Anxiety has taken over my life

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Sometimes anxiety happens when you can’t or don’t want to cry. Anxiety is often when we’re running away from feelings when we think we’re actually swamped by them. Grieving needs a space and time devoted to it , a time to cry and say life for me has changed, (or get angry ? lol) . I got very anxious when my daughter moved to America and couldn’t figure out why until I discovered what I really needed to do was half a good half hour cry when I needed it. I used to actually say right I’ll set aside 2-3 to have a good cry - she and I were joined at the hip for 22 years and I was feeling loss of her, my identity, my role, etc.
Our ‘inner child’ also pops up and says ‘oh dear it’s too much, I can’t cope, what will happen to me’. I find it helps to say’ hang on I’m not a child I’m an adult and I’ll cope fine, I’ve coped with a lot in my life, I’m ok, I’m going to work hard at taking care of myself, and I’ll start my list of all the things I can do now I’m free!
You’ve had a big lifequake, be gentle gentle gentle on yourself. Have a cry, have a cup of tea and a bun ( as Paddington would say) and find what you need and grab it. It might be Volunteering to care for sick kualas or getting a kitten , or painting ( Bob Ross style) or Yoga or salsa ??
All these lovely ladies are here with their sweet comments and support thoughts !!!

narelle222,and dublingran,I can relate to what you both say.I lost my husband,it was 2 years ago,I had managed to build a nice new life,though I never stopped missing him.Now everything I had planned for the summer is cancelled or put on hold till I don't know when.I feel as if it has set me back 2 years,and I'm grieving all over again.It must be so hard for people who are more recently bereaved.

Hi, There’s no easy answer with so many awful things going on , personally, and in the world generally. Anxiety is a problem for so many people right now. I would allow yourself to cry and release those feelings each day at some point...and then as you sound a very disciplined person, maybe structure your day a little, if you can. A routine may work for you and all the better if you can include some little treats, some exercise, and some more relaxing activities. This is a hard time but it will pass. Things will get better even though there seems little light at the end of the tunnel now. You may not feel it, but you are being strong and you will get past this. Know that you’re not alone.

Lost my DH ten years ago, it was sudden and was not with him at the time so as you can imagine was a shock.Although you will never forget time will heal the wound you experienced at the moment of your loss so go and see your GP open up with all you are experiencing. I can assure you there is light at the end of the dark tunnel you are now finding yourself in.

Your honest post will strike a chord with so many here. Anxiety is natural especially in your circumstances and something which you might find help for via some short term medication from your doctor and as others have said, counselling. I lost my twin brother suddenly 8 years ago. He died in the Amazon. I had to take on my elderly grieving mother and move her in with us as she’d been living part time in LA with him. I struggled with no bereavement support as I “didn’t want to let myself down” and just a British stiff upper lip. Around 3 years later I broke and ended up in the doctor’s surgery weeping and ashamed at having to seek help. I felt I’d let myself down. Wrong. I was taking care of me. I had counselling sessions and a very tiny amount of medication which was my life saver. It still is, I’m not ashamed to admit, and has transformed me from a constant worrier who can’t cope to someone who is not so anxious and copes. These are horrible times and my heart is with you. Do seek help. You deserve it. Thank you for sharing on this lovely group. X

hugs and prayers... wish I could talk , all I do is cry.
more hugs

I had to answer - not sure I actually have much to say- other than you are coping look at all the things you are contending with and have got sorted since your bereavement. Be kind to yourself you are a strong independent woman who has lost a bit of confidence- it will fully return. None of us actually have it all nailed. We are just doing the swan thing - I expect people look at you and say “Gosh, how does she cope with everything and still do her housework!!” Life often sucks but we cope - there is no choice.

Sending healing thoughts to you at this difficult time - do get some counselling - it will help. In the meantime do keep talking to others whether it’s on line or on the phone ?

Dear Narelle,

Don't be hard on yourself - that's another burden for you. From a practical point of view, can I recommend Alistair Appleton's online course, 'Mastering the Monsters of Anxiety'. He is running a daily embodied meditation course on Zoom and is brilliant, and is developing these other courses. Go to mypersonal.mind-springs.org/courses/mastering-the-monsters-of-anxiety-selfstudy. If you go his Mindsprings site you can do a short free course which shows you how to get on top of your anxiety responses. I think you might find it very helpful, Best wishes, Valerie

So much for you to cope with, Narelle. No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. I have the odd meltdown and have to give myself a good talking to. It’s very hard to keep positive, but I think the important thing is to talk - even remotely as you have on GN. Things WILL get better (maybe not back to ‘normal’ for a long time) and we will have to cope with that also. Keep strong.

You have had a loss of self, who you are, twice over. When our spouse or partner dies our whole world changes. We have to come to deal with all sorts of new things on our own. Just at a time when we feel least able to do so because we are grieving. It sounds as though you were doing ok. Now you have also lost that sense of yourself as a resilient person. No wonder you are struggling. But she is still there. But she is having to deal with huge challenges. Please be kind to yourself. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to need some help. It's the brave thing to do, to ask for it. May God bless you and comfort you and meet you where you are, not where you think you ought to be. X

Narelle I'm not sure if you have read other posts lots of us are struggling and it doesn't matter where you are, so you are not alone!
It really sounds like you have been through alot even before this virus so no wonder your anxiety is through the roof.
If you can the phone counselling sounds a good idea.
Just sit for a while and breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth just to feel a bit more relaxed.
Find something you can do that you will take your mind of said anxiety.
Too much caffeine and sugar makes you feel worse.
Big hug and take carex

My dear Father always quoted 'This too shall pass', and in general the worst times do; it's just horrible to have gnawing anxiety and feel so tense all the time. I am sorry to read that you feel so bad, but you have had a bereavment and now we are facing uncharted waters; so unsettling for all of us. We will come through this - and you will come through this too. I send you my very best wishes.

Narelle222
My husband died five years ago and had spent his final two years in a nursing home. Reading your letter I realise I was in some ways fortunate that for that time I had been effectively living on my own so had to make any of the usual household decisions without any help - he suffered from increasingly severe dementia and so could not advise me.

What I would say is that the first year really is the hardest but that does not mean you will ever stop grieving so do not feel ashamed. Getting through each significant date - birthday, wedding anniversary. etc - is painful but at the end of the first year I told myself that at least I had survived, came home, sat down, put on a CD and the first track was a song we had often danced to and I just sat and cried even more than when he had died. so as I said there will be times when you still feel overwhelmed. At least, like me, you had a wonderfully happy marriage and that is a sort of comfort.

Don't forget to look after yourself because I know that is what your husband would have wanted and take care.

Your friend will need support, my daughter-in-law had tongue cancer although she came through it with the help of a book called "In your face" by Lia Mills. Like you I am in my seventies (76 actually), my husband died five years ago and this morning I have woken up to no hot water - boiler malfunction. I live in London.

Bereavement for most cannot be shrugged off to allow you to cope with the next situation. What you know you would probably deal with without giving a second thought to becomes embroiled in your already existing anxiety and on it goes. Are there any organisation you can contact to help with your feelings whether phones calls or meetings (if permitted). I had a similar episode many years ago and the behaviour therapist got me to keep a record of day and time and what it was made me anxious at that particular time. This proved helpful in identifying everything was rolling into one and I had to learn to break situations down and deal with one at a time. You should seek some sort of therapy using whatever system you have in Australia. I wish you well.

Poor you, it really is a horrible way to be - I have lived with it now for about a decade due to my health deteriorating and causing me to look like an absolute hag! Actually having to wear a facemask going out now has helped mine a little! Having no access to my friends and family though is just awful, and the thought of this going on for another 18 months is making me think I might rather prefer the virus and get it over and done with - if I see it through, good I will have some immunity and be able to see my grandchildren and daughters, if I don't, then life is miserable enough anyway and full of such stressful situations over my health, financial problems, not seeing people etc depression, am I really that bothered either way?? Not sure ..... to be honest?

I am pleased you have gone to the GP but I do think you need to go again and see if they can help you further - I think when all this is done, and am sure it is the case already, there are going to be a lot of sad elderly people and there will be a overwhelming of the NHS in other ways - problem is it generally takes years to be taken seriously and get help when MH is involved - my daughter made 12 suicide attempts before she got any help at all, dreadful ....

Makes me wonder what was said for a post to be removed off this thread too?

No wonder you are feeling anxious with all the changes in your life at these unprecedented times ! As others have suggested I think you can get FaceTime counselling which would help to talk through your grief. People only tend to share their best side on social media So please don’t be so hard on yourself .

I really can understand how you feel. Everything has taken my confidence and positivity,like you. My husband died last October. In England there is a charity phoneline for the elderly ,called Silverline.
I have found them so helpful and supportive,you can tell them exactly how you feel. Maybe you have a helpline in Australia. It does help to talk. It is not being weak,it is helping you to recognise what you are really feeling anxious about. Things will get better. You have overcome so much. Wishing you relief from the pain you are suffering. You will be strong again.

Hello
I am sure you are coping but feel that you are not! You have had a very difficult year with the loss of a loved one plus this unprecedented virus to contend with. One thing is ok to be anxious about but 2 major issues is hard. Age doesn’t matter, we are all anxious about our futures, finances, families, friends, health. So don’t sweat the big stuff. Make a lust of your priorities then tuck them off. Where are you in Australia as things are easing there? I know as my brother is informing me.
Talk to friends, family, write a journal. Have a sofa day when needed, nothing wrong with that. Be kind to yourself and pamper yourself with a treat now and again. Take care

Thank you for being brave enough to write about your feelings. You are still grieving and have had all these other issues to deal with, and then this virus. Many of us in the UK are not OK with the lockdown and are silently suffering in many ways, and I for one am thoroughly fed up with it all. When my son died 5 years ago aged 39 I was numb and in shock and full of anxiety. I didn't want to go out of the house because I had this irrational idea that if I stayed put and safe then I would be ready and prepared for the next nasty shock that I was sure was just round the corner. Family members talking about holidays irritated me. No one wanted to talk about what had happened. The GP said "I'm so sorry my dear". The priest who took my mother's funeral said "the mind copes but the body takes the strain. Sometimes we have to be open to receive help." and I have often thought of that. My advice is see the GP, try and they may advise some counselling or other help, be kind to yourself, only do activities you enjoy (I found learning something new was great), only see people who are helpful (maybe you have a friend who is a good listener), and time does not heal, but eventually you get used to it and realise nothing is your fault but you will cope in the end.

Narelle222 sending much love. Well done for recognising how you are feeling at the moment. If you can get some talking therapy that would be great. Perhaps the Doctor would prescribe some pills to support you in the short term whilst you come to terms with everything going on in your life. I wish you all the very best for a happy future xx

Bless you! It is not a surprise you are suffering anxiety. It is still early days in your bereavement and all the other things, like the virus, broken pipes etc mount up.

It is nearly four years since my DH died and I found bereavement counselling extremely useful and, like *Dillyduck, I joined Way Up which has been very helpful. During this lockdown, I am missing the monthly meetings but, the Forums are still open.

One tip, if you decide to try Way Up, is to put Way Up Forums into your browser or you will get an employment/business group.

This is a lovely group, with lots of very wise advice and compassion. Thanks to all who reach out to those in anxiety and some degree of meltdown