Asking their son or daughter "What kind of a mum was I?"

@serendipidity

Why do you think your daughters childhood was so unrelentingly negative?

Bbbface that's right. I've kept all the little things that were made at school, mother's day cards and little gifts etc, plus the more recent ones too. (Loads and loads of stuff) The handwritten messages inside them are funny and loving and let me know that, now he's an adult and a parent himself, he appreciates the childhood he had and that I'm still here, waiting in the background, for if or when I'm needed again.

Sometime ago, I was having a conversation with my son and as things do, the topic drifted to the past (which was actually a really difficult time in many ways).
He said that he never realised how hard it was because "I was just really happy" and for me, that meant I'd succeeded.....

I dont think i was a particularly good mother, or a bad one either, i mean i love my kids, always did, i did most the stuff mothers are supposed to do, but if being a good mother is baking cookies and sewing dresses then i guess i wasnt.
But i raised three smart, intelligent, independent human beings who sill love me so i guess i must have done somethings right.

To be honest, I don’t feel I need their affirmation. They got what I could give them, it wasn’t perfect but we remain close despite huge distances between us, including one in NZ, and we all chat every day via WhatsApp. I keep the guilt I might have about my parenting hiccups buried in distant recesses of the mind; to uncover it could open a Pandora’s box!

Mine say I was wonderful, I wasn’t, I drank !

Calendargirl that's my experience too!

If I were asked that question by my Mum my reply would be.......

Mum what do you think of me? Do you think i'm a good person? Have brought my children up well and am I still a good supportive Mother to them?

If the answer is yes then I would say - well that's because of how you brought me up .

If the answer is no then I would say - well that's because of the way you brought me up .

But dontmind, you could have reversed it. I took everything my mum did, and did the opposite. Luckily, my mum never asked me, I think she knew the answer.

I think if you can honestly say that most of the time you did your best given your knowledge, finances, health etc - that's all anyone can expect. Adults who blame their failings on their upbringing are not facing the whole truth. I could criticise my own parents for many things - but -THEY WERE DOING THEIR BEST AT THE TIME.

Both sons are middle aged dads so they know 'all' about parenting! One has nothing but praise - I was the best possible mum. The younger one says I didn't make him do his homework! To which my answer is 'you mean the homework you always said you didn't have?' But I know he's kidding - as he was then!

Chewbacca

I've just phoned and asked my DS, " DS, what kind of a mum was I when you were growing up?" His reply, "You were great mum, now bugger off, I'm working". That'll do for me!

Brilliant!

As far as I am concerned, my DDs have turned out well, so I must have done something right!!

Spot on TrendyNannie6.
I woudn`t need to ask either I did what i thought was right by myself and D`sons.

I adored my children from the moment they were born, I tried more than anything to keep them 'close' to each other (because my brother & I weren't) & I succeed so I am more than satisfied in mine & their dads parenting.....we did OK!

I did the best I could. Definitely more loving and caring than my mother was.

Geekesse I absolutely agree with all you’ve said. My two girls appear to enjoy all their time with me and it thrills me that they do. We are great friends and go away on holiday together.i love it!

My mother had a favourite child-my middle sister and she did not bother to hide it either. She blamed me for causing discord in the family due to jealousy when my sister was born, but how can a 2 year old control their jealousy. If you ask me what my mother was like I would say she was a bitch, but my middle sister would say she was brilliant, and my younger sister would say our mother had a favourite child.

When my son finally got married a few years ago, 13 years and 2 children later, in his speech he said something along the lines of "Now I have children of my own, I realise what a tiring and difficult a job it is, and my Mum did it on her own". I've never been prouder of him, or reduced to tears so quickly!

I'm with those who don't want to know. I love my children and did my best by them (still do) but it was a different childhood to the one they are giving their own children. We had less money, for a start, and days out and other treats were fairly rare, but they always had enough to eat and a roof over their heads. We made sure they attended school and helped them where we could. Holidays were mostly UK seaside ones, occasional trips were to to museums, zoos and the theatre. They had books to read and were read to, they had friends to play and birthday parties, and modest present offerings at Christmas. But, as others have mentioned, we were frugal and we saved money for rainy days, so lavishness was out of the question. We were not harsh disciplinarians but we made sure ours were polite and well mannered and knew how to behave and they were not the constant focus of our attention (you can see where this is going!) So, if my AC compared their own childhood to that of the grandchildren it would be seen as wanting.
Different times.

I think and hope they would say 'good enough'. They both live close by and seem to enjoy our company. Judging by the way they have grown up and are raising their own kids I would say that we got something right along the way.

I had a very difficult childhood and became a difficult adult because of it - prone to anxiety and nerves - but my children knew I loved them and they seem to have got over any grumps and gripes they might have had growing up.

I don't blame my parents for their poor parenting as they had a hard time as children themselves. I think that, beyond a certain point, blaming parents for everything and holding grudges is pointless and childish, and says more about the resentful child than the adult.

Our generation has been able to be more open handed, generous and tolerant with our offspring that that of our parents who often lived in straightened circumstances and with stricter parental control (and punishment) themselves. This easier and more spoilt existence has thrown up its own problems with the snowflake generation and its entitlement.

Given the desire of parents to put right the deficiencies of the previous cohort we will always be improving some areas and unwittingly adding some deficiencies of our own.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I brought up five children on not much money with a husband who took little interest in the family, or me either, but he worked very hard to support us as best he could.
I don’t really know what the four ‘home-grown’ children think of their upbringing, but I feel that they think I did a reasonable job.
I have had more feedback from my adopted daughter, who is now 53. I have always worried that her birth mother, who was 17 and forced to give her up, has been waiting for years for her to trace her. My DD has never shown the slightest interest in doing so. When I pressed her about it she told me that I had done a brilliant job of bringing her up, that I was her ‘real’ mum, as far as she was concerned, and she needed no other.
I was very touched, but it hasn’t stopped me feeling bad about her ‘other mum.’

With 2 lively boys I suspect they would say I was strict. I did wallop their backsides with a slipper at times if I could catch them as they ran past!!