My ex DIL is arranging boyfriends to pick up GC from day care

Fucsiarose
So he gets to be the fun Disney dad, go to the zoo, take him to bday parties, etc, while the mother does all the hard work during the week?

Nope!

If the father wants to keep a close eye, bad things can happen during the week too.

Have I missed something?
Why the assumption that the new man might have a criminal record?

Weekends with the father to keep steady eye on the child. A single mother has the right to ask the police if the bf has previous. It's a law relating to protecting the mother and children to prevent a person gaining access to kids in the home.
. Cant remember what the law is called. Worth looking into, for piece of mind

I don’t think that the NSPCC would get involved unless there were serious safeguarding issues.
The couple have separated and that is that - your son and his ex wife will have to make their custody arrangements for themselves and if your DIL has moved on, so be it.
You have expressed animosity to your DIL in the past - don’t let that cloud your judgement.

Would it be the same problem if it was a female platonic friend who was doing her the favour of picking up the child some days?

You could ring the NSPCC anonymously, just to ask for their advice; I have done this in the past on two occasions when I was worried about a child. Explain that it's not you have specific concerns about the new bf, just that your son knows nothing about him and he will be looking after the most precious person in your son's life. They will take it seriously, and let you know what, if anything, your son should do... Best wishes.

Your son shouldn't need you to pay a lawyer to point out that he has equal guardianship rights; of course he has, and he also has equal responsibilities.
He needs to organise his working hours so that he can share child care, which is what the father in the case I quoted did: early mornings, late evenings and weekends, (employers have a responsibility to facilitate this wherever possible) and not leave the child's mother reliant on other people.
If he knows the mother to be an 'unfit mother ' although apparently reluctant to use the evidence , why is he then content to leave the child in her care for the majority of the time?
He sounds very much as though he has moved on, but is attempting control without responsibility.
Quite a familiar figure in the child care courts.

No wonder your son is distraught, your DIL is trampling all over him. I would be very careful who I allowed to collect my child from anywhere. It would only be close family or maybe a friend I have known for a long time, certainly not a new BF. Your DIL is being very inconsiderate to your S and has to realise that it is joint parenting, the decisions are not hers alone. It is very emotionally confusing for the child.

Where is the evidence of the 'danger' to the child?

He can if there isn't an existing court order and he is on the birth certificate.
If he believes his child is being put in danger and can prove this then he can. The police will check and say it's for the court to decide. Then he needs to put his case forward in court.
If he doesn't want to change his life to put his child first then what the mother is doing can't be that bad and OP can stop being at her wit's end.
Father's on the birth certificate have equal parental responsibility now and can exercise that right if they choose to. It isn't the easy option and changes to work have to be made.
Sitting back and criticising is the easy option.

Whatdayisit, no, he can't just 'get his child' unless he wants the police after him pdq! That action would only be justified where there was evidence of abuse!

(I don't think that's the case - what he wants is a continuation of control over his ex.)

If your GC's life is chaotic with his mum and your DS cares he could just get his child and enrol in a nursery nearby and let the child's mother ttake him to court for access. Where he can then explain thaf he is providing a more stable home.
Don't say he can't do this because he works long hours. If the situation is so bad it his duty to provide a more stable home for his child and by doing so changing his life to put his child first.
This is not a time to use words. If it's that bad take action.

She has every right to move wherever she likes within the country

Your son should either pick up 50:50 care or accept that how she manages her caring responsibilities on her time is her decision

She doesn’t need to consult him on any decisions - not sure which lawyer told him she does - are you in the UK?

How many overnights per week does he have the child? Is he paying sufficient maintenance?

It seems from your posts he’s visiting a couple of times per week but expects to micro manage the mother from a distance as if she’s some sort of nanny... I hope you can tell us otherwise

So you have background in this board- your screen name was very familiar.

I am not surprised you do not approve of your exdil's actions. You never liked her and you will scapegoat her no matter what your son does.

"She did not seek his consent or agreement to move further away from him - about 30 mins drive. She is sharing house with flat mates - single women- my son knows nothing about."

30 min drive is NOTHING. You could be move to a new place in the same town. That is how tiny 30 minutes are.
We are not talking 4 hours here.

It is certainly no excuse for your son not to see his child due to the reasons he claims to have.
Your son could distribute his working hours, cut his working hours, etc so he could see his son.
Instead, the "blame" is placed on decisions that ex dil makes.

I get very controlling vibes from your posts. Is everything that your ex dil decides to do to be checked out by your son first before she can do it?
Is he willing to do the same - for her to approve anything before he proceeds to move forward?

While I agree with the principle of the lawyer's advice, it can be twisted to make the other party the "unreasonable one"

Everything the mother and father of the child does has the potential of impacting the child in a "unsafe" manner - what is safe or unsafe can vary depending who answers it.

The OP paying for the lawyer for the son certainly is NOT remaining neutral and will impact the relationship with your exdil, if you ever need anything from her.

Annali, your son needs to adapt to the current situation. They are now separated and his ex is free to arrange her own life without consulting him.

There are some clues to his attitude problem in what you have written:

'she has recently moved further away from him and he works long hours and cannot get to see GC after work'

So he expected her to remain nearby - and to pick up GC from nursery too. He's upset that she's made her own choices - but she has every right to. He shouldn't expect to have much control over their lives now. It's the way things go when a relationship ends.

I thought you could not play musical chairs in the pandemic lockdown?

Indecent, not indictment

Furthermore, having 2 boyfriends in 6 months is not that unusual - your message insinuates some shameful indictment behaviour that should be used against her.

For example, she may have known her new bf from a long time ago and were friends for years before choosing to engage in a romantic relationship.

Maybe some friends introduced them and they are perfect for each other, who knows.

I support Bibbity and her realistic comments.

Picking up from school is nothing.
What would happen if your ex dil and bf are living together (which she has the right to, btw)?

Your son has to get used to that during her custody time, she will do things he wont like.
During your son's custody time, he and tou will do things she wont like.
Unless the child is in danger, there is nothing you can do to control the actions of the other parent when it's not your time.

Why did your son have a child with somebody so easy to dislike and not fit to be a mother? I am sure there were signs before.

Why did they break up? How long were they together and how many of them married?

"The mother is what is often called ‘ an unfit mother’ . There is evidence but this is something my son does not want to give to courts unless he has to. "

I am side eyeing your son so much.
If he is so distraught and terribly worried about his son, this IS the time to bring up the evidence in court.
What is he waiting for?

The behaviour in a divorce does not come in a vacuum. It amplifies the misunderstandings and sore points of the relationship when the couple was together.

Your ex dil could be not such a nice person but your son is not a saint either.

grandparents do not have any rights to see GC, except where there is a court order to that effect, which is rare.

Annali

Hello everyone
I’m at my wits end with worry for my son and 2 yr GC. Long story short - the relationship has broken down, they are seperated and DIL has new boyfriend (a couple actually in past 6 months). She has told my son that in future, her current BF will be picking up GC from daycare. My son knows nothing about this new man in GC life. My son has been seen lawyer and a letter will soon be sent to DIL re: law about joint guardianship and need to include my son in decisions re: welfare of GC. DIL is persisting - through series of texts - that she will do what she sees right for ‘her child’. My son is an emotional and anxious mess. How do I help him?

They sound like youngish parents. Or the mother is. Grandparents have rights to see their grandchildren and so does the father. Especially if he's on the birth certificate. I am wondering if the bf works, if he's available to pick up from daycare. Hope GC is not in a nursery all day, everyday with bf picking them up. All single parent mothers, I do believe, have a right to ask a police station for a background check on anyone they are dating, to ascertain the persons suitability to be in the family home. Cant remember what it's called. If I were grandparent I would make my services more available, ie, having child at weekends etc to keep a steady eye on the situation. Sorry I cant be any further help.

i think he can certainly apply to the court re the vaccinations, and he would be likely to win.
but i guess it costs money to o to court.
or are there any self-help groups that might be able to advise him.
if she really is an unfit mother, should she be left in charge of a barely verbal child.

He really does want to sort amicably, truly. But he has felt backed into a corner; this latest about new BF being a carer after day care is final straw. His ex has told him to butt out and she will do what she likes

Hello you wonderful grans. I’m overwhelmed at the amazing advice you have given me. I have read every single post and listened to you all.
My son only wants protect his child; has no interest in his ex at all. He is happier now than he has been during the tumultuous marriage; his only anxiety his access to and protection of his child. The mother is what is often called ‘ an unfit mother’ . There is evidence but this is something my son does not want to give to courts unless he has to. The family lawyer he has engaged has assured him he has equal guardian rights and has pointed out to him where his ex has not included him in decisions - and that she must obtain consent from him if she is making decisions that affect GC well-being, safety - I.e. who is caters are when both parents are not around. Another bone of contention is the mother refuses GC any vaccinations. My son want her to receive them, some at least. The mother has told him he has no say as he doesn’t see his child more than twice a week - as she has recently moved further away from him and he works long hours and cannot get to see GC after work. She did not seek his consent or agreement to move further away from him - about 30 mins drive. She is sharing house with flat mates - single women- my son knows nothing about. This is some of the context.