks and take proper precautions.

I think some local authorities run courses to help people stop.

Of course, the person has to engage with them.

Thank you for your replies , he doesn't smoke in the house. He was 60 in January and declared, this is the year , he was going to give up smoking . He took early retirement 4 years ago . He's financially secure , it is expensive though nearly £15 now for a packet of 20. Which he buys everyday. For me , it's the effect on his health, I try not to worry about him , but when he coughing so much , it's hard not too. I fear this could come between us