My mother is another who believes that her “opinion” holds weight against peer-reviewed research. She is firmly on the side of nature in the nature v nurture side of the debate. Whilst the evidence is heavily weighted in favour of nurture, her position is that she knew someone who had a terrible childhood and they turned out just fine.
Firstly, even if that were true, they are the exception, not the rule. For example, everyone claims to know someone who smoked 40 cigarettes a day and lived to 100. But the vast majority of people who did smoke 40 cigarettes a day die younger due to smoking related complications and illnesses.
The alternative would be to concede that in fact most mental health problems in adults can be traced back to childhood. And if that includes what she believes to be “lesser” problems such as anxiety, depression, low self esteem, bad relationship choices etc, what does that say about her and her parenting. And what does that say about her own idyllic childhood which she claims to have had and her idealised memories of her own past.
Denial runs deep. What began as a coping mechanism is now so intrinsically linked to her own survival.
As a woman who has been and is unable to accept responsibility or apologise for anything that has truly warranted an apology on her part, it is no surprise that she clings to the side of nature. All the issues in her family are down to genes. Everyone was just born that way. There is no correlation. There is no responsibility to be taken.
We do not have a good relationship. In fact, at this point, we don’t even have a relationship. Of course, our lack of relationship is my fault.
Most people do not have the understanding that I do about our lack of relationship, so it makes sense for them to believe that I am an uncaring daughter. And that’s fine. People like straightforward cause and effect. The truth is that these matters are complex. Much more complicated than your child cutting contact for no reason or because of their partner.
So if a poster is unwilling to take any responsibility (not even a little) for the current state of their relationship with their child, then you better believe the matter is more complex than it appears. And with denial thrown into the mix, almost always impossible to resolve.