Things to avoid saying to an estranged parent

Iam64

Namsnanny, I’ve heard the things you feel expressed many times. People ask how many children you had, then ask what they’re all doing now. It can be easier to reduce the numbers so avoid talking about sensitive, very personal things with a stranger.

We tend to just brush over it, and say everyone is doing ok thanks.

If we go out, we don't want to sit talking estrangement anyway, so easier to avoid it.

Luckily, most of our friends were, originally, my friends from way back, so they generally only ask after my two.

And, as they are still in touch with my kids on social media, there's not much they don't know anyway,?

I think what's confused people vs is you started a thread about things to avoid saying to EP's but didn't actually mention any. You said you couldn't find a comparable list which seems a bit odd.

Perhaps a more considered title to this thread would have been 'To all EP's, what things would you like people to avoid saying'.
I'm not suggesting it was you intention to do so, but some feel this thread was started to try and catch people out, and I can understand why.

The second time we visited our DS in Aus. DL was for Christmas and he and our then d.i.l. arranged for us to go to a Jazz Club for Christmas Eve, with some friends of theirs and one set of parents.

It was still relatively early days and the mother asked if DS was an only child and without thinking I said yes. As soon as the words were spoken I thought OMG what if she knows he has a brother, she'll think I'm a fruit cake.

She instantly saw by the look in my face that something was wrong and asked if I was OK. I said I felt very foolish and without going into detail explained that he had a brother, but he'd estranged us and it just seemed easier to say DS was the
only one.

This woman who'd I'd met 10 minutes earlier. put her arm around me and said 'oh families, really there are times when I think we'd all be better off without them'. I can't tell you how relieved I was that she, for reasons I'll never know, understood.

That is a shame, it must be difficult to think that way all the time..

I'll add the thread to my hide list, I've read and understood what EPs consider should be avoided so I think it's best I turn it over to you

No it isn't difficult vs it is what it is and does come in handy from time to time. No need to turn this thread over to anyone, just seems really odd that you started it in the first place.

Weird

Apologies for the one word post. I tend to agree with namsnanny at 13.15 yesterday in feeling this
OP could be seen as not well meant.
The ‘turn it over to you’ comment can also be perceived positively or negatively. I believe estrangement hurts everyone. I find the us/them tone of many of the estrangement threads very sad

I find it sad too Iam, that said there have been some lovely compassionate and supportive exchanges on this estrangement forum over the past few days.

Hopefully we can go from strength to strength and this will continue.

I agree with every word of your post @ 21.03 Iam64, and have thought the same myself, as, clearly, have others.

I find the us/them tone of many of the estrangement threads very sad

So do I Iam64

I genuinely thought this would be a good/productive and helpful thread that people would appreciate.

I can't seem to hide it so I have asked gransnet to remove it

Well that seems a shame for everyone who has taken to time to post here vs, you don't have to read it whether it's hidden or not.

I don’t understand why It should be deleted.

I've asked GNHQ if it can stay as it seems a shame for it to be deleted when people have gone to the trouble of posting. I've seen nothing to suggest that it hasn't been productive and helpful, quite the opposite really.

I don't like the comments questioning if I have some sort of ill intent, if you are happy to ask for those to be removed instead and the comments agreeing then I will feel more comfortable

I've read both the "list" threads, and I can't see the problem.?

Whatever anyone's intent may or may not have been, both of the threads have been civil, respectful and polite, with people telling of their different experiences, and their own ways of coping with estrangement.

I'm not clear why you might think estranged children have been caused extra hurt - we are all talking of our own families, not of anyone else.

If a thread makes you uncomfortable, then just don't read it.

No need to delete anything.?

My neighbour was chatting to me this morning about her estranged son, and so, with this thread in mind, I asked her what she wished people would avoid saying to her. She said, the worst thing for her is when someone says "Oh, they'll be back when the want something". Because that's the thing she dreads most; that they'll want more money and cause havoc in the family if it's refused.

I too hope that this thread remains; it's been an interesting exchange of thoughts and experiences from both sides of the estrangement lens and thanks to the many contributions, I've learnt a lot so perhaps we should let others speak for themselves and allow what people say to stand.

I too hope that this thread remains; it's been an interesting exchange of thoughts and experiences from both sides of the estrangement lens and thanks to the many contributions, I've learnt a lot so perhaps we should let others speak for themselves and allow what people say to stand

I agree Chewbacca it would be a shame for it to go.

I think that would be best too Chewbacca and am glad this thread is still here.

When we were first estranged, there was some comfort to be found in people saying 'he'll be back' because in the beginning we thought he would be, and could never in our worst nightmare, have envisaged still being estranged more than 9,5 years later.

I understand what your neighbour was saying because I now feel the same way. Not because there'd be requests for money, but because I honestly don't think I could ever have a relationship with him again.

The estrangement almost destroyed us both physically and emotionally/mentally, and I don't think either of us would have the strength to come through it a second time.

The trust has gone and even if it could to some extent be rebuilt, I don't believe that my fear of it happening again would ever leave me, and I can't live like that.

So s/he'll be back is another one to add to the list.

I only had the option to have it removed once it fell off the active list

But I don't need to now

So glad this thread is genuinely wanted and now doing what was intended

That's why I asked GNHQ not to delete it.

When anyone says to us that "he'll be back" in respect of my stepson, I run and silently scream somewhere.?

We know it'll be for money, and it'll start again.?

We had a brief flurry of texts last week, which we have just ignored and deleted, and silence since, (??), but I'm on edge with how long the peace will last.?

It's horrible to feel on edge DL which is why I can't ever see us having a relationship with our ES ever again.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

The thread was genuinely made to fill a need that was communicated and as a way to improve relationships here

I don't think that saying that anything posted here by an EP has been said through a lens of guilt Badger is appropriate, necessary, particularly helpful or true in relation to this thread, or any other thread they post on.