Daughter moving back home

Elarev - I agree totally with Far North - your husband is being unreasonable and if you allow him via his children to sabotage your own daughter's future, you would never forgive yourself. By the sounds of it, these two children are not nice people since you say they are always giving him a hard time - do not let them win - he has made a choice to be with you and not their mother, they probably can't forgive him for that and they are probably also very jealous that you have a daughter who they see as a competitor. Knock this on the head now and tell him to sling his hook if he insists on putting his daughters who don't need this help before yours who does. I have my own daughter and two younger stepdaughters, one of whom can accept our overall family situation, and the other one who can't. She is beyond jealous, refusing to recognise that her dad has grandchildren from my daughter and continually attempting the emotional blackmail card. You will grow to despise your husband if he engages in this competition. Good luck to you - support your daughter and grandchild.

Who looks after the little boy during the two days when your daughter is working long shifts? Presumably he is at school during term time but needs picking up etc., and afterschool care.

I don't think moving in with you will work if your DH is against it. You'd be better off helping her to stay in her own home and maintaining her independence.

I can quite understand why your husband is reluctant to accept this proposed move. His reaction may have more to do with the massive, life-changing disruptive impact the 24/7 presence of a 7 year-old will have on him than on the perceived opinions of either his ex or his own adult children. I'd work very hard to come up with an alternative solution, including providing financial assistance towards maintaining your daughter's independence. This goes far deeper than just "having the room". It would change your lives overnight, and not necessarily in the way you would like.

Anyone who marries someone with existing children, has to accept that at sometime there will be issues that need addressing, in fact even when it is the natural father it still happens. My 2nd husband started giving me ultimatums re my adult children and I told him that whereas I would openly discuss any issue that he was not happy with, if he started making me choose between him and them, I would start to resent him just for putting me in that position. He continued and I divorced him for that and many other reasons. Unless there are issues with drugs, alcohol etc most of us would bend over backwards to help our kids whatever their age. I would advise that you both sit down with your daughter and have a 3 way chat, raise concerns etc Your husband should not be dictated to by his adult kids who should know better, if they are against you, they will use any excuse to cause a rift and that’s something else he has to address.

I'd be anxious about my marriage if my husband was so intransigent about one of my children who clearly needs support. You could help with rent and childcare but that also depends on your husbands full support, otherwise tension and rows will be inevitable.
Family support doesn't end when the children leave home, does it. You clearly love your daughter and grandson. In your position I'd want to give support. It may be possible to compromise and support your daughter financially and emotionally without her moving in. I suspect she's feeling very vulnerable if she is considering moving in with you, especially as she feels your husband doesn't like her. "Been nasty to her" - unless this was one of those 50% disagreements between step parents and children, that would also be ringing alarm bells
I do hope this can be resolved without too much upset.

I would support your daughter all the way her husband sounds controlling .Your flesh and blood should come before your husband in my view .
You can always get another husband lol .
It is not like you will be over crowded and it must have been serious for your daughter to ask you .
It is not forever just until she gets qualified .
I image she is struggling .
I don’t often post but this one I felt so strongly for your daughter .
Just think of the joy of helping her and your grandchild .

Sorry when your husband married you he took on your family too, just like you did with his children. If you think your DD deserves your help and in your heart that’s what you want to do then you should, then do it.

hate to say I agree it might be about inheritance. Hope you bought your home as 'tenants in common' so 50:50. If she moves in and anything happens to both of you she could claim more rights of support of the estate or dh if you go first or dependant on you at the time , so displacing his kids. Their Mu would be stoking the fire have no doubt.
If you can support her financially, and have grandson over so she can study in peace, I'd do that. Whatever you chose don't let it sour relations with either dh or your d. Life's too short and love stretches all around

Gosh this really puts you in a dilema doesnt it! Fathers and daughters, is a tough one. Could you perhaps invite the daughters round and explain to them the situation and that it would only be temporatry, whilst your daughter studies. Stressing that once she's qualified she will be able to get a good job and then afford her own accomodation. I think our children (despite how old they are) always need reasurance that we are there for them if they need us. His girls might feel your daughter is getting special treatment. Is their mother around for them? If not, maybe that puts extra pressure on your husband regarding his girls. Its always good to see all sides of a problem so perhaps everyone getting together to discuss the possible arrangement might be a good idea, but somewhere neutral not at the house in question. I do hope you are able to sort something out that has everyone's approval so that you can all move forward with your lives.

I sympathise - on agreement with my husband my daughter, partner and baby moved in with us while saving for a deposit. They said 6 months. My husband always claims I just moved them in which is a lie.
It's now 18 months and he has constantly bullied me to tell them to move out.
When I went to Portugal to help his mum clear their sold house he moved into his folks house to help look after the dad. He hasn't moved back here since claiming he wants them out.
The house is mine and a large 4 bed. They have their own living room and he hardly saw them due to work.
I'm not throwing them out. Marriage is about better and worse, mucking in. Like me you are stuck in the middle.
My husband is an alcoholic and drinking again, and I think there is now someone else due to telling his parents he is seeing me and staying in hotels all night.
He has no children so doesn't get it.

As much as I love my DH he knows my kids have and always will come first. I have 3 he has 2 all grown up. I respect that he puts his first too. We say we have 5 between us and always have. It's got to be 50_50 from the get go in mixed families. It never works otherwise unfortunately . Hope you can manage a compromise .

I understand your dilemma, but regardless of whose daughter or granddaughter it is, I think any adult offspring moving in would lead to conflict. Now that our children are grown up and left home many years ago, I would not want them back home with even one child for more than a short specified time. Just looking after children when they come to stay is very disruptive, especially at evening meal times trying to cater for everyone and then bath and bedtime, which you would no doubt be heavily involved in. Been there, done that when we were young. From what you say, I don't think your relationship would survive all your attention being on your daughter and granddaughter.

My first thought was that of FarNorth's and others and that it is unreasonable not to be able to help adult children at times of genuine need, but your second comment does rather change things as he does want to protect the relationship with his own children. The difference is that your child needs help whereas his are either being awkward or they just have a difficult relationship with their father which may or may not be for valid reasons.
There is no way for everyone to be happy and it is time for you to choose. My father would always have chosen his wife first and in some ways I see your husband as a better person for not wanting to harm the fragile relationship with his children but there is really no right or wrong. He could end up with no one if he doesn't support you and his relationship with them remains difficult.
He may also, as others have said, be protecting his own peace and I do have some sympathy with that.
It is a problem with no perfect solution. It is a horrible question of who do you let down (or cause to feel that you have let down) unless you can find a different solution.
I think you need to be honest with your daughter and discuss alternatives, maybe helping her financially and having your grandchild to stay overnight occasionally? Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

This is difficult.

After your DD completes this Access course will she be undertaking the 3 year nursing degree course? Is the plan that she would want to remain with you throughout?

I'm sorry but my child comes first...as obviously your husband's does ...the fact that his explanation.. tells me he is putting his children first! A very difficult situation...I would have to go forth and help my child and face the consequences whatever they might be! The day may come when he needs the same support in the same situation! I have been on the verge of this type of scenario myself, but it resolved itself in the end by me giving financial support to my child which leaves me really short but I can rest easy knowing that my child won't flounder. 2nd husband doesn't like it but tough, its not his money that is supporting my child, its mine and I don't ask him for any.

There could be more to this than just needing support while studying etc. Is your daughter struggling to pay the rent and that's the real reason behind her wanting to move in with you? Not many mothers, single or otherwise, would want to give up their independence and move into a home where they are not wanted by one of the owners and Yes! He does own half the house.

As for finding it hard to study. One of my DDs managed an OU degree with three small children, a husband away for months at a time in the Navy and her only support (me) three hours drive away.

If she leaves her current home and things go pear shaped, you're going to be looking at an even trickier situation.

I feel you would be right to support your daughter, absolutely. Would it help the situation to have a clear time-frame - in writing if that's what it would take to satisfy your husband and so that everyone is clear on the situation?

Hi all. My daughter's stay would be temporary unroll next July. I've thought of every which way to help.
In fairness it would be easier for me if she lived here. I'm already doing lots of toing and froing, also work full time myself. Pick up and drop off from school, make meals etc. I'm a lot knackered!
I think a solution could be for her to appeal to work and do less shifts but go on bank staff. Or sign for an agency so she can choose when she works.
I also think the main issue here is that she feels her son misses out and some of her reasoning is that if he is here with his nanni he's got the next best thing to her.
I also know how difficult it it to open up your home to anyone. If i was on my own it wouldn't be a problem.
We always said though when we bought this house there was a room each for all our children.
Only this appears to have gone by the wayside.
I have thought of all scenarios even a caravan. Even a Log cabin in the garden..
Of course I will support her financially. But I retire in 8 years and so am mindful of this.
Int life hard sometimes?

our son came home after the break up of his relationship,he brought his one year old daughter with him for half of every week.Although we are BOTH his parents we had friends who called us mugs ,fools etc.He stayed here until last year that was over 6 years.His daughter is still with us for a feww nights a fortnight as we want to make sure he's settled in his new relationship before we UNsettle the wee one.Its working well ,she loves his new partner so there will be a time soon I think when we'll resort to being GP 's she just visits .You have to do your best for your kids...they dont stop needing you when they turn 21 ..or 25 or even 35...theres no magic cut off point .I hope you resolve this ,it is so rewarding having a child about the house ,watching them develop as you watched your own.A privelege a lot of GP's dont get .I've loved every minute of it and so has my OH .

Does your daughter live near you? Is her son's school near you?
Does your husband see his own 2 children often? Since they already 'often give him a hard time' maybe he should assert himself with them, not with you.
Was his being 'mean' to your daughter a one off or something he has done a lot? Maybe she's right that he doesn't like her.
If your husband is a reasonable man perhaps he can outline any circumstances in which he'd accept her staying. Make it clear to him that she needs support for a limited period if all goes well with her studies.
I hope you can arrive at a plan of action for your daughter and grandson.

I totally agree paddyann. My DH daughter was quite troubled so came to stay for a year. My daughter came back with double pneumonia whilst pregnant because she had a damp flat . She left when baby was 6 months. I am there Mum . That doesn't stop because they are grown up .

Mmmm....mixed feelings here! Have two daughters who have yo-yo'd a bit. I am also re-married so not with biological father. Yes, of COURSE you want to help but I didn't find it easy having my kids 'back home' permanently even with my much loved GC's. They did kind of revert to being my 'kids' in some way..... (whether that was my fault or not am not sure)

My DH just went along with it all so it was me probably who wanted to see them settled and independent again with an 'open door' to our house.

Maybe work out how long this arrangement is intended to be. If DD expects you to co-parent (as opposed to grand parent). If you are prepared to do this etc etc

I disagree somewhat with people who say you DH is being totally unreasonable, simply because I don't know the facts. He may just not want the unpheaval for an indiscriminate amount of time and may be blaming his kids? Not sure. If you love DH, you do need to consider his feelings in this also and reach a compromise that suits you all. Well that's my opinion any way.......fwiw lol....oh just seen you say its until next July? Ignore that bit of my post then ha ha

If his children wanted to move in for a while presumably you would say yes. Point this out to him. Staying until July is only an inconvenience, not life-changing. Having a seven year old around might add a bit of fun to your home. Your husband might make amends to her for being mean and her opinion of him might improve no end if he helps her out. If his children object, tell them firmly that you would do the same for them. Your daughter is going to be extremely busy at the end of her course and if you choose to consider your husband's and his children's (selfish) feelings over her very real needs it is likely to spoil your relationship with your daughter and grandson. The house is big enough, give them some space of their own and welcome them in!

Whatever whichway, you must support your daughter in this otherwise you'd never forgive yourself. I would make it clear that it would only be for a couple of years until she can be independent again. My children always come first and my partner knows and accepts this as he should. My son of 40 is home again now, and I take care of my daughters grandchildren three days a week. it's a very noisy, busy, messy atmosphere and we all love it.

Elarev - cross post re length of stay. So your daughter is needing to stay for less than a year. Your joint house was bought with a room for each of your children in mind.

You are already putting time and effort into supporting your daughter and grandson. Your husband should appreciate that, as well as helping out someone in need, by welcoming your family for a few months he'll make your life less busy and stressed. I hope you can get him to see things in a better light.