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Is this normal?

(61 Posts)
Jezra Sat 21-Aug-21 00:18:07

Do all men eye, size women up, look at every single woman? I feel like my DH has been doing this always but it seems more noticeable to me now.
It felt good during lockdown as I felt I had his full attention but of course we are back out and mixing again and it has all started up again.
I am not imagining it as some women seem to love it, then look at me with pity in their eyes. Other women, especially the really young ones find it funny ( he is in his late 60’s).
He always talks about the young woman next door in her 20’s and looks to see if she is about and if she is will engage her in conversation. He also looks for the woman two doors down who is in her 30’s and does the same.
If we are in a restaurant or cafe and we are talking to each other his eyes flit ti every woman that passes by or any woman sitting behind me and I find it really irritating. I’ve told him I don’t like it but it falls on deaf ears and he says that’s pathetic and over reacting. Is it?

Hithere Sat 21-Aug-21 01:03:20

Not at all

How disrespectful of him, for you and for other women

NotSpaghetti Sat 21-Aug-21 01:50:12

No they don't genrrally do this.

NotSpaghetti Sat 21-Aug-21 01:50:26


welbeck Sat 21-Aug-21 03:40:25

but presumably he has been doing this all the time, and you were happy to marry him.
it's going to be difficult to change now. unless he wants to, and makes a great effort. which seems unlikely.
sorry. but i think anyone would hate that. nor is it universal.

BlueBelle Sat 21-Aug-21 04:44:34

No it’s not normal for a married or committed man but some men are full on flirts it’s not comfortable for you but if he’s always done it that is the man you hooked up with and he won’t change now, that’s his norm always on the lookout for a bit of flirting, a bit of flattery, a bit of attention, as you say it’s more noticeable now as you had less mixing in lockdown but that’s it I m afraid it’s as normal to him as breathing
Has he ever been unfaithful or are you suspicious he may
have ?
It’s vey unflattering and uncomfortable for you but no it’s not the norm and no he won’t change

Eviebeanz Sat 21-Aug-21 05:53:45

I'm wondering if you've been together for a long time and he has always been like this of if it started later on in your relationship. It feels as if it's something that you have been unhappy about for a while.
Some men do become slightly more disinhibited or inappropriate as they get older which can be linked to dementia but I'm not sure this is what is happening here. I don't think women in their twenties usually have interest in men in their sixties though. Look after yourself and don't let this make you feel bad.

Allsorts Sat 21-Aug-21 06:35:37

I would be acutely embarrassed and offended by his behaviour and find it unacceptable. Don’t know how anyone would find it didn’t bother them. It seems as if you have just put up with it so he is unlikely to ever change. I think most would not be interested in a man in his 60’s though, probably feel sorry for his partner.

BigBertha1 Sat 21-Aug-21 06:44:18

Some men are just like that and incurable. Others like my other half wouldn't notice if other women strolled about naked. They are what they are and we put up with them....or not. I wonder if your husband would continue with this if you stopped noticing it and remarking on it.

mumofmadboys Sat 21-Aug-21 06:56:02

Ask him how he would feel if you continually eye up other men.

BBbevan Sat 21-Aug-21 07:07:19

Not good that sort of behaviour is it? I would be most offended

M0nica Sat 21-Aug-21 07:24:52

No, it is not normal, although. male or female, I think if you pass the stage when you no longer notice someone you find attractive, you have probably completely lost your libido, but constantly eyeing every woman he sees is something else entirely.

The big question is; is he like the dog constantly chasing sports cars, but wouldn't know what to do with one if he caught it, or is he incipiently unfaithful?. The last is a danger sign and needs to be given deep thought.

But, as others have said, it is not normal and is not acceptable. It is pathetic and far from some women loving it, I think most women are looking at you with pity because you have saddled yourself with such a pathetic apology of a man. The women are probably laughing at him and think him a pathetic old man.

Have you tried telling him that the women he eyes up are probably sniggering at him behind their hands and thinking what a sad and pathetic old man he is. I would suggest that that approach might work better, if he doesn't respond to you saying how much it upsets you. Undermine his confidence in what he is doing, comment on the condescending smiles and the curled lips as they pass him, say how old it makes him look etc etc.

Lucca Sat 21-Aug-21 07:29:39

If it’s really bad in a restaurant etc why not just get up and leave?
If he’s always done it you must have accepted it so you have to either continue accepting it and not mentioning it or leave the relationship as it seems talking about it doesn’t work. How much do you love him ?

BlueBelle Sat 21-Aug-21 07:57:48

I agree with lucca if you’ve always accepted it he’s not for changing

luluaugust Sat 21-Aug-21 08:17:15

I guess when life was more normal before the lockdowns you were aware of his behaviour but didn't have so much time to notice it. I agree with Monica, possibly sit him down and explain that he looks like a pathetic dirty old man particularly to the young women. Most of the older women may appear to accept the behaviour but probably don't like it either. I don't think you will be able to change him now but at least he can't say he doesn't know how you feel. If he doesn't care how you feel that is a whole different game.

FarNorth Sat 21-Aug-21 08:23:42

Women who appear to love it are mostly just playing along while, as you say, pitying you.

Good suggestions from others here about letting him know he looks ridiculous, especially to young women.

sodapop Sat 21-Aug-21 08:24:07

I agree with Eviebeanz some men show inappropriate behaviour as they get older. As you say he has always done this it's not likely he will change. Talk to him about how this makes you feel and that women find this inappropriate.

Newatthis Sat 21-Aug-21 08:29:50

How insensitive and how rude. Play him at own game. I know two wrongs don’t make a right but I would be tempted to start dressing a little more sexy and go out and talk to the male neighbours. Plus a little with the postman milkman et cetera and start Ironing eyeing every man that you pass. If he comments tell him he’s being pathetic and overreacting.

Newatthis Sat 21-Aug-21 08:30:37

I meant to say flirt with the postman and milk man.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 21-Aug-21 08:46:43

How unpleasant for you, but how long have you lived with this? It certainly isn’t normal behaviour in a married man. I’m surprised other women love it, especially at his age. I wouldn’t. I pity the younger neighbours he goes out of his way to talk to. I don’t agree with playing him at his own game by flirting with the postman, that just reduces you to his level. I can only suggest you tell him he’s humiliating himself and you and if necessary threaten to leave, though I hope it won’t come to that. Sooner or later the partner of one of the women he ogles or chats to may give him a well deserved punch on the nose. That might bring him to his senses.

Baggs Sat 21-Aug-21 09:06:45

I wouldn't go out with someone who behaved like that. You presumably don't have to eat in restaurants and things like that where he indulges in flirting behaviour so some of your discomfort is avoidable.

If you are with him when he's chatting inappropriately to neighbours (if it is inappropriate), I guess you could roll your eyes dramatically so that the neighbours know how you feel about it. Who knows, they might even brush him off a bit more than they have done so far.

I think you need to be proactive – by behaviour like refusing to go out with him and going out by yourself or with other women and indicating your exasperation with him to neighbours – because he won't change. I hope you can find a way to live with his rudeness by separating yourself from it. It's not about you; it's about him.

Full sympathy though. I'd hate it too.

eazybee Sat 21-Aug-21 09:12:03

Sorry, but this isn't about him ogling other women, it is about his underlying lack of respect for you.
You have asked him to stop it because you dislike it and it quite rightly makes you feel uncomfortable; he dismisses your feelings with contempt.
Not sure where you go from here, but it sounds as though he is not prepared to stop.
How much are you prepared to put up with?

love0c Sat 21-Aug-21 09:12:39

Tell him to stop. If he carries on doing it then I suggest you start eyeing up younger men. Chat to younger men when you are out and about too. 'what a lovely little dog', isn't it a lovely day'. You get my gist. Give him a taste of his own medicine smile

Madgran77 Sat 21-Aug-21 09:14:26

He needs to be careful!!

Liz46 Sat 21-Aug-21 09:16:44

I agree with Lucca. If he behaves like that in a restaurant, just get up and leave. Please don't put up with this very rude behaviour.