Life and loves of an underthecovers agent

ana my dahlink you would know this because ?.......

No comment...

Erm...Ella told me...

Ah, yes, Miss Whiplash!

Better get the white horse oils out......

Smoluski I am interested in your family tree . Can you tell us a bit more about your mother, the Comtesse Ciara Smoluski?' Is she, in fact, Shirley Ramsbottom, the coalman's bit of stuff who did a bunk with the takings from a hot dog stall on Yarmouth pier, or am I mixing her up with the crone of inderterminable age who ran a smoked kipper stall as a front for a money laundering outfit on the sea front at Cromer?

when! How can you be so disrespectful of nellie smoluski's heritage? I happen to know that Shirley Ramsbottom had nothing to do with the Great Hot Dog Stall heist - it was all down to Gertie Grimshaw, the coalman's 'wife' who used the money to change herself to 'Bertie'!

ahh that explains bertie I did wonder, but what happened to Harry Ramsbottom?

when my family tree has been rattled often and many nuts have fallen from the branches,none nuttier than my esteemed mother Shirley Ramsbottom nee Crabtree who originated from a prawn trawler moored off the coast of Southend on sea,she was raised behind the cockle sheds in Leigh on sea and schooled in the art of deception on Southend sea front,raised on a diet of candy floss 4 donuts for a pound and mr whippys 99 .
Shirley married her first husband after being sold into slavery manning the waltzer and the the tunnel of love for her first husband a traveller from Tilbury who owned the dodgems,a young David Essex look alike who sported a red spotted neckerchief and a cocky walk caused in the main but an un repaired hernia from infancy which made a popular target with the ladies,alas it was all a front and my father could not keep mother interested so she ran off with my father Alby Ramsbottom a coalman.who ,moonlighted with a hotdog stall on Yarmouth pier as the work was seasonal and available when people didn't need coal in the summer,Gertie/Bertie is a distant cousin so far removed as to be unconnected,we have never been to Cromer as the crabs are highly contagiuosxxx

Serves me right for askin'!

Is alby harrys brother?

glass Harry disassociated himself from the family ,changed his name by deed poll and became Harry Ramsden the fish and chip entrepreneur,we are extremely proud of uncle Harry's achievments.....

Nellie's back! Mr soop has just called out - are you okay? He heard me making sobbing sounds...of laughter...

countess, you have just made me have a coughing fit!

anno that makes two of us!

Brilliant!!

Well, I think there's something distinctly fishy about your family connections, Smoluski. Did you, or did you not, disappear on a 'trip' to Grimsby, paid for from a dubious source, to suss out the contraband market for Yarmouth-distilled 100% proof slivovitz? And was that Gertie/Bertie, disguised as a whelk seller, handing out counterfeit fags and chewing tobacco, to patrons of a rival chippy? I suspect your Mata Hari persona is a front for a takeover bid to buy a portfolio of kipper stalls and failing cigarette booths. Either you are a genuine spy, or you plan to take over the market selling cheap booze and fags to tourists along the Yarmouth to Hull coastline, to fund your disastrous fetish for red plastic and black leather. Come clean and cough to these accusations, or prove that you are who you say you are!

-- just going for a lie down--

when

when the only fishy thing in my background is my connections with Leigh on sea,the cockle capital of Essex,we run a very legitimate Donkey Ride Business,it's just that some of our Donkeys tend to have two legs and are called mules,their purpose is to conceal litre bottles of 100% slivovitz about their person,and to ingest packages of illegal plugs of tobacco which need to be reintroduced into circulation via the alimentary canal.
Gertie/Bertie has not been part of our family for years,after he was discombobulated,and made into Gertie,but I hear on the grapevine that he is working for an organisation manufacturing cannabis plants to sell at car boot sales to unsuspecting elderly patrons...their motto Don't walk on the grass..smoke it....these are the illegal cigarette booths you see appearing and the smoking of kippers nearby disguises the smell......

Aha!!! So you don't deny your double life is not a cover for espionage!!

(Stalks off with a smug look on her face)

rather a lot of double negatives there, but no-one will notice

Anyway, never mind about your dodgy relatives and their even dodgier activities, let's get on to your Life and Loves, as promised in the title of this thread, nellie smoluski !

The Russians have infiltrated wells-next - the sea,and operate from a casino on the harbour front...if I tell you more I would have to shoot you....which organisation are you representing.....I am the Nan from Uncle ...he runs a pawnbrokers,and has 3big brass balls....

Ahh Ana my lovely so interested in how many little peccadillos I have encountered.....