Feeling as if none of the family really care

I agree with jinglebellfrocks, children are rude/illmannered absorbed in their own little world. Time for you to take charge and introduce some social skills.

I know how you feel. My grandchildren, apart from one, never greet me unless prompted. This leads me to think I must be a bore. They liven up when we play boardgames or when I "act silly" singing and dancing, or even telling them stories about my naughty exploits as a kid, 70 years ago! I have a friend who used to be a dentist, and kids of all ages adore him. He engages them in little fantasy games & stories; he told me he had, as an only child himself, to learn how to talk to kids or they'd never open their mouths for him to apply his professional skills. I do think overly child centred parenting has a lot to answer for. Does anyone remember their own grandparents sitting quietly in a corner, seemingly totally uninterested in their grandkids? We were still brought up to speak to them respectfully and not interrupt.

I get you about offspring being wrapped up in their own world. I think we just have to get on with what is "our own world", in between having whatever contact we can with them (or whatever contact we are allowed, lol)

Nothing further to add to the comments above - just wanted to send a big hug and to say I understand perfectly, you're not alone ?

I know how you feel. I too at times have felt as though contact was a 'duty'. I think the best advice given was to make yourselves interesting, go on holiday, do things together. Some of the happiest 'oldies' I have met are having S.K.I. holidays - blow savings, take life by the horns and have a BLOODY GOOD TIME whilst you are fit enough. The family may contact you more if you have something interesting to say and are not just always 'there'. The dgcs are just plain rude and it is up to you to let them know that you won't tolerate it. Let their Mother pick them up if she doesn't like you telling them, it is no loss to you. My old Granny used to say "if you make yourself into a doormat you will get walked on". Seize the day and plan something awesome.

Lots of hugs - blessed be and remember that what you send out comes back 3-fold, so they will find themselves equally alone sooner or later. My DD1 has managed to estrange herself from me and her half-brother, forcing her sister into supporting her and cutting us off also and although we would dearly love to be reconciled with them both, and the situation breaks our hearts, especially as I have never met my GS properly (he was a toddler at my mum's funeral, but I've no idea of his name or anything else), but it's their choice, their life and you can't honestly do anything except be there if and when they do find they want your help or support.

I shall preface my remark with this: I am not a parent or grandparent, so perhaps those here will think I shouldn't comment. But I have been a daughter and granddaughter. Your grandchildren are just plain rude if they don't speak to you, and rudeness should be challenged, not rudely, but consistently. You say you relationship with your DIL is a bit tricky, which isn't going to help you tackle the childrens' behaviour, but is it worth pussyfooting around them, putting up with it, just to be made use of? Conflict is horrible, though, and you don't want to bully kids, so I think in your situation I might develop a little strategic illness - nothing much, perhaps a persistent summer cold, or something "playing up" for a couple of weeks meaning that i could not help with any child-collecting duties. And after I was "better" I might stretch that a little bit and wait until I was asked to "return to work", at which point (and this is just me, and I might even regret this, so not sure of the wisdom of even mentioning it, but...) I would question with DIL the need for me, and the desire of the grandchild to have me do it, and I would go on to say that I would need said child to be courteous in order to make me want to help. I realise a 'real' grandparent might not want to risk alienating in-law and grandchildren, and possibly losing access to the latter, but if the kids are rude to you or ignore you, why would you want to be bothered with them? i'm sure they pay attention at birthdays and christmas times, and as a non-parent i dont understand what pleasure you guys get from simply being a cash dispenser to a generation who aren't interested? Oh I do know just how harsh that sounds, and, as i keep saying, I am not a parent etc and am obviously not invested in that whole thing. However I loved my grandparents, saw them regularly (of course i had a favourite, my maternal grandmother!) and was rigorously taught manners by my parents, who would have made it very clear to me pretty instantly if i had been rude to or ignored anyone, and would have insisted that i apologise and mend my ways. And I saw or spoke to my mum pretty much every day, even when we lived in different places. I talk to or see my mum-in-law at least every week too, and am lucky to have a good friendship with her, and PIL too, which helps us to be able to talk over any little issues which might crop up. My final thought is that yes, I agree with many here that one's children and grandchildren do have busy, often stressed lives, but as their family you should be a part of that life, and they should appreciate and value you. If they don't value you, how can they expect you to value and help them?

Lovely post PP

Hi, know exactly how you feel. I have two daughters and six grandchildren and would not see any of them if we did not go and visit them. Even when they have known I am ill I still don't hear from them. But if they need someone to do something, they manage to phone then. I have tried staying away, but then I miss out more than they seem to. I think today's generation are a lot more selfish than we ever were and they are so busy because they are always attached to their phones or iPads. I brought my children up in an age when there was no internet or mobile phones and if you wanted to speak to someone you had to make the effort, yet we always made the time to visit friends and family. Sending big hugs and hope it does not get you down too much xx

People are self absorbed these days and it's easy to fall into a pattern of behaviour without actually realising you are doing it. It sounds like your family are somewhat taking you for granted.

I think you are worrying too much. Maybe you should step back and make yourselves less available and get on with your own lives doing things that do not involve the family unit.

As someone else has said, go on a lovely holiday and don't worry about the family.

When you come back be less available to them.

Your grandchildren probably do not realise they are being rude as this behaviour has gone unchecked. Why don't you pull them on it? If it were me, I would be saying to them 'Oh hi Nonnie'! so they know they are being rude.
How dare they be rude to you! Maybe they are rude in the same way to their parents? So what! They should not be rude to you, and it needs addressing.

I agree with previous posters daphne that you need to step up and insist your GC use their manners and say hello and thank you. Otherwise eventually it will be too late and they will feel uncomfortable speaking to you as they get older. It is important that you speak to them as you drive them home. You are the adults, take the lead.

I wouldn't always be available and agree with others, enjoy your time with your DH, while you can. You could be joining groups of like minded people, or find some activities you both enjoy, especially if you have recently moved to the area. Not waiting around for your too busy families to remember you exist. I always think parents who bend over backwards and act like doormats are saying to their families "walk all over me." We often hear about parents that don't give much time to their adult children and GC are those that are in demand. Human nature, we want what we can't have.

Daphne first of all (((hugs))) and
There are so many helpful posts on here that you probably don't need or want my two penny worth but here it is anyway!

I think that the phrases in your post which leapt out at me were when you said,".... what is the point of being here?" and also,"Is this the future as well as the present" and if you really ask yourself these questions you will know the answer instinctively. First though you need to take back control of your own lives as a couple and decide what it is that you want taking into account exactly where you are.
You have fulfilled your duties as parents by successfully bringing up your own DC to the point where they are capable, fully functioning independent people who are now bringing up their own children. That particular aspect of you being parents is completed and so you then need to move on as it is now your own children who have moved into that position.

You and DH have a new marriage and partnership and need to work out how you want to live your lives primarily as a couple. Any other people are not as important as each other in the same way that you are not as important in your children's lives as their respective OHs. Anyone imposing their needs and requirements on you and your DH should be considered only as and when you and DH have sorted out your own mutual priorities. It would appear that is what your DC are doing in their lives and now that the family dynamics have changed in that you are now the grandparents that is also what you should be doing.

Move on, pursue your own interests and hobbies, take up voluntary work, study something and be busy. Do not drop everything to accommodate your DC unless that is convenient to you and what you as a couple want to do. Or if it is an emergency in the true meaning of the word.
You are the only ones who should be in a position to decide if the present is going to be the same as the future so do get on and make some life changing decisions.

As for the DGC and their behaviour when you are looking after them you are in the position of 'loco parentis' and if you would not have allowed your own children to behave in that manner then you do not allow your grandchildren to behave in that way either. Part of your duties at that time is teaching them what is and is not acceptable behaviour so just tell them what you expect. Children always push the boundaries to find how far they can go - so tell them!

Go and have a break as a couple and use the time to work out how you want to spend the rest of your days, including what you are prepared to do and not do. It could be the best way you have ever spent any of your time. Just make sure that any change of direction is done gently and subtly so that you don't cause any family ruptures.
The future is yours to make of it what you will.

Jennywren54 you say " as she is only eight and I am the adult, what does any one else think."

I think this is the ideal age to start teaching consideration for other people's feelings, which is what good manners are.

I know just how you feel DD and family, four daughters, two great grandchildren, none of the girls were taught to say thank you for anything, just grab and go! I am now expected to give lavish presents for the two GG and am admonished if I miss a birthday, have now decided to opt out and enjoy (by myself) whatever time I have left, they all know where I am if needed

How surprising that so many people feel the same and are treated the same way. Shocking really. My grandsons often ignore me but I keep saying hello until they answer. If they don't I tell them it's very rude. I am past caring, tired of always being taken for granted and only get phone calls when something's wanted. I love them all very much but I'm not prepared to be treated badly any More!

I am so relieved to read all these posts. I thought I was the only mother in the world, whose children found her boring. What makes it worse is that my neighbour's three grown up children are always visiting, taking her shopping and picking her up from work. The consequence, hubby and I no longer feel guilty and spending the inheritance.
Anyway, no. 2 son phoned and has asked to come for dinner tonight, so maybe I'm not so boring after all. Or is it that he needs a good feed!

You are certainly not alone! Take what you will from the relationship and give what you are happy to but also don't be a door mat and enjoy some lovely special times that make you happy. I am sure they love you, it's just the way life can be these days. I honestly think my kids would be devasted if they knew how sad and lonely and neglected I feel at times. I think most families are like it, particulary, in my opinion, where it's our sons who have a wife and family.,

I don't condone rudeness in families but it isn't just the last 2 generations this neglect applies to. They are just more open about it. My mother often talks about the 'duty' visits they made to their parents every 3 weeks. Not much love and friendship there then.

Such a good post Synonymous, it says everything that needs saying.

Got one daughter who does and one who doesn't . We wanted them - they owe us nothing. I force myself on them occasionally. Be there when you're needed. Must admit I used my mum when kids were young. Want to apologise but she's no longer with us. Shrug your shoulders and get on with your own lives.

Flowers, hugs, sunshine, wine, gifts coming your way. And you're not alone! Good luck with it all. I'm going through a difficult time with my daughter, so (selfishly) I find it comforting to know I'm not alone.

Lindill41 "I force myself on them occasionally"

Well done. Keep it up.

Virtual hugs here too. . The grandchildren need a lesson in manners methinks! I've felt the same way myself with certain family members but I think the best advice is to get on and enjoy life with friends and OH.

I do love Gransnet. Often I've read a thread and thought I was the only person feeling a certain way then I find that there are others feeling the same, it's not just me...hurray!

On the other side, I've often laughed out loud at some of the comments. Keep up the good work Gransnetters.

I live 300 miles away from my daughter and her family ( husband and 2 young sons ). I visit them as often. as possible as really enjoy it and think they do too. I travel via the coach which takes 8 hours on the coach but 2 hours on a bus to get to coach station. Sadly I haven't been since February. My daughter ( they both have cars ) haven't been to visit me in 7 years ! Then says last week I haven't been for awhile.

Daphne. If you can afford a holiday then take one and only let them know a few days before so they have to make other arrangements for "child pickup." Dont feel guilty about it either. They have more years than you to live so make the most of the years you have. Do you give your GCs pocket money say on a Friday for the weekend ? Most kids are mercanary so that should go down well. But a holiday should be your main priority IMO anyway.
Good Luck.