Stalking from elderly neighbour

In the early 70's we moved to a new area and at home with two small children, and not knowing anyone, I was very lonely. I made friends with another girl a couple of doors away and used to call round most days. What I hadn't appreciated was that she was a local girl and had her own friends and her own life.

I had obviously overdone things because when I called round one morning and asked if it was convenient I was told quite firmly that it wasn't. I learned my lesson, though I can still remember how shocked and upset \I was.

The point I am making is that she sounds lonely and is overdoing things. I can quite understand how you feel but if you can do it in a kind way so much the better.

Oh Framilode, I feel for you! You could have visited me every morning for coffee

I think I would tell this lady that you work from home every day and don't have the time for socialising. When she waves at you from her upstairs window just give her a quick wave back, look away and carry on doing whatever your doing.
You don't have to answer the door or phone to anyone. You look after you and practice being assertive without feeling guilty. This lady does seem lonely and wants a friend. Are there any coffee mornings anywhere that you could tell her about or clubs like Darby and Joan.( I don't know her age) As she's new to the area I think she's attached herself to you instead of trying to find out what events and get togethers she could go to in your area for some company. Good luck.

I think the racism would be the deal breaker for me. She does seem lonely and possibly comes from somewhere where people were in and out of each other's houses, however, that is no reason you have to answer your door. Just back off, hopefully she will get the message.

Next time she calls tell her you are spraying flea killer on your carpet.

Would one of those camera type door bells help. You would see who was ringing the bell and just not answer if you saw it was your neighbour. You could say you were resting and didn't hear her, in the bath/shower, painting your toenails. Horrible situation to be in. Do feel for you.

I would definitely call her out on being racist about your husband, even if as you say it is 'mild' .To be honest I find this the very worst type of racism as it is insidious & people do think they can get away with it.
As a migraine sufferer of many years I would never fake one ,as they really are sent from the devil himself as my Neurologist agrees.
I do hope things work out for you.

What a nightmare for you! I once had a new neighbour move in who wanted to best buddies! I like my own space and privacy, but found myself in some situations that were difficult to get out of, as I also don't like confrontation or offending/upsetting people. In the end, she did get the message.

It does sound like she's very lonely, and clinging on to the first person she's made 'friends' with ... unfortunately, for you!

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to be skulking around inside your own home, feeling like a prisoner, trying to avoid her, not answering the door, constantly having to make excuses, and never being able to enjoy going out into your garden. What kind of life is that? When she does call, I'd answer the door and simply tell her, 'sorry, it's not convenient right now as I'm busy with something, some other time, maybe ...' If she then goes on to say she'll pop in tomorrow, or invite you to hers, again simply say you'll have to take a raincheck, as you're busy. I wouldn't pretend you're going out, or put on your coat, or whatever, otherwise you'll end up on occasions feeling like you've got to leave the house when you don't want to! And if she invites you to her house, simply say you can't because your busy with other things, no need to elaborate.

The garden issue may be a little more difficult, the only thing you can do is either ignore her, and pretend you've not heard her (although it sounds that's unlikely to work!), or just give her quick wave and pop back inside telling her you're in the middle of something. If you're outside with hubby, give her wave, immediately turn away, and begin an in depth conversation with hubby. If she continues, go inside for a few minutes.

I think you need to be persistent, and continue to tell her you're busy, and hopefully she'll eventually get the message. If she doesn't, she's obviously very thick skinned, so, in order to save your own sanity, you'll just have to be blunt if it carries on!

Regarding the mild racism issue, like others have said, that would be an absolute deal breaker for me, and I'd have to tell her that what's she's said, I find very offensive, and it's best that she doesn't call again!

I think in view of the stress that coping with this woman face to face is causing you, I would write her a note:

Dear 'Betty'

I'm afraid that lately I've begun to feel that you need more from our relationship than I am capable of giving you.
Due to my health problems I would really prefer to remain just neighbours on nodding terms rather than friends, and hope that you will respect this. I would also add that when I saw you recently you made a remark which I felt was rather racist, and in view of the fact that my husband is of West Indian descent, I found this rather upsetting.

I appreciate that being new to the area you may be a bit lonely, so perhaps it would be a good idea to investigate activities locally (you could perhaps make some suggestions at this point) where you can meet other people who are more like minded.

That way you have been clear that you're not up to being best buddies, that she has caused you offence, and have at the same time shown that you recognise that she may be lonely, and done your best to point her in the direction of meeting other people who she might get on better with.

I do hope that my suggestion, or those from other 'Grans' help you to deal with this, as it appears you have enough things to cope with without this woman causing you more stress.

What kind and clever advice from everyone. Did the OP ever come back? ?

Guess that’s a NO!

If you don't want to spend time with this person, don't. If she is at the front door don't open it, if you bump into her somewhere else just say you are busy and keep moving. All done in the nicest posssible way with a smile. No need for convoluted and concocted excuses.

What a pity gilf2019 didn’t come back to say thanks for all the thoughtful posts or even tell us what happened ?

Gilf is quite a strange user name, maybe just wanting a reaction, sadly ?

Perhaps she's trapped in the neighbour's house ....

Sorry, just been watching Killing Eve ....