I feel broken today

Oh maddyone it's because you care so much that you are upset, and that shows what a kind person you are. You did everything you could for your mum.
I hope things will get better for your daughter over the coming months.
I agree with one step at a time. Good days, bad days will come and go. The world is a very difficult place at the moment, give yourself time.

Sending love and hugs XX

Thank you so much everyone for your kindness and compassion. This is the best of Gransnet, the love and support we receive from other grans during bad times. Today has been a really difficult day for me, for two reasons I think. The first is that today is my daughter’s birthday. We celebrated whilst we were out in New Zealand, a joint celebration for her and for my birthday in two weeks (we’re both having a big birthday this year.) My daughter organised a little holiday for her and the children, travelling today, but when she arrived at the airport there was a problem with some of the paperwork and they couldn’t travel. Those three little people would have been so very disappointed, not to mention my daughter’s disappointment. Of course, as a parent, you feel the pain of your child, and the pain of your grandchildren. I feel it as a real pain, and I can’t do anything to help, or even much support, they’re just so far away.

On top of that, tomorrow we (my husband and myself) are driving north to see my husband’s father who is 95 years old and in a home, but he’s been taken into hospital again today with breathing problems, the second time in a week. Also we’re meeting my darling niece, almost a second daughter to me, and we’re going to scatter mum and dad’s ashes near the village where mum was born, as per mum’s wishes. I was going to do this with my sister but I can’t face her now, after her unkind words, and so I’m doing it with my niece. But it’s only going to be half the ashes. My lovely DiL suggested we split the ashes as she knows I can’t see my sister again now, and so we have to give half the ashes to my sister. I’m not sure when, as my niece can’t take them as she would suffer abuse from her mother if she knew my niece had seen me and helped me. However, it really goes against the grain to split mum and dad’s ashes, my whole being cries out against it, but it must be. I cannot be abused again by my sister by seeing her. It’s so painful when family members are abusive but my sister is. She’s alcoholic and has mental health difficulties (has had for years) which manifest themselves in abuse and nastiness towards others. She regularly wouldn’t speak to mum for a few weeks and she’d send mum vile texts which my lovely DiL would delete every Friday when she visited, before mum had a chance to see them (mum wasn’t too good with her mobile towards the end.) I never looked, I didn’t want to see them. It annoyed me enough that my sister upset mum by refusing to speak to her often.

Thank you again, you are all so kind. I am weary today. I’ll be better tomorrow, and especially when my niece and I have scattered some of the ashes.

I’m so sorry maddy you are grieving so many things at once. I hope tomorrow provides a little relief x

Oh dear maddy my heart goes out to you. You are in the Eye of the Storm right now, poor you - it must be exhausting with so many plates spinning.

Your anxiety about your daughter and grandchildren shines through the most to me. Unless I’m wrong this is the kernel of your unhappiness. Your sister? Pah! She’s been toxic for years. You’ve learnt how to circumnavigate her nonsense over time. Your mum? Yes grief is a bugger. It’s the price we pay for loving someone. And you DID love her. You have been a sweet and supportive daughter it seems, under difficult circumstances.

Scatter those ashes (half of them but you’ve done your best to be kind and accommodating), don’t beat yourself up.

Take one day at a time. One only. Don’t project. If your mind encourages to go somewhere, acknowledge the invitation but decline thinking ‘another day for that’. Just deal with what is in front of you each day.

Baby steps. It will sort. x

I'm so sorry. So much sorrow at once.

So sorry you are suffering all this grief Maddyone.
This too will pass. Sending hugs 💐

Bereavement on top of loss with your family moving away is a lot to manage maddyone
Be gentle with yourself. Tomorrow is another day and you may feel less overwhelmed. Be sure to take care of yourself maddy. Sometimes a good therapist can help

I am so very sorry to hear that you have been going through this. Bereavement in its many forms can be so hard to deal with. If you can get some bereavement counselling I think you will find it very helpful. It was for me in a
similar situation. Unresolved issues from childhood probably cause the difficulties with your sister, its
a stressful time. These difficulties can be overcome over time with time, patience and forgiveness.. Wishing you all the best.

Sorry to hear you’re having to deal with such a lot.
As others have said - take one day at a time.

Do your best each day. It’s good enough.

Be kind to yourself - make time for yourself to think and relax. Plan treats to look forward to.

Hope all becomes easier to deal with.

💐you did your best and loved her, that’s the important bit, you’re grieving for your mom, your sister a sad individual, you needn’t have contact except financially when things are settled, that can be by letter. Things will get better it’s been a lifetime for me, not a day goes past without me thinking of my dear mom, it’s with love and remembering the good times, she was only young so I missed a lot,.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. We always take on our DC’s pain and that on top of losing your Mum is too much. I hope you feel better tomorrow,

Thank you ladies for the wonderful comments and support. I was really feeling so down the other day, but feeling a bit better now. Yesterday was a good day, we laid my mum and dad’s ashes to rest in a lovely spot just outside the village where she was born. They’re together now and I know where I can come back to lay flowers if I wish to in the future (cellophane removed of course) and then we went to the village pub for something to eat and had a walk around the village remembering my many childhood visits there and which auntie lived in which house and so on.
This morning my husband took the remainder of the ashes over to my sister. Why he agree to go in the house I’ll never know, but she attacked him verbally (which is why I wouldn’t go.) He’s very calm, unlike her, and would not be riled. He refuted the usual allegations she has consistently made that I ‘kept the Swarovski meerkats back’ and I kept back other things, and that I prevented her from having the money she entitled to ( we just shared it out as I mentioned upthread.) She told my husband he’s a ‘very dangerous man’ because he helped to sort and settle things after dad died some seven years ago at mum’s request. And a lot more untrue abuse.
But the important thing is despite having to deal with this very toxic person, I know I bent over backwards to do all the right things when mum was dying and after she died. And we’re clearing up the estate properly and lawfully whilst my sister has done nothing.
With the loss of mum, my daughter’s emigration (don’t know if she’ll ever come back, but not at the moment because the husband won’t allow her to bring the children back) my daughter’s difficult divorce, and my toxic sister I sometimes feel I’m between a rock and a hard place, but you ladies were lovely when I was at one of my lowest points. and we have two lovely sons here in England, another grandchild, a wonderful DiL and SiL and my lovely niece and her husband, and so I am grateful for all the good things in my life.

I didn’t even say my absolutely wonderful and supportive husband.

Sending you a huge virtual hug maddyone, sometimes things happen all at once and it’s so overwhelming isn’t it, what you are feeling is completely natural take one day at a time and you will get through it, I’m so happy you have a wonderful supportive husband who can be worth their weight in gold at times like this, take care of yourself too

It must be very difficult knowing your daughter is going through a marriage breakdown and she is so far away, especially as it sounds like her husband is being un co-operative. I'm sorry about your Mum, yesterday would have been such a big day for you all

You have done what you thought was right with your sister so think nothing more of it now. She can't be reasoned with and she is the maker of her own misery. You will be fine x

Glad you’re feeling a bit stronger Maddy. Sending my best wishes

Well done maddyone, you have now laid your parents to rest, and you know you did your very best for them.
Well done to your DH, too, for remaining calm in the face of your sister's abuse.

What your sister chooses to do for her part now is her responsibility, not yours. You won't need to contact her again now.

Glad you are feeling a bit better. Sometimes things can feel unbearable when you have so much to cope with at once.
I hope with the help of your very supportive husband you will feel more peaceful soon.

I understand only too well why you are crying today!

As if it wasn't bad enough that your daughter moved so far away just before your mother died, but now her marriage is beaking up, too!

And your sister is a right royal pain in the ... you know the word I hesitate to write, don't you?

Good for you, sending her half of your mother's estate. I hope this means you can find a buyer for your mother's flat without having to be in touch with your sister again,

Any chance you daughter will consider returning form NZ now?

There will always be days when you miss your mum, at least I suppose so, mine died in 2002 and my dad in 2009 and I still miss them badly at times.

But the really bad days do grow farther apart as time goes on, not because we love them less, but because we do become resigned to the loss of them.

Remember, tears are a safety valve and feeling sad is only natural when we are bereaved. There will be good days round the corner, but it is a long hard corner to get round.

So sorry maddyone. Why does everything happen at once, make no wonder your having a bad time. At least the rest of your family are there for you. Just be kind to yourself.
I really hope the good days outnumber the the bad for you and you can have some peace of mind.

Oh Maddy I’m so sorry. It’s not surprising you feel battered and despondent.
I have a sister who’s behaving exactly like yours so I completely understand how hideous it is to experience. My sister is refusing to cooperate with the solicitor closing my parents’ estates, she’s an alcoholic and has always been abusive. I’ve completely blocked her now.
It must be very hard to know how best to support your DD, other than doing whatever you can to help her.
Sending hugs and hopes that everything works out x

So much grief all at once . Its so sad , I really do feel for you . I hope it settles down . I know when I had similar I just had to let go òf one or two family members who were adding to it all , it's enough for you to cope with the loss of your Mum . When my neighbours son and daughter in law emigrated to New Zealand she said it felt like a bereavement so I can only imagine how you are feeling at the moment .
Sending you a big hug right now 🤗

Just another thank you for your kindness, thank you to everyone. I’ve recovered from that extreme lowness last week and feel better in myself. We’re driving home later today.

When my neighbours son and daughter in law emigrated to New Zealand she said it felt like a bereavement so I can only imagine how you are feeling at the moment.

No, it's not. Only someone who has not lost a child would say that.

It can be heartbreaking and even worse if you know your child is thousands of miles away and suffering, as * maddyone's* daughter is now, but she will see her again and we hope in the not-too- distant future, maddy