Self centredness

My sister, my mother and I watched as our Dad's horizons shrank (he died in 2008). It may well have also been due to his sight and hearing going and not being able to follow conversations, feeling more and more cut off, but being a man, refusing to recognise or admit this. His world consisted entirely of himself and his demands on our mother, who was nearly 90 herself and had given up ten years of her life coping with him.

We are so lucky that our mother is still aware of the needs and lives of others, and showing no sign of self-centredness.

She still always asks her cleaning lady about her daughters, even chatted to the plumber about how he ran his business, and always asks me about my DC and DGC, and is so grateful to my sister who leads a busy life, but does all Mum's washing, house maintenance and finances, organises care and doctor's appointments etc.

Even though she can't see or hear as well as she admits, her mind is still open to things around her. She can't follow the news, but her horizons are still far wider than 6" from her armchair.

With our dad, I also suspect that he was in pain, which does make you more self-centred.

I will also risk a speculation that it is more a Man Thing.

Once you have done all you can to relieve pain, and seen to it that sight and hearing are as good as they can be, there is not much you can do once those horizons have closed in, and they will no longer react to any conversation about other people's problems or happy events.

sodapop Most people I know are like that and not just old people. I have had conversations with several people lately and always ask how they, their husband, children, grandchildren etc are. There are not many who are interested in me and mine. Recently I went for lunch with a friend and we were out for a couple of hours and I decided to wait for her to ask about me and mine. She didn't, despite the fact that my DH has cancer.

Perhaps it depends on what you consider to be self centred. I’ve recently looked for counselling support having lost my husband after caring four him for two years and then getting cancer. Advice has been that after years of putting others first with husband and family (and still doing with them) it’s time to put myself as number 1.

This is a NATURAL part of the ageing process I'm afraid. Not selfISH but self CENTRED.

Really elderly people just don't see everything that others are doing to help them. It's a bit like their world has just shrunk to them, and maybe their home or even their room.

Once as a carer you understand and accept this, it becomes easier. Either you become a slave or you BALANCE his needs with your needs, to go out, go swimming, etc. etc.

Especially difficult when there is a big age gap!

Anyone struggling with this problem should join the Carers UK forum and see how others are managing.

Is it what is meant by people becoming like a child again in old age? - Two year olds are unable to see the world through anyone else's eyes.

Personally I've found that I'm simply less tolerant of other people as I've got older. I'd rather spend time on my own than go to some boring social event with people with whom I have little in common, but I can prattle to real friends for hours.

Yes I know how you feel KatyK I always ask about families, health etc and generally be interested in the lives of friends. Maybe my life and family are so boring nobody is interested
Hope you and yours are all ok by the way.

Yours too sodapop

I agree with MOnica. This is certainly true of my mum. Now in her mid-90s and with dementia, her world has "shrunk" and I think she's become like a bewildered, frightened toddler. (Except that sadly she can only deteriorate, whereas a toddler should grow and develop.) Despite living in an excellent care home, my mum can no longer make much sense of the world beyond herself. This was going on for some time before she lived in the care home. I do appreciate that not all elderly people are like this - it seems to me that people who can stay engaged with and interested in other people, are the folk who are the least "self-interested ".

Has i have got older i still put others before myself , although I'm getting bit sick of having it thrown back in my face . My in laws ageing , so for fathers days i thought it would be nice for my father in law to have all his kids in one place . I spent a lot of money and a lot of time getting things organise . When asking my father in law he enjoying his day , he said some of it . Then my husband sister brings my husband a bottle whisky and not even a £1.50 pot plant for me .Yet they ate like pigs and had me running around all day after them . Not that I wanted them to be grateful and bring gifts but i wouldn't buy one with out the other . To top it all the in laws have decided there not doing Christmas this year . Although they still want to come on boxing day and eat our christmas food . Also making our day awkward because we give out present to people we don't see on Christmas day . So are they just going to sit there while we do presents because there not buying . I don't think that selfish people understand how there behaviour effects others but then they wouldn't because they are selfish . I really hate selfish people , what they need to remember , what goes around comes around.

I think a lot of people do become self-centred as they age.

My mother did, which surprised us all, as she never had been before. I am keeping a very close eye on myself, because I do not find being self-centred attractive!

I agree it probably happens easily, if you are not able to get out and about, but I think a contributing factor is that once we retire we are not daily in contact with other people who may not share our opinions. You get used to only having to consider yourself and DH and not having anyone likely to contradict you or express a different opinion isn't good for one.

I find Gransnet useful in the fight against self-centreness, as many of you express different points of view. Then too many of you are dealing with difficulties that haven't come my way yet, so I realise I have really no excuse for being only concerned with myself.

I don't know if we can prevent others from being self-centred except perhaps by making sure that they still have many interests and people to talk to if that it at all possible.

Gonegirl. You said what I was thinking! I think in my situation - live alone and am in pain, the pain forces me to be aware of myself. However, I make an effort to keep my attention outwards, I read a lot, follow the News, watch TV, keep on trying to do the things I can manage and of course joining in with the topics here on GNet.

Very well said Monica. The world seems to be moving so fast, it's no wonder older people can't keep up. Loneliness I'm sure is probably one of the biggest reasons why the older generation become self absorbed. Humans are not meant to be isolated, but no one has time or true interest in old people. They have no conversation, but their past. They don't do much, so have nothing very interesting to talk about anymore. Youngsters don't like boring, so don't visit often enough. At the end of the day, if they don't give all thought to themselves, who else is going to truly bother. Survival must get harder the older you get, so needs full self attention.
I watched my grand mother slowly deteriorate, after looking after her for the eight years before she died at ninety four. I had to spoon feed her for quite a while before she died. So it seems that another reason why old folk seem selfish is because they go back to childhood ways, and most children are selfish until they are taught better behaviour.

Well said Monica

My mother is a narcissist and I think has probably been selfish since the day she was born! Her lack of interest or thought for other people (including her family) is often breathtaking, yet she expects us to look after her. Having said that I worked for Age UK for 4 years and met some wonderful older people who did not come across as at all selfish. I think people can be selfish regardless of age.

Not necessarily. I know, and know of, several people in their 90s who are vitally interested in the world, the people around them, are artists and thinkers. Some are single, some widowed but they are an absolute inspiration for me still a relative spring chicken just pushing 70.

Very true MOnica, and eloquently put

I am not allowed to be selfish or self-centred.
I have a particularly self centred daughter who is fairly demanding, ie, constant baby sitting and running around after her.
So, no, not a chance.

I remember being at some sort of gathering with the parents of my teenage daughter's friends (so us mothers were in our forties). The subject turned to our own mothers who were in their 70's and every single one of us noted that our mothers personalities were changing, and not for the good. I have often thought of that and nearing 70 now myself, am trying very hard to remain open and caring.

Yes...of course you get more selfish....what a question...surely as individuals it’s our time to be self centred....if not when we weve done with husbands ..childcare ...grandchildren care, and all that goes with it!! I know I am , not to the point of being nasty...but I have finially learnt how to say ‘ no it doesn’t suit my plans’

Maybe we just get better at saying ‘no’ to things we don’t want to do and worry less about what people will think of us because of it.

There are so many years when caring for others makes it difficult to put yourself first. Having said that, there are plenty who would say that the younger generations are the ‘me, me, me’ ones.

Or is it a case of spending all your life trying to please other people and you eventually realise it is time to do what you want!? lol!!!

My children have their own lives...never contact me. I go see daughters and grand children every 2 or 3 weeks. I will see son on the morrow at his wedding. Second time in a year....hahaha. I often feel like doing something totally for me and taking off in my boat and cruising the waterways....without telling them....hahaha So...am I becoming self centred...yes....bring it on.

I dont think absolutely everyone becomes more self-centered as they get older, but it does seem to be very common. Limited mobility, poor hearing and isolation tend to make people turn in on themselves, as does illness. My neighbour, who is 92, has avoided it. When her husband was ill ten years ago she actively went out and asked for help, and gathered about five or six of us around her. She would then invite us for a thank you tea every couple of months. Now she is the one needing help the 'support team' are already in place and even better we all know each other very well. There is always someone popping in and out to keep her company or do a few chores and we still have our thank you teas, although organised by us rather than her. She remains completely engaged in all of our lives and is an absolute delight.

Yes I have, but not selfish. I was widowed at 60 and diagnosed with incurable illness the same year. I have 3 children all grown and flown, so I was family centred for many years. I am very independent, my theory, if I don’t have expectations I don’t get disappointed.
What does amaze me is since being diagnosed is people telling me to “get selfish” or this is “your time now, put yourself first” and when you put it into practice they are visibly shaken, and offended.