To relocate or not?

We took that jump when we were early sixties for the same reasons...

15 years on we are glad we did so...
We have not regretted it at all..
New adventure...
Not
Though grandchildren also move on don't forget...
Join clubs do voluntary work... ETC and make your own lives as well as enjoying you family closer...
Good luck..

One friend with 4 children (one abroad, the other 3 lives in different parts of the UK), has chosen to stay in the city she has spent 50 years in and now lives in supported housing and is very active. All her friends have either died or moved away, but she says that she doesn't regret not moving. Her children and grandchildren now visit her regularly. Another friend moved to be nearer her son, DIL and younger children. Her husband died unexpectedly soon afterwards, and she has been, basically, left to get on with it. The children are a bit older now and she rarely sees them (they want to be with their friends instead); DIL has gone back to work full-time and their weekends seem to be spent going away, catching up with friends, etc. She tells me that she feels lucky if she is invited over for Sunday lunch. Her son has now been offered a new job 200 miles away which he has accepted. She is actually looking at moving back nearer her friends. Another friend has moved nearer to her son and his wife, only for her husband to develop Alzheimers, so she is really struggling to look after him, access support, or to help with grandchildren (she can't). She knows that she would have had lots of help had they stayed in their last house. Best to talk to your son and his wife, and encourage them to be honest - parents moving nearer are not always welcome (sadly). Sorry to post negative experiences, but you really need to be aware of all the possible pitfalls. Of course, for you, it might be a really good decision! Talk it over with your son and DIL, then follow your heart.

Ps
Don't know where the NOT came from! Ignore..

It's well worth renting for a few months to see what life is really like in the area you are thinking of moving to. We found we were called upon during the week and left alone at weekend and we missed our interests and hobbies back ' home'. It didn't help when DD told us that if we moved closer, she "did not want us living in their pockets". That hurtful comment made us realise that it probably wasn't the right move for us so I am glad we rented instead of committing to buying a property. I know most people have a better experience than us but thought it was worth the cautionary note.

Good public transport, near shops (plural) and dr. definitely. Library? Things to support your hobbies/interest. Be prepared to join interest groups local college, U3a, at library, WI etc so you can meet people.

Good luck

We moved back from our home in France to be near our son and his family and haven't regretted it. We had a tough time when we first arrived back in the UK year ago and worried that maybe we should have stayed put but after a couple of months realised we had made the right move. It's wonderful seeing my grandchildren once or twice a week, we are slowly finding new things to become involved in, new people to meet and get to know etc; my husband has even joined 2 ukulele bands and it has given him a new lease of life.
We are both in our early seventies, it is never too late to make a major change in your life..

We have recently addressed this situation and have moved from a rural area 3 hrs away from closest family to being little more than 20 minutes away. We chose a small village with shop and community with links to a small town 10 minutes away and then a major city 15 miles away with all the good links that creates.
We are mid 60s and early 70s so felt well enough and capable enough of making the choices ourselves. We have done it more to ensure we are not a problem to our children in later life. We have our own lives but will be near enough to them for reciprocal help if and when needed. We had to impose a move on an elderly relative when they left it too late to relocate/down size. It was not pleasant for anyone and it was a salutary lesson. They had lost certain faculties and were unable to make judgements or arrangements of their choice and was dreadfully sad for all concerned. It was very subtle, but age and health problems had created a certain lack of awareness of their situation and subtle hints were no longer enough.
If you want to be nearer your family for logistical and emotional reasons but want to maintain your own identities and lifestyle than you must do it whilst you are still up to making all those informed choices yourselves. Having others influence your choice is never totally satisfactory. Its not easy, moving nowadays is a messy complicated nerve wracking business but all I can say is that we are both waking up in our new home, so much more contented with our lives knowing deep down we have done the right thing. We have never been the sort of family that was in and out of each other's houses at the drop of a hat but all I have to do is make a phone call and coffee and cake is only 20 minutes away or we can all have a lovely walk together anytime. Its wonderful.

P.S. if you do not already have one....get a dog. Dog walking is the best way to meet new people in a new area. Dog walkers have the delightful habit of telling you all about their darlings....and then themselves.

We moved from an isolated rural village in Staffordshire to Hampshire two years ago to be nearer to family whilst still young enough to build a new network. For us it has been an extremely positive experience. People have been welcoming and it’s actually given us a new spring in our step!

Do your son and his family want you to move closer? They have managed so far without you, have you discussed how you will 'slot' into their lives? have they said that they be willing to look after you in old age? Many things to be considered.

Why not rent for a while, as is often suggested, to see how you all get on together in closer proximity. After all, it was your son who chose to live 600 miles away from you in the first place.

I moved from the north of England to the south east in my mid 60s to be closer to my 2 sons and their families. I rented for a year before deciding exactly where to live. I would definitely recommend doing this, as it gives time to look around before committing to a specific area. I have been here 6 years now and am happy I made the right decision.

All the above, renting, talking it over with son and family etc. You don't say how old the DGC are but just be aware that after around 12 years of age they do very much have their own lives and their parents are often at the top of their careers so make sure you have your own interests and hobbies. Good luck and possibly welcome to the mad South.

We have relocated three years ago at age 61 and 65 and are heartily glad we did.

It takes time to make new friends at our age, but it is possible and worth the effort.

It doesn't sound as if staying where you are would be a good thing health wise, or regarding public transport and whatever they politicians say about people needing to work longer as we live longer than previous generations, the day will come when it is inadvisable to drive,

We're doing this at the moment. We live in a small village with few amenities about an hour and a half from our daughter. We are moving to another village but it has a shop, post office, fish and chip shop and two pubs. There is a bus to the nearest city every 20 minutes. We will be about half an hour from our daughter. We are aged 66 and 62 - selling our period house was a challenge but we managed it. Doing all the paperwork was horrific and we said how glad we have bitten the bullet to do it now, while we are still mentally alert and fairly fit. I will be looking after our daughter's baby for part of the week. Moving near her is only part of our reasoning, it is also for nearness of amenities and also a change. My husband is into volunteering so he'll be ok and I'm into exercise and have made friends previously at various classes. We're feeling very positive. I'm also so happy to be exchanging a period property which is demanding in terms of housework and lots of garden, to a slightly smaller modern house with a small garden. It will be much easier to look after. Life is short, I would definitely go for it! By being part of the grandchildren's life while they are little, you can build a relationship with them.

The idea of renting first is a good one TenaciousB get a proper feel for the area. Have you talked to your family about the proposed move? You need to ensure neither party has unrealistic expectations.
Families can be really supportive but they can also move on and you wouldn't want to hold them back,. Grandchildren are a joy but they grow up quickly. Think carefully about your reasons, there needs to be more for you than just being near family, Good luck.

Greta8, your scenario sounds very similar to ours. Listed property with off grid drainage sold (phew!) Smaller very well appointed modern cottage style house in a small but very community centred village with good links to 'civilisation' but far enough away to still hear the birds and wander by the river with the dog.
All this 'Escape to the Country' business is lovely but once you have had a real health scare (thankfully resolved) you realise that you do need to take the rose tinted specs off. Oh and far less dust and housework....yay!

TenaciousB I too live at a distance, but not as great as yours, from my children and DGC.

I have so far decided to remain where I am as I am well served with services and friends. This is not where I have always lived but I came here about 20 years ago. I am a widow - widowed at 41. I am used to being on my own since the children left home. I used to see a friend almost daily until I found him dead some ten years ago. I may find physical things hard to manage but mentally I can manage without company so long as I have the dogs. I live simply because of coping with limited physical ability. This means I don't make elaborate meals but it's amazing how little we really need regarding food. I eat very simply and am very happy that way. My worst fear is dying and no one knowing to feed the dogs so I have an arrangement to phone someone at least every 2 days - usually daily.

I can see your dilemma about moving. It really is a very big decision. I did talk about it to my DD whom I thought was the least likely to move in the next 10 years and she said that she could not honestly guarantee that her husband's work would stay put. So firstly, check that your DC are going to stay where you might go to be near them!

You will need to look at budget. I have no idea of the price differential between your present home and possible future location but I am sure you have covered this.

I am well covered here for access to the hospital for example and although it is not perfect it is not a journey round country lanes. I am a country person and would live as a hermit in a remote cave (well... with some heating..) but having been in acute pain I know I don't want to have a long ambulance journey round twisting lanes. This could be a consideration for you. Think ahead to when you may not have your own car.

Friends matter but again I have made lovely friends in the relatively short time I have lived her. So much so that I do not want to leave as I like the people so much. You would undoubtedly make friends. But you do not want to stop contact with old friends, especially at our age. Have you talked to friends about this? Sometimes their views help.

My children, late 30s to late 40s, are all working Professionals with children in school. They have extraordinarily busy lives. Apart from work - and their husbands have to travel abroad too - they do a lot in their communities. I sometimes don't see much of them when I visit because they have meetings etc and their commitments are, imo a bit overwhelming. But it's the old adage - if you want a job done, ask a busy person! The DGC also take up a lot of their time in that they need collecting from school, one DD has children in 3 different schools as they are different ages and then there are school plays, parents' evenings, dealing with homework, games kit,- the list of organising the children is a full-time job in itself!

So - are your DC there to help you or are you going there to help them? When you are older will they be able to help you? Would you get on if they came into your day to day life to help you? With the best will in the world, and we love each other so much, my 3 DDs have grown up to reveal there is a generation gap to me, with different ways of doing things. They do not understand my life properly now I am disabled, possibly my fault for not communicating things well, but they do not appreciate the life of a disabled old woman living alone in pain. They can't understand the corners I am forced to cut because I can't mange to do things. The young can't take it in somehow. They find it hard to be objective about their Mum. I think they need us to be the strong dependable mum we always were. What I mean is, you need to look at your relationship with your children and see if it would work as you age and while they manage their families and careers. They are not the same people they were at 18, 25, or even 30+

As nannypiano says " so expecting to see more of family when living closer doesn't always work that way."

Regarding above - your relationship between the generations, I suspect you will get on fine because you sound able-bodied and have each other. I know a man who moved north to be near his son and that appears to work well despite the dad being somewhat demanding I noticed, when I was invited to visit, but as yet the dad is very fit and spritely.

I would try going down to the area for a good stay - hire a cottage if you can. Explore the area and get the feel of it. If you love it for its own sake then you will not be losing anything even if your children are so busy you don't see them as much as you hoped. It might be a wonderful move! I do think moving gives us a fillip. To move near the sea might feel like a holiday!

I have to say, if I could move to Scotland, and not just because of my life-long love of all of its beauty, but because of its politics too, then I would be tempted to go tomorrow nay today! However, the South of England can be warmer. I don't know where you are looking at but it is very pretty and in parts is stunningly beautiful. Property can be astronomically expensive e.g. Poole, and I have found some parts (my home ground - nameless) can be narrow-minded, snobbish about money, very right-wing and not afraid to make racist comments. That was my experience the last couple of times I ventured to a particular area in the countryside somewhere quite away beyond the south of London. I now live in the East Midlands which has beautiful countryside and wonderful people and I only encountered racism here when certain persons from the south used to visit.

I would try and get the best of both worlds - I like living just by the countryside near the city where I have easy access to both and can enjoy the glorious things my delightful little city has to offer! It brings me all the orchestras, the opera, indeed the music I love and I can park and ride on the tram using my disability scooter almost straight to my theatre seat!

Living south of London especially with the bad roads in the Home Counties, does not offer any of this. You have to get into London itself. Also every beautiful town has its run-down area too. There are very rich towns, especially in the South, with dire poverty right next to them in the poor area(s) and you may not know where these are until you do some research.

There are though, many places in the South of England that I would recommend as beautiful and friendly and I have friends who are involved in many musical and arts pursuits there. Before thinking of moving I would research everything about an area; from the Tourist Information to anything discussing issues about the area, cost of living, employment levels, crime figures, school records, hospital reports, medical provision, etc. I know employment and schools do not immediately concern us but the figures tell us a lot about the area.

I think GabriellaG54 makes good points and so nice and concisely!

Wishing you much good luck! Do let us know how you get on please!

Perhaps try renting in the area first to see what it's like. Have you ever lived in southern England before?

Is your son definitely settled where he currently lives? It would be a pity to move there and he then moves somewhere else for his work!!

What does your son think? I suppose you could discuss it with him. I think a move could be very successful provided you make new friends and don't rely on your son and his family for companionship.

There's no right or wrong answer. Good luck.

We were in the same position as you, we lived in a beautiful small village in East Yorkshire, opposite a small church surrounded by fields and good neighbours. We could leave our door open and still feel safe.
My husband has a chronic illness and our family lived some distance away in West Yorkshire, the East Midlands and Kent. Last year we moved to the East Midlands to make things easier, in doing so my daughter and grandchildren moved from Kent and my mum moved from West Yorkshire, my sister was already in the East Midlands, we are now all within a short distance of each other.
I won’t pretend that it’s been easy, it hasn’t and I miss my small Yorkshire village like crazy but we visit and speak to old friends regularly. After a year of living here I still don’t feel like this is home, hopefully that will come with time but we have the support that only our family could give.
I might have missed this but what has your son said about your idea of moving to be closer to him?
Whatever you do I hope all goes well

Some good advice. If your son and partner have suggested you move closer could you spend some time kin the area.. Possibly renting something or in a B and B to give you an opportunity to look around and see what is available and areas that would suit you and you interests. Would there be a chance that your son could move away and how would you feel. You would benefit from increased contact with family and grandchildren and warmer climate.

We too are in a similar position. We are both in out late seventies, reasonably fit, but both with cancer problems - ‘which are treatable - for the time being anyway.

Our DS & DIL are very keen for us to move near them, only a 2 hour drive away, but we are finding the actual moving process a nightmare. My DH suffers from depression & gets extremely anxious about everything, the slightest little hiccup upsets him so much that I am beginning to wonder if it is all worth it, as I have to shoulder everything.

We have found a new house, & are in discussions with the builders, but can’t agree a price. They keep moving the goalposts which is very distressing as we don’t know where we are. I expect they think we are 2 old daft people! Which we probably are!

Perhaps we have left it too late to move now, it’s something we should have done 10 years ago, but then the family weren’t settled themselves. It’s such a conundrum.

If you have read this, thank you. I just felt I needed to put my feelings in writing to try & sort things out in my head .

Barlysugar, Feel for you and fully understand. My DH carried me through this recent move as I'm the one with the anxiety problems. Every time the phone rang or he opened his e-mail page I'd go into a panic attack suspecting the worst at all times. I know he found it tedious but was always kind and supportive. He's not always understood how I could 'flip' so easily, but thankfully he has been very sweet all this time.
My only advise would be to try and keep everything simple as possible. We bought a new build but from a small development of 10 through a very highly respected Estate Agents and we sold through a similar very good EA. It was our way of making sure there were as few hitches as possible. I am not sure I'd be negotiating with someone who keeps 'moving the goal posts'....my nerves would not stand too many variables. You are a buyer and its a buyers market - you should be able to make the running. I do hope things settle down for you, its such a trial and you do need support, hope you get it.

Dear Barleysugar. (I love your name!)
Yes I did read your message -easily! Far easier to read than my awful ramblings!

I had to say how much I feel for you and your husband. Moving and buying a house is agonising. But mainly I know all too well what living with anxiety and depression is like. I was plunged into both after the death of the friend I mentioned above. I am not afraid of taking anti-anxiety medication. I found it the only thing that really made a difference and helped me feel and think like my old self. I had PTSD.

I admire you for thinking of moving. I thought of it a lot and had a plan for it. However I have learned a great deal during the work I was doing preparing to move and finding the right area. I have temporarily decided to put it on hold. The reason? I was messed around, in fact defrauded by a builder. It threw me off-balance and made me lose confidence.

Is there any chance you can find a different place to move to? I would like to see you released of the burden of this builder. A person who messes you about and "moves goalposts" sets alarm bells ringing for me. I would see if you can find out more about him at least. I let myself be strung along for over a year. It is a long story but I learned to walk away. Now I won't have any dealings with anyone the moment I am not happy about them. I would rather walk away from the house I am buying than later on find that I have been defrauded and something terrible has happened.

Now, please listen! You are NOT "two old daft people"! It is so easy to be made to feel like this! I have had it happen to me. The evil builder I had was like that but it was he who was stupid, not I. He was in fact very dishonest, a fraudster and thief, a criminal.

If you need time to think about something, you are the Customer, you tell them you need time. If they say you haven't got time you must do it now you walk away telling them in that case you will leave it. only your Solicitor will tell you when there is an actual deadline once the Contracts have been exchanged and you are no where near that yet from what you have said. You have not even agreed a price.

You are in control here. If they want to sell the house then they will get the market rate from you. Once you have agreed to the price you remain unequivocal. Do not be bullied. Tell them flatly that all the fiddling around around and changing about is putting you off. They need to agree a sensible price - make them an offer (below what you are prepared to pay). They come back with higher offer of too much. You say no, and offer another amount below your final offer. They probably refuse and make another offer. You offer your final offer and say it is final and that is it, and the offer is for the house with all the finishing you have agreed. For example if they are supposed to lay the floor surfaces, and make the garden level and grass it, they do not decide not to do at the last moment. Have all these details written down. If your offer under these circumstances is refused, walk away. Make sure your offer is the market rate so they can't call you any silly names.

I would really start looking for another house if that is at all possible. If the builder gets a sniff that you are looking elsewhere he might become more sensible. But I do not like the sound of him. He bothers me.

Above anything else, if you go ahead with this builder, make sure your Solicitor looks into every aspect of the builder's dealings with you and checks that everything is right. Don't be shy to question your Solicitor and tell him you are not happy with the Builder's ways.

I do hope you find somewhere that will make you both relaxed and happy, Barleysugar! Wishing you both a very happy future, Elle

I moved on my own to be near both daughters nearly 3 years ago. I don’t regret it. I am a big part of their lives and see them and the grandchildren all the time. It did take a bit of time to make new friends . I work 1.5 days a week and do some volunteering. I do miss my previous area 150 miles away but I drive back regularly to see friends and my best friend drives to see me. It’s different but this is home now. I moved from South Wales (lived there all my life) to the SE

By the way my family encouraged me to move fr the point of view I found help them and when I was older they could help me