Not a granny yet

I thinkk you are feeling a bit sensitive at the moment.

Firstly do not blame your husband in any way or feel that he has failed you. Do not let it cast a shadow over your strong decades-long relationship. It sounds as though he knew that this would hit you hard and it was good of him to try and think about ways to discuss it with you that would reduce your hurt. He used a relative as a sounding-board as to how to do the right thing - that is fine.

Secondly, every child is a gift. I know this is a cliche, but it is true. When a GC arrives, under whatever circumstances, we love them and do all we can to help in their upbringing. If this boy proves to be your son's I am sure that you will be there for all of them.

Thirdly - do please stop blaming yourself and questioning how you brought your son up. I have to say that I think you have every reason to be proud of him in the way he is responding to this situation. He sounds as though he is a decent honest young man seeking to do the right thing. OK he has made a mistake - who of us can say that we made none in our youth? - but he is responding honourably and he is a credit to you.

Fourthly - young men get randy and being on holiday lowers the defences, especially if a bit of alcohol is involved. He is only human; and I am sure that he has learned his lesson and taking all steps to cover the STD concern.

Please stop beating yourself up!! - hold your head up high and give him all the support you can.

Excellent post Mishap. You've hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you say but could not have expressed it so well. This is really good advice skylark. Good luck in the days ahead.

This has happened to me very recently. My son was with his partner for two weeks when she got pregnant and when we found out we were devestated. I can honestly say that we never got excited about the baby but now she is here she is absolutely beautiful and our hearts melt everytime we see her. It is something you will recover from you just need to get over the shock and this takes time.

All those of us with sons may well be thinking "there but for fortune" Condoms can break, after all, however diligently they are used.
Fretting about mixed race is unnecessary I think. The president of the US is mixed race. Jessica Ennis is mixed race. Hasn't proved a problem to either of them has it?

Skylark My own children are mixed race and I'm not sure why it should be seen as something to be upset about. I would be concerned that the pregnancy is the result of a very casual relationship and the woman involved lives overseas, in case there were issues regarding your son's access to the child. But, hopefully any difficulties can be overcome.

As for your feeling that you son, normally a sensible person, has behaved irresponsibily, who amongst us can say with hand on heart that there have never been occasions when we have behaved recklessly or irresponsibly? What matters is what he does from now on and, so far, I think he has behaved admirably.

I hope it works out well for you all. The arrival of grandchildren, even in problematic circumstances, can bring unexpected joy.

Mishap - well and very wisely said.

I didn't get the impression that skylark thought the baby being mixed race was a problem for her but we all know that, in some societies, it is frowned upon. That is an understandable worry if there is evidence that it would be frowned upon in the baby's home country.

Thank you, all. The most important thing for this baby is that he is loved and brought up in a loving, supportive home with good core values; this whether or not DS is allowed to have much contact, although at the moment he is talking of visiting twice a year. The fact that the baby will be of mixed race if he turns out to be my son's is not a problem to me - more of how being mixed race is viewed where he'll be brought up, and actually I don't know as I've never been there. It is a first for our family here, though, and whilst I am not racist and embrace multi-culturalism, and have friends of diverse ethnic backgrounds both here and abroad, there are family members (especially older ones) who may struggle; being honest now. The question is - should we tell them, ever?! OH is thinking this would be one thing too much for his frail mum.

But you're right, Eloethan; I'm feeling ANGRY this afternoon at the casual way he approached this fling, and I've no idea how the mother and her family will view him visiting and being involved in the baby's life. DD and I have briefly discussed going out there with DS on an early visit if we can. I shall want to see him... and, if I'm allowed, to hold him...

Ouch Skylark in your shoes I think I would be keeping my powder dry and waiting to see whether it will be possible for you to have a relationship with this little descendent of yours. Counting chickens and all that.
A friend of mine had a son whose fatherhood was not clear. (Messy relationship - temporary split, bit of a fling, got back together). Eventually, after an equally messy three years, she broke up finally and her partner was being difficult and unreliable in terms of visits etc. DNA test proved that this guy who thought he was the father was not. He fought for parental rights through the court and the judge eventually ruled that he (and his family) was to have no access whatsoever. Not even a card. Point of this story is that maybe, in the interests of your own wellbeing, you should put your grandmotherly hopes away in a little box for now, turn the key and wait to see what happens.

Skylark, you've had some very wise words of advice, and I'm glad you're finding it all helpful. I would agree with Riverwalk - don't look too far ahead, just focus on the immediate problems and finding a solution to them. I think when you settle down, you'll realise that your DH was a troubled and confused as you, and just didn't want to do the wrong thing. No matter how bad it feels, this really won't be the end of the world. I hope it all works out well for you.

Wise words. Thank you, all, for both your thoughts and your welcome to this forum.

I've spent today with a very dear friend who was empathic, supportive and comforting. Agree - nothing to be done until after the baby's birth, when paternity can be proven, or not as the case may be. In the mean time it is difficult not to let my head spin, and to imagine the maybes or may-not-bes - especially about the woman, what she is like, whether (if the baby proves to be my son's) she will welcome our family and be a "good mum".

My thoughts have also wondered what sort of woman hangs about hotels in distant countries, and has unprotected sex with a man she doesn't know. I am disappointed in my son on many levels: for spurning the values we tried to instil, both by example and discussion, of sex-belonging-to-marriage (or at least a committed relationship); I am horrified, frankly, by his one-night-stand approach - this really is NOT how he was brought up; I'm disappointed in him too for taking a huge risk with both his health and fertility, and for not thinking about the consequences of his actions. But I am actually angry with both of them, even though I don't know her: responsibility for their sexual health, and for their fertility, lay with both of them.

Dear Skylark

I am glad that everyone has been so wise and sympathetic here. Please be very careful about judgements regarding sexual behaviour. I expect every generation is privately horrified by the morals of the generation they have raised. I got pregnant out of wedlock years ago and my mother was appalled. I was so hurt by her rejection that it pretty much destroyed our relationship.

You are not wrong to have the values that you do. Hold on to the honourable behaviour of your son who has not said "prove it" but has faced a very challenging situation very bravely. I would suggest that getting caught up in passion and being "unprepared" suggests that he hasn't rejected all of your upbringing at all.

If it helps, think of your son and mother of your GC as having one of those wonderful magical evenings that neither wanted to end, something that each treasured and thought of as special, not a normal Friday night.

It is easy to support our children when they are making us proud. When they've done something stupid we feel hurt and rejected - but this is when they need us most. It was never your son's job to provide you with the "ideal" grandparent experience. Your son doesn't need you to tell him the things that he will have been saying to himself. He needs you to say - "we are so proud that you are facing up to the consequences of your actions and we will support you as much as we can."

Vent away here - it's safer!

A lovely post mygrannycanfly. Some very sensible and sensitive advice here.

Thank you, MGCF. So many wise words, from you and others. I keep reading and re-reading everyone's posts. I think what I am taking away from it at the moment is not to act in haste.

DD has come to stay for 2 weeks as she is working nearby. A sane head, and it's good to be able to speak to her frankly about my feelings, as well as hear her point of view, and through her, my son's: they are close.

We have so much going on in the family atm. Elderly, frail inlaws, who need care and don't live nearby. Medical issues and test results. My other DS involved in work-related problems. Now this. I feel rather bombarded. Other than my close friend yesterday, I've told nobody about this. It is a very great comfort to be able to come here. Thank you, all.

I'm in - sort of - the same position and I hope you don't mind me putting my sixpence worth in. Earlier this year my son's ex said she was pregnant with his baby though he said it couldn't be his. During the pregnancy there was little contact - I think he was hiding his head in the sand. But once she said she was in labour he headed to the hospital - unfortunately he missed the birth. He has now convinced himself that the baby is his - mainly because all his friends say the little girl looks like him - which we all know is no indicator of parentage.

Unfortunately, the child's mother is bipolar, is not taking her meds, treats him like dirt when he offers help, screams at the baby for crying, sticks a bottle in the baby's mouth every 20 minutes - whatever about being worried about my son, I'm also worried about the baby, whoever the father may be. The mother, who had offered DNA testing during the pregnancy, is now refusing to allow it to be done.

The whole thing is a total mess and I don't know where we can go from here.

Skylark - I am sorry for butting in on your thread but I've really been feeling the need to talk to somebody about this situation.

Oh Supernanauna! How truly dreadful for you. As you say, it is a total mess. The mother sounds like she needs medical help. Do you have any contact with the baby? Is the mother getting any professional help? Perhaps these problems are too big for you and your son to handle alone.

It must be so frustrating to feel unable to do anything especially if you think this might be your grandchild. It does sound as if Social Services should be involved for the sake of the baby.

Skylark, so sorry you are having such a rough time all round. It is so hard when everything seems to go wrong at once. Can you find a little time to get away from it all? Your daughter sounds like she can give you some support.

Hugs to you both.

What a worrying situation supernanauna I would try approaching the NSPCC re the baby. A bipolar mother who is not taking her meds needs help and the baby's safety must be paramount.

Supernanauna, That is dreadful. I think you need to seek some professional help here, for the sake of the baby and of the mother, who sounds very much as if she isn't coping. Might she have post-natal depression, too? Could you approach the NSPCC or social services, or speak to your GP for advice? With regard to whether or not your son is the baby's father, I don't know the law, but surely the mother cannot refuse for the baby's paternity to be established? Heartbreaking for everyone, but it sounds as if the baby could be at risk. Please don't delay, Supernanauna...

Thank you for the hugs, Jud.

Hugs to Supernanauna, too. xx

Super - children's services rather than the nspcc, who will simply fax your information to the local social work team, rather than take any action themselves.

However close we are to our adult children, there will always be part of their lives they withhold from us and times when what they want to tell us something, like the news you have received, that they know will be a profound shock, so almost inevitably they will talk to a sibling about it before telling you.

It is not a failure of trust but a sign that their love for you and concern, is such that when they know the news they have to impart will be a profound shock to you they consult with others close to them about how best to tell you. Be glad you have a son who loves you sufficiently to worry about telling you something that he knows will upset you.

Yes, I understand that, Flickety. And it says a lot about the closeness to each other that DS was able to lean on his sibling for support in the early weeks, as he decided how to deal with this news himself. I suspect he left it till the last minute to tell me, but probably got to the point where he felt he had to for fear of my hearing rumours.

6 days in, I am learning to live with the shock of this news, and am resigned really to waiting for the DNA test. It may be a huge storm in a rather large tea-cup - if the baby is found not to be his. The thought has crossed my mind that if she is the type of woman who seeks out liaisons with men in hotels, then it is possible that she may be stringing along more than one man, and using her predicament to persuade other unsuspecting gullibles to give her financial support. DS is absolutely right to get the DNA test done.

Supernan, I do hope you have been able to speak to someone about the baby.

Skylark - glad to hear the shock is becoming more liveable with. Your worst fears about the baby's mother may be true, and I'm not dismissing the possibility. It's also possible she is no different than your son, and on this occasion behaved in a way that may have been out of character. She's the one carrying the baby, maybe she is now wishing she'd gone to bed with a book, rather than someone she just met. It is also possible she's someone you could like, and that's be wonderful if it transpires she is carrying your grandchild. DNA testing is essential I agree.

Your comment about going to bed with a book made me laugh, Iam64! Yes, I can think of a few good books I'd recommend to her... There are so many unknowns at the moment, including whether DS is in fact the father, and around the character of the woman. Only time will reveal the truth to those of us in the dark. Meantime, I'm concentrating on my work, on an event that I'm involved in over the next 10 days, and on going away with a friend at half term - which will, I hope, be a real opportunity to unwind.

Well said Iam.

As I said earlier in this thread, we were horrified that DD2 did what she did (especially having to explain to Mrs Bucket my mum) None of our family were brought up like that either but these things happen and people get carried away in the moment. But, DD3 and her DH are the most fabulous family now and their two daughters are adorable.

I think that the more you come to terms with it, the more positive your attitude will become.

Goodness, poor you with your Mum, Kittylester. I am so glad it all worked out with your DD, her DH and their two little girls, despite your early reservations. In her late 80s, my mum is far from Mrs Bucket - I'm very blessed with her. But I think she'll go through the same roller coaster of emotions as I have been, and there is therefore no point in rocking any boats within the family until we know one way or t'other about the paternity. Trying very hard to keep it in perspective atm until we know.

If the result is positive, I hope that you are right, Iam, and that the mum is lovely and will welcome our family. We are a pretty small clan, but I think between us we have a lot to offer this little lad. If that is the case, that will be the time to try to work out how we can see him, and what we can do for him.

Just posting to keep in touch. No news yet of the baby - he's due in 3-4 weeks. In the past month, we've hardly discussed it. I've just had a sunny break with a friend, which was lovely, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her (I'm not great at opening up about things that are really troubling me) - it seems so unreal, and until we have the result of the DNA, I don't feel able to share it. Before that, my MiL was with us for a week, and the news was very firmly in a box then. I've had very little contact with DS since his birthday, but he's taking me away for a weekend in 3 weeks (just before baby's due date - he's not planning to travel out for the birth). I'm looking forward to this precious time alone with him, and just being able to TALK.

I've just read everyone's kind posts again, and would like to thank you all and reiterate how grateful I am to all of you who took time to write. A huge shock at the time, but as DD predicted, the news has "settled" and we just have to wait now. I'll keep you all posted.