neglected house my grandchildren live in

I would be careful about saying/doing anything right now since you've be threatened with a CO (cut off). Maybe after a few pleasant visits, with no talk of the state of the house, but not till then.

I might not ordinarily say that, but it seems to me that those GC need you - and for more than overnights at your house and so on. Apparently, their parents haven't just fallen behind in housecleaning but in a social life, too, for both them and the kids. Maybe some of it's cuz their house is too messy to have friends in, but that doesn't explain not going out more. Maybe it's due to PPD. Maybe it's cuz they've been focused on their wedding. Maybe it's cuz SIL has turned out to be anti-social or just a penny pincher. Who knows? But thank goodness, DD and the kids have you to help them get out and have some fun!

I can see bringing those wipes, however, and just using them on anything you happen to need to clean, as your going along. Like if you're cooking/helping to cook a meal and/or cleaning up afterwards, maybe you could whip out your wipes and just say you like using them, if asked. But I don't know - even that may be touchy.

You say a health visitor is coming soon. Have they been there before? Did they say anything about the state of the house? Do you think they will this time? DD and SIL might be more likely to listen to a professional than "good ole Mom/MIL." But maybe not.

Also, just cuz DD has little kids to keep her busy, that doesn't mean she can't be bored. I'm sure she loves them, but some people find kids' activities boring and she may be one of them. She also may need more of a social life than she seems to be getting with SIL. The state of the house may reflect a problem in the marriage, especially since it seems to be a recent change. Or "boredom" may really be depression and DD doesn't realize it. Nothing you can do about any of that, of course. But if you think one of those is behind all this, maybe it will help you understand the situation better.

Resist the antibacterial wipes. Bite your tongue. The problem here is not the house is it. The state of the house is the outward expression of your daughter's feelings.

Blimey getting even more and more confused now with all the conflicting advice :-( it was just over a year ago I first said something to my daughter as my grandsons bedroom was covered in toast that he had thrown out of his cot and his sheets were mucky, there was lots of other things wrong with the house too,this prompted her to clean all his bedroom up and move him into a big boys bed,the second time was around 6 months ago when I noticed my poor little grandson was sleeping in a bed with no bedding and his bedroom floor covered in toys clothes and books etc, you literally couldn't move, hardly a safe, comfortable and cosy haven for him plus again lots of other things wrong with the house.I mentioned about him not having any bedding on and by the time I next went down it was all tidy and bed made., its not got that bad since its the smell of the mold on the ceilings and windows, I was heartbroken when both my grandchildren went back home after spending 3 days/nights with me knowing they were going back to all that, you can smell the foistyness on their clothes,they are both filthy from the mucky carpet and have dried up and fresh snot on their faces,I know my daughter wouldn't walk about house looking like that so why leave defenseless kids looking like that, I know she's a very caring and loving mum and they are fed and clothed..sorry can't write no more

OMG, gingernut! Your latest post put a different face on it for me! I don't blame you for speaking up in those 2 instances. Especially when I think of your GS sleeping on a bed with no bedding. Poor little guy!

I'm particularly worried about the kids being so dirty and smelly all the time. I take it they're not in school yet or, if they are, the school hasn't said anything.

I'm a little confused about DD. At first, you told us that if you try to talk to her about these problems, you get threatened with a CO. But now you say that in those 2 instances she listened to you and cleaned up. So maybe she your speaking up was working earlier but then she got tired of being told?

Be that as it may, if you're words aren't helping anymore and you really feel the kids are in an unhealthy, unsafe situation - and, I'm sorry but it sounds to me as if they are - then I'm changing my advice somewhat - I think you're only option is to call Social Services. I know you don't want to, but I don't see how you can just ignore this and I can't think of any other way to help those kids. Social Services may be able to do what you can't.

Maybe you want to wait until the health visitor comes to the house. Maybe they'll have a talk with DD and SIL if they notice these problems. Maybe they'll even make a report (they may be required to, I don't know). Then you would be off the hook and your GC would still get help.

I know you'll want to think carefully about this. If you do end up calling Social Services, might ask you if you would keep the kids for a while, as they're parents get their act together. Would you be willing to do this? Also, and if DD and SIL find out/suspect it was you, I know you may still get COd. But you'll know your DD's family is getting help and that you did the best by your grands. In my prior post, I know I was concerned about your providing a social outlet for DD and the kids, but now I'm thinking the children's health and safety are more important, especially if it's as bad as you describe. And I know you may be worried about their taking the kids away from the family, period. But as long as it's just a matter of cleaning up/keeping the house and kids clean, I don't think that will happen. I may be wrong, though, so again, I realize you'll want to give this a lot of thought.

Sorry that the advice here has been so contradictory - and now here's someone (me) who has actually changed hers! All I can say about that is please go with whatever rings a bell in your heart. My own heart goes out to you and yours once again!

What on earth do people think a social worker would do in the situation described?

The children are fed and clothed by a caring and loving mum.

The house may be neglected, but if your last sentence is true ginger then the children are not. There is no hint of physical harm or emotional abuse and the days are long gone when social workers had the power to intervene in family life because the home isn't up to some mythical standard. If there is a real cause for concern then it is the job of the Health Visitor to make a referral based on evidence that the children are, or are likely to be, suffering significant harm.

A tumble dryer will help with the mould problem and nothing else that ginger has described is serious enough to warrant social work intervention.

I completely agree, grannyactivist, a social worker would not be interested. The Safeguarding Children Social Workers have clear protocols to follow and the child protection issues are very clear. They are sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect. Social workers are overworked and under valued. It's a very difficult job and they have no part to play in households where the only issue is where a bit of tidying and cleaning might be needed.

I asked my daughter today if she minded if I did a little cleaning while she was in town as I'd only be bored at home and she accepted :-) I managed to clean 2 sets of windows and the window panes, I then tackled some of the kitchen, it was a nightmare trying to wash pots etc that had been in the sink for over a week with no plug for the sink or a bowl to use,no running hot water and having to re boil the kettle countless times, I had to throw some pans away as they were covered in burnt on moldy food(I had given her some of mine a couple of weeks earlier)I also managed to clean some of the kitchen surfaces, almost 3 hours it took me but progress has been made,my sister is helping next time so should get more done, I do actually have a friend that is a social worker and her advice was to inform social services as they would assist(didn't tell her it was my daughter)
By the end of next week their home will look and smell as she use to keep it herself and hopefully manage to keep up with things,my grandson is always wanting to come to mine and tells me he doesn't want to go back to mummy's house when he is here, hopefully that's because I'm an awesome nana haha
Things are looking up, thanks everyone for all your advice.
I would never ever report them to social services,my daughter and grandchildren mean the world to me and I would much rather get my hands dirty and help I was just at a loss on how to go about it after trying 3 different ways in the past.I do work myself and have my grandchildren a day and half a week and see them at their home 3 times a week so my time to help clean is limited but with extra help from my sister it will get sorted twice as quick

Oh and me and my daughter went out for dinner afterwards too with my grandchildren so yeah it's been a good day and no falling out :-D

No running hot water? That's not good with young children to look after...

Why is there so much mould in this house? Is there a landlord? They need some de-humidifiers.

When you sy "no bedding", do you mean a duvet without a cover? That's not that bad so long as he was warm.

Excellent post by rosie2014 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:48:37 Btw. Says it all.

You are doing a good job gingernut.

just read this post with interest, as I know someone with similar problems she is now being treated for an underactive thyroid, which causes depression like symptoms and now she is managing very well, she will never love housework but makes sure that hygiene is the most important thing. She may leave the bed unmade but the kitchen is clean and her childrens meals are prepared hygienically.

It begins to sound very like depression to me gingernut If the house itself is mouldy and there is no hot water She must feel everything is becoming too much. Is it a rented property and can pressure be put on the landlord. If it is their own is there any help available to deal with the damp and the water. I've lived with problems like these at times and it does wear you down. You reach a point where it's too much effort even to rinse a teacup.

The bed situation is no longer an issue and the no hot water I think was due to no money left on the gas meter but I know it did get topped up.how do you find out about an underactive thyroid please

gingernut31, if you can suggest to your DD that she may just be suffering from an under active thyroid, she may agree to go and get herself checked at her GP (she would have her blood tested for this). If she's really tired and lethargic much of the time, it's possible this could be the case - or simply that things have got on top of her as they do for lots of young mums. My own DD was born without a thyroid gland, and therefore has to take thyroxine as a matter of course. She can become really quite weary, however, even though she takes her medication at the right times, and knows that's just how it is for her. However, she's really tidy - on the other hand, her younger sister's home has always been chaotic, as has HER daughter's house!
I'm sure you're going the right way with your daughter, ginger. As long as she feels supported, and not criticised, hopefully you'll be able to get her through this patch. Gently does it.

This morning my GP (the doctor kind) mentioned that a recent blood test showed a 'borderline' thyroid. I've been tired,cold, and not felt like doing much since the end of last year. I don't often make an effort to get things done and my house is far from tidy. I put it down to the time of the year.
It crossed my mind at the time that your daughter might have an underactive thyroid. From what my GP said it can be easily treated. Anyway I'm glad things are improving for you all.

I've had an underachieve thyroid for years - strangely diagnosed the same day my long gone cat was diagnosed with an over active one! I've been on thyroxine ever since. It could be a reason your daughter feels everything is on top of her and she can't cope so it might be an idea to tell her to ask her doctor for a blood test. I'm so pleased to hear she's accepted some help and you've been able to make a start on cleaning the place. I'm sure once she starts to see an improvement it will give her an incentive to start herself too. Lovely to know you've had a nice day together too.