What best to say to or do for a new widow?

@Rutheleanor
My husband died five years ago after a very long illness so I had had time to prepare myself for his death, as had friends and neighbours. I knew help and support was there if I needed it just as it always had been. Quite honestly, I would have been rather shocked if someone had come round offering food! Perhaps it is different if it is a sudden death.

I think the greatest help was when people were not shy about mentioning his name. In fact we still sometimes laugh about some of the things he said, and wonder what he would have made of today's world - or what I was doing to the house and garden!

My next door neighbour, young enough to be my daughter always gives me a bunch of flowers on the anniversary of his death and I think this is a really kind and thoughtful thing to do.

When my sister was widowed November last year - it didn't help that I was in hospital, but I was out in time to go the funeral - the live 100 miles away. I told her to remember I'm always at the end of the phone! She does have close family near her and they have been very helpful.

As a "new" widow I suppose I am still in shock but have had wonderful support from family and friends and that is what has kept me going. Time will never erase the pain of loss though, what we had was very special.

When my husband died 4 years ago his brother (who is quite gruff and outwardly unemotional) ran me every week for the first year just to see how I was doing. Other friends rang regularly too just to chat. I didn't want people hugging me or making me food, but I missed the daily chat about nothing that is part of marriage and luckily had many friends and family who kept in touch regularly and for a long time. Many people who were not so close lost contact after a month or two. I now try to make sure that as friends are widowed I keep ringing and emailing regularly. Fir the first month or two I was certainly in shock and I suspect most people are - however old or ill someone is it is difficult to believe they have gone. I still can't believe that I won't see my husband again and I'm not religious.

As someone who has very recently lost my OH, I have really appreciated those neighbours who have told me they don't want to intrude, but have made it clear that they are there if I need anything or just want a socially distanced chat. There are a couple of neighbours who I feel have been avoiding me when they are normally quite chatty and that has made me feel like a bit of an outcast, but I realise it is because they probably feel awkward and don't know what to say, everyone is different. Just a quick, "how are you doing" in passing really does help.

My lovely DH died during early lockdown so I was very isolated. My friends checked in with me by phone and msg regularly...especially first and last thing....that helped so much. Just knowing they were thinking of me and virtually holding my hand.

When My husband died the phone never stopped ringing and people were turning up all day. I know they meant well but i couldn't handle it. My daughter 18 at the time felt the same.
I booked us both into a hotel with room service and we just talked, walked and helped each other. We had to wait for an inquest so the time between him leaving us and the funeral was around 2 weeks. This helped us in that interim period. We came back better able to make the decisions that needed sorting out.
Having said this everyone is different I think you need to listen to what people need Some want and need a lot of company. others don't.

i was widowed at 39, my husband was 57, i got a lot of ...well you are young you can always find someone else, or well he was older than you, i was just happy for someone to say hi how are you, others crossed the road to avoid talking to me, i have had some neighbours who have died and i always stop and say hi, others i have put a note through the door with my number on it and a message to call anytime, the evenings can be the worse so a phone call sometimes helps.

I remember reading there can be a difference (perceived by the bereaved person) between someone asking, "How are you?" and "How are you today?", the latter implying a greater level of interest in their feelings, and acknowledging that their feelings today, this morning, this minute, may be very different from anything they felt yesterday or may feel tomorrow, next week, or next year.

I was widowed 7 years ago aged 57, DH was 72 & died after a short terminal illness. Fortunately I had all the necessary paperwork to hand as I dealt with it & all the utility bills were in my name.

I had also chosen the Funeral Director & discussed the arrangements with him a couple of months before DH died.

Friends who rang me or dropped in were a great help. Don't be afraid of mentioning the deceased, it's often a comfort to talk about them.

People often think you only need support for a short time before & after the Funeral, it's in the months following that you need the contact with others to help you pick up your life, even a simple invitation to coffee is welcome.

It is very insensitive to say "oh you're young, you'll find some-one else", to the recently bereaved .

A few kind words, keeping up contact are so important, just being thoughtful is all that's needed.

misty34 booking into a hotel with your Daughter and spending precious time together what a wonderful thing to do. I am sure it did you both the power of good. People mean well but it can be overwhelming and just turning up without ringing first is never a good idea. I read a short booklet some years ago written by a young Mother with cancer about what and what not to do and say. What stuck in my mind was when people said to her "if there is anything I can do" without being specific. Her reply was yes there are many things you can do to help me, take my children to school and pick them up, mow my lawn, do my shopping, cook me a meal etc. As you say misty34 it is important to listen to what people need and act accordingly.

I remember my Mum saying that one of the things she found difficult when my Dad died was that people she knew crossed the street as they didn’t know what to say to her.
Just be yourself, she’ll appreciate your support. You’re a kind person

After my husband died people kept asking/telling me to get a dog! As if that would be a replacement!

I’d just echo what others have said before me which is that phone calls or emails or visits count for so much more than Well, you know where I am if you need me. You’re in shock and you have to deal with notifying people, a funeral and things you never bargained on having to do ... you soon find out who your true friends really are, the ones who can be bothered.

I was fortunate when my husband passed 2 and a half years ago. Having a loving supportive family and a wealth of friends from 2 fellowships who stayed by me, after and still are with me is more unusual than usual, I have come to find out. My voluntary work has also helped a great deal.

For me hugs were all I wanted. I didn't want platitudes and insincere/trite words. Oh I did get some. I just smiled through gritted teeth.

I think re food (that someone was surprised at who posted) it is a good idea. It is something I appreciated as I really could not be bothered with cooking it

I had a few people say "I would meet someone else" which they got short sharp shrift on. They haven't mentioned it since.

As I said to one woman "You have lost your mom I believe? When are you going out to find a new mom?"

She looked at me horrified! I smiled and walked off. Case rested ?

I would tend to avoid saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.”. It puts the onus on the bereaved, who might not know what they want, let alone ask for it. Humbertbear is quite right to offer something specific.

If the bereaved is on their own, the casserole or cake is usually welcome. Help with admin is also really welcome. I was lucky that my sister and daughter supported me in those things. Had they not been around, I would have appreciated someone else offering.

As has been said, a hug, a phone call, an offer of a cup of tea, they all help.

Many widows say that people ‘disappear’ after the funeral. Keep in touch after the first few weeks. That would be greatly appreciated

After my husband died last October,I found that my neighbors were more helpful than family mainly due to Covid.
I found it irritating that some neighbours wouldn't accept money for shopping presumably because of pity.
All in all I have found that friends who keep in touch whether by whats app or phone are best.
I have noticed that family tend not to mention my husband but I would rather they did .The inquest is still to be held, delayed due to Covid,so perhaps things will be easier then .

I found solace in friends who would just arrive with a casserole or apple crumble. In fact any food was welcome as I comfort eat when stressed.. and it meant no cooking for me which I was finding I couldn't be bothered with. My stepdaughter and her husband were great at popping ing every other night for a cuppa. What I had no patience with is friends who did not phone or crossed over the road when they saw me in the village. They are friends no more. When confronted one said 'Oh I did not know what to say I said all she had to say was 'Hello, are you doing ok?' Or anything normal. Hope that helps.