I feel like I don't want to be friends with my lifelong friend anymore

I am so happy I joined this forum. You all rock!

I ended an almost 10 year friendship last year. I just could no longer bear the put downs veiled as jokes or 'I didn't mean it like that ', the casual racism or the fact I was dropped every time a new guy showed up.
If you feel like your friendship has ended it probably has. Don't sweat it. ?

I sadly let go of a friend after 40 years as basically she just drained me and I just refused to allow her to do that to me anymore. I tried to talk to her 1st but couldn’t get thro her self obsession. However sad it is, at times you just have to let people go. Friendships like any relationships, should always be a 2way thing, not all about what one person wants.

I feel ambivalent........whilst I, too have friends I have grown apart from I also feel that life is about compromise and I see this kind of friendship as an opportunity to renegotiate and be flexible. I am not comfortable with ending friendships, personally I would see that as a some kind of failing on my part.

I think I would just keep in touch by letters/e-mails and telephone calls. Do you ever visit her in her home?

This is hard to face - but I agree with others who are suggesting you talk to her, if the friendship has meaning for you and you would like to get it back on a happier footing. You could try saying something like this: "When you.......(say things like.......) I feel .......(whatever you feel...) I would like......(whatever you want from her) What do you think?"
This is about being assertive instead of passive or aggressive; in my experience it really helps. I hope things work out well for you both.

I ended an almost 10 year friendship last year. I just could no longer bear the put downs veiled as jokes or 'I didn't mean it like that ', the casual racism or the fact I was dropped every time a new guy showed up.

Wow. That sounds familiar. Mutual ex friend maybe?

Last year I laid down my boundaries to someone just like that. I messaged them and said that I would be happy to meet to catch up, but only if they were actually going to be happy to see me and not treat me like a chore after they instigated the meet up. I said that I was getting mixed signals, they kept contacting me re meet ups, but once we met up (if they turned up) they acted like they did not enjoy my company. I also told them that I would not be taking time off or travelling to them but they were welcome to come to me, as I have been ditched for better offers too many times and my time and money isnt worthless.

They were not interested in continuing our friendship on those terms.

The nature of our friendships may change but our shared memories and experiences are precious and friends stay as part of our lives for ever. Drifting apart is common but in my experience inexplicable parting of the ways is hard to bear and deserves an honest explanation. Your friend in question may have no idea that her behaviour annoys you, and I can only suggest that you put her right; gently, as a friend. But we are all different, so this might not work .....!

This is a very difficult one and something that has been on my mind for a while.

Similar situation friends since we met in school, godmother to my son. Can be one of the kindest, caring, generous person you could wish to meet. She will do anything for you. She was a wonderful support to me when my husband died. She had been through it a couple of years before when her husband died very suddenly. She not only lost her husband but all the social life that went with the position he had. She is extremely well off (but that shouldn't matter.)

Over the past couple of years she has gone very self opinionated, she is always right and also she can be hurtfully, pass remarkable.

When there are just the two of us she is normally fine. When we go out with a couple of other friends it can be a nightmare. She seems to contradict me, tries to say that i am always interrupting her. We are not at ease when we are out as we afraid to mention certain topics and talk freely. A couple of times recently she has been really horrible to me and upset me. She also tries to belittle me on occasion. She rings up a day or so later and apologies for what she said and she will say I 'm sorry I upset you. I really wasn't nice was I? Foolishly, I have kind of said well I'm used to it aren't I?

It hurts and I have sat thinking why do I put up with it? Then I think do I throw all these years of friendship away. Do I need it?

One of the friends is getting that she doesn't want to come out with us because of the way she treats me. She says I have a job to keep my mouth shut and it hurts me to see you being treated the way she does.

I am sorry it doesn't help Ionia's situation apart from the fact that she is not the only one with this problem. The answers in this post are really giving me food for thought.

Thank you

I have been friends with someone I met at work more than 20 years ago and we have met at each other's homes once a fortnight but not meeting elsewhere for any other social activities

However on 2nd April I broke my right wrist and had to have an operation- she did phone to ask how I was a couple of days later but apart from phoning 3 weeks ago to thank me for her husband'sbirthday card she has not contacted me at all.
I did eventually phone her yesterday to say I was feeling better and she was full of apologies saying she had kept meaning to phone but time had flown by but she had been thinking of me!!!

I do feel very hurt but have arranged to see her this week but intend to suggest we do not meet as regularly in future as I no longer feel the same about our so called friendship.

I appreciate she does not always feel well as she is 88 but it only takes a few seconds to pick up the phone

She maybe your oldest friend but she isn't your dearest. If you can't put up with her for such a short time once or twice a year then it is time to let it be.
One of my bestfriends was having an affair for years and always said when her sons get older she would leave her husband. They got older she had no desire to leave her husband so he could be free and I got tired of listening to the sordid details. Ironic to think she's now friends with an ex of mine who treated me very bad. Its
funny how she would constsntly give me advice although I never asked for it. Two bad eggs!! Do we really ever know people? And do some people care only about themselves and their own opinions?
If you can't confront your friend to give her chance to at least realise her behaviour is demeaning to you - then it's the end.

Unlike some posters I wouldn't describe these as put-downs. She is probably genuinely trying to advise. If the OP wants to tell the friend what she's getting wrong I'd explain it as "unasked for advice making me feel inadequate". If she can understand this, you might be able to save your friendship. Babies and bathwater comes to mind.

You could write it in a letter and then wait to see how she's going to handle it.

I think sometimes, sad though it is, you just have to cut someone like this out of your life altogether.

Like you my friend used to come and stay once or twice a year. Frequently during the visit she would give copious pieces of advice about me, my house, my garden etc.

The parting of the ways came when, after she had visited my elder daughter's house, she wrote her a letter informing her she was not looking after her tortoise properly and threatening her with RSPCA intervention. Not true of course. It was a long very detailed letter in which she admitted that the advice would probably sound the end of her friendship with me. Too right.

Finally I wrote her a letter letting her know how sick I had been of her bossy interfering. Made me feel a lot better.

I am much more careful who I let into my life now.

Ionia, I don’t think you need a friend like this; she seems rather obnoxious. Life is so short, spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself!

Next time she comments on stains or your parking, tell her to mind her own b. business.

You have known each other since you were children, so presumably she can accept being put in her place by you, or was she always like this?

If so, dump her. Tell her next time she proposes coming for a visit that it isn't suitable and don't ring back to suggest she comes.

Ionia. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is horrible when someone nit picks and puts you down. Some people do it habitually. I think it makes them feel clever or superior. A true friend is never this callous. I expect she has to know everything and have the last word too. I have a friend like that but see her very seldom so I just mentally hum a tune and smile while I think "Whatever makes you feel important..."

I do not think you should feel at all guilty for not wanting to see her and being glad when she is gone.

People change as they become adults. We cannot always see what they will be like when we become friends as children.

I do not think you deserve to go through this kind of insensitive and hurtful criticism. She sounds very unpleasant to me! I would be in great distress having someone keep criticising me like that!

I think you can quite comfortably and with no guilt feelings at all let her go. It may be easier just not to be available for her visits. If she pushes very hard maybe suggest because of your very busy life that you could meet for coffee in a place between your homes but too far from yours for her to force entry!

Good luck and do stick up for yourself! People must respect you, not criticise you! A true friend supports you and does not come to judge you and see your carpet - unless you are showing it to her for a special reason!

Maybe you could learn some "boundaries" and how to keep them. I had to learn about this to stop a bully (in fact more than one) from spoiling my life. Or maybe do an assertiveness course. It might make you feel more confident and hence happier even if you never see her again. It might help you say "Things like new carpets are just for show. I live for more important things, like genuine caring friendships."

Whatever you do, please let her go!

Wishing you lots of luck and with very best wishes, Elle x

Glammy57 Yes!

Niucla97 Oh you poor girl! I suspect Iona won't mind you talking about your similar situation.

Obviously I can't tell, but it crossed my mind that this "friend" might have been nagging and rude to her husband. Some people have to have a person they use like a punchbag to vent all their nasty feelings on. I just wondered if she used to do it to him, being closed doors, but now has picked on you? It was just a thought.

It's irrelevant anyway why she picked on you, but what matters here is you.

I'm afraid you do have to keep away from her in my humble opinion. As Glammy57 above said so well, life is too short to be made unhappy by unkind people. Mix with good people. You don't need such a punishing unfair person in your life.

With best wishes, Elle x

What wonderful and varied responses to the OP - really made me think of those in my life, past and present. And more to the point, about how good a friend I am to those in my life. Thanks for the opportune reminder for my personal 'taking stock'.

I am also reminded of the saying that a friend is for a reason, a season ... or a lifetime.

... and my random music selector just put on Queen's 'Friends will be Friends'

If you have been friends since childhood and want to keep the contact, then I too would try to respond to any hurtful remarks as they occur, in a friendly way. She may have no idea that she comes across as so bossy.
If you want to let the friendship peter out, then just be busy sometimes when she wants to meet. I would not write a letter. I find that written words, whether on paper or by text/ email, can be misconstrued as the receiver doesn't hear your tone.

Sometimes a friendship has run its course. A 20 year friendship came to an end, which I was sad about, but realised we had both changed so much but hadn't noticed until she returned home to live nearer her family.

I've been asked to join her for coffee, but I don't think we can start again. We should just be happy that we had a wonderful time, but those times can't be recreated.

Your friendship sounds as if it's gone stale too, but maybe worth just not meeting up.

If you would like to keep in touch, perhaps it would be better not to allow meetings at your house. Meet somewhere neutral and time-limited, eg for lunch or for coffee, so she doesn't see your home or your parking (!), and keep the visits short and sweet. Ask her about her life and she won't have time to criticise yours. But, if she still makes comments you don't like, you can't rescue the situation, so make sure you're not available for a while and she'll soon understand.

I certainly wouldn't want to be told there were stains on my carpet - I would probably be all too aware anyway, and who's to say I mightn't have tried to get them out?

It's bad manners and there's no excuse for it. Reminds me of being 14 with a spot on my face, and someone saying, 'Ooh, you've got a spot!' - as if I didn't know!

People who feel themselves to be superior and 'kindly' dish out unsolicited advice to those who don't want it and didn't ask for it, are right royal pains in the arse.

I would just ditch her, OP, quietly and without saying why, unless she asked - in which case I'd certainly tell her.