Narcissists are boring

Doodledog

I don't think they can move on, OaU. Crocodiles won't seek therapy as they don't know that there is an alternative to being a crocodile, and for them there really isn't.

It's not an excuse, but an explanation. The best thing is to stay away as much as possible, but when it's family or when you have to work closely (or whatever) with one, all you can try to do is switch off from it.

Yes, you're right Doodle dog. I was forgetting and judging them on my standards. That's something I fall down in when I forget that not everyone has my standards. Not everyone is capable of love and care.

Narcs are boring. I'm BORED of always being "wrong" even when I'm not.

Im NC and it's great.

Allsorts

Any child from an abusuve relationship, a narcissist that plays with your head, physical abuse, should walk away for their own mental health. No one chooses to whom they are born and that family has total control over you for years. You have to recognise your helplessness in such a situation, equally seek to understand rather be understood by those parents. They are not changing because they can't. .Some adults, regrettably have children that are impossible, those children rule and make home a totally unhappy place one crisis after another.

I get that they can't change. But I also forget that they can't, if that makes sense?

We do judge people on our own standards, at least I am guilty of it. I don't mind change or admitting I'm wrong (but only if I actually am! LOL)

I have had a minimal relationship with my mother for years because I realise she can't change. She is broken and always will be. A victim of her own circumstances that breaks everything she comes into contact with. She does not want help, she wants attention and does not care how bad the drama is that she uses to make everything all about her. She cannot love. She pretends to, but she cannot. She cannot be responsible for her own decisions because it's "everyone else's fault, but hers" in her eyes.

To have a mother with this disorder and now a son who also treats me like this, is beyond belief- and I am really bored of the abuse and drama. According to my son I am the narc. I am NC with him and my life is peaceful because of the drama he was creating.

From now on I will concentrate of healthy, reciprocal relationships with friends and family who are NOT narcs. I am sorry for anyone who understands what I'm saying because we're in the same boat. Life goes on- and it can become more peaceful.

I accept what I cannot change (narcs) and I change myself.

PS According to my mother I am the problem as well. I was scapegoated from an early age. I have gone through terrible depression and suicide attempts due to things she has said and done.

I see through it all now (but have wasted many years thinking it was me). Life's too precious to be with people who devalue and attack you when there are kind, good and reciprocal people in the world to be friends with. I would say to anyone in this situation: BE with people who accept you as you are, don't be with people who tolerate you or abuse you.

Yes Allsorts there are people forced to estrange a child commenting on this thread

It is only when you get to true understanding you can move on.
If you can recognise either they or you can’t change and it’s not possible to have a relationship as every time you meet you feel upset and hurt, what life is that.? I recognise that something I must have done or said at sometime must have had a very negative impact on my d, she won’t and doesn’t want to resolve anything, I want her happy, finally accept that will never be, never the less I really want her happy before anything, I can manage now as I am.

It's been helpful for me to read the above. I've posted else thread as I'm currently getting out of an abusive relationship with someone I def believe has strong Narc traits.Q and A in head as to why I got caught up in it and about my own Mum, who has not been with us since 2006.

Narc? No. Lacked the bitterness or degree of blame.

But my abiding feeling is that I existed to make HER happy and OK as I grew up. That was my role, that was the necessity to get the care I needed as a child. Not to cry, not to be angry, be a happy-happy healthy OK child. And to take on the abiding family messages about What Life Was For. To disagree was to betray. One sought approval and hugs were short on the ground.
I know why: good reasons, including her own father taking his own life when she got engaged! Long forgiven. My sister has long said, she was incapable of understanding me and as the eldest I got it very full on as, 1950's style, I was nose to nose with her for the 5 years until school.

As a very depressed teenager it was so NOT OK (I did try to ask her for help, no go, it was "chin up").

Returning to separating from current nearly Ex, it does not surprise me that I was vulnerable to the early full on "love bombing" so he became the centre of my universe and after that I was hooked on trying to make things OK for him, until a crisis came and his mask dropped.

The degrees of expressed hatred, blame, maliciousness were something I'd never met before, for although my Mum was needy and opinionated, and was never at fault as she never had adequate self-awareness, she did not turn to bitterness thank goodness.

As she had a breakdown when my Dad died when I was 19 I just carried on trying to get her approval and love but kept my own difficulties away from her. My tougher sister, who as a child had both a twin and a more normal start (nursery from young, more "real world" start) sort of looked after her without getting too pulled in.

It's so sad to estrange a child, but I finally understand it's necessary now. If I didn't stop talking to him I would just be allowing him to verbally abuse me for hours and continue to control me, never knowing where I stand because he would never make any plans to see us. If there hadn't been GC involved I probably wouldn't have put up with what I did. I will miss GC, but I won't miss being treated like that. A stranger at a bus stop would be kinder than my own child.

So sorry VS, Allsorts and Wyllow3, it's so painful isn't it. I've had the N Mum, the N ex Partner and now one N Child. In the end I learned to change myself because I knew they would not change and I'm thankful that I have a healthy marriage to a good man, a lovely balanced child who is not an N and my Mother is too batty these days to be able to do much harm. It has been really, really hard but I think it might get easier now I have actually distanced. I have more life behind me than I have ahead of me and most of it has been extremely painful. I hope my next 20 years can be free of N nonsense and that by the time I am a vulnerable old lady I can feel safe in my home knowing that my N son will not come and batter me.

It's the worst bond to have break x

Yes it is!

All I did really was let him have the last word and never reply. It's been a month now. I am sad but it's been a lot more peaceful than taking abuse. x