How to deal with “woke” daughter

I'm sorry I upset you Peasblossom but you commented that The only comfort is your daughter will find herself in the same position in years to come. So, you are dismissing the comments of this young woman and saying she'll understand when she's older. The comments about insulting people weren't aimed at you, not in the least. They were aimed at people who think its OK to insult people because we're a different generation and "its so difficult to keep up"

Maybe I should just say it was straight talking, that would get me off the hook, apparently

Plain rude in my book but still. Some people delight in putting others down, sadly.

Who was that directed to please nanna8?

I’m another who dislikes ‘woke’ being used against the socially aware. It’s always used in a judgey manner, and usually to excuse bad behaviour.

This is going to be difficult to write, because of the internalised baggage, but my late father used to be quite nasty to my sister and I, and if we dared to object he would tell us that we couldn’t take a joke, and my mum would back him up, telling us that he would never deliberately hurt us as he lived us - it was ‘just his way’. She also pointed out any gifts of money he had given us as evidence of this, so that rang alarm bells in the OP too.

Before I married I accepted a lot of it, as I knew no different, but when I saw more family dynamics in action I began to see it for what it was - a power thing, a way to assert dominance whilst reserving the right to back off and blame me - gaslighting, basically.

His idea of a ‘joke’ was to poke fun at things about which he knew I felt strongly (often about race and sexuality) and watch my reaction. Nowadays he would certainly have said I was ‘woke’.

My father died young - in his 50s - before I had time to process it all, and it has left me quite mixed up about my feelings for him, and quite alert to the way ‘humour’ can be used as power.

I don’t know if any of this applies to your situation, but please be careful if it’s a possibility, as it can take a long time to repair wounds that are ‘under the skin’.

Families come in all shades of opinion and politics and I take the view that I'd prefer to maintain peaceful relationships as long as others aren't being rude or belligerent. My family don't have to share my views and certainly my daughters don't agree with me on everything but if they are a bit snippy or rude I'll quietly challenge the behaviour but not their right to think differently. Equally I try to be polite and respectful of their views and actually I've found it really helpful to ask them to expand on their views, sometimes they change my mind.

So some straight talking is allowed and some isnt. Who decides that.

I’m a bit puzzled as to why a daughter standing up for her views is thought to be “stressed” ?

I never stood up to my mother and her frankly unpleasant views about people and I wish I had as it gnawed away at me and made visiting her a chore at best.

Are people just supposed to agree with everything that is said withina family that sounds not that great to be honest.

Galaxy

Are people just supposed to agree with everything that is said withina family that sounds not that great to be honest.

That is what it was like for me - agree or ‘be difficult’ and ‘cause a scene’, or ‘be humourless’. It wasn’t great, and coupled with ‘after all he’s done for you’, it’s psychologically damaging.

I wonder if your DD is posting elsewhere as to ‘how to deal with parents who don’t move with the times’? It’s their world now. You had your turn.

None of us know what you have said but grown up children are like this. One of mine especially. He corrects everything I say or do and I have said to him before if he is going to be quite so pedantic, I'll start doing it with him It is good though, it shows you have raised someone who is confident enough to themselves and confident enough to challenge views they oppose. I call it spirit

Doodledog your upbringing sounds like my mum's with her dad. You are right there are names for it now like gaslighting. It can also shape your relationships my mum has lived most of her life as a nervous wreck, disastrous relationships even lacked confidence as a parent with her father's put downs and her mother's reinforcement of them. It is hard when you are left to process it later.
I hope you have been able to live a better life.
I sound like Prince Harry - live an authentic life!?

My mother was nasty about everyone, so I can’t say she was prejudiced, it made me just disagree with everything she said.
I think we all should perhaps cut each other a big of slack, unless someone is saying something maliciously, it’s probably not worth causing a row about.

Lucca I was not saying she was necessarily stressed just that having gone through all she has in the last year it could be an explanation.
My daughter takes things to heart she normally wouldn't do if she is stressed.

However, I don't mean anything which would be now described as 'non-woke' just normal family banter.

Having adult children means having adult relationships.

Expecting them to agree with everything you do or think should have naturally over the years.

Where there has been a sudden train crash of opinions it would appear to me that the AC has been biting their tongue for a long time and has only now found the confidence to express their values.

What was acceptably amusing years ago (derogatory language about people based on race, sex or class, for example) is no longer funny, and I applaud any young person who questions parents who continue with such ‘banter’.

This young woman probably wants her young man to like and admire her parents as she does, but is afraid that their outdated views may make him think badly of them. Or she may have learnt from living in a mixed society in London that things her parents find ‘funny’ are actually based on outdated stereotypes and prejudice, and she may be embarrassed by their ‘banter’.

I admire the young woman for being brave enough to express her view, and it’s a credit to her upbringing that she feels safe to do so. I think the OP should carefully examine the family ‘jokey way of talking’ and consider the attitudes behind it. In general, the term ‘woke’ is used as an insult by people with overt prejudices to justify their failure to adjust to improved sensitivities.

‘Woke’’ has been hijacked unfortunately to the point that it sometimes becomes ridiculous. Originally it was about raising awareness of social injustices, particularly racist ones in the US. Nothing wrong with that. It is when it gets to the point where people are afraid to speak for fear of it being taken the wrong way and they end up being cancelled.

It seems to me there is a lot of anger in society at present, not helped by being confined due to Covid, and exacerbated by the media who constantly use the words furious, rage and rant for situations which are nowhere near that.

If you say something which dd finds offensive why not ask her what it is that she finds offensive and explain you didn’t mean it that way and apologise? She maybe feels you don’t recognise her as being grown up if you carry on with jokes etc she finds inappropriate. Treat her like any guest in your house. Maybe she will then go off the defensive and offensive.

Thanks, Whatdayisit. I'm pleased you understand. Even now, I feel uncomfortable in case I am being disloyal, as we were brought up not to criticise our parents in any way, 'because they love us'. It really is a no-win way to be brought up.

Luckily I did see through it in time to stop it taking root, so I haven't internalised most of the comments themselves (as far as I know), but the confusion remains. I do sometimes wonder if I am too quick to sniff out passive aggressive bullying and gaslighting when I see it, but on the whole that has probably served me well enough.

I’m going to apologise for my previous post. It wasn’t helpful. I’d say to try and understand she’s spent the last year isolated in London. A cosmopolitan city with young vibrant ideas and culture. I don’t know where you live but ‘coming down’ and ‘having a rest’ gives an impression of a quiet village or small town - where you also have been isolated. In isolation many of us have decided enough is enough and we don’t want the status quo anymore - on either side of the fence. I’m imagining she’s also possibly had a hard time, working hard and possibly in isolation. You’ve probably had a nicer time pottering around and going for nice walks. Now imagine her rocking up to see the difference and hearing your ‘jokey’ non pc comments. She’s going to feel unhappy, of course she is. First I’d relax. Then maybe do a bit of research regards what woke culture really is. Have a good think about what you want her future world to look like. Then, next time she comes - or even you book a hotel and go to the big city - you’ll be more informed and it’ll be easier. Good luck. Am sure it’s a flash in the pan.

What I noticed was your mentioning you helped them with the flat purchase. This was of course very kind of you, but does not mean they should be so beholden to you, they agree with everything you say. Surely we want our adult children to have independent thoughts and lives. Also isn’t it better for them to say if something offends them rather than bottle it up, both for their mental health and to stop future resentment.

Your daughter will have to learn the truth; that some people are not conscious of what she is conscious. This will be disappointing for her, that her beloved parents cannot follow her into her current interest.
I understand what it can feel like to be unable to communicate ideas that are important to me.

If your daughter is quick to take offence about minor matters this could be because you presume to know how she feels without her having told you how she feels.

For instance it is better not to presume someone is "stressed" , tired, or otherwise troubled unless they tell you that they feel so.

My parents used 'banter' and 'jokes' to constantly belittle me and inflict their peculiar, old fashioned and repellent views on me. An example is when I broke my leg in an accident at work - 'If you weren't out working and were at home in the kitchen where women should be then you wouldn't have broken your leg'. Hilarious don't you think?

I learned not to criticise or contradict them over time as they only got worse and said I 'lacked a sense of humour' or 'took things too seriously'. It destroyed my self confidence and my relationship with them.

They're dead now and after a decade of trying to rebuild myself I am happy and finally, at long last ME. Long live woke. Woke is kindness. To criticise a broad brush of 'woke' is to not ever think what it actually means.

Also, to the OP....your use of the word 'chippy' rings horrible alarm bells with me. It's a good put down word to use for someone whom one considers an inferior who is cheeky to their superiors. Maybe you didn't mean that to me...but having been on the receiving end of that word it made my flesh creep.

MoorlandMooner

Also, to the OP....your use of the word 'chippy' rings horrible alarm bells with me. It's a good put down word to use for someone whom one considers an inferior who is cheeky to their superiors. Maybe you didn't mean that to me...but having been on the receiving end of that word it made my flesh creep.

Heartily agree. ?.

Yes. I was always 'awkward', or 'contrary' - usually said with eyes rolling. This thread is bringing it all back.

I'm sorry, OP, as it can't be easy to read, but please think about the comments from some people on here? It may be that your situation is different, and that you aren't doing these things, but at least consider things from your daughter's perspective?