I need your prayers!!!

Cagsy There are fantastic updates. Have you seen Nannynoo's latest thread. Don't know how to link to a thread but it is called:

"He's here.."

Nannynoo,
I can't imagine what you are going through or how torn you must be, you love them both and both are so needy - and you only have so much to give. I pray that God will be close, give you strength, give your DD the courage she needs to face up to her problems and that your lovely grandchild's life will be filled with love.
You sound one amazing woman
Cagsy x

Hi Rachy I hope yours comes to a happy ending SOON , the quicker she is with you the BETTER , believe me , not just to end our suffering of missing them but for THEIR sake

Sounds like yours will go nice and smoothly , mine didn't at first for the first 8 months unfortunately , but I can't change that now but so glad my GS got his happy ending , or beginning! xx

You will do fine I reckon x

Hello nannynoo, I am going thru the same process to get my granddaughter. I know exactly how u feel. I hope we both get our happy ending very soon. My GD is only 4 and as I live 400 miles away it's breaking my heart knowing she is in foster care. SW has been to assess me and has recommended me, they now are sending an independent SW to see me. It's a very tough process but we have to be strong for our grandchildren.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I am just thinking about a little boy with FEELINGS in the middle of all this!

I will pray for you all X

I know she is learning as she goes long , but JEEZ!!! lol

Am trying to get along with the foster carer as much as possible and am glad about that BUT today she said her nephew said ''You now have 3 children'' ( Not sure who he said the other two were but he said their names and then the name of my GS too )

Now I am NOT upset at a child for saying that at all , just the fact ;

1/ She didn't correct him and say that my GS was NOT her child but that she was looking after him for someone else / another family for a while

and 2/ That she chose to TELL us that , like she has got 3 children now , including my GS

Thankfully my DD didn't get upset as she said it to both of us together but to say she has been told she has 3 children ( including my DD's child / my GS ) and for her not to correct those ''facts'' I don't find it acceptable to be honest and ANOTHER family might have not taken it so nicely!

She has NOT got three children if she wants to include my GS , she is TEMPORARILY CARING for him which does not mean she ''has my GS'' as her child , maybe am being touchy but how you word things and what you disclose to the family and for WHAT REASON ( one which I cannot comprehend ) do you disclose those things?

Another Mum may have bitten her head off if she had said that about their child and it was like she was agreeing with the statement , endearing from an innocent child , not so much from a foster carer to two family members without saying she gently put him right factually not went along with it and then disclose it to the family like it was a 'fact' which went undisputed

Am going to ignore it obviously but it does upset me and I go to the contact centre CHEERFUL even though my heart is BREAKING and ACHING but that does not mean it does not have an affect on me having someone else look after my GS and she is cheerful too but I guess she has NO IDEA of the pain I ( and his Mum ) are in , yet a little sensitivity wouldn't go amiss especially in the job she is in!

I am a bit angry as I was a bit hurt and could do without any extra hurt in regards to my GS right now

( He actually said you have 3 children , 3 dogs and a hamster now and she may have 2 children , 3 dogs and a hamster but she does not 'have' my GS as her child ) I know my GS has very much become part of the family but they do have to remember that HE ISN'T and they ALL will probably miss him as he gets together with the extended family a LOT but she does need to prepare the whole of the family for him leaving too , she may have some very upset nephews etc when my GS leaves if she allows them to think he is part of the family now!

And once again I am thinking about her family being upset when my heart is actually ruddy BREAKING being away from my GS but she is not considering or even being understanding of THAT , surely any foster carer must understand how hard it is for the family members who are away from their much loved one like this and be SENSITIVE to it? It could also be part of their training??

Thank you so much , the frustration is EXTREME now as is the pain and therefore the anger BUT I HAVE to work with them , want to work with them TOGETHER for the best interests of my GS

I see no reason why he cannot be here

I know I can and will look after him WELL

I KNOW he will be happy and secure here and SAFE of course

It is simply red tape now it seems or yes , reluctance to take any chances but they took a 'chance' with me for the 6 days and that was rubber stamped

They must have known he would be safe here and at no risk of any harm etc and they also know how WELL it went and that he is pining for me now and wanting to be here

There is no longer any reason for him to be where he is , no need as the same level of care and protection will be in place , even more so as I love him and he will NOT be coming into contact here with anyone who is an alcoholic etc whereas there are now 2 relaplsed family members in the foster carers family not just 1 and am still not pleased they spend 5 hours with my GS when my DD is only allowed 2 under strict supervision , if that , and now if she relapses they STOP her contact

Anyway , am not going to use this against them I want him to be placed here on MY merits , my BENEFIT to my GS , without a doubt in their mind that they are doing the right thing and to have a nice , secure placement with a good care plan in place etc and us all work TOGETHER as I feel that is what is BEST for my GS

I am sure that is POSSIBLE

Nannynoo so much useful advice from knowledgeable GNetters. I do really feel for your frustration. What a difficult situation! Can only offer virtual (((hugs))). Thinking of you and your little DGS.

Yes she does not know where I live and I do intend to keep it that way , she even said it was a plus so that SS don't have to worry as she knows it is going to be a long , difficult process for her to recover

At least with my GS with me we can both be actually HAPPY

You said a while ago that your DD does not know where you now live. Will that continue to be so?
You are, of course, concerned for her but she needs to take responsibility for herself.
I really hope things get sorted out soon, for the sake of your DGS and also for you.

I sent an e-mail to the SW saying I want to work with the department as I wanted them to know that I would NOT take my GS if my DD placed him with me WITHOUT their back up

I was also wondering if we could just go straight for an SGO WHILE he is here if that is possible? With a good contact arrangement in place?

There needs to be security for my GS and I do want that too! But also balanced with us 'doing it together' and she knows and agrees with the reasons I want him here ASAP

( Also the fact that my DD is not doing too well at rehab means there has to be MORE security in place!! )

I don't feel the rehab my DD is in as secure as it needs to be for her

When I visited her there on a Saturday afternoon there were NO staff there , most of the residents were out and so they can drink whenever they like although they have to be 'buddied' if they need to go to the shop

Pretty much all the residents relapse , even together , some pop pills as well , get banned for a week and then come back , there are sneaky ways they can drink and sober up before they are tested etc and she may well need a more secure unit which of course she says she doesn't want - But it beats PRISON

Her court case has been adjourned till August so lets see what happens between now and then as am not sure if this rehab is 'working' yet even a stricter unit may not 'work'

I need a secure place and arrangement for my GS to thrive in x

To be honest I would like the security of court involvement in place re contact etc

I feel I would then have good back up if my DD ever got abusive etc and she would know if she steps out of line the contact order can be CHANGED which in turn would make her more respectful etc

It has to be CLEAR to her re consequenses for actions , there is more security with that as in if she went off the rails it would be quicker to get back on track again with CONSEQUENSES in place ie the possibility of having her contact changed , but I do need legal back up for that if possible

I think currently the recent SHOCK of being told it may not be till AFTER the full 12 week assessment that my GS would be placed is what HIT ME ... After being told they are looking to bring it FORWARD from July which of course I was hoping meant JUNE

Even with not quite knowing if I am coming or going at present lol I DO still feel inside that this IS the last leg of the race still , it might not be as soon as I thought or hoped but I still feel it WILL be fairly soon and that I am ''nearly there'' xx

Just going to keep solidly plodding onwards as I have done all along , with all the troughs and peaks along the way!!

It's good that the sw seems to have no doubt about the fact he should be with you nannynoo. Nightowl has a lot of experience of people in your situation, where care proceedings haven't occurred. My more recent work was with families where care proceedings had been started. In the course of that work I came across a number of grandparents who'd had a child placed with them on a voluntary basis but then been left with no parental responsibility or support/financial package. This left them trying to manage contact arrangements with their adult children, who had drug or alcohol problems meaning they were unreliable, sometimes verbally or physically aggressive etc. As a result of the court's involvement with the brothers and sisters of those children, we were able to make sure the local authority took on formal responsibility by including the children with no orders in SGO arrangements.
It is so complicated and you've managed so well for so long. As night owl says you're in the final stretch now. Have a look at the Family Rights Group website, google the grandmother who wrote the article I mentioned. You may find some friends on line who have had similar experiences. Have a good weekend and best wishes for next week.

One day I really believe that I will

I still , of course , would like it to be SOON x

I want to THANK SS after all this for stepping in and giving this family the support / help / back up it needed in a time of real crisis

I also want to THANK the foster carer for giving us the respite we needed

I am not willing to work AGAINST them

I don't think that is in anyones best interests

I want this to be a ''successful case'' ie family was in crisis after 3 bereavements in a short place of time including a baby , dealing with 2 family members who hit the bottle hard and became alcohol dependant ( her Dad hit the bottle too after losing his youngest brother and Mum in the space of 8 days ) most people in the family ( without addictions ) got back on their feet fairly quickly to the point of being well and capable again and well and truly dealt with their grief and came out the other end , child placed with a family member successfully with family and other support = child happy , family happy ( even addict happy ) SS happy = Everyone happy or satisfied to use another word

SS satisfied that child is being well cared for in placement , family member caring for child satisfied with arrangement and getting sufficient support , child satisfied ALL his needs are being met including the need for FAMILY LOVE and security , parent satisfied with where and whom child has been placed with

Families who fall apart can be put back together , everything fell apart after the bereavements but not fair a child has to pay a price or continually suffer because of the deaths or have it hanging over our heads forever , some joy is in line after all the pain and hard time

So family back together as much as POSSIBLE for now === Win / win / win all round but that sounds SO simplified I suppose! :-(

But it does seem so simple to me! lol

It is definitely possible, but so very frustrating that they are messing you about like this. Try to remain clear and focused. If the worst comes to the worst, you have waited such a long time already and 12 weeks will soon pass with the assessment and everything else, that it really is worth ploughing on with it. Unless they can reassure you about the other plan - to have your DD place your DGS in your care, while still supporting you to seek an SGO without losing any of your support package, I would try to persevere and go along with the assessment process. You will get there, I'm sure

Oh wow , thank you Nightowl!

The thing I am finding difficult is the goal post or 'finishing line' keeps MOVING!

First I was told July , then I was told they were bringing it FORWARD and THEN I was told they don't want to place him till AFTER the twelve week assessment which is only one week one!!!

When I say 'they' I don't mean the SW - She is fighting my corner , or rather my GS's corner thankfully

BUT I FEEL HONESTLY like I have run a marathon ALREADY , with the finishing line IN SIGHT and am WEARY and ready to DROP and have that silver blanket put round me and a glass of water and a ruddy medal LOL ... But then to be told the finishing line has been MOVED 10 miles ahead , it's not just UNFAIR it actually feels impossible to do at this stage in the race

My GS opened the gate and wanted to go through it with his Nanny but wasn't allowed , his Nanny WANTS to go through that gate with him , but isn't allowed as yet and only THEY can open that gate which of course is what I am praying for but it is beginning to feel impossible now

And yet it IS very possible , surely???!

Another thought - try not to worry that others in the department are against you because of the refusal to place your DGS with you while the assessment is done. The reasons are very likely to be to do with budgets, policies and procedures rather than anything personal.

nannynoo my advice is, be very very careful about going down the route of your daughter placing your DGS with you. My experience is that Children's Services could use this to step away and say the arrangement is no longer anything to do with them, in which case they could refuse to offer any further support. This could mean no SGO support plan, no allowances, no ongoing support such as respite or therapeutic support for your DGS's special needs. Make sure you question the SW very fully about this before deciding to go down this route. (If they do try to do this, there is recent case law that means you will have a very good case to challenge it, but better not to get into that situation in the first place).

I do understand that you don't want to be seen to be going against the department - and it makes me so angry that this is the reason many grandparents so often get less than they are entitled to - but you need to make sure you get all the support you and your DGS need for the rest of his childhood. Because he has special needs you should get this until he is 18, and again, don't let them try to fob you off with a support plan for only two years if you can help it. Iam is right, if you can afford legal advice do get it. But, if the LA is supporting an SGO, have they agreed to pay your legal costs? If so you could ask to access that advice now.

The SW is ringing me on Monday or Tuesday so will try and chill out till then

The most important thing in this is my GS's happiness