Let's see if we can make each other laugh

I started to watch that Silverlady but had to give in, my stomach was churning and my head felt swimmy.

Thank you for all the jokes, it's really good to have a laugh.
I read some out to DH and he said thank you too

What Women Need In A Man:

A woman needs a man who is practical, who can look after the house and garden, do the decorating and maintenance, mow the lawns and get rid of weeds.

A woman needs a man who is financially solvent, to make sure she has no money worries and who will allow her to spend whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

A woman needs a man who is sensitive, kind and caring, one who will attend to all her physical needs, treat her like a goddess and keep her happy and contented.

But above all, a woman needs to make sure these three guys never meet each other ....

I haven't read all the posts but some have been hilarious. Here is mine. Young lady to her friend " I don't know much about cactus but I know a prick when I see one!

The Middle Wife'

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone laugh.
11

A little boy asked his teacher how to spell 'toad'. She explained.

When he handed in his work, she read, 'I toad my Mum I wanted a dog.'

I was driving along one night and stopped to pick up a hitchhiker, thanks for picking me up, he said, but how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I laughed as I thought to myself that the chances of there being 2 serial killers in my car at any one time were astronomical!

Bank robbers holding up cashier when one loses his mask.

The robber turns to the queue of customers and asks the first in line “did you see my face” the customer nods. Robber shoots him in the head.

Asks second in line same question. Yes was the reply. Robber shoots him in the head too.

Robber turns to third customer and asks same question. Customer replies

“No sir, I didn’t see your face but my wife did”

It's been a long day today but catching up on these has been a tonic!

A duck walks into a shop
“Got any bread?”
No
“Got any bread?”
No
“Got any bread?”
No, and if you ask me again I’ll nail your beak to the floor
“Got any nails?”
No
“Got any bread?”

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh ?

10 tickles !

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance

Unfortunately she blew it

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years. "This is Beth" I said, introducing my child. "And what's Beth short for ?" he asked

"Because she's only three" I replied

Why is 16 always full ?

Because it 8 and 8

The cat just asked me if I want the radio left on when he goes out?

My dg was trying to say a word beginning with sh sh sh and my dd and his dd thought he was trying to say a rude word cause it has been said a few times recently but due to my dgs speech working very fast he was really trying to say sh for ship or boat. Hope you all get the humour in this

Just for me

Made me laugh

Why has someone else posted all the jokes I can think of?

Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the other, 'How do you drive this thing?'

Why has someone else posted all the jokes I can think of?

ExD Not to worry! There are heaps of excellent jokes out there on the "www" just waiting to be plagiarised, you know, copy/paste.!
Here's one!

"If at first you don't succeed; then de-fusing unexploded bombs is not for you!"

Good Health

I hope this link works to a very funny song...
www.facebook.com/1062289168/posts/10219798961858808/?sfnsn=scwspwa&d=w&vh=i&extid=YTjAXuM4lbF8xf8C&d=w&vh=i

This one is for the Grans who speak Scots.

I overheard this years ago when my son and his friend were sitting in the garden.
Friend; What time is the big film tonight?
Son: What film is it?
Friend: The one at 7 o'clock.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Lincoln
There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York , Durham and Liverpool
In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone.
He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son .... it's a local call.'

A very posh lady goes into a bar by the docks, gin and tonic barman she says This goes on all night till she staggers outside with one of the dockers who has his wicked way with her
The next night this happens again and the next and the next

On the fourth night she goes into the bar and the barman asks her if she would like a gin and tonic

No thank you she says I find it makes my crotch sore