Exhausted from child care

This thread is 3 years old now.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mamma66 your stepson sounds like my SIL - the FIFA over childcare especially. My SIL is 40 though.
Makes me want to rant too. What is it about some fathers that they don't seem to have any feeling of responsibility for their own children?

Part of the guilt may stem from cutting off the care completely which meant that your DIL and Son had to pick up the slack for their children. Most likely, your DIL does most of the work now, ferrying them to daycare, taking days off when they are sick. They also have less money to spend with the nursery and food costs, and most likely your DIL is feeling even more exhausted than ever as she deals with the kids, house and her job.
If you feel up to it you may be able to take care of them for 1 day a week or even a half day (pick them up from nursery). But I would be very wary that they don't try to push more onto you than you can handle.
I'm glad you feel a lot better now. Try to remember that you and your husband have worked hard for many years and that as this is your retirement you should enjoy your years now. Think of it as a well deserved break after so many hours. You're not supposed to be working so many hours in your golden years.

My stepson is 26, nearly 27. I love him, but don’t like him very much at the moment. His relationship broke down almost a year ago and he has been living with us ever since. He has a stepdaughter aged 7, a daughter of 4 and a son of 2. The relationship breakdown was very acrimonious and he was prevented from seeing the children until the beginning of June when a court order came into place. The children come from 5pm Friday to 5pm Sunday. He abdicates all responsibility to us.

Both parents are failing the children and Social Services are involved. Our current position is that we have to supervise his contact with them at all times.

This weekend the mother sent the children knowing full well the 4 year old was poorly and had been sent home from school. My husband was working shifts all weekend so it was down to me (hubby is very good and takes the load when he is there).

So this weekend I had to cope with a poor little dot who was projectile vomiting and howling for her Mummy. We actually asked at 12.20 on Sunday if we could take them back early and the answer from the Mother was that she was out and would let me know when she got back. We ended taking them back about 4.30 - a whole 30 minutes early!

In my opinion we provide the only stability for the children at the moment and the only proper care. We love them dearly and I don’t think that anything can change ATM. The little one woke up at 5.00am on Sunday howling the house down. Her father (in the adjacent room) ignored her and eventually sloped downstairs at 9.40 after my husband rang up from work on his break and yelled at him as I was trying to console a poorly little girl who had just thrown up everywhere. Stepson came downstairs for a few minutes and then went back to play on Fifa!!

I just wanted to rant really, the children deserve so much better ?

Having just finished an utterly pleasurable but totally exhausting two week with my very bright, inquisitive and endlessly hungry dgs, I know how you all feel.

I was asked in advance and I knew for sure that if I'd said it wasn't convenient, that would have been accepted without demur.
Yes, I'm very tired but I loved every minute and value what short time I'm likely to have with him.

I am 72 and look after my twin 3yro granddaughters 1 day a week cook dinner for them & Dil& also pick them up from kindy another day while my son away all week working.I also have them for a sleepover at least once a month.I am exhausted at the end of the day.I love them to bits but would not like to have them more days. I definatelt don't have the stamina I had 20yrs ago.

Retirementisgreat, do not feel guilty about this for one second To just assume you would have the dc is very selfish.My son asked us to have our ddc for two weeks when they got married, we said no, it was far too long, and besides that they hadn't taken ddc on holiday for 4 years ! They had been together 10 years by then.The three of them went away for a few days, nothing more was said.

retirementisgreat The fact that your daughter is not speaking to you rather says it all. For her to be disappointed by your refusal is one thing, but not to speak to you shows a complete disregard for your feelings and point of view.

Please read Daughter where it says dad!

My dad announced she is getting married after being with her partner for over 12 years. They have 5 children between them, the that live with them. The wedding is going to be a registry office with just two witnesses. The children will not be attending nor will they be going on the “Honeymoon” . I wasn’t asked, it was assumed, that I would care for the children while they are away. The youngest is quite a handful and at 3 years old I think he would be upset at being separated from his parent for too long. His health is a worry and I don’t want the responsibility for a week, so have said no. Am I being unreasonable. My dad is not speaking to me!

newgran2019 Hope you really enjoy your first GC. I have a great relationship with mine and will be looking after her when her new sibling arrives in a couple of months. My 'system' is working really well, and it allows me to have a life to call my own too.

Exciting times ahead newgran2019! Congratulations. Start as you mean to go on. You can always add in more but it’s not easy to subtract as posts on here show!

Our first GC is about to appear and, Greengage, I plan and hope to do as you have done.

I feel lucky. I made it clear to my daughter that I had had my family and brought them up without help, and didn't intend to bring up another family. I am in my 70s and sadly the only grandparent left. Although I am not prepared to take on any regular childcare, I am involved in my grandchild's life both for pleasure and doing babysitting and emergency cover. I am more than happy to do numerous 'one offs' but not prepared to tie myself down to long term regular childcare. This works really well for all of us and as a consequence my d and s-i-l are very appreciative and I get lots of quality time with the family too.

I and my husband(who still works)have only one grandaughter who is now 13.(I/we)have looked after her since she was 6 month old,while her mum worked.she has nobody else to help.She is in a job which lets her know,at the last minute ,usually on the weekend,how many hours- and what days she will be working the following week,so we cannot plan to do anything ourselves.We feel we cannot leave my G.daughter alone,as she has been prone to unexpected epilepsy.If I mention that the working hours are not on,or unreasonable,my daughter gets upset and puts me in a position in case she loses her job,and says she is in the middle.but its me/us that have our backs against the wall!and usually cave in.(have to say she never asks us to babysit(as such) at other times.

From reading all these stories it seems communication is key, as is feeling quite able to say “no” and not feel guilty. I care for two of my grandchildren on two separate days, and have said from the outset that I want to still take holidays while my partner, who has PD, is still able. My daughters and sons in law have never thought this unreasonable, and have other family around who can take care of the children when I am away. My other daughter who lives some distance away, however, gets cross if I say I can’t travel to care for her daughter when her childcare breaks down (she has a nanny.) I have tried to explain how different the scenarios are, but she still tries to make me feel guilty. Some you win, and some you lose. The only saving grace is that when these parents reach their sixties and seventies they will realise how exhausting childcare is at our age!

I hadn't thought of the advantage of being far away. I even mentioned to the other DGM that she was lucky being so close that she could help with childcare. "I only get them when they are sick" was her reply.
The day nursery wouldn't take them if they were ill.

I really admire the people on here who say no to caring regularly for their grandchildren. It is not the grandparents’ job, but too many seem to think it is. I know of at least two people who don’t want to do it, but have gradually given in and are exhausted.

My grandchildren live 200 miles away, so luckily it doesn’t arise. Much as I love them, I don’t want to be a childminder. I didn’t expect my parents to do it. I wouldn’t have dreamt of sending the children to them so that I could ‘have a break’. Looking after the children was my job, not theirs.

I have 3 grandchildren. With 2 of them their parents fully understand about me being older and don't expect me to watch them for prolonged periods of time. The other one has a single parent who is very selfish of her own time (my stepdaughter). She simply does not get it through her head that I am older and have already raised children and refuse to have regularly scheduled babysitting days. Of course I come off looking like the bad guy but I refuse to give in.

I have 3 grandchildren. With 2 of them their parents fully understand about me being older and don't expect me to watch them for prolonged periods of time. The other one has a single parent who is very selfish of her own time (my stepdaughter). She simply does not get it through her head that I am older and have already raised children and refuse to have regularly scheduled babysitting days. Of course I come off looking like the bad guy but I refuse to give in.

It seems our children these days just expect we will want to/be able to look after their own children so they can go back to work and continue to enjoy the lifestyle. I have always said if you can't afford to stay at home for the first five years (at least) of your child's life, then you shouldn't have children. In the village where I live I see so many ladies in their 60s and older, pushing a buggy with one or two children in it, or pushing a buggy and holding a toddlers hand. They look worn out, dragged down with the hard work and responsibility. I believe that at our age, we have earned the right to a life free from the responsibility of child-rearing, when our time should be our own to choose how we spend it, not having to think of the commitments we have made to look after our grandchildren. My selfish son and his partner decided that since I wasn't prepared to look after their child all week then I was no longer fit to be a part of their little family. And he hasn't spoken to us in a decade. Sad? Of course it is, but I no longer lose sleep, shed tears, feel guilty over someone so thoughtless and selfish. I might add I live with four chronic illnesses so am not the best person to take charge of a lively child, or a baby. But of course, that didn't matter to my son. Do Not feel guilty Lupin22. After a life time of working, raising a family, this time is Yours, go and enjoy it. .

So true Bradford.When my DC were young my mum was in her 50s younger than me now, but still very active.Looking back now I took her for granted, and selfishly expected a lot from both mum and dad, even though my dad became disabled at 57 we wanted to work and have evenings out. But how are we to know how they feel if they don't say, I believe as older grandparents, we have to be honest and say when it's too much.The only thing my mum wouldn't do is have my children overnight, which I do regularly, even though I find it exhausting.

When you are young and still of childbearing age, you have absolutely NO idea what it is like to be old.

Grandparents look energetic when the children and grandchildren visit, so it's easy to assume nothing except that number has changed.
But it does, By Jingoes it does.
I think you made a heroic effort Lupin and deserve their eternal thanks. How brave to now call a halt before anything serious happens to you, that must have been incredibly difficult.
Perhaps you could explain to your son that you didn't want to give up your darling grandchildren but you were beginning to feel unsafe as a result of your exhaustion.
No one works at peak efficiency when they are dropping from tiredness.
What would they have done if you'd collapsed, even if it had only been from a virus you couldn't shrug off due to tiredness?
I often think, when I see the somewhat cavalier attitudes of the 30 somethings, to us 60 and 70 somethings, ~you'll learn, one of these days it'll be you~

You have my sympathy Chucky.
I'm sure you and DH are appreciated but they have a funny way of showing it!
I feel we never seem to be able to please everyone so maybe you should put your health and DH first.
Mine joke that we never help them whereas we help their siblings but I treat it as a joke.
You can't do everything and some need you more than others.