Have I got a choice?

I really think some of these remarks are rude and uncalled for.

I agree * Eloethan* relationships are not a one way street. Becoming a MIL, on both sides is a steep learning curve and requires understanding, tolerance and sometime, self reflection.
x

Actually there is room for another perspective. I can't altogether disagree with those whose comments have been attacked as 'rude', 'uncalled for' ' unkind' and 'agressive'.

They are no such thing. There is always two sides to situations like this.

I think the posts on this thread have engendered a reasonable discussion of a difficult subject. 'Help' in such situations can, and often does, include things a person doesn't want to hear. I have experienced mainpulative behaviour from relatives (not mothers-in-law) that was similar to that which the OP's comments have sometimes appeared to show. The recent posts suggesting the OP makes the most of the regular contact she has with her son and grandson and, in effect, leaves her DiL alone seem very sensible and, though at times critical, certainly not aggressive.

Good post GillT, it was what I was going to say myself.I would not go along with the park meetings louisamay. you have had a bad time with this DIL, time may help, or may not.It's not you, it's her, so while keeping channels open with her ( ie. No rows) there's not much more you can do. I agree with Luckygirl's take on the situation, there is jealousy on DIL's part .The little boy should be at your house for a while or at hers and only in the park if you want that.

Sorry, iPad again... I meant to say it's NOT you, it's her.

Please don't try to give your DiL any sort of ultimatum. You could end up finding yourself like some of the Grandparents on this forum, who have lost all contact with their grandchildren.

I think louisamay's own very measured and unruffled responses to some quite unpleasant comments suggest that she is not an unreasonable person.

We are not privvy to the whole family dynamic and, of course, there are two sides to every story. However, I think that to say that a person is using their recent severe illness to try and manipulate those around her is a rather spiteful comment and I can't see on what basis such a conclusion has been reached. It seems that some people are projecting their own difficult experiences with mothers-in-law onto this situation, which isn't very rational or useful. Every family is different - some mothers-in-law are lovely, some are not - and the same goes for daughters-in-law.

Some people are difficult, whether they are MILs, DILs and the like. It won't matter what you say or do louisemay your DIL may have issues, most probably learned behaviour. Her father treats his mother in an aggressive manner in front of other people. Normal functioning people would find this type of behaviour very strange but it seems DIL's family allow it to happen. To them it's okay to treat an elderly woman in this manner, not even realising or caring that it is disturbing behaviour.

If I was in your position I would enjoy the visits in your home with your DS and GS. If your DIL wishes to come along, she would be welcome. If you are invited to their home go along. I would not phone DIL and ask to spend time with your GS. I would only let her know that the park is not suitable, but that it is fine you will catch up another time and leave it at that. There is nothing else you can do louisemay, don't make yourself ill tying to understand DIL's behaviour.

Pinkjenstar you would have to be very naive to imagine it is always MIL's who are difficult. Some people are hard to get on with, they will be difficult DIL's and just as difficult MILs. I say this as a MIL who gets on very, very well with my DIL. Some of it's luck, she is a very intelligent woman with a lot of energy. My DS has married the love of his life and I am very grateful, I want them to be happy. I have also made sure she has felt part of the family and always treated her much the same as my DDs from the very beginning. It has worked very well for us but I know if either of us had a personality disorder or a belligerent personality and didn't give a toss what we said or how we treated each other, we wouldn't be a well functioning family.

MILs*

I do hope that your health is continuing to improve Louiseamay and that the problems you are having are not hindering your recovery.

Your original post mentions problems with your d.i.l. when your GS was just a few months old; her "distant and sometimes rude" behaviour but you go on to say that after a period of time this seemed to resolve itself and that it was your recent illness that bought about the re occurrence. It would seem therefore that your illness is not the issue here, but rather as has already been mentioned jealousy.

Jealousy is not described as 'a green eyed monster' for nothing, it is a very destructive force that can destroy relationships, even those between parents and children as I know only too well as it's our d.i.l.'s jealousy of the relationship I had with my son, that has resulted in him cutting us out of his life and the life of our only GC.

How do I know this? because she told me so. Before they were married she told me that she had been jealous of our relationship but she now realised that our closeness was a good thing and that she was over it; sadly that wasn't the case and her 'distant and sometimes rude behaviour' became even more pronounced when their child was born.

Whatever her issues may be, there is no justification for sidelining you and her apparent insensitivity. Why on earth, if this is the case, should a woman be jealous because her husband is close to his mother? Surely it's a good thing to have the man in your life show his love and concern for his mother especially at times of ill health. My DH is very close to his mum, he sees her twice a week, he is a wonderful caring man and devoted husband and if that is in part because of the close relationship he has with his mother, I am grateful for it.

I do agree that you are fortunate to have retained the relationship you have with your son and are able to see your GC regularly, I also agree that you should try and accommodate your d.i.l. as best you can but, within reason. Doesn't that sound crazy 'you are fortunate', why should it ever be a matter of good fortune that parents keep their relationships with their adult children when they marry and have children of their own, when it should be the most natural thing in the world.

Faye "if either of us had a personality disorder or belligerent personality and didn't give a toss what we said or how we treated each other, we wouldn't be a well functioning family" how right you are. We were for nearly 30 years but sadly are no more.

Thinking about it over the past few days I wondered if DIL resented the fact that her husband and child spent part of the weekend with the OP feeling that weekends should be 'family time'? I must say that I'd be quite happy to see my grandchild every week for a couple of hours; it's usually every three to four weeks.

DS bringing DGS to our house has only happened since I came out of hospital. I had difficulty walking so it went without saying that I couldn't go to their house. The current arrangement is for a couple of hours on Saturdays. We said DIL is welcome (as always) to come but she declined as she uses the time to 'catch up.' If we were 'allowed' to go and visit DGS - which could happen as I am making good progress - then it's unlikely DS would bring DGS here at the weekend. I am very aware that it cuts into his 'free time' but he seems happy and it was him that suggested it originally.
Thanks to everyone for their comments. Some were helpful and constructive and some not....
I will not be posting further.

Relationships are such a minefield . I hope it's helped you to realise that so many of us are treading on eggshells the whole time. Please update us from time to time; we all learn from each others problems .

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