Grieving .

I am finding it really hard at the moment. I agree that going out and meeting with friends does help and the various simple things I did with them, coffee, cinema, quiz night helped to give some structure to my life. Now that's all gone and I find I am bursting into tears at various unexpected times/
In addition it is coming up to the first anniversary of his death soon. Easter is earlier this year, but he was actually in a hospice over Easter last year and died on the 24th. My immediate family all live abroad. I had a month long visit to my daughter in New Zealand planned so I could spend my 70th birthday, DGDs birthday with them and be there on the 24th as she didn't want me to be on my own. That of course was cancelled.

It`s 3 and a half years now since my husband died. We`d been married for just over 53 years. He was in hospital, and we were told that they couldn`t do anything else to make him better, he lived for another 2 weeks after that. Altogether he was in hospital for 4 weeks, then they found him a place in a hospice. We thought that he would have a little time to enjoy being there, rather than in hospital, which he hated, but he died just 24 hours after arriving there. I was there, as were all our children but one, plus one of his brothers, 10 of us altogether, just waiting. We didn`t want to lose him, of course we didn`t, but it was so painful to see him struggle for every breath. He wasn`t conscious, but the nurse said keep talking, hearing is the last thing to go, but it was so hard.
I know it`s been a while now, but things keep happening that make me want to cry, although I try not to in front of anyone. It doesn`t help when a letter arrive addressed to him, as did this morning, from people who should know better, i.e. the bank.
So Polnan, just take things as they come, cry if you need to, ignore your (well meaning?) friends, what do they know?

The Bodach died at the turn of the year, and I can relate to annsixty talking about being grateful in the first weeks that an illness is over, in his case Alzheimer’s and malignant melanoma. Strangely enough, I am quite glad about the lockdown, as I am vulnerable, and it gives me the reason to tell the family to stay away, as they were sort of killing me with kindness, when all I wanted at times was to be alone with my thoughts and my tears, but they kept trying to take me out or keep me company. I’m just going to take time to grieve, however long it takes.
Thoughts are with anybody struggling, for whatever reason.