Make us laugh [grin]

I saw this ad in a shop window ... FOR SALE - TV SET - VOLUME STUCK FULL ON - £10 ... I thought, 'I can't turn that down'

GOLF BALLS
A man got on the bus with both of his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

pompa
That's another tee shirt I've got to change from spluttering coffee everywhere!

A coffee joke just for LoopLou

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."

He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Voltarol for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!"

BOOM BOOM !

Just told DH that and he's laughing too!

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
.
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
'
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,"a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

PPPPP

Those jokes made me laugh but i have just noticed the date
i would like to write a joke, but lets face it there is bugger all to
laugh about at the moment

Little boy is sent outside to tell Dad tea is ready. Dad is mending the car.

Boy comes back and Mum asks, 'Did Daddy say what's wrong with the car?'
'Yes,' he replies, 'it's got some cake stuck in it.'

When Dad comes in, Mum asks him about this.
'Oh,' he laughs, 'he asked me if it was a hard job to fix and I said, no, it's a piece of cake.'

Lady reaches the checkout in the supermarket.
Checkout girl says, as she gets out the credit card "Strip down, facing me"
They asked to take her business elsewhere

Heads up - this thread has not been posted on for over a year.
Why not start a new thread instead?

Okay, it's been a while since anyone posted here - will try and shake things up.
I live in Blackpool (it's true) and there's a strange woman in my street who doesn't speak to any neighbours. We know she has a job but it's difficult to say exactly what she does..., apparently, she sell sea shells by the sea shore...
GBUK

bugger all to laugh about at the moment
robbymax Try this!
A young 23 year old lady marries an 83 year old man. Now every night in bed she feels old age creeping on!

Rufus - You're back! Where have you been?

Rufus Welcome back

I was wonderin wy the frisbee was gettin bigger..... Then it hit me..... ??????

I vaguely remember the one-liner about the man who farted in a lift - it was wrong on so many levels!

I can't stand stairs. They're always up to something.

Not the best joke, and I know this is an old thread, but I think we need cheering up just now!

My wife calls me Grandpa Jo.My name is not Jo.My wife has a pet name for herself which she shouts/screams out loud when my grandaughter visits.Not sure if this is funny to other people but just thought I'd put it out there.

Sorry it’s long. Stick with it.
When four of Santa's Elves got sick, the trainee Elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
??When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it"..????
And thus began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas Tree.?
(Not a lot of people know this).

I was so bored

I swapped the wrappers around in a tub of Celebrations

The wife's not happy, she got her Snickers in a Twix

This was my 7 year old daughter's favourite joke, 50 years ago. She used to curl up when saying it!

What did the picture say to the wall?

"I've been framed!"

Happy Christmas all !

Several years ago I was in a bar with several mates, mostly men who were usually very funny. I was always a bit on the quiet side. Well they were talking about a woman who did a parachute jump with a man behind her holding on to her. One of the guys said ' what would you say to someone whilst you were on your way down'? So I said quietly, ' I suppose a bonk's out of the question ' ? They all burst out laughing.

I've just noticed how old this post is !!!!