In law issue... childcare

I agree Pattisew I keep meaning to mention the child and then I forget.

But it is a reason why I sometimes mention that children do deserve to have grandparents.

Mine meant so much to me and I hope that i mean a lot to my DGC's

Although a positive relationship with a grandparent is a wonderful thing I do think that in the OPs case she is quite right to be considering options very carefully. The child is HER child (and her husbands) and on the basis of their experiences with MIL/SIL and MILs health, they need to be very careful in my view. The OP is working hard to allow a relationship that her dying MIL can enjoy, whilst trying to ensure her own relationship/experiences with her child are not compromised and that her child is experiencing positive and appropriate care

A very difficult thing to manage Madgran and the OP appears to be doing a great job.

you should be able to make your own mind up about your life and family. Buying a house on same road because mil is ill? No way. Too late now I know, but that was your future home. Is your child going to be substitute child for childless sis and sis whose children have presumably left home? Is your husband a much younger child in that family? Why did they want to stop the marriage?
Think the cancer is being used as a lever to manipulate you/husband. Many people recover from cancer now.
For your own happiness this needs resolving so you can feel in control of your life and family

Hi
Things have moved on a great deal and i felt it important to update as many of you have kindly supported and advised me on this matter.
Mil is really unwell now n at best has a couple of months but this could be weeks. Family is putting on a brave face as is dh. They spend a lot of time travelling to hospital and bk. i have been a good support network (i think) by cooking meals for everyone and taking LO to make regular visits whilst managing home n work life whilst dh spends time with MIL. Without saying anything to MIL n vice versa, i feel i have made peace with the past. I think a walk through Christies is a humbling experience that the bigger picture becomes clear before i reached mils bedside.
I have seen patients around mil during visits that are not there the next visit as they have died. So sad as one lady loved opening her advent calendar but this year she didnt get to finish it. Empty beds or new faces.
That being said, i have maintained my boundaries and endured LO goes to nursery. Re the house buy which was probably my biggest grip- its still under renovation and i pray mil gets to see it completed as this meant a lot to her. So many lessons learnt. The biggest being patience and learning to set boundaries. I hope my experience of being a DIL enables me to be a good MIL n GP one day.

So sorry to hear your MIL is worse.
You are amazing at supporting everybody and taking care of LO.

Don't forget to take care of yourself as well

Your experience of being a wonderful DIL will indeed set you in good stead as a MIL and GP in future.

Such a difficult time for you all, I'm so sorry that your MIL's health is deteriorating. Take care of yourself as you take care of your family.

I'm so glad you found the kindest way through your issues.
Wishing you and your in laws a peaceful Christmas.

Keeping you in my thoughts x

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

I read the point as being that the OPs experience as a DIL/CIL will have been a learning experience for the future if/when she is a MIL. In other words, the difficulties that she has experienced with her PIL/MIL will help her to think about what sort of MIL she might be/her behaviours as a MIL and the possible perpspective of her future CIL! I have certainly learnt how NOT to be in particular roles by observing/experiencing others in those roles, as much as I have learnt the best way to be too, and my own experiences in roles have taught me about the possible perspectives of others in those roles!!

Surely we all if open minded learners in life, can learn from others and from experiences that influence our future behaviour, perpective and behaviours

You read my post correctly Madgran; thank you. TBH I don't know why you would have found my statement confusing OutsideDave.

But you specifically said ‘your experience of being a GOOD dil’ —- as though it’s her behavior currently that influences her experiences in the future. It’s the experience of having a BAD mother in law, not her response, that might make her more compassionate. She can learn from a bad mil what not to do. She can’t learn anything from being a ‘good’ DIL, because her behavior towards her mil now has nothing to do with her future dils Behavior towards her. A ‘bad’ DIL and a ‘good’ DIL of the same mother in law - are about as likely as anyone else to have good or bad experiences as MILs in the future.

I don't agree Outside Dave We can all learn from how we have dealt with specific events and situations in our lives...and may therefore deal with a future situation the same or differently with different people!!

And situations linked to different people teach us different things...the specific "category" a person is in in our lives at a specific time (MIL/DIL or whatever) is not necessarily the most relevant point; the most relevant thing is how we have dealt with those specific people and situations and what we have learnt from that, good, bad or indifferent!!! So we may learn things about future roles we might play or we may just learn things about how to deal with people who behave in a specific way.

Yes, because on more than one occasion the OP has berated herself for not being the way she thought she should be, due to historic issues with her m.i.l OutsideDave

The OP posted "I hope my experience of being a DIL enables me to be a good MIL n GP one day", it was that I was responding too.

I totally disagree, it is the OP's positive response to a bad mil that will be a positive experience not having a bad mil. The only positive thing that can ever come from having a bad person in your life, is if you manage to turn their negative impact on your life into something positive for yourself.

MaternityLeave, thanks for coming back to update.
So sorry to hear things have suddenly got worse but I'm heartened to hear you have found a not-so-painful path through.
Wishing you, your husband and your little one all the best for the future.

I’m reading it as her experience of being a DIL with a crap mil will give her the ability to remember, when she is a mil, what it was like as a DIL and behave differently towards her future dils and thus helping to ensure a different sort of relationship.

Sorry MIL is so ill, Maternity. But bravo to you, Maternity, for being supportive and keeping your boundaries at the same time!

Sorry MIL is so ill, Maternity. But bravo to you, Maternity, for being supportive and keeping your boundaries at the same time!
Well put Starlady. So sorry you are facing all this Maternity

I was just wondering how Christmas went for you all MaternityLeave and how your m.i.l. was doing.

I’m a nursery practitioner and yes he will stimulate from being with children and that said he will flourish with people who love him. Just because your not keen on the in laws don’t get it crossed over with the issue that he needs to be in nursery. I often have to placate upset parents because their children are getting left as they have no other childcare options. These are the ones I feel sorry for.

Hope you are ok

With regard to your mil and fil you seem to hold quite a bit of resentment towards them and a distinct lack of empathy for their situation. They obviously want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson and unless you feel they are unfit, cruel, unkind etc. to take care of your son, the problem seems to be yours in the making. Allowing your son to be cared for by two loving grandparents will do more for for his intellectual and social development than any nursery environment. Be kind.

E14G I suggest you read the OPs latest update rather than her first post!

How’re you doing MaternityLeave?