Argy Bargy madness, come right in! ??

Well I definitely heard you in the cellar with Jude, Lemongrove. Are you sure it’s her? You were making some very ghostly noises with Jude.

Psychic you are the spitting image of our dear departed, perhaps you are her sister or cousin perchance??

Lemon she wants you to know its very bright up here. A bit like Brighton but sunnier and with less rainbow flags. And she says you didn't pay her the three weeks you owed her but you can give it to me instead and I'll make sure she gets it.
maddyone she says you've lost something....some kind of appliance...she says it's rolled under your bed.. Try poking it out using an umbrella..

maddy you mean the constant whooping noises? That wasn’t me, it was Jude, I have inadvertently flattened him( note to self...must go on a diet.)
I just caught a glimpse of Jolly Jack, it was a whiskery face anyway, round the kitchen door, we have awoken that which should have been left sleeping!?Although......it could have been the Admiral.

gransal she says buy a lotto ticket because you're going to have a bit of luck and there's money coming to you soon..... maddyone they caught your face on one of those secret things at Kings Cross so you'll have to try somewhere new after the Argy closes.... Tell doodle if she and that jezebel lemon don't ease off there'll be another spirit in the cellar as Jude is drooping and fit to drop. Permanently.

That’s enough from you Mystic Meg, we have had enough excitement for one night thank you very much!
Here take her bottle of Jeyes fluid and her marigolds, and a bottle of Bog Hobgoblin in lieu of wages for her.?

Crash!! ??? who turned the b***dy lights off? I’ve just fallen arse over tip down the cellar stairs, and what’s all this chanting about. Psychic for goodness sake take that sheet off, you’ll frighten someone ??

Lemon she says the Argy was the best of days, and the worst of days and it is a far far better thing that she does now than she's ever done before. She says Little Paxo dances and dances, not on a cloud but on all the plastic waste that's even washed up in the hereafter.. apparently St Peter is fed up to the back teeth with it and blames the Argy for all the pork scratching packets.

She's gone!
Hopefully never to be back.
I'm exhausted. Lemon dear one - a treble brandy and £350 please. Its what Merseybelle wanted.
No... No cheques. I want to get to Gentings before it closes.. My nerves.... The white light....

Ah, a tale of two bars is it?
Am not sure if I want to enter the pearly gates after all, if there’s plastic waste and it looks like Brighton on gay pride day, all those rainbows give me a migraine.
Of course, I may not be going to enter there anyway after my misspent life of crime and grime.I may be headed to ‘the other place’ ( but that’s ok, I like Cambridge.)

It’s a cheque for a tenner or nothing, the till has nothing in it but the usual old buttons and a bent Irish sixpence.

Oh yes my son spent many happy days at Tit Hall, I know it well.
I think your club is a strange place sweet Lemon full of weirdly exciting people and with an atmosphere unlike any other. I'm not surprised there's so much psychic activity. And so many of your regulars look strangely familiar. Well they are strange and they are very familiar, particularly that temptress doodle who appears to have insatiable appetites and not in the food line. And the girls are so pretty
(take care or you'll have Prince Andrew round) and so enticing with all that Botox and clingfilm. No wonder they turn the heads of all the male clientele. Just like the young star of The Exorcist in fact.
Others have remarked on my similarity to that Scouse misfit but I take it as a compliment. After all there can only ever have been one Merseybelle in this forlorn world, can't there?

Well, we would certainly hope so ?

I don’t know about turning all the heads, more like their stomachs!
‘Pretty girls’ ?! GIRLS? Time for a visit to Specsavers again Psychic ?

Now, I have somewhere to be, if I leave the keys with you can I trust you to lock the bar later? How do I look btw? These killer heels are well named and my red pvc thong is giving me gipp.?

OK then I'll lock up for you before I give the wheels an old twirl.. You'll have a UTI wearing that thong, I defo predict ?

Sorry have I missed the seance........I have just come to behind the coffee machine??????

GG13 oh you've caused me such a problem now! I'd accidentally forwarded a copy of the seance recording to the Royal Society for the Protection of Fake Mediums and by now your snoring and farting which I'd attributed to spirits will be the object of scientific discussion the world over. ??? I believe Derren Brown has already been booked by Channel 4 for a documentary where they'll be trying to reproduce those horrible noises under scientific conditions. What is there to do? Not spirits but pork scratchings, poteen, and two creme eggs ( plus you know what) all behind the coffee machine! You'll ruin my supernatural credibility, I'll be the laughing stock of this world (and the next)

NEWS REPORT - THE DAILY RAG -

The Royal Society has been contacted by the well known spiritualist, Psychic Fanny, to scientifically verify an EVP tape recording a seance held at The Argy Bargy Club ( a well known den of iniquity located in Soho).
An EVP tape ( Electronic Voice Phenomenon ) allegedly records sounds often not audible to the human ear, which are supernatural in origin,

Psychic Fanny ( Psychic to the Stars, or at least Jude Law and George Clooney) said that she had been aghast at the sounds on the tape after the seance she was holding at the club concluded. At first she had thought the sounds were of Thor, the club's barman, flushing out the barrels but then realised it could be a demonic entity.

Recent tragic events at the club (which appear to happen on an almost daily basis at this joint) including the deaths of two (maybe one if a ferret doesn't count) members of staff have led to observed psychic activity, terrifying the regulars and the odd repair man.
Simon Bon-Riddles, chairman of Bust a Gut Drainage, said one of his workmen was now suffering from PTSD after trying to repair a cracked urinal in the club. This unfortunate fellow had seen the paper towel dispenser spew out its contents followed by the soap machine squirting him in the eye from across the room. It was accurate even though the distance was over seven feet.

Ms. Letitia Lemon-Grove, owner of the Argy Bargy was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press ( her housekeeper said she was still drunk and with Hughey and Ralph in her ensuite) but other patrons, notably GG13, maddyone and gransal declined to be interviewed.
maddyone said she wouldn't have believed it possible to contact the other side but her own grandmother had once channelled Marconi so she knew it could happen. Another female said she had cut her finger and lost an acrylic when the glass placed on a home made ouija board had shattered and was seeking to make a personal injuries claim, as was another woman, doodle claiming poorly maintained lighting fixtures had caused her to fall down the cellar steps.

It is believed the well known artist and mentalist, Derren Brown, has been approached by a television company to debunk/investigate what really happened during this seance.
Mr Brown is ( according to conspiracy theorists hiding out on Gransnet) a fake fake unveiler of fakes as they claim he is in fact a genuine psychic himself, and has sold his soul to the Devil in return for a DVD and book deal. Gransnetters point to his large collection of stuffed Victorian curiosities as proof of this and the fact his neighbours refuse to let him walk their pets.
Mr Brown was also unavailable for comment this morning as his housekeeper stated he had come home in a taxi from Kings Cross with a woman called maddyone that he had found near the station. Apparently her state of attire inspired him to get his pencil out so he was still sketching her this morning

Reporters were heckled and abused by a beggar woman trying to sell them Dvd's of a ferret funeral of all things (£20 each or £50 for two) but were able to obtain an interview with the Captain, an old salt whatever that is, who was found at the back of the club. Negotiations for that continue.

This newspaper takes its public responsibilities very seriously and we therefore warn our readers NEVER to mess round with ouija boards or the occult as demonic possession and mental disturbance can follow. (Look what happened to Angela Rippon !) Nail accidents and serious injuries can also result so NEVER put your finger on a glass. Always hold it in those yellow and black tongs you can buy from Argos to help you pick up things you've dropped.

Our final word goes to the well known celebrity psychic Psychic Fanny -
Seances from £75, card readings Tarot and Electric Meter £45, and distant readings from £50.
As seen on New Brighton pier.
All welcome. Dead or Alive.
Personal motto (translated from the Latin)
PSYCHIC FANNY....I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT'S COMING !

I propose that we install a "Tena lady" dispenser along side the profalactic and disposable toothbrush/paste machine in what is inappropriately called "The Ladies Powder Room" (no "Lady" has ever intentionally visited the "Argy" but there has been suspicious "powder" found!!).

Cubicles are frequently "in use" for hours at a time........strange noises coming from "said cubicles" including "groaning",chains "clanking" and "whimpering"??????

With the use of "said wee catchers" we could cut down on the amount of air freshener used to disguise "bodily fluid odours" and thereby reduce our carbon footprint ?

Unfortunately we cannot do anything about the muddy footprints and General filth that has accumulated (see new cleaning rota pinned up behind the bar)

Oh yes Grannygravy13 at last, a machine that actually would dispense something useful for those of us no longer active in certain areas! I second your proposal wholeheartedly!
Your sense of environmental responsibility is admirable re reducing our carbon footprint. I was wondering if we could somehow re use all the hot air within the Argy and use it for heating. I believe lemon set the waste paper bins on fire in a bid to reduce the club's central heating bill last winter. I'm a newcomer here, are you the Argy's Social Justice and Environment Secretary?

I have duly bought a lotto ticket as advised by the psycho, sorry psychic. hope she is right. I so wanted a go on Jude but as usual GG13 had wrung him out. The woman can't stop. Will just go back to George. He is so worn out he doesn't offer any resistance. Such a good boy. Can we make sure the tena lady machine stocks large. I seem to have put a bit of weight on in the nethers. Pint of poteen please.

Oh dear gransal hope George revives soon. You're looking a bit peaky yourself. Double ginger beer for me please Thor, and can I have an ecologically friendly paper bag of vegan pork scratchings please.

OK then, I can see those pathetic looks. A large tonic for George and stick two of those little packets of Fibrogel in it as he might be bunged up and I don't want gransal to be disappointed with him.
How much? HOW MUCH!

G'day lemon, most important postcard as promised ??
Sent from the hub of the universe Headingley ❤️❤️
The punters are taking bets on your mascot's outfit for this cricket scrum game.
Sending love to all at The Argy, will be back soon with a few ozz players in tow, they're making a quick homage before heading back to one of the colonies. Need to get in something that looks like 'Amber nicter' ???

Tough day at the ranch today Thor, can I have a double ginger beer with a pint of meths chaser please?
And a bag of
vegan pork scratchings.
And some cashew nuts.
And some cheese and onion crisps.
And a giant Toblerone.
And change for the fruit machine.
Here's a fiver, keep the change.
Lemon still practising her pole dancing in the cellar?

How did you guess? I’m getting so lithe and panther like ( maybe a cougar?) with all the pole dancing....although the pole says could he get back to his plumbing now, and his wife will wonder where he’s been for the last three days.His English is getting very good, and I have got him to shave off his moustache, it made him look gloomy.??

We don’t do amber nectar here, our ales are dark and brooding, a bit like our men.?