Adopted Grandchild

Your love story with your grandson will be of a 'slow burn', fierce love.

I’m a great believer in frequent contact being the key thing in forming strong bonds with grandchildren rather than blood ties and I don’t think the OP should worry too much. I think it’s a wonderful thing to adopt a child and I think, if it were me, I’d give as much support to the adoption as I possibly could. Two year olds have a way of stealing your heart and I’d be eager to let mine be stolen. I have a step grand daughter who arrived on the scene aged 4 and I think as much of her now as any other of my grandchildren.

I have been in almost exactly the position of your daughter. She and her husband will also be building a relationship with their new child. At this point they will be hoping that they will love their son as they love their daughter. They will also be hoping that all family members will love their second child as they love the first. They will be worrying that the adoption goes ahead. Their situation is very stressful yet very very exciting. What I found was that grandparents get caught up in the excitement and the love comes quickly. Fake it if you have to, but I think your feelings will be genuine and overwhelming. You will soon love your grandson as you love your granddaughter. Congratulations and very best wishes to you all.

My son has two girls - eldest one adopted. I don't even think about it. I almost said one day that she takes after her father in some things! lol. don't worry. I would be excited. a lovely little two year old boy. ?

I once told an adult friend how much like her Mum she was ...then she told me she was adopted ???

Actually I think I’m just like one of my adoptive grannies. In character if not in looks!

Put yourself in his place - to be adopted at 2 he must have been in a less-than-ideal home situation before. Heaven knows what he has experienced. He'll be anxious about going to live with these new people - much more anxious than you or your daughter and SIL are. Give him a loving welcome - even if you don't feel an instant connection , pretend like mad and make him feel the love. Soon it will come naturally and you'll wonder why you were ever concerned.

All grandchildren are half unrelated to us! We love both halves.

Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart but in it

Hindu saying

Hope this works for your daughter - and for you

Just take a step back and let it all happen naturally ?

Oh how I love that saying. If we all kept our mouths shut and our hearts open. Just fake it till you make it.

What a wonderful person your daughter is, to do this incredible thing, providing a homeless child with a home, albeit one with a slightly nervous granny attached :-)

To love or not is a decision.

You can decide to love him then you may fall in love with him.

Lyndiloo
You're very brave to open up so truthfully on here and I'm glad we GNers are here for you (and all the others) who are facing things they are afraid of or worried about. I'm glad you did. I'm not a 'fussy' mum either cnd love my own C to death and beyond but I would truthfully find it difficult to love or drool over other people's children. That said, a certain kind of love will grow as this new son of theirs embeds himself into the fabric of the lives of his parents and the wider family.
You may suddenly find yourself forgetting the circumstances of his joining the family but, be kind to yourself. It's a different journey to get to the same ending. He will come to know how lucky he is to have a safe loving environment within which to make the most of his opportunities.
You and your family will do a great job.

Gosh, what an inspirational and uplifting load of responses to OP. Thanks to all contributors. Totally heartwarming. I was already having a good day but now it has triple whammied. Wowwee!

It is very complex adopting a toddler of two who has probably experienced an adverse start to life. I am surprised that you as a family member have not been offered at least one visit by the person responsible for ongoing welfare of the child being placed.

Your 4 year old grand child will need support because a two year old boy rushing about picking up her toys without permission and throwing them on the floor will not be easy to relate to in an affectionate and favourable way. I hope she is getting help on how to relate to her new brother. I hope he has his own bedroom and that they do not have to share. Also that she has chosen some of his new toys for him as her 'gift', and that she has met him and had a chance to ask the questions that are important to her.

This charity may be able to help and offer an insight into the complex issues that need to be discussed and aired.

www.adoptionuk.org/

Let us know how things progress. All the very best. Emily

Please please, treat the little boy with love and affection, I was adopted and my Mothers family either did not aknowledge my existence, even when I was in the room ot make comments like " how are you mananging with her, i'ts a pity you have to put up with her" my maternal Grandmother never spoke to me once. My Fathers family were and are the opposite always treating me as one of the family.
I buried my Mother last Thursday, all of my Fathers family who could attended the funeral, none of her family attended, they all live very close to the village she was buried in.
Their cruelty has caused lasting problems for me, Just try to love him please, he will repay you manifold.

It's ok not to love him op.

I admire your honesty as often we feel we have to hide our negative feelings. I wonder too if your dd may have a similar fear. I would imagine it's quite a normal feeling to have. It's pretty normal to not like your own dc too - I wonder if he might have a personality that appeals to you? We all like different types - some of us like quiet reflective children and others of us like active chatty ones. We're all different.

It might help to read 'children are from heaven' a book by John Grey (from venus & mars fame - which i'm not so sold on) as he explains the four main personality types and provides a really good understanding of how to communicate with children more effectively according to whichever type they are. It really helps to understand which type we are too - also helps with improving communication with other adults once you work out their type too!

We have a bit of all types but tend to be predominately one or the other.

I have an adopted grandchild and natural grandchildren. I love them all, and you will find you will love both of yours too. The difficult beginning he had will arouse compassion at first, and from this will grow the love.
I suggest you start to prepare for his arrival in the same way you prepared for your granddaughter’s arrival. When my genetic grandchildren arrived, I make a basket filled with baby toiletries and essentials, and I bought a few little garments, as well as giving money to buy bedroom furniture, the cots etc. So when my adopted grandchild was expected I filled a basket with toddler toiletries and essentials, and bought a few items of clothing, plus giving the expectant parents money to buy bedroom furniture, the cotbed etc. Just exactly the same, because both arrivals were expected and looked forward to. Involve yourself in the planning just as you did for your granddaughter, a new little grandchild, how wonderful. Love will come, it always does.

Lyndiloo - you sound really caring, and aware that a 2 year old might bring his own problems with him, and concerned for both children. I think you're well up to the job of 'adopting' a grand child. I'm sure your help will be needed in practical ways, and you'll get used to having a new family member really easily.

Children that our loved ones love are usually very easy to accept into the family. My niece is now engaged to a man who has a daughter from his first marriage. The daughter has been referring to my niece as her step-mum for a long time. I find I'm really interested in my niece's step-daughter, just as I would be interested in her birth-daughter, because she's an important part of my niece's family. I do think children bring love with them. Hope you have lots of happy times with your new grandson. x

GabriellaG what a nice post. It's true about Gners being there for each other which is why we need to answer people kindly.
This post heartwarming indeed has left me with tears in my eyes.

Children are all loveable and they are all different. There will be problems as there always are but not from the adoption, just from the ups and downs of life.
Just hang on in there and don't question your love and acceptance for at least two decades.
There are many other pieces of good advice here too.

Felice I am so sorry to hear your story. And that you are still having to cope with it.x

Felice. How sad to read of your rejection by your mother’s side of your family. Even worse, that is still going on.
I hope that you have kindness and love in your life, you surely deserve it.

I think of the song line - "love is nothing 'til you give it away: you end up having more". As the GN posters say here, you are already halfway there, thinking about this little boy. Keep an open heart and let love grow.