Husband retired, I still work. My husband is driving me crazy!

He's way down your list of priorities, isn't he? Marriage, for me, is all about spending time together - and really caring about how the partner is feeling.

It sounds like you don't want to be married. Perhaps it only worked when you hardly saw each other?

He might not be there, later on, when maybe you'll need him. He could stray - or die - before then.

Would finding a workspace nearby for 2 or 3 days a week work for you perhaps? - so you are out of the house for a while.

OP is on a high career wise, and fully absorbed in it. However, we all need to bear in mind that things can change in the blink of an eye. If she became ill, she might be very glad that she had a DH hanging around.

Speaking as someone who has chosen to be alone for the last 15 years I have often thought to myself that I wouldn’t have time for a man in my life, nor would I want to. I appreciate everything from having no distractions to choosing what to do in my leisure time without compromise. I wonder if you and your OH just have irreconcilable differences and are drifting apart. It might be kinder in the long run to end the marriage, so that he has the opportunity to find someone who would enjoy spending time with him, because he must feel a sense of rejection that just isn’t fair.

TBH I think this is a common problem. I was chatting to some friends and basically all the women, once retired, have filled their lives with hobbies and interests, whilst the men have not. The sad thing is that once anyone, man or woman, becomes too much of a "home body" they really don't have much to talk about and dare I say, become a little bit boring. tbh OH has to check my diary before he commits us to anything but as I act a our social secretary and make sure we see friends and do things together, that doesn't happen very often. I think OP and her partner need a good honest talk about how to inject a bit more fun into their marriage and that will require OP to be prepared to put a bit more time into their relationship or perhaps the marriage doesn't have a future.

So your husband retired 2 years early, and expects you to alter your working style to accommodate his boredom? I'm afraid I'd point out that you have x years to retirement...can he entertain himself till then. Why should it be your problem - but I would put him first evening and weekends.

What matters most? Your job or your marriage?

Years ago, I would happily have continued the job I had, even although it was exhausting until I reached retirement age, but my husband complained with a great deal of justification that I was so immersed in my work that he barely saw me, except asleep in bed at night!

I realised that I spent all weekend and most public holidays preparing classes, or exam papers for my pupils, and that if our marriage was to survive, I would either need to change my job, or retire early.

For me the choice although not one I had wanted to make was fairly easy - my husband mattered more then my job. So I retired early, and we sold up and did what he had always wanted to - sailed the rivers and canals of Europe for three years, then bought a house and moved into it,

Seven years on, he has just been diagnosed with cancer, so I am thankful now that my priority ten years ago was to take part in fulfilling his dream. If we had left it till he reached retirement age this year, we would never have been able to do so.

I hope your husband is healthier than mine, but ten years ago, neither of us dreamed that his life might well end at 67, so think this through carefully, please.

I have just asked my OH if he thinks I should give up my part time job and devote more time to him. He looked quite panicked at the idea and disappeared to his shed!

Sometimes women, or men, working in their 60s/70s find they enjoy work much more than they did before. No worries about fitting in childcare responsibilties and no hassle about climbing a career ladder. It is a shame the OP's OH doesn't seem to have worked out how to use his retirement time to do things he might enjoy. Then time spent together can feel more precious.

I have just read an article in the U3A magazine by a man who is asking why it is that men are more difficult to recruit. Women are keen on the social side of the activities as well as the activities themselves, while men want the interest in the activity itself. My DH enjoyed going to science group meetings and arguing with other members, but it was I who encouraged him to go!
It does seem that Babs75's husband needs to find an interest, which should be something really absorbing. People get their flying license after retirement!

Is there a "Men's Shed' locally?
menssheds.org.uk/
usmenssheds.org/
usmenssheds.org/

Be careful what you wish for.

Good idea,

He obviously needs a project or a hobby, it doesn’t matter what. A building project, Classic car, Charity work, even Golf or Bowls
My OH is retired and is always busy when I’m working part time, when I’m not we do things together, gardening, days out, holidays. I hope to work until I’m 70 after that we’ll think again I guess a lot will depend on our health

When my DH was told to work from home, I knew what would happen - and it did. He gradually transferred to working in our living room, filling the space with paperwork, laptop etc, leaving me nowhere to relax in the daytime. But he’s gradually taken up responsibility for local shopping - bread, milk, etc - and also started meeting colleagues in a local coffee shop if he needed a work meeting. He recently said he’d miss the area if we moved, because of all his new friends! He’s got to know people by sight in the shops and cafes, who say ‘hello’ to him when he’s out and about. It seems to make all the difference to him.

I think people can change, but maybe not all at once. If your husband feels under-occupied, or socially deprived, he needs to seek out the solution to those issues himself.

We just move to another house that needs serious DIYing and it keeps him occupied 🙄

Just had a thought. We got a dog when my OH retired. He takes him for walks twice a day and now knows my neighbours better than I do and I've lived here twice as long as he has. When I walk the dog in the evening, people ask me where my hubby is and is he OK?!

I like the DIY response Jess20 I think that's why mine keeps himself busy, he is scared of being given another project to do.

Who does the household chores, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and general housework?
Not you I hope, given what you have on your plate.
When I read the title of your thread I thought you were going to say that you still work, your husband is retired and admits he’s bored, yet does none of the above.
There have been threads in the past on that theme!

I think you made a good point when you said caring for your father has brought home to you just how much money is required in old age, and up to a point, that’s your driving force, apart from the fact that you enjoy your job and are good at it.

I think as others have said, your husband badly needs an interest to get involved in and to get him out of the house!
He’s admitted he’s bored, yet seems to lack motivation to do anything about it.

I have to say your situation would really irritate me too!

I hope you manage to change his mindset.

Quite frankly it seems you have excluded your husband from most of your life babs75 and you have a full schedule without his input.
Maybe you need to take stock a little and see where your priorities are, you don't need to share everything but something would be good.

It’s understandable to want to share retirement with your other half once you retire after a lifetime of hard work. You must have liked spending time with each other to have wanted to get married. For some people it could offer the chance of freedom they have not enjoyed for years. This window of time could be cut short. I hope your husband gets to enjoy this time in his life and if not with you perhaps he would be better off finding someone who wants share it with him

Love your comment. My husband died very suddenly, I am so glad that we spent time together and wonderful holidays all over the world. I tell my friends "If you can afford it and want to do things together just do it as we never know the minute or the hour. We were not wealthy but enjoyed our lives.

Doing work you love is so important and I always feel that if someone loves you they should support your 'joys'. However, there also needs to be a bit of give-and-take. I have similar issues with my husband. I try to make sure that we have at least a couple of evenings relaxing together and at weekends I usually only work maybe two or three hours and we do something together. But that isn't at all enough for him and he says I'm 'always working' - which is not true - and gets very childish and resentful, even though it is my work that provides our comfortable lifestyle. I do remind myself that he is three years older than me and we are both in our seventies, and...and...but I also think 'Yes, we are in our seventies, dental work is expensive, the NHS is not to be relied on and we have plans for holidays (and one of our bathrooms needs re-doing) ' So I'm going to carry on working as long as I can - who wants to sit around all day talking about the past, anyway?

Try thinking role reversal. Your DH working all hours given, following all the interests and being a carer though I'm lost trying to figure how you manage to care for anyone. Would you be happy being left to your own devices day and night. I'm surprised you still have a DH.

My DH works full time and has no intention of ever retiring. I finished work in 2015. I love our lifestyle. I have two volunteering jobs, exercise classes, U3A, dog walking for a neighbour, am a member of the village litter picking team, help with maintenance of a communal orchard and see my friends regularly for trips. I do the majority of the housework, shopping and gardening. I have no time to be bored. DH and I make a point of having a Saturday evening meal together, a full leisurely Sunday lunch and a weeks holiday together each year. I wouldnt have it any other way and would be very upset if DH thought for one minute that he should be keeping me entertained, or spending more time with me, or - God forbid - giving up the job he loves to spend more time with me. I accept him as the person he is, which includes his preference to work. I think babs75 its entirely reasonable for you to carry on working and for your husband to find his own activities to keep him occupied.

Yes, entirely reasonable if it suits both of you, as it does you and your DH, Sunnysusie, but not so reasonable if it’s making one of you lonely and unhappy, and the other one wishing to be left alone. We’re all different, but that isn’t a good or reasonable situation within a marriage, it’s become an endurance test - on both sides by the sound of it.
Something has to give.

I know I don't want to end up living in my kid's garage because I quit working too soon and ran out of money. I've heard many a story of people having to go back to work because they retired too soon. I just don't want to go there. I need to work as long as I can and as long as I want to.