To be angry with my brother over our fathers death?

I can see both sides of it.

As far as the brother goes, it's important to keep in mind that all of this may be a response to his childhood trauma. Our brains selectively recall good memories and forget bad ones as a protective measure. Keep in mind that no abusive person is abusive 24/7. Abuse goes in cycles. It's quite possible the brother has blocked out the abusive occurrences, and also quite possible he didn't bear the brunt of the abuse. In order for him to admit that his father wasn't a good dad, he has to admit that during his entire childhood, his needs for basic security and safety were not met - and those are second only to the need for food, water, and shelter in the hierarchy. He may not be at a point where he's ready to admit that. As an example, GFIL was awful. I haven't met him but I've heard details of what he did from Hubby. He was emotionally and physically abusive to his children, and did worse to his daughter. He was emotionally abusive to his wife. His GC were scared to death of him. But FIL (who was the favourite son) sometimes talks about St. GFIL of Blessed Memory and says he didn't see the negative side of him.

Then, too, there is the fact that however remote the possibility, there remains a chance for reconciliation as long as the person is alive. Death destroys that possibility. OP's brother may be mourning that as much as he is mourning what was.

Bottom line: while I think what the brother did was in questionable taste at best, I don't think it was appropriate for OP to let him have it.

Yes rosecarmel IMO all credit to the OP. I see nothing in the any of her posts to suggest she's manipulative.

Her brother certainly manipulated the death of his father for sympathy on FB.

I'm sure there is "more to this story" but not necessarily that Buttonjugs is manipulative and expected her brothers to tow the line.

rosecarmel knows something is afoot taps side of nose knowingly.

Grannyjay Are you my long lost sister or the sister I never had? I could have written what you did. I was nearly driven to breakdown by my brother and his treatment of our mother. I still find it difficult to talk about as people find it almost unbelievable. I would love to be able to talk to you as I think you would understand. I have joined Gransnet to post this as your story resonated so much. Thank you

Smileless, all credit to the OP for what?

She chose to take on the responsibility then became angry with her brother because he didn't support her decision-
That's manipulation-

Then all family and friends were shocked because he didn't, which is clear that she discussed how she felt about him with everyone else but him- That's manipulation-

Then after the man is dead she lashes out at her brother, without even making any effort to discuss it with him (once again) Even after he made efforts to contact her-

Why? Because there's only one side of story she wants heard-
Her side- And that's manipulation-

Then she comes online seeking reinforcement of her side of the story, not support- That's manipulation-

Perhaps she can ask her brother to come on and give his side.

We must be manipulative lot; all telling just our side of the stories.

rosecarmel … I'm afraid you have viewed this post through your own bias.

Where do you extrapolate without even making any effort to discuss it with him (once again)
from her post?

I texted my brothers, but only the one who took him shopping replied … is what I read.

All he had to do was reply to her text with a conformation and Thankyou.
Not with all the drama on facebook

But what is more worrying, is implying something odd about his Fathers death.
It's a classic very manipulative, and narcissistic move.

It's as if he is using facebook to rewrite history over his dealings (or lack of) with his Father in the recent past.

In fact I'm very surprised you don't see it this way, from reading your posts in the past.

MissAdventure … succinct and witty, as always

MissAdventure, her brother didn't respond to her text- He called her- She didn't want to talk to him-

She didn't mention once that she made an effort to discuss her issues with her brother- She did make it clear that she talked to her family and friends about it-

As far as the brother is concerned, I think agnurse summed up the possibilities-

Buttonjugs -- You made an adult decision to let your father into your home and then say, "I came to regret that decision because he lived far longer than anyone thought he would and I had given up half of my house." and you did that knowing, "he wasn’t a particularly nice man, had been violent towards my mother with drink and when they divorced he threatened her with violence if she didn’t sign a form to renounce her entitlement to half the house and paid her a smaller sum of money."

So it's completely understandable that all of his children may have mixed views on him as both a person and father due to how he treated each of you and your mother.

You go on to say, The day after he died, the brother who had barely seen him posted a status on Facebook describing him as a wonderful father and role model. He got lots of sympathy and I was furious. He also seemed to imply that there was something odd about the death. He has tried to ring me a few times but I didn’t want to speak to him so in the end I sent a text letting him have it with both barrels about why I was so angry.

It is understandable for an adult child with an abusive parent to have mixed views on their passing. What exactly about what he posted on FB made you "furious"? Was that he posted something positive about his father whether it was true or not? Or was it that he was getting sympathy? He lost his father, is he not allowed/deserving of sympathy for his grief because in your view he didn't 'do enough' or meet some criteria?

Then you make a vague reference to him (in your opinion) suggesting there was something "odd" about your father's death and instead of asking him directly what he meant OR at the very least answering his multiple phone calls, you instead decided, "I didn’t want to speak to him so in the end I sent a text letting him have it with both barrels about why I was so angry."

Yes. You have been unreasonable. You owe your brother a big apology and also one to yourself... Abusive parents hand down the dysfunction. Forgive your brothers and yourself for navigating parental dysfunction the best you all could. I hope you all find peace in the future.

Namsnanny -- You accuse rosecarmel of having a bias (probably the same one I get accused of having) and yet her point is the same as mine...

You asked, "Where do you extrapolate without even making any effort to discuss it with him (once again) from her post?"

"He has tried to ring me a few times but I didn’t want to speak to him" So HE reached out but OP didn't want to even enter a conversation and instead -- "sent a text letting him have it with both barrels".

So the Golden Child put/kept the Scapegoat in their 'proper place'... Not listened to and then attacked with "both barrels"...

MissAdventure -- "We must be manipulative lot; all telling just our side of the stories."

Sometimes you only need to hear one side of a conversation to see a dysfunctional thought. It is typical of abusers and enablers to dismiss that concept and cling to the "you have to hear both sides" in order to decide who is telling 'the truth'.

I have never bought that concept... I don't need to hear the Flat Earth 'side' to accept the Earth is round. I have plenty of data that supports that -- mostly the shadow of the Earth on the moon...

In order to believe/accept the Earth is flat you have to over-look a lot more then just looking up at the moon. It takes willful denial/ignorance of all logic and facts available to think that.

I had a great dad, however if he had been as horrible as you say your father had been to my mother, I wouldn't have had him live with me, he cheated her out of the house and was a bully, making her life hell, he could have paid for Carers out of her money. Why you chose to care for him only you know that but your brothers didn't want him, can't blame them either, why you think they should have wanted to I can't understand, why would they? You don't know how they felt about you caring for your father. That one brother posted what he did on Facebook could it have been wisful thinking. They have had to live with the knowledge of their mothers treatment by the man you chose to care for. I would just let it all go.

Am shocked that your post has attracted such adverse negativity. Criticism should be kind and constructive, not destructive. Your father did not sound a nice man but your kind heart still allowed you to care for him. We all know that there are some people in life that you just cannot talk to as they never actually “hear “ what others are saying... maybe that is your brother ? Hence the built up angst that you have felt towards him and have now let rip. It’s therapeutic getting things off your chest, so well done you ?

The brother took the piss! Sat back and allowed his sister to take the responsibility of looking after their Father and got on with his life... It was his Father too. The other brother gave her some help but not enough. It usually always becomes one person's responsibility and that is not fair. The brother who did nothing would have been better keeping his mouth shut on Facebook. He says his Father was wonderful and a role model...then where was he when his Father needed help?? No where to be seen. I would have given him both barrels too...that he dare right such mush on his Facebook page yet did not 'show' his father any care when he needed it most. Actions speak louder than words in this case..he talked a good talk but did nothing! I would have called him out on it!

It's unfortunate that Buttonjugs' post has as you say "attracted such adverse negativity" Coconut but that's GN for you.

Strange how some who've responded have no compassion or understanding for the OP but so much of both for her brother.

Who knew when any of us post here on GN about a personal issue from our own perspective, that we are all being manipulative.

MissAdventure

Well said, CocoNut ... and let's just ignore the attention-seeking negativity of a certain poster who seems to want to make this all about them!
Sorry to hear what you are going through Buttonjugs and glad that you have been able to vent your frustrations here. Hopefully you can now move on with making arrangements and get your life back without giving your brother another thought (good or bad). Things will get better and it does no good to dwell!

Sometimes when you have a parent who has been abusive, violent etc when they die you grieve for what could have been rather than what actually was. My father was a cleptomaniac and violent to my mother and later to my stepmother. I kept him away from my children as I knew he would teach them to steal and rarely saw him myself. But I was still very upset when he died as I knew it would never be any different now. Perhaps that's where your brother is coming from.

Its not necessarily guilt - I do think sometimes people need to look at the genetic approach as well. The father wasn't a nice man by the sounds of it - neither is the brother. Father did things for attention or because he could get away with it - so does this son. It is what it is. As someone once said there's nature and nurture - Nature gives you the gun and nurture gives you the bullet. The son has seen how Dad behaved and how it worked for him and therefore it works for him too. Must say expect the next saga will be re the money if there is any. Just do what you and your nice brother want to do re funeral etc and crack on you cant change the Drama Queens and remember when you retaliate or send them both barrels its what they want as they then get to moan to their friends .....calm and peaceful always wins with people like this. And regardless of how your father was well done for caring for him in his last phase.

Sorry rosecarmel, you obviously have your own theory of why when and how, but it is not your story to tell.
Buttonjugs, this is a tough time for you - and I can fully understand why you are so angry.
I can only think that either your brother was unaware of how your mum was treated or if he was, he's blocked it from his memory - or maybe he agrees that was the way she should have been treated! Horrible thought, I know but it may be possible .
It will be hard, but I hope that you can move on from this. You did the best in very difficult circumstances - that brother either didn't see or didn't care about your father and left it all to you. May you eventually put it on one side and move on.

Why not put the matter straight on your brother's Facebook page if you are that sort of family? Word it with care but leave any 'friends' in no doubt of your brother's true contribution to his father's life and care?
Best not though. Preserve your own dignity. Pay no attention to your brother and leave him to his guilt.

Death of a parent does strange things to families. My own situation is very long and quite sad, but suffice to say my Brother was estranged from my parents (a very sad story of post par tum depression, lobotomy and life long issues for my Mum). My Brother attended my Dads funeral over 20 years ago but didnt keep contact with my Mum. When she died in 2017 from dementia he did come to the funeral but was quite nasty over inheritance issues. I followed her Will, did the Probate myself and kept my Brother informed, I even gave one of his children the same inheritance as the others as they were left out of the Will as hadn't been born.. I can understand how my Brother must have felt as he was treated differently to me (Social services put him into care) but it was not my fault. Now we hardly speak which I think it quite sad. Life is far too short.

Buttonjugs I do not think you are being unreasonable. We all react differently at a time of death, when so much needs to be said.

I totally sympathise with you Op. my father was a violent narcissist and sociopath. Violent to me and my mum through alcohol. My mum died young, due to him and as soon as she died, he was out for sympathy and played the weeping husband and people gave it to him not knowing what went on fir all those years. It made me feel sick. He died a few years later and I had to get along with him as he was very ill. But the same story I know but I totally understand why you feel like you do against your brother and you are nit being unreasonable in the slightest. The people on this thread who think you are manipulative cannot have ever been in the situation you are in so I think they may not understand.

Death of a parent can bring out the most primal emotions,etc As we all know families can be the strangest things,I had a similar situation with my father.
buttonjugs needs compassion and not criticism at this time of grief.

Your story sounds very familiar. A very similar situation in my family several years ago. Particularly the bit about the sibling who never bothered at all for many years suddenly saying how much they missed their mum and what a close and wonderful relationship they'd had. Sickening. And then trying to argue to wrangle everything they could from the money and things that were left by mum. People can be wretched.