Emotionally dependent adult son

This rings bells with me as it reminds me strongly of my brother (now 53). We're convinced he is on the autistic spectrum/Aspergers. My mother had to make the decision to move into a small retirement flat to force him to be move out and become more independent when he was in his thirties.
He still suffers from extreme anxiety and some social difficulties. He worries about his job constantly, always convinced he isn't good enough (he works for a top company on IT projects and has a first class degree.) He is now married but his wife, although supportive, also has huge anxiety and health issues.
Geraldine I'm not sure whether a diagnosis of ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) would help your son, but background reading about ASD might help you understand him and his difficulties if he is on the spectrum.

Please think carefully before cutting him out of your life ..... This might increase his anxiety which wouldn't be great for either of you.

I'm guessing that your DS works, lives alone (now) and has a job. If the answer to all these is 'yes' then he sounds like he's coping with all the adult stuff. As to what his exGF said, I would take that with a pinch of salt and the wrong partner for him.

I understand that he constantly turns to you for advice etc. Perhaps you're the special one that he trusts. Take it as a huge compliment whilst encouraging him to make his own decisions. Please don't blame yourself .... He clearly adores his Mum. There's loads of mums on Gransnet who would give their eye teeth to have a conversation with their 'boys'

You sound like two lovely people to me. I've read some other suggestions on here and think they're spot on. I would just add softly, softly to any changes. Good luck!

Geraldine, I relate so much to what you say. My DD is nearly 24 (much younger but still..) I get updated with every detail of how she is feeling, and if she is having a stressful time she will mwake me in the middle of the night in floods of tears to talk about it, even though I am still working full time.

I worry a lot about whether she is ever going to be emotionally self-sufficient (she can't afford to move out at present).

I presume he is ringing you every day for advice about something. I would agree with him one day in the week when you will discuss his issues. Then when he rings on the the days you have not agreed to discuss. say 'Right I will put that on the agenda for the name of the day agreed.'. You might also suggest if its relevant where he could get more information and help.

By getting him to wait until one day a week you will find that eventually he will solve some of the things himself.

Good luck.

Classic, isn't it. If a child has a problem, their mother immediately assumes it is their 'fault they over-mothered/undermothered etc etc etc.

Our children are a mix of all the genes from both sides of the family and that mix is randomly decided in the womb. Some children come out with all the 'right' genes that make growing up and the transition to adulthood relatively simple, others have all the genes that make life difficult.

Stop wasting your time working out what you did wrong. it is very unlikely to be your fault. Look at your son, the problems he has and how those problems can be resolved in the here and now. Counseling, certainly sounds helpful, but think about what counseling, not all counseling is right, but look for something that is specifically helpful. CBT might be helpful in this stage, teaching him not to think himself into indecision. Other posters have made other good suggestions.

The main thing to remember is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

My youngest is a bit like this. He left home young but visits several times a week and phones most days. He makes his own decisions but leans on me for emotional support when he is stressed or upset. My other son has only left home recently at nearly 40. I do wonder if I did something wrong and this can make me feel drained. I understand the thought of cutting your son off though I'm sure you won't do it.

We are seeing this with DGS who is only six. While his sister now 9 has been staying with friends, grandma nearby and grandma faraway (us) since she was barely six. DGS at rising seven will not even contemplate a night away from home and family. Not even with a grandma living 2 miles away or a best friend living even nearer, and when he will stay with us, heaven knows.

In every other way he is outgoing and confident, he loves school, has lots of friends, recently took a leading role in his drama class play.

I think it is just the way some children are and as parents all we can do is encourage them to take small steps towards emotional confidence.