What best to say to or do for a new widow?

Jillybird. Don't feel bad about crying with your friend. You crying with her would have helped her.

I think she may need her son more than she realised at the moment.
When someone reaches an advanced age, there is a strange expectation that they will live forever and you can't imagine a time when they won't be there.
As your neighbour said, she expected that everything round the house would look different, but it doesn't. For a while you are in a little bubble and it's as if someone else is making all of the arrangements and not you!
You don't necessarily need to say much at all really. Just be like a sounding board for her , invite her round for coffee or just pop round and let her talk. Don't be offended at the moment if she refuses your invitation or turns you away. Just let her know that you are there next door if she needs to get away from the house. Unless you are a close friend of hers, leave it at that. She may turn up on your doorstep every day or you might not see her for the next few months, it will just be how she is grieving.

We can’t hug at the moment, but in any case I would only hug friends, not neighbours, ( unless you have a really good relationship with them.) Some people really don’t want to be hugged either.The same with taking plates of food round, it can be unwanted.It all depends if their own families are much in evidence as well, and helping with the practical things.
In my view it’s better to invite for coffee, make a cake etc much later on and to keep in contact, ask if they would like to go shopping etc.

When my sister's DH died she informed me by text as it was midnight and she was sitting in a taxi on her way home from the hospital, I replied expressing our sorrow.
The next morning I rang my sister to say everything that could not be put in a text and she cut me short saying she was way too busy to talk.
I think you just say and do what you think is right at the time, there is no right or wrong when it comes to talking to the grieving.

lovebooks, someone said to me a few months after, ‘You’re young you could find someone else’.

I agree with others Jillybird who said it’s okay to cry. I know I found it a comfort. I also noticed that some people seem to be waiting for me to mention the Bodach before they do, possibly for fear they ‘ upset me’, but again, everybody’s different.
I know I am finding it very difficult to try to adjust to life on my own, as everyday life has not returned to ‘normal’, and it’s easy to make Covid the excuse not to try adjust to doing things on my own, as that might mean I’ll have to face up to it, if that makes sense. That’ll be the denial phase of grief, I imagine.I would suggest that your friend will take her own time, and you sound as if you’re doing a good job of taking things at her pace by asking for comments here.

When my husband died suddenly at 51 of a heart attack I remember a whole heap of lasagnes coming from neighbours which we ate gratefully as there was no energy for cooking. We went through a lot of tea coffee biscuits and milk. Some people say the conventional things and it sounds more heartfelt and comforting than you think. Other people told me insensitive stories about heart attack victims being saved by paramedics or surgery. I wanted to shake them.
One close friend drove me to the hospital to collect the certificate and to the registrar to register his death. All of these things have to be done straightaway and I couldn’t concentrate enough to drive myself. Pay for multiple copies of the death certificate as everyone wants proof and only the original will do and you have to send so many away simultaneously.
People’s expectations are that you will “get over it” or bounce back or somehow be your old self but just like having children changes you, losing your partner is not like anything else “ it is what it is! “ nothing is like death. It’s human nature to move on and want to get on with life but as a widow I know that not a day goes by where I don’t miss him and go over events and wonder if things could have been different.
Some people who were friends with us as a couple couldn’t cope with me on my own. I have actually moved away from the area when I retired and have a fresh start with new interests and new friends. Anyone who really valued my friendship has kept in touch.
Polnan, I think this happening to you during lockdown Is particularly hard. You will be heartsore. The sense of loss doesn’t go away but you learn how to live with it eventually. Happy for you to private message me.

I think it is very helpful if you give the bereaved a chance to talk about the deceased. Sometimes people are embarrassed to do so but I think to talk about them is sometimes what the widow wants to do.

When my friend's son died in a car crash I just dropped a casserole on their porch with a note to say I was tger 24/7 if needed. She told me afterwards I got it just right. They got so many flowers they had them in piles in the garage. Some people even gave them rose bushes! Just what they needed to have to plant the damned things.
Friends mean well but just do not think it through.

When our baby died, my husband said to me that there were going to be times when he got things wrong, either verbally or by deed, but his intention would always be to try to make me feel better. It made his occasional faux pas much easier to bear. When someone is in a bad way now for whatever reason, I tell them that I often have foot in mouth syndrome so I get things wrong but I my aim is to support them anyway I can so just tell me what they want and not to feel thy can't tell me to back off if that is what thy need.

When the chap next door came round one day to tell me his wife had died, I gave him a really big hug and said I will put the kettle on. He then sat down and poured out his grief and what had happened. After that I always plated up an extra dinner on Sundays and took it around. After a while I often use to give him a plate of whatever we had during the week..At first he felt embarrassed about accepting and wanted to pay. So I agreed with him that when we ever had fish (which we did often) he would pay for the fish bought for him.

I think Humbertbert is right. Just be there, a quiet presence offering support. Shopping, a trip out, coffee. Please don’t give up after a few weeks, so many do. I lost my parents and husband in eighteen months. People would cross the road if they saw me coming. They didn’t know what to say. I used to make the first move and that made it easier for all. Six months down the road you know who your friends are.

Harrigran,I think you are spot on.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving,.
When my friend telephoned me to say that her husband had died suddenly Iasked her when she would like me to come over.
I went to see her a few days later and I really sat and listened to her talk .
She did say that someone said the fact that A had died before her had saved him the pain of having to bear her death should she have died first.
She found that a comfort.
I found she did want to reminisce a lot .
Just be a good listener and cup of tea maker.

In the days before Covid if a friend or nieghbour died I'd hand in a large fruit cake. I knew from experience that there could be lots of visitors requiring/expecting refreshment and a good cut and come again cake seemed to be welcome. Fewer visitors these days though.
The general admin required can be surprising. When Dad died we divided it up between us. As another poster said, be sure and get lots of copies of the death certificate.
Mostly just be around and keep being around in one way or another. After the initial flurry of activity and the funeral there can come a deeper realisation that life has changed completely. That's when you find out who your real friends are - and they're not necessarily who you think they might be.

As someone said earlier help with form filling and even sitting in on important phone calls. I remember my head being so in the shed, I came off the phone trying to sort out a pension one day and just sobbing because as soon as I put the phone down I couldn’t recall a single thing the advisor had said. I think it would have helped enormously if I’d had someone there and my phone on loudspeaker.
As for people bringing food it wouldn’t have helped me as my appetite vanished completely but it may suit someone else as we’re all different. I had to keep cooking anyway for my four year old dd but even when I was cooking her food I had no inclination to actually eat any. There may as well have been cardboard in the pans for all the affect it had on me. Which was so unlike me as I have always loved my food.
One that really got to me was when people said I was brave. I hated that because all I was doing was trying to carry on as normal for my dd. It was just before Christmas and I had to attend my dds nativity play, everybody was surprised I was actually there but life for my daughter had to carry on as near normal as possible.
I won first prize in the raffle that year and to this day I’m convinced that it was rigged in my favour.
I did my crying at night and when she was at school.
Don’t be afraid to ask how your neighbour is because it shows you care.
I loved the chance to speak about my lovely husband so don’t be afraid to mention her husband’s name.
She’s blessed to have a caring friend such as yourself.

Our neighbour's husband died last Nov. from lung cancer. He and my husband had been very close over the previous year or 2 working on diy projects together.
The poor man knew he was going to die within a short time and so his family knew. I wasn't so close with her as her daughter and ggD lived there too. there's also a very caring son and his wife.
But I think my husband really misses him and helps when she has diy problems.
As soon as we heard about the death I wrote them a hearfelt letter and we went to the burial - the family is Catholic.

Why are people advocating hugs during a pandemic? It’s hard but her son could potentially give her Covid along with that hug. They clearly don’t live together. I had to process the death of my mother on my own, didn’t want sympathetic looks or hugs or even conversation. My father died in May but I wasn’t as upset although others seemed to assume I would be. Everyone deals with grief in different ways.

@Jillybird Your neighbour came to YOU. She trusted you to give her what she needed - a good cry - and you did. That is a precious and special bond.

Lots of really good advice here from people with experience of this situation. Might `I also suggest biscuits, cake, tea and coffee for all the visitors who will be dropping round? I remember my mum getting quite stressed that she didn't have anything to offer visitors who came to offer condolences after my dad passed away. A trivial thing maybe but important to her.

Don’t be afraid to reminisce about he person who has died. Out of the many condolence cards I received I loved the ones that didn’t just say, “Sorry for your loss,” but mentioned little things that had happened between them, especially the funny ones. My DH and I have a silly sense of humour, and often got the giggles about something completely stupid..
He was almost 82 when he died, but two weeks later my fit and healthy neighbour died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage. He was only 61. Helping his wife get through the shock and pain helped me, too. She has no children or close relatives and didn’t know where to start. Although she is 20 years younger than me we are still good friends, and often talk about our DHs.
Everyone copes in different ways when deaths occur. Don’t be put off if you seem to be rebuffed. Sometimes the bereaved just want time to come to terms with what has happened. I remember waking up and wondering if it was real, or not. Just be quietly there for them when they need you.

What I found most comforting was a friend who phoned me on a Thursday night at eight, and we had a brief chat. At the end of the conversation, she said that she'd call again the following Thursday at eight, and she did - for the next six months.

How this helped was that, if there was anything I wanted to talk about, I knew that there was a sort of an appointment made with her so I didn't feel that I might be intruding on her time, nor she on mine.

She ended each call with "I'll call again next week, if that's ok with you". After six months, I replied, "Actually, why don't I call you next week if I need to chat?"

The worst thing ever was the never-ending question from people all around: "So what are you going to do (now that he's gone)?"

Jillybird: when my late husband died the thing I wanted was to be left alone to deal with my grief. And certainly not hugged or jollied along. One so called friend endorsed this when she commented "just forget about it and get on with life". Then there are those who make asinine remarks about a person they never really knew. Not a good idea because the response not always what you might expect to hear. My kind neighbour came with two fiction books in her hand and said "at your lowest moments I thought you might find these helpful". They were not books I would normally read, but the gesture was genuinely kind and well intended - and which I appreciated.

When my DH died last December ( can it really be over 7 months ago ?) my dear friends were my rocks , they phoned or called in most days and we had lots of reminiscing and tears . I was lucky in that we could have a funeral before Covid 19. My close friends are still there for me as are my family, but many at the funeral haven’t been in touch as promised but that’s life I suppose .

So many kind people on here today. When a friend's son died, and I knew she would have lots of family support, I emailed her to say if she needed a 'break out' from the arrangements, to get in touch, and I would pick her up to take her out for a coffee. Okay, not so feasible just now, but she took me up on it.

My nephew died tragically many years ago and I remember just being at the house, making numerous cups of tea and coffee, offering biscuits, but generally staying out of the way as visitors had come to see his parents, not me. Some people I didn't know anyway as they weren't in my circle of friends. I didn't think I had done very much until a number of people told me later how my DS had said she did not know how they would have managed dealing with everything without me making continual cups of tea. So please, if you get a chance, just be there, in the background offering help and a shoulder to cry on when needed.