The Grandma that never was

My heart goes out to you , from one bereaved mother to another. I genuinely know how you feel, and what you are going through. Like you, I also have a child who blames me for the death of her sister, as if we don't carry the heavy burden of guilt enough already just by being alive when our child is dead. I often think they need someone to 'blame' to focus all their grief on, they don't know how to deal with it, so get angry at the person who they feel should have been there to 'save' them. In fact by losing one child to death, I feel I have also lost another child who will never love me again. It is so hard and I do not know what to say to help you other than it is quite common with surviving siblings. I belong to a bereaved mothers support group and many say the surviving siblings act the same. We just have to put on our mask every day and pretend all is fine in this nightmare bereaved mothers club we never wanted to join and just get through life the best we can. I must say I have found mindfulness very helpful dealing with my grief and anxiety and keeping me calm when life feels unbearable. Big hugs to you x

my brother died in a road accident aged 6, he was on his bike and went into the road, i was 4 at the time, when i had my own children i was extremely protective of them, i didnt want anyone to take them, they werent allowed bikes in the street, until they were over the age my brother died i couldnt relax, i didnt blame my parents but i could never understand why he was allowed out on his bike unsupervised , different time then it was early 70s, maybe she has similar feelings, i had counselling in the end , try talking to her about her feelings about losing her sister and if she has any fears you could dispell x

Whilst I agree with pps that the loss of her sister may be part of why your daughter won't let you babysit, there are a few other things in your post which stood out to me.

My daughter, for her own reasons, decided to turn parenting into a degree course, she was in competition to prove she is better than I was

This makes me think that you and your daughter have different approaches to parenting. Have you openly disagreed or disapproved of her choices? My mom did quite a lot, saying things like 'I never did that and you turned out fine', 'these new guidelines will change again and I'll be right then' and she really disagrees with my approach to discipline (she smacked, I don't. And I won't let her smack DD either). She perceived me doing things differently as 'competing' with her. She told me once 'I would have been a better parent if I'd have had google as well'. She couldn't see that I was making the choices I think are best for DD, based on the information I have, but saw it as me trying to do things differently to her to 'out do' her. You seem to have the same attitude towards your daughter. Because of all of this I won't let her babysit DD, I feel that as soon as my back is turned she will take the chance to do things her way to prove she's right.

Four times over Christmas I tried to arrange to take him to Circus, to see Santa to go on the Santa Express
This may also be part of the problem. She doesn't feel comfortable leaving him with you, she's told you that. And you keep pushing for it. Stop asking her. Arrange activities you can do with him and her, stop focussing on getting time alone with him. Ask to spend time with him and your DD, let her see that you respect her choices as his parent and she's more likely to come round. I'd be more comfortable with my MiL having DD alone as she doesn't pester me for it, whereas my parents do and that makes me wonder if they will just use that chance to undermine the parenting choices I've made (no smacking for example).

One grandchild of nearly two. He should be the light of my life. I've waited for him.

Throughout my pregnancy my mother was very fixated on 'her grandchild' and everything she was going to do with her once she was born. But she seemed to be completely ignoring my role as the mother, other than me being the person carrying her grandchild. Like I was an incubator. She was the only person who didn't even ask how I was once I'd had DD, which really hurt. I felt like I had done my job of giving her a grandchild and that was all she cared about. It's really ruined our relationship. You also say I don't know where my little pal has gone we were once so close This is what makes me think it's partly about her relationship with you, as your relationship with her has obviously changed. Maybe try inviting her to do things without her son and try working on your relationship with her first. I understand you want to see your grandchild, but she's your daughter, your damaged relationship with her should be your biggest concern, but your OP is all about your grandson, maybe she feels that. Anyway, having a stronger relationship with her will give you more time with your grandson.

I could be very wrong but I just get the impression in your post that this is about more than the loss of her sister, and more about a change in yours and your daughters relationship, I think you need to focus on improving that first and foremost.

I feel so sad for you having suffered this terrible trauma in your life....the worst thing I can imagine.... plus your husband running away afterwards. You’ve done a brilliant job bringing your family up. Speaking as a single mum myself I know what it can be like.
I have just returned from staying with my daughter who is only 3 months pregnant. We have always been very close and perhaps my mistake was being lulled into thinking we ‘shared’ our past. Suddenly she is reflecting on it slightly differently in the light of having a child herself....not exactly reinventing it but her perception has changed. For instance in spite of our close and loving relationship and supportive big brother, she described it as ‘solitary’. As a child she always seemed the strong, sensible child. She now talks about ‘having’ to be independent. I felt slightly defensive but said nothing and just let her express her feelings.
Also friends and I have been slightly amused/bemused the ‘rule book’ (verbal or written) that has been presented to the new grandparent when they have been left in sole charge. My husband is a nurse and has 3 happy and loving children but got the same treatment. One friend asked her son why and he said, quite kindly, that it made him feel better and wasn’t really a reflection on his mum’s ability.
Your situation is more acute and I can only imagine how saddened you must be. I send you my heartfelt best wishes that in time things will change for both you and your daughter.

I sympathise with your situation but would urge you to read the post from Newmom101 in an open-minded way as it presents very lucidly a new mum's view of this problem. She has also offered practical ways in which you could go about mending your relationship with your daughter, which should be your first step.

A good post Newmom101. It appeared after I had sent mine and I found it quite thought provoking.
Thank you.

Is she punishing you for her sister's death? Has she ever had help to grieve?

OP
I feel for you
However your daughter clearly has a different interpretation of her childhood than you, and doesn’t want her child alone with you.
You need to gently broach with her or you need to accept.

My father died tragically, at home, when I was 5; my mom had 4 kids to raise;

When I became a mom, I had great, great difficulty letting others watch my children. MIL wasn't interested; my mom lived 2 hrs away by plane, so it was not much of an issue, but I was a stay-at-home mom & never used a babysitter. I wanted to be with my kids 100%

I know a young woman, whose mom died, before the young woman married. She now has 4 children; no one watches her kids; she homeschools; has very conservative values.

Do these early tragedies have something to do with it? Don't know. Just asking the question, but I was similar to your DIL.

What brilliant advice everyone has given ... previous posters have covered all the angles so well that I have nothing else to offer, except to say how sorry I am about the loss of your child and to wish you well in building a new relationship with your daughter to create the trust in each other you that both of you need. Good luck.

I, like others, was going to suggest that your DD is overprotective of her child because she has witnessed the trauma and aftermath of losing a child in very tragic circumstances. But you said later in the thread that she does let others babysit. So this is something between the two of you.

Having read Newmom101s post, which explores the situation from a different angle; I think perhaps there is more to it. Her post made a lot of sense.

I feel for you, because I sense that having come to terms with a terrible loss, you are wondering if you are now being blamed and therefore branded untrustworthy.

Look at it from that other angle, that perhaps you are being more overprotective yourself.

I so wish you well as you and your DD have experienced a great loss and sadness and this can lead to problems. I so hope you can resolve this.

Second comment: I, too, lost a child, tragically. He was in the home when he died, at 24; his younger brother was 19.

It is 10 years later now; oldest brother is fine; husband and I have done much counselling and are accepting; but my youngest is kind of stuck.

Talked to one of my counsellors about it; Said that when a young person has a great tragedy, sometimes they get stuck at the age they were when the tragedy hit. Need professional help to work it thru.

Not saying your daughter is stuck, because obviously she has gone on to marry and have a family, but thinking there could still be 'unfinished issues' with regard to her sister's death and the changes in the family afterwards.

The difficulty is that the issues are hers and you cannot force her to make changes; she has to want to do that on her own.

As another bereaved mom, I understand your pain. Our child's death changes everything.

My only advice would be to talk it over with a counsellor, or a bereaved moms group. I am just saying that you cannot make your daughter change; she has to want to make the change herself.

Your sad message made me wonder about children who have lost siblings. I lost a child when my eldest daughter was 2. She has told me her childhood was ruined because of my husband and I being sad. She has only chosen relationships that could never work out, thus never getting married or having children of her own. I've always wondered if she was just too scared because of what happened. I think these events must have affected our children more than what we thought.

My father lost two sisters before they were 5.One he was with when she had he accident.He never got over it and we were overprotected all the time.No bikes ,no swings ,he was paranoid in case something would happen to us .I'd guess your daughter is still grieving her sister and scared to leave her baby...for he is a baby still...in case anything goes wrong .You need to take it at her pace and let her get in the right head space to loosen the apron strings and let others in .It will happen but in her own time .

Newmom101 makes some interesting points and observations that I can't add to...but I would certainly suggest you try to build up the relationship with your daughter and the relationship with your grandchild will then follow more naturally.
Good luck

I think that before assuming that it is your daughter who needs some sort of help you should seek some counselling for yourself. Your description of circumstances is your own perception of them, but reveals little evidence for the conclusions that you have drawn. You assume a connection between your perceived rejection by your daughter and past trauma. It may well be your own feelings of guilt, however misplaced they may be, that are causing you to see your own daughter's actions as competitive - certainly you have no need to list your past achievements as evidence that it is she who is being unreasonable.
Incidentally, how long a period is "over Christmas". If you had declined an offer how you would feel at being re-asked another three times within, say, a two week period?

I think that you would benefit from discussing your feelings with a professional, preferably before giving unwanted advice to your daughter or revealing that you have been discussing her with strangers on a public forum

You must have been an amazing Mother to cope so well with great results.I have a daughter who had two miscarriages and now has a lovely daughter,now eight who she has struggled to leave anywhere without her-----I just always arranged for us all to do things together,movies,coffee,lunch etc.it's her not you,good luck.

I also agreed with newmom101’s post and it covered a lot of my thoughts.

“I don’t know where my little pal has gone.......”
When your daughter died, it sounds as if this daughter felt she needed to support you and you saw her as your pal when she was your daughter. So maybe she was never able to deal with her sisters death as a 10 year old even with the help you arranged. She seemed to be taking on the role your ex husband should have done. It must have been a very devastating time for all the family.

Your grandsons behaviour sounds normal for a child who is not yet 2.

You have plenty of time to take him to the circus and to see Santa but it should be a family outing not just with you. This is for everyone to enjoy, Also would you have sent your under 2 year old child to such a strange thing as the circus to sit for ? how many hours with someone the child behaved shyly with.

You as a mother helped your children to achieve a lot but you are now the grandmother and the parents must now do what they think is best for their child who is the light of their lives.

I am sure your future will include many grandchildren for you to enjoy but at the moment I think you will have to take a step back.

Moomin (I hope you come back soon to read the replies), you have coped superbly with bringing up your children and the devastating loss of one. Never let anyone take that away from you, whatever their reasons are, cos bringing up children is hard enough for two parents and no traumatic events.

I haven't had half your experience, but my daughter also made a "degree course" out of motherhood and I often had to bite my tongue and not do the things I hoped I could do with the children. I didn't push it even though I knew that the other grandparents were allowed to have the children even though they broke all her rules. I accepted that the kiddies would be hesitant with us when we saw them, and bit by bit it has improved. My daughter has matured, has become less insistent (cos the degree didn't actually make her the Perfect Mother after all) and the children have lost most of that early uncertainty with us. We still don't see them as much as we'd like, but have had some lovely interactions with them. We live 30 miles apart and have found a lovely park about half-way and it has become a place for us all to meet on the odd weekend and in the holidays and is now special to us - and the kiddies. I've become the Gran who plays music and sings with them, while the other Nan helps with crafts. So I have my role and we all get along. The youngest (4) is still a mummy's girl and won't hold my hand or give kisses but that's the way it is for now.

Hold tight to your success - and heed some of the wise words from others - and let things change as time goes on. Okay, you have missed out on the very early years but you don't want to miss out on the rest of their childhood. Let your daughter come to realise in her own time what a great parent you were (and still are), and accept her worries for the time being.

Good luck xxx

Dear moomintwo,
for the start ..why that..is it the Moonintrolls..
for two ..you say you had six children ..one now in heaven

now..am I right that this is your only Grandchild

so the other children don't have children.the other 4

so why is that..

I don't have any advice but just want to say I feel so sad for you and hope one day the situation with your grandchild improves xx

So sorry you are not enjoying the relationship you hoped for with your DGS.
I would advise you just keep going on as you have been.. seeing when you can, being happy and playful. And accept the pace at which your DD wants to take things, it is her son.

Maybe keeping a supply of small 'pocket money' toys ( e.g small car, figures etc.. nothing major!) so you can get a new one out when you do see him. He may be curious enough to overcome his shyness and come to play withSit if you put it near you.. Don't talk to him when you first see him, talk to the adults and just smile at him. Sometimes over enthusiastic adults put kids off.

Not sure how your post is helping jenkins

I am so sorry for all of your loss.
When suggesting activities circus etc are you inviting your DD or just wanting the GS?
It may help to involve her as much as possible so that you first have a great bond with him.

Why are you so fixated on having him alone? Cant you just work on enjoying him with your daughter there.

And your loss is also your daufhters loss. Its her sibling. Honestly you speak as if it is your bereavement alone. Can you not understand how having a sibling die in an accident can make your daughter reluctant to be uneccesarily separate from her child? You seem to assume its all about you and take everything personally (such as your GCs shyness) which wont endear you to your DD or your GC