Selfish daughter?

It is rare Iam, and when there is mental health problems and addiction even more so. I ache for OP,

The children need stability and the only ones who can give them that are the grandparents. The priority is also the children and unless help is professionally sought for the daughter then the children stay with the grandparents.
It wouldn't be the first time that primary carers are ageing grandparents.

Adult social services and those familiar with mental health should be contacted and this plight explained to them.

That's one of the key issues Anniebach, that addictions are so difficult for the person with the addiction and for their loved ones.
The OP here, like so many other grandparents, is in a difficult place between the needs of her grandchildren and the needs of her adult daughter. The needs of the children include their mum being well, but their mum isn't currently in a place where she'll be able to respond to help. Help is vanishingly rare these days

And there are people who know they have a problem , go into rehab but find the real world too hard to cope with . If only it was as simple as accepting help and your cured

Some people don't see it as themselves having a problem this is why addictions in some cases are hard to treat. Those who are in denial are impossible to treat and will refuse medication and/or help.

Thanks for your contributions Pythagorus. The best advice on addictions I was ever given when learning my job, came from a man who ran our city's drug team. He'd been a heroin and poly drug user before he reached the point of engaging with help.

Anniebach - I know self harming and anorexia are not selfish and silly. I am a recovered bulimic ....... I didn’t get help so it took longer than it could have done to beat it ..... but eventually I did.

And self harming and anorexia is not being selfish or silly
Pythagorus

Pythagorus. If only it was that simple, but it isn’t

Annie Bach - Addiction isn’t a choice ..... but the decision to seek help for addiction is a choice.

I would be tempted to keep the GCs with you and tell her to move out until she sorts herself out!

The GCs need you as you are the only stability they have. They need the routine, the clean beds, hot meals and the care you are giving. They can of course help with the chores.

If you can afford it get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week. Avoid ironing ... I finish things off in the tumble dryer and fold.

I would try and stop her going off somewhere with the children ..... if necessary I would get social services involved. Why should the children suffer. Sounds like a selfish silly woman who is trying to be a teenager again. Depends on the extent of MH problems.
Your house, your rules!

Prescription meds and cannabis don't mix if she's taking both as cannabis will counteract any good that her medication gives thus exacerbating her already depressive condition.
Cannabis alone has been proven also to cause MHI.

David1968 - you posted more or less what I was thinking. The children can learn to keep themselves clean, do their own washing, and help around the house. If their recent home life has been chaotic they could well enjoy having some control over their environment.
If they are at the same schools as before homework could be discussed with their teachers. If not explain to the headteacher that there may be issues. Can they encourage each other to get it out of the way early in the evening? Then they'll have time for helping you and for their own interests.
It's a good thing you're doing, to give your GC some much needed stability. I'm sure it's very demanding but, as you say, already they are starting to flourish. ?

Please don’t say addiction is a choice

I also agree with David the kids are 7 upwards so should be helping Make a game out of it have star charts or picture of stairs to climb for the younger ones they usually raise to a bit of competition The older ones should like to have some responsibility with a treat at the end of the week Encourage your husband (if he doesn’t already) to perhaps take the older ones out at the weekend and if there are other family members around don’t be afraid to ask for breaks You can’t do it all alone or you will break then who has the kids
Your daughter will have to get what help she can for herself and until she’s ready to engage with that help there is nothing you can do ...it’s so so hard to watch our lovely kids struggle

Sorry Bowdie. (Not Bowie!)

Bowie, there's loads of good advice here so I won't dwell on your DD. But about your DGC - you don't say how many GC or their ages. If the youngest is seven, then I think it's reasonable to encourage them to help in the home as much as possible. They could take responsibility for their own bedrooms, make beds, help with general cleaning and shopping, as well as emptying the bins, setting/clearing the table, and washing-up. (Plus loading/unloading the dishwasher, if you have one.) This could help you to feel less tired as well as developing your GC's "life skills" and independence, alongside making them feel they are valued members of your household. (Even if they complain!)

Whilst having every sympathy with your daughter, I think your priority needs to be the welfare of your grandchildren. Your daughter is an adult and making poor choices, I agree with Lynne don't enable her to continue in this way. It's hard to see this happening to our children, I hope things improve soon Bowdie

Unfortunately the drinking and drugs will be masking her mental health almost impossible for a CPN to do any valuable work with her they will not even be able to make a proper diagnosis while drugs are involved and any meds she’s taking for depression probably won’t be of any use that is if she’s even remembering to take them

Well poor choices is not hard to define Bowdie it’s everything she’s doing basically drinking, drugs, meeting strange men, and putting herself into vulnerable situations

Counselling could help her as she needs to find the ‘good mum’ you have described from before obviously the break up has dipped her into a ‘I don’t care about anything’ mode
She actually needs someone to help her find that part of her again but counselling would need her to be drug free too so I would have thought that s the part you have to get help with first
In the meantime can you recruit any family members to help take some of the children’s needs of your shoulders are there out of school clubs or other young people’s groups to give you some breaks Does your husband get involved and help you Can you talk to someone before you go under
Very very hard for you as your daughter is unravelling before your eyes and we all love our kids whatever they do x

She's got depression etc., and yet smokes weed and she drinks - both of which will add to her mental health, not ease it.

Your daughter would probably lose the children if not for you and your husband helping her out. Is there a way that you can make her sit down and talk about the harm she's doing to herself, the children, and to you and your husband?

I take it she doesn't pay towards anything at your house? With a part-time job at minimum wage, I'm guessing you don't charge her any board? If not, you're enabling her to go out drinking and buying her drugs.

You perhaps ought to think about getting legal guardianship of your grandchildren - your daughter isn't being a mother at all. Is the father around/paying towards looking after them?

Yikes. I don't necessarily think her behaviour is linked to MH, with the exception of the weed. It's not uncommon for people with MH issues to develop a "dual diagnosis" or "concurrent disorder" that is a substance use issue. It's theorized that this is a form of self-medication.

I do think it would be prudent for you to go to family counselling with her. She needs to understand that she's still Mum and that means she's responsible for her children.

I also agree with seeing if the children's father could get involved. Is he seeing them? (Depending on the laws in your area, generally he should be seeing them unless there's a reason for him not to be, for example abuse.) Is he in a position to care for them if she's not willing to do so?

What sort of illness is the “ full Bhuna “ as you describe Bowdie?
It sounds very serious!

Can the CPN help arrange a social worker? Perhaps if your DD had her own place she would look after the children better and you could offer help at a distance. I wish you well. Difficult situation.

There is a CPN involved, so some ‘help’ is already available to focus on diagnosed mental health problems. Smoking weed may have been self medication but will make things worse. That may be one of the poor choices the CPN is referring to.
The OP is left in a parental rather than grandparent role, is now on anti depressants and says she can’t cope. There are four children in the middle of this.
Can the children’s father offer practical financial and emotional help, or is he part of the problem.
It isn’t only children’s mother in need of help here. What do you want to happen OP and how do you think that could be achieved?

PND can occur many years later. Ask any professional. Your daughter needs help before her condition worsens.