DIL here, can I get some help understanding why there’s such an expectation of “alone time?”

I agree with calling the police to give them all the details you have.

So sorry you are in this position and thank you for making this a safer world

I am only posting about the drink driving. Please, please find a way to report them OP.

They could cause a crash and kill someone. They could kill my 16 month old baby. Or they could kill me, and leave him motherless.

Smileless2012

Give the police what information you can. Make and model of the car, registration number, their address and the address of 'grandpa's house' and leave it up to them.

Better to try than do nothing.

Please do as Smileless says.

Drink diving is always fine - until suddenly it isn't and someone is injured or dead.

Please think hard about this and about making an anonymous report.

Give the police what information you can. Make and model of the car, registration number, their address and the address of 'grandpa's house' and leave it up to them.

Better to try than do nothing.

Welbeck (and everyone else regarding this topic,) I have thought about this often. Another problem, though, is that I don't know precisely when they leave doing this, I just know that they do it regularly. They go up to my partner's grandpa's house every weekend on Saturday, get wasted, and at some point in the evening they drive home. We don't go up there every weekend, and always leave before they do, so I would have no idea when they would be leaving grandpa's house and doing this- I just know that by the time we have left at 2 or 3 pm on any given weekend, they are already way too drunk to drive, yet they still end up back at their house 40 minutes away at some point in the evening. I am not sure how I could even go about that when I wouldn't really have any idea of when they would actually be on the road driving, but I know for a fact that they DO.

EURGH!!! Cigarette smoke - and I'm an ex smoker!
Definitely stand by your rules, this is your baby not some dolly for her to play with!
I have 5 grandchildren and never would have expected any of them to stay over with me when they were really young. Babysit yes, of course, either at mine or at theirs but preferably theirs as that's where everything is that may be needed for them!
If she's to shower and change at yours, if she agrees to this, then keep some of her clothes at yours so that they may be washed at yours so as not to stink of the smoke!
I'd never assume to have a nursery at mine, not that I have the room. Lol. And I've never heard of grandparents showers, is that an American thing? Good heavens, next she'll be telling you how to dress your baby....oh god, I hope she's not working in the labour suite/newborn ward where you'll have baby!!!
Congratulations to you, your fiance and other child.
Absolutely stand your ground!!

tellmey

welbeck- (and everyone else who has mentioned this,) yes, it is absolutely a civic concern to me that they are drunk driving every weekend. Unfortunately, if I was the person who made that report to the police and that was discovered, I'm not sure that my fiance would ever forgive me, nor would his parents of course who are the ones drunk driving. It disturbs me greatly, but I'm not sure how I could prevent that from happening without totally destroying any hopes of his family liking me and possibly of him liking me as well.

He feels an enormous amount of responsibility towards his mother and her emotional reactions to things, which I know is not right or healthy, but he gets extremely defensive and upset when I try to bring this up. I have mentioned the drunk driving to him before and he just brushes it off with "They've been doing that for x amount of time and it's been fine, just mind your business" etc.

Being hated by them would be a small price to pay to get them off the road.

I'd rather be hated and single than have to live with the guilt that they drove drunk and killed someone, and I could've stopped it.

Tellmey, you seem to be trying to keep afloat in a moral quagmire.
to take just one aspect, the one that potentially affects most people, the drink driving.
you sound like a reasonable, decent sort of person.
but you have gone astray through your partner's family.
you talk of how could they forgive you...
think. if say your neighbour's child was paralysed by in-laws' drunk driving, and it came out in the prosecution that you knew that they habitually did this, yet you said nothing.
how would you feel. would your neighbours forgive you;
or wouldn't that matter, being only neighbours and not related.
think. you have gone astray.
and i'm sure you could give a report anonymously.
and it could be the in-laws themselves who are injured or worse.
then how would you feel.

Smiles

You make an excellent point, and I agree.

If they're drinking and driving they absolutely SHOULD NOT be left to carry on doing so. There's more than the safety of the OP's children to consider here, there's the safety of every other road user.

If they're drinking and driving, they absolutely SHOULD NOT be left alone with your children. Ever.

They've demonstrated through their actions that they have no concept of safety. You don't allow people who do that to be responsible for children.

I may be able to understand "alone time" as actual care -giving as opposed to visits and outings with the baby and mother.

I donlt know if the baby's grandmother is correct in her idea, bu I have a feeling she might be on to something. It is perhaps during care-giving(changing, feeding and so on) that a relationship most fully develops.

However as others have commented the situation will not arise as the grandparent can't provide the baby with safety.

I don't know how anyone could live with their conscience, knowing that people are drunk driving.
Upset? Yes, they could cause terrible upset to an unwitting victim of their selfish behaviour should they cause an accident.
Disgusting.

I'm sure if you reported this to the police and requested that your details were kept confidential, that would be the case tellmewhy.

They would have to be stopped by the police while driving and fail both a breathalyzer and blood test. There'd be no way of knowing that the police had been previously alerted.

@VioletSky congratulations on quitting smoking! I know how hard that can be. In all honesty, while it's obviously not preferable for her health, if his parents just smoked outside it would be much much less of an issue for me. It's the fact that they do it in their house that makes it such an awkward and sensitive topic, as I don't personally feel comfortable in their house having sensitive lungs myself and am always making excuses for why I've dropped my older daughter off at my own parents' house before we've gone to their house as I just don't feel comfortable at all with the idea of having my kids in a house that people have smoked inside of. Now that I am pregnant and have the health of the baby to consider as well as my own, I myself haven't been in their house in months either and won't be going in there anytime in the foreseeable future. My fiance is so sensitive to his mother's emotions and is just not really seeming to be able to handle the idea of telling his parents WHY my daughter never comes there, WHY I no longer come inside, and why the baby won't be coming there either.... I feel like as a nurse though, she should already know but is perhaps clouded by her addiction.

welbeck- (and everyone else who has mentioned this,) yes, it is absolutely a civic concern to me that they are drunk driving every weekend. Unfortunately, if I was the person who made that report to the police and that was discovered, I'm not sure that my fiance would ever forgive me, nor would his parents of course who are the ones drunk driving. It disturbs me greatly, but I'm not sure how I could prevent that from happening without totally destroying any hopes of his family liking me and possibly of him liking me as well.

He feels an enormous amount of responsibility towards his mother and her emotional reactions to things, which I know is not right or healthy, but he gets extremely defensive and upset when I try to bring this up. I have mentioned the drunk driving to him before and he just brushes it off with "They've been doing that for x amount of time and it's been fine, just mind your business" etc.

Norah Nice one!

Good suggestion*Norah*.

Perhaps begin with the notion that she showers, changes (no smoke), hasn't been drinking, meets baby in your home, with you and OH present, after the baby is a week old?

She's not just "an alcoholic who stinks of cigarettes" the OP has made several posts in which she speaks fondly of her future m.i.l..

Presumably if she saw her as you do AmberSpyglass she wouldn't have taken the time to start this thread and be finding ways of managing the situation. The OP has said, she doesn't want her to be "uninvolved".

AmberSpyglass

I mean… an alcoholic who stinks of cigarettes? Not exactly a loss to her gc

I wouldn’t go that far.

I mean… an alcoholic who stinks of cigarettes? Not exactly a loss to her gc

AmberSpyglass

That’s the thing, family ties only matter to a certain extent. If someone isn’t willing - and honestly, it sounds like she might not be - to put the baby first… well, it’s a shame but it’s also the best option.

She’d certainly be cutting her nose off to spite her face!

It does sound as if the OP does want her future m.i.l. to be a part of the child's life all be it on her (the OP's) terms which is perfectly reasonable.

If the main stumbling block is 'alone time' it isn't insurmountable.

That’s the thing, family ties only matter to a certain extent. If someone isn’t willing - and honestly, it sounds like she might not be - to put the baby first… well, it’s a shame but it’s also the best option.