I`m worried...daughter`s 3rd marriage

In my opinion marriage is essential when intending to have children but I imagine your daughter may be past that stage.
Does she really need to get married?
If I was in your place OP I would be suggesting they live together for a couple of years before taking the plunge.

Yes she is an adult but has been known to suffer when some choices are made.

Thats why there is concern ,we will never know the ins and outs but whats apparent is that you have been the strong foundation for your grandchildren as well as your daughter.
This is the weight of a mother and you are worthy of it.
Go along with it ,as you have been doing.
I always wonder does one have to remarry though. Without having time to heal and understand one's self better.
This fascination of the ideal perfect union and marriage.
How important it is that we as individuals learn to be content within ourselves. Companionship for me is a much more suitable choice a half way point till one is sure.
I really hope that this is what shes looking for and she has found her ideal partner.
It just might be .

Hi
This could almost be my own story with one of my daughters. Only difference is it’s me, that has lupus not my daughter.
She has 5 children across her marriages/ relationships. She has never spent one day without a man in her life.
Her new man seems ok too.
I made myself, ill being piggy in the middle, so now I tend not to talk to my other family about it and I don’t engage in their negativity.
I have just focused on being the stable force in My grandkid’s life. I don’t try and advice my daughter anymore. I do try and build her up, like I have done all her life. I just respect her choices then I, help her cope when she needs it. I have worked my life around making sure I am there for the kids (who are all quite messed up.) I do the school runs once a week and take them for their tea.( It has been restricted a bit this year I bring them to mine for weekends where it is quiet and clam (well as much as it can be with five kids in it) and I have them on a what’s app group so I can listen. I make sure I am always there if they need me. I help them out with things they need “ while mum focus on their love life. “
I have stopped making myself sick with worry because that changes nothing. I am just a positive force now. I encourage my grandkids and support them in their school work (I am a teacher) The children love her new guy but are fearful it won’t last.I just reassure them that I am still here (Covid allowing of course.)
I personality would go to the wedding but I wouldn’t pressure others to go.
In the end of the day, I think all you can do is what you are doing but look after you too. Happy new year.

I've come to the conclusion when the time comes for a 3rd marriage she will know what she wants. My cousin's 3rd marriage ended last year after 20 years (her longest). My school friend is still with her 3rd husband (possibly around 30 years? So wish her luck and happiness!!

I need some advice please. My husband, who is a very, very stubborn Yorkshireman, cannot stand our new daughter in law. My son, from a previous marriage, married our daughter in law nearly 5 years ago. They seem to be happy & in love. However, my husband simply refuses to have anything to do with my son’s wife. We live in Yorkshire & they live in Kent. This year for the first time, I did the 4 1/2 hr drive on my own, to go & see them in October, when we had that window of COVID opportunity to move around. How on earth do I continue with this marriage & this situation I find myself in? I’m in my late 60’s & my husband is 75 on Sat. This is causing me huge anxiety issues....which I’ve never had before. Help!!!

Everyone involved is more or less grown-up and can/will choose to make their own mistakes. The new guy might well be her soul mate - my first love was a long-distance relationship with us not seeing one another between him going back to his long-term GF out of duty, but we loved one another dearly for 25 years, until his death. Then I went through a disastrous rebound marriage working hard at making it work until I eventually gave up after 10 years and finally I met my current DH - 38 years later we're still best friends and lovers. Your DD may well have the happiness we've been blessed with (I hope so), and I do hope you, ideally her father and as many others as possible can/will attend to wish them well. Genuinely you can't interfere and it certainly isn't her children's place to criticise her choice. They should attend the wedding, wish them well and stay out of any ill-will.

rozzee, you’d be better starting your own thread. I’m sure you’ll get lots of helpful responses.
My own response would be there’s very little you can do at the moment, with all the restrictions. Are your son and DIL privy to how your husband feels? Presumably you’ve talked about this with him. What are his reasons for not liking her?
Please do start your own thread though, and all the best to you.

I have been married three times. My first two marriages were to men who cheated, and I had an awful time with them. I have been happy with my third husband for 25 years. He is much younger and from an ethnic minority background, and everybody said it wouldn't last but he is the kindest. most supportive person, so loving and caring. My sons were at university when I met him and were very worried and protective of me. They love him now, as do their children. Let your daughter live her life. She may have found the right person for her. Time will tell.

Once again, thankyou for your kind support. I will go to the wedding and stop asking hubby if he will go. It`s up to him and I shouldn't worry how much upset I know this will cause our daughter.

But telling me not to worry is good advice, but difficult to follow.

I do like my new son in law to be. He is kind, patient and caring and I am positive he will look after our daughter.

I will always be here for my family ...until I`m not!

A good friend of mine married for a 3rd time 8 years ago after 2 nasty divorces and has been very happy with DH no.3 so I hope for your DD it's 3rd time lucky

but tell her you will support her whatever she decides to do

OP does not have to support an adult who continues to make poor decision. The OP ha cleaned up enough of this woman’s mistakes.
Her children were not her priority previously so she can not keep expecting unending support.

Bibbity. We don’t know this third man is a ‘ poor decision’ yet. This marriage might be the making of her. It sounds like the grandchildren are grown up....young, but still grown. Hopefully, this time, things will work out, and the GC will learn valuable lessons from it hopefully. It’s very hard to just stop with your children, no matter how old, but I agree, as I said before, the OP has to put her well being first. It sounds like you’ve made your decision boodymum67, hope all goes well.

Maybe it will. But the OP and her children don’t need to have anything to do with it.

The daughter can make this decision and live with the outcome whatever it may be.

What lesson do the grandchildren need to learn. It’s very clear their mother has failed them at least in some capacity. She should’ve been their safe haven. Thankfully the OP was there to step up. She’s done more than enough.

Full marks to your daughter who has the faith to enter into another marriage. I really hope this works out well for her, and of course for her children and you.

I think you’ve just got to give as much support as possible to the whole family, and be there for them, without judging.

Agree with bibbity

Why did the second relationship end up badly?

It could be a case of the daughter picking the wrong man and the 3rd is not good either

Maybe this 3rd man is the blessing she needs..

Nothing much you can do, she is an adult

I'm on my third marriage, the first two being absolute disasters. Looking back, I can see that I was not ready to be married either time despite being in one of the relationships for 7 years before I married him. I was also suffering from emotional dysregulation which made me hard to live with and knowing that, I put up with abuse because I didn't think anyone else would put up with me.
When I met my third husband, on the face of it, he was a strange choice too. We were given 5 minutes because everyone said that when I asked for Coq au vin, he would be asking for chicken in that red sauce. Actually, he is nothing like that, he is kind, well educated and will not be manipulated. My mother was horrified when he gave me the confidence not to be manipulated too! It is our 25th wedding anniversary this year and we have been together 28 years. We struggled the first couple of years as I found my way through the problems I had and I worried myself sick that I had made another mistake but I can honestly say he is my soulmate.
I would encourage your grandchildren to attend because if this is the marriage to end all marriages (in a good way) it will start it on a better note. Starting with conflict with other members of the family will spoil it. Encourage your daughter to listen to her children's concerns calmly and tell them why she thinks this is different this time. It may well clarify her thinking. If you get the opportunity, encourage your daughter to think about when she first had warning signs that her previous relationships were wrong. You don't have to make any noise about her current relationship but if you can get her thinking about the warning signs, she might think carefully about her future actions. However, you will have to tread carefully, remain calm and not get into an argument about her choices because you will just push her further into her current pathway.
At the end of the day, you just have to accept her decisions and decide for yourself whether you will be there to pick up the pieces. I found myself being bally ragged into telling my sister what I thought when she was making a very obvious bad choice to someone 20 years younger who just wanted a passport. She was insistent she wanted me to be honest and foolishly I believed her. Actually, she really wanted my approval and when I fell headlong into the trap, I think I started the ruin of our relationship which has never recovered. Being right was no consolation in the long run to any of the parties involved.

Try before you buy? No need to rush into marriage these days is there?
However if your DD is determined to get married in times of Covid, you will just have to go along with it, no other choice really for you.I understand both you and the AC being wary of it all though.

Your daughter is happy, you say the man in kind and caring, then that is all we could hope for in a daughter's choice, be happy for her and help her enjoy her wedding. Your DH and her son are being short sighted, she will never forget that they didn't attend.

Some people just aren’t suited to marriage, and make the same mistakes over and over again. The suggestion of attending a pre-marriage counselling course, if they are available right now, is a good one. Likewise waiting for a while would do no harm, and perhaps allay the childrens’ worries as they get to know the new man better.
If you could put these ideas to both of them, in a tactful way, perhaps they will consider the it. Otherwise, all you can do is support them all and hope for the best.

Btw. Has the new man in her life been married before, or have children?

Three marriages ... it seems to me that your daughter is looking for something and not getting it. Perhaps she should go for counselling. Even though this current fiance seems to make her happy, how different is he from the others before they got married? I do hope it's 3rd time lucky. My dad didn't attend my wedding, citing his anxiety about the children my black husband and I might produce. Over the years he softened and in the end felt my husband was the bees knees and they got on really well. But I never really forgave the hurt and difficulty he caused my mum. It's a good thing you are going - she is your daughter and nothing is worth damaging that relationship. If the wedding happens in these strange times, enjoy it, drink champagne, eat well, wish them happiness and ignore the self important spite of those who don't attend.

Why the need to get married? Especially after 2 broken marriages. Live together for a while.

Your DH and her son are being short sighted, she will never forget that they didn't attend

That does work both ways! She has done things that they haven’t forgotten. She can’t then shrug her shoulders and say forget about the past and be happy I’m doing it again and expect everyone to jump for joy.

A lovely friend of mine married for the third time after two disastrous first marriages. She had three children, two by the first and one by the second. Her third marriage continues to be a joy and a great success, it can happen.

There is always a third way- living together . Then they will see whether they are suited or not when the rose coloured specs are forgotten. Explain to her that although you like her new man you are worried and please to give it more time before she takes the big step of getting married. He will understand if he really loves her.