No help, no gift so we are skiing

Good for you!

Damn right.

Excellent idea Secondhandrose.

👍🏻

To use one of my Mum’s sayings…you’ve made a rod for your own back. I hope you enjoy your well deserved holiday then come home and start as you mean to go on. No more clearing up after lazy adults who are taking advantage of you. My youngest grandchild is 7 and he clears his plate from the table when he’s finished.

Darned right. Tell them how you paid for the holiday too!

Why did you not say 'you are clearing the table and you are stacking the dishwasher and you can make us a coffee before you hoover the carpet'?
You have only yourselves to blame for allowing this situation to develop.
Part time students still sponging off parents.

Unfortunately we have ongoing daughter issues and our son has sever adhd and triggers very easily. All very difficult. We have dealt with it in a quiet way that suits us. No need for rows on Christmas Day - says she popping to do more skiing (spending the kid’s inheritance!).

so will you be skiing + skiing, or without?

Being a part-time student and also having jobs but not paying you any rent or helping around the house? Seriously? You can only expect replies on here to tell you that you aren't doing your adult kids any favours by spoiling/ruining them like this. Go skiing, you and your husband, have a lovely time, then come home, formulate a plan for each of your sponging kids, giving them a timeframe for staying with your rent free and from a date in the very near future they start to pay you rent. Give them a rent book each which they may find helpful when/if they need to claim some benefits.

Well, if you have learned to deal with 'it' in a quiet way that suits you, why are you complaining?

I’m not complaining, DH and I are more than happy.

Your opening post certainly came over as complaining and punishing your children. The others are quite right in their responses.

Why if they both have part-time jobs, and presumably students' grants as well, are they not paying rent?

Or as a basic minimum instead doing allotted household tasks.

I would give them both notice at once. You and your husband are enabling them to remain teenagers and not mature into responsible adults by letting them behave like this.

Glad to hear that you are going to use money on yourselves instead of on presents for them, but that is not really the point here, is it?

I sympathise SHR. Our lads are so different. Two will always help unasked. The others need to be asked and then will do it- it's as if they don't notice there are things to be done! In future just ask them to do a or b and see how things go.

However do you expect your AC to cope in the outside world if you don't guide them now? They could at least help with household chores and clearing the table after a meal ranks amongst the basic of tasks. Reap what you sow.

Looking at this from a non-emotional perspective, one would have to assume that these students who are holding down part-time jobs will, by default, be assigned tasks by their employers. They get paid for compliance. Which proves they are capable (if not exactly happy) to do work.

Now it’s time to expect them to row in at home too. They are perfectly able to do so but they might not like to.

Perhaps offer them T&C at home to choose? Either (a) they help out more - give them specific tasks that they are expected to perform as they must do for their employers or (b) the other option is to pay rent.

It’s time they segued into the real world.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Well, you say you’re not complaining, but your first post suggests otherwise, or, at the very least disappointment - a small gift “would have been lovely”, asking for help would have “been met with resistance”. Goodness, they aren’t young children, they are adults, but are behaving rather like over indulged children.
You also say they haven’t lifted a finger to help - but have you created this situation by not encouraging them to pull their weight, by not having boundaries and by not fostering a mutual respect? You say you have ongoing daughter issues and your son has adhd, but you know that you can’t allow the situation you have to continue unchallenged - you do them no favours by not giving them some responsibilities. They can’t go on in life living responsibility free for ever - they need to understand that life doesn’t come gift wrapped, all organised and done in a nice package from someone else. You won’t always be around, how on Earth will they cope then without having learned the importance of some independence, some respect and the knowledge that they need to know how to get by in life? They will meet people who will not be as willing to let them sit back and be waited on - they may well encounter strong resistance and be told in no uncertain terms that self centred, selfish behaviour won’t be tolerated - a steep learning curve. You could go some way to mitigate that by becoming a little stricter yourself. It will be hard, but what’s the alternative?

Good on you, great decision.

Going by your introductory comment, £100 seems very generous to me.

Hmmm, so on Christmas Day at 1:40 in the afternoon, you change the amount of gift you were going to give your kids because they didn't help with dishes or give a gift?

Although these kids seem very entitled and uncaring, I'm not sure your reaction is the right way to handle it. You were hurt and reacted in my mind a bit spitefully.

I would have said something to them, and made future plans to go away next Christmas.

CanadianGran, I don't see it as spiteful - at all. They get free board so £100 is quite generous enough.

However, of course, by not helping, they're behaving in exactly the way you allow them to behave - so, perhaps, you have only yourselves to blame?

Hetty, I agree it was a rather large amount in the first place, but I don't think I would have changed my mind mid-day on Christmas. I don't gift my grown kids that amount.

Our son has severe ADHD (diagnosed and medicated) and I think high functioning autism (undiagnosed). He can do nothing on the spur of the moment. He is extremely self righteous and has been told when his course ends he will need to find a new home. He does not have a student grant as had one previously - not paid off.