Why do our adult children do this to us?

Starblaze -- I think things get blurred because my 'mom' is 100% responsible for her actions/being abusive. I am zero percent responsible for her abusive behavior.

Meeting half-way or 50/50 to make a new/healthy relationship isn't what she really wants. I am not available to be a Scapegoat and that is who/what she wants back.

Ah HH maybe that explains it then. Being 100% responsible for your own behaviour is not the same as being 100% responsible for a relationship breaking down though just by the reasoning that it takes 2 to make a relationship and the starting point when working out anything is 50/50... Unless we are talking about minors

Starblaze -- I think that's where self-reflection/self honesty would perhaps change estrangement situations. I think I'd call it a 'dose of reality'.

Me -- "Mom, what do you want?"

Mom -- "Things back to the way 'they were'."

Me -- "You know that's not okay for Me, right?"

Mom -- "But it was always 'okay' before."

Me -- "I've changed and grown and the 'old ways' are not 'okay' anymore."

Mom -- "But what about Me and MY feelings???"

Me -- "We can talk about those after we talk about Me and MY feelings."

Mom -- stunned silence like, "How dare YOU have 'feelings'? And putting them before MINE???"

There was a 'mom' like mine on Dr. Phil a couple of days ago. One daughter had more or less gone NC (after 'mom' ruined her wedding), son was floating around and youngest daughter was in the 'begging to be heard' mode.

Even after Dr. Phil explained/told 'mom' more then once, "We get 'hurt people' hurt people. You've hurt your kids. Until you hear their hurt? They don't want to hear more about yours."

And she went back to the "buts" and the kids were like, "Stop blaming US and own your behavior."

I doubt she will and then she'll have 3 EAC and still be asking 'why'. I'd tell her, "Watch the show. Watch it over and over and over until you DO." It was so my reality...

I'd send it to my 'family' but they would watch it and say, "Well clearly SHE is the issue 'but' I'm not like 'that'..." Always the 'but'...

I think things get blurred because my 'mom' is 100% responsible for her actions/being abusive. I am zero percent responsible for her abusive behavior

Absolutely, no child is responsible for their parents abusive behaviour. Just to be clear, I was not saying that any child is responsible, in my earlier post.

I was referring to your earlier reference Holy Hannah to EPs and 50%.

Madgran -- I think it goes without saying that anyone who thinks a child is responsible/to blame for being abused as a minor needs A LOT of "help".

Even when I have read of clearly abusive parents, they still manage to make it sound like the abuse they dealt out WAS somehow their child's fault. Like the 'mom' who purposefully left her daughter (10 YEARS OLD) at the local store to "teach her a lesson" and because the child was not affectionate enough/didn't care about 'mom's feelings.

Again, the dysfunctional thinking there is shocking and the parent was baffled by her daughter having 'mental conditions' and for going NC.

The mentality was, "I want daughter/minor child to care about my feelings and to make her care I'm going to abandon her and show her how much I care about her." and the amount 'mom' is demonstrating she 'cares' is by driving away on/abandoned her child because the child wasn't being a 'kid' correctly to 'mom's mind.

People like my 'mom' want love/affection but they never actually give that, even to their minor child and when the child realizes this? What is the result likely to be?

We stop caring. Just like the older daughter on Dr. Phil. Until the EAC feels listened to or their feelings taken into account, reconciliation is not going to occur. If the parent says they are 'listening' and their AC is still NC then it's a good bet the EAC doesn't share that view.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yogagirl You are correct, I am not estranged, but I do have considerable experience of supporting those who are and I try hard to be helpful, using that experience. Other personal experiences which I wont go into, also mean that I find it helpful to see and hear about the perspectives of estranged GPs as it helps me personally with some potential issues.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Quotes a deleted post.

get let
I havnt posted too soon.

I was wondering how you're doing Polly and hope you've found some of the comfort and understanding you were looking for.

Never underestimate the role that controlling, manipulative and abusive partners can have in many estrangement cases.

Stay strong and take care.

Madgran As said before, your & other non co'd posters are welcome and their comments are interesting to us estranged GP, as are those from sympathetic AC who have empathy for us on this support page & have some positive input. But Madgran you do seem to support the estranging AC on here.

Gransnet seems only to delete the post from EGP that have been posting for near 8yrs on this support page, the AC doing the estrangement & saying the most upsetting things to us are left to say whatever they like. Why is that GNHQ? This forum is called Gransnet for grandparents. Mumsnet is a forum for mums, which I wouldn't post on as not applicable to me & not aimed at grandparents, as Gransnet is not aimed at mums. So I asked why mums are posting on this support page for grandparents & not on mumsnet aimed at & for them, with like minded mums that would support what they are saying, unlike on here. No sensible answer! So we are left to wonder WHY? What do you get out of it?

Gransnet seems only to delete the post from EGP that have been posting for near 8yrs on this support page, the AC doing the estrangement & saying the most upsetting things to us are left to say whatever they like. Why is that GNHQ?

Your post was deleted because it went against the forum guidelines, not because you are an estranged EP. Here is a link which details why your post will have been deleted.

www.gransnet.com/info/netiquette

This forum is called Gransnet for grandparents. Mumsnet is a forum for mums, which I wouldn't post on as not applicable to me & not aimed at grandparents, as Gransnet is not aimed at mums.

You would be most welcome on Mumsnet. There are plenty of grandparents posting on there. Grandparents are still mums and their experiences are valuable.

So I asked why mums are posting on this support page for grandparents & not on mumsnet aimed at & for them, with like minded mums that would support what they are saying, unlike on here. No sensible answer! So we are left to wonder WHY? What do you get out of it?

Starblaze answered this question for you yesterday on another thread.

I would also add that on Mumsnet, posters wouldn’t just support what someone is saying simply because they are a mum. Mumsnet offers a wealth of views from people from different backgrounds, with different viewpoints/opinions and with different life experiences. There is much disagreement and debate.

Both Mumsnet and Gransnet are open forums, not closed support groups. No one owes anyone an explanation as to why they chose to post where they do.

But Madgran you do seem to support the estranging AC on here

I don’t think that is a fair thing to say to Madgran.

In my view, Madgran responds to and interacts with posters based on the content of their posts, not on whether they identify as an EP or EAC.

She should not have to take “sides”.

Yes I agree MrsW I don't see a bias towards EAC from Madgran

Besides, all EAC here on gransnet have given clear accounts of abuse. People who have suffered abusive childhoods and are working to heal and break the cycle are some of the bravest, most incredible people I know. Who wouldn't want to offer support for that?

OK maybe not all EAC, but 99%

For the love of percentages lately lol

I don’t think that is a fair thing to say to Madgran.

In my view, Madgran responds to and interacts with posters based on the content of their posts, not on whether they identify as an EP or EAC.

She should not have to take “sides”.

Thankyou Mrs Warren

Hithere- you are just being plain nosey and prying.

Yogagirl I replied to your same post on the support thread so will leave it there

I still think percentages are pointless!

Lol Madgran was a bad joke that one.

Hope you are ok

Madgran77

*I don’t think that is a fair thing to say to Madgran.*

In my view, Madgran responds to and interacts with posters based on the content of their posts, not on whether they identify as an EP or EAC.

She should not have to take “sides”.

Thankyou *Mrs Warren*

No problem. It’s not okay to single someone out like that, especially for no reason whatsoever. Just a lot of nonsense really.

Madgran77

I still think percentages are pointless!

100% agree!

MrsW has all the good jokes today lol

Lol Madgran was a bad joke that one

Saw the joke Starblaze, bad indeed

No problem. It’s not okay to single someone out like that, especially for no reason whatsoever. Just a lot of nonsense really.

Actually, I change my mind. Not for no reason whatsoever, but because you do not appear to be taking the correct “side”.