Betrayal

So very sorry to read your post. Yes betrayal hurts no matter at what age we experience it. Posting such an honest brave post does you real credit and I am sure talking through what yu are coping with will help. There are many lovely people here and I am sure you will find what they have to say is helpful. There will be no easy answers but there will be honest sympathy and I am sure that in time you will begin to see something to help you to cope a little better. Hang in there, we all go through tough times and most of us do get to the other side. All the best.

My heart goes out to you.i can't understand how someone can do that. My the world is crazy. You sound a lovely man who devoted everything you have to love and take care of this woman and out the blue knocks you right of you feet. It sad that there are genuine men not cheaters wife beaters you name it out there. I am sure you will with the support of gransnet help you through this time in your life. Focus on you and take it one day at a time. Hope this is of some comfort and help take care. Anne09

You may now feel a bit easier in your mind expressing your distress. There are some very supportive people here and also some who will tell you firmly to pick yourself up and get on with your life.so best of both worlds. My suggestion try to do one positive thing every day however small and focus on this at the end of every day. It could be as simple as buying yourself a bunch of flowers , take a short walk and listen to the birds. Sounds a bit trite but gentle steps forward. Ring and say a quick hello to your family and keep your tone as positive as u can. Xxx

Hilda, Anne, Winefride - Thank you for the sentiments, they are much appreciated.
I must confess I have tried as much as I can think of to get over this to the extent that I have re-decorated the house. packed all her belongings neatly for her that she has long since collected. I have removed all photographs and pictures of her and us together and replaced them with those of the grandchildren, my son and his partner and my daughter and her partner but to be honest the pain and hurt is still there and a daily curse.

Anne - I did devote all my time and energy to nurture, love and care for this woman, I'm afraid I am built that way, I wish I wasn't, but I am finding it almost impossible to focus on myself. I have spent all my life looking after others as my operational job dictated and now just cannot seem to look after myself. I just seem to care too much despite what she has done to me. It is said there is no fool like an old fool - never a truer word spoken.
Thanks again.

I do partly understand what you are going through ps. When you are used to being part of a couple to suddenly be alone is awful. I lost my DH to cancer some 18 months ago so my situation is different from yours but the difficulties are similar.

All I can say is that it does get easier, right now you can't think you will ever have a "normal" life again but you will. There are still times, especially at night, when I do sob my heart out but these are becoming fewer.

I would say concentrate on your children and grandchildren, if possible have them come to stay for a weekend. You say you are isolated, do you mean you live in the countryside with no near neighbours or just isolated from your family?

I have found that Gransnet is a great place if you want to "vent" and everyone is very supportive. Do take care of yourself, we all wish you well.

Welcome - and keep posting - there are lots of people who will be able to help and support you.

Huge life changes are always difficult; and this has all been a terrible shock to you. Give yourself time to get over it. I think the advice to focus on your grandchildren is good - they are the future and that is the direction you need to be looking in now. Please try not to dwell on the past.

You did all you could, but it sadly did not work out. That does not mean that life in the future will be as gloomy as it feels at this moment - though I know it is very hard to see that just now. You need time to recover from the shock.

Keep in touch with us all during thsi dffficult time. You need to restore your faith in human nature and chatting with people on Gnet could be a good way to do that. Lots of nice people here.

ps A very sad situation for you, and coming to terms with it and getting on with your life will take time and strength on your part.
Draw that strength from your family and your new friends (us here on Gransnet), and you will survive and feel better eventually.
Talk to us, moan and weep, the members on here are a very kind, helpful and supportive bunch, or just keep logging on and reading the ups and downs of life that we all have to work through.

Chin up

Sunseeker
By isolated and alone I mean that I am from the North Hampshire Downs and currently living in the North West of England. The only people I know up here are work colleagues (not socially) her mother and father, her brother and his wife none of whom I now have contact with as she has obviously introduced her new man to them and that is now her life. I literally know no one else as I spent all my time previously with my now ex.
Forgive me but I am not familiar with the abbreviations in use but by DH I am assuming you mean 'dear husband'. If so I do offer my sincere condolences. Thank you for your sentiments and I am not ashamed to say that like you sobbing alone is a frequent occurrance but I look forward to the instances becoming less frequent. I guess it shows you have feelings and I can understand how much you must miss your husband.

What a shock for you. This lot will be full of support and help.

ps, you will find the meaning to abbreviations at the top of this page to the right side - 'acronyms'. I struggled to understand all of them too, as I'd never been part of a forum before, either! I'm very glad that I did join Gransnet, for all sorts of reasons. I've entered discussions, gained comfort, and (I hope) given comfort. You'll find a good few men on here as well, and I hope they are able to comment - having another man's perspective on your situation may help a bit.
I feel your utter despair coming through your post, ps, and can only echo what the others have so far said. If you can, keep in touch as much as possible with your family. You're still grieving and need to keep talking about your ex-partner, just as you would if she was no longer living. Have you had any access to counselling? This would maybe help you come to terms with your emotions a little?
Please keep talking to us. We're not a soppy bunch, but are (hopefully!) friendly and sensitive to each others' emotions. We are also, in the main, quite feisty!
Be kind to yourself, ps.

Marelli - many thanks for the tip, I had guessed right it seems with 'dear husband'.
My family is all some 200 miles from me and yes I have received counselling and still do but to be perfectly honest I'm not certain it is helping in any meaningful way. Hopefully it will in time. I guess the emotions are still raw for me and the fact that she is demanding I sell everything knowing that I have nowhere to go is obviously not helping my recovery.
However I do not wish to become a bore or self pitying individual as that is just not me or should I say was not me but I confess I sincerely appreciate the kind words. Your point of "utter despair" is probably as near to how I feel right now as could be described. I cannot wait to rediscover the me I have known for 64 years.

Is there a chance that you would be able to move on retirement, either nearer your family or back to your roots? A fresh start, even in a tiny dwelling, might be the boost that helps you to mend.
A friend once told me that when her husband left her she 'went to bed for a year', until suddenly one day she found the strength to move on. I look forward to reading on here in the near future that you are starting to recover. I am sure there are several grandmothers on here who are wishing that we had been able to spend our lives with someone as caring as you, you deserve better, and I admire your dignity.

ps, that 'you' is still there. You won't become a bore or seem self-pitying - just chat away and get to know us a bit. We may be 'virtual' friends on here, and some of us have come through quite a few hard and difficult times, but have received such comfort and support. Just accept this warm arm around your shoulders and stay in touch with us?

ps your post is written with such feeling and goes straight to my heart. I don't understand as nothing so awful has happened to me but I do feel very strong sympathy for you.

The fact that you have posted after 5 months may be the first sign that you are starting to come to terms with your loss and get on with your life. I would suggest that you leave it longer if you can before making any life changing decisions. Maybe don't retire for a while?

I do think you should get legal advice about her request for you to sell up and give her what she wants. Perhaps in so doing you will feel stronger and more in control.

Don't lose touch with her family if they still want contact with you. They have been part of your life for so long and may feel a bond with you.

Where do your children live? Are they near you?

Are you ready to start looking for a life outside your home? Many on here have done so when they retired or after a loss. You could join Rotary or U3A. Maybe you like to swim or do some sort of fitness training. It will be a challenge but you may find you get a lot out of it. I have certainly enjoyed getting fitter since we retired and also meeting lots of new people. Give it a try but take small steps at first and stay on here to let us all know how you are getting on. You will get some great help and advice here.

Stay strong.

PS - my heart goes out to you too. You will get over the shock in time, but I know you don't believe at the moment that you ever will.
Forgive me for mentioning the financial implications - no argument if you own the house jointly. Ditto for the property overseas. But she may well be demanding half of everything hoping that you'll roll over and give it to her, as she sounds as if she has been taking advantage of your generosity, both financial and emotional.
Do follow some of the practical advice above, and remember- one day at a time!
Hope these cheer you up a bit.

I mean the practical advice other g.netters have given you. Also, I was writing my thread when Moved sent hers, so probably duplicated some things.

Great minds Red

I had been married for 26years,I loved my husband was a good wife,he was a good provider and a workaholic ,he loved his job and the friends he had there,I was virtually a single parent,our relationship suffered I felt increasing unhappy and lonely in the relationship and very isolated emotionally from him,he chose not to see it despite my trying many times to open a conversation,he chose to deflect all my attempts one night I shattered his world by telling him I was so unhappy I was moving out,he said he had no idea...ps I can hear your pain and utter desolation,but I didn't walk away from a good man out of spite,but because I couldn't take anymore,if I didn't take his calls or texts it is because I was unable to hear his pain without feeling guilty,the guilt at hurting another human who didn't deserve it was awful but I also deserved to enjoy my life also
We had only been separated 3months and the most awful tragedy hit our family,we had to start pulling together as parents despite our separation,we didn't reunite as a partners but as parents and 10 years on he has been in another relationship for 9.5 years as have I,please don't take this the wrong way but if things are going well in a relationship you don't walk away if you are truly happy,I still feel guilty after all this time,and I am sure your wife does too.
I am saying from the other perspective,please carry on letting GN support you as we all in turn have supported each other through really difficult times....I am sending you a hug you sound as though you really need one (((((((((( ))))))))))

my heart goes out to you,the loneliness much be physically painful. Please eat and drink healthily you don't want to get sick. You say you are use to taking care of other people.What about helping with animals? In America people can foster animals if they can't adopt.walking a dog or just playing with them would help them and you.

Ps Separating/ divorcing is very much a bereavement and in some ways worse as the other person is still alive and there is always the niggle as to what they might be doing, feeling etc. it is almost as bad as a death to recover from.
Like Smoluski I walked away after 28 years but because of his alcoholism. It was a very hard decision but one I had to take for the sake of my health and also that of our two grown up children who were making themselves ill with worry wondering all the time if I was OK. In my case my ex only lived for another three years as the scotch took it's toll.
Although we were not a couple any more I still helped him when he was in dire straits and it was me who arranged his funeral etc. Now over twenty three years on I am married again - for seventeen years - and have a nice retirement. I will not say there are no problems - things are never totally smooth when there are step families but our life is good.
I too felt despair but the birth of my first grandchild shortly after the separation was a huge consolation. Looking after him saved me in the middle of many a dark night.
I tell you these things with the wish it will help you see that you too will recover and find some solace and maybe great happiness in the future. I moved a couple of hundred miles away from our marital home and remained there - maybe the suggestion for you to consider selling and moving when you retire would be a good solution for you. You will have time to join new things and to be nearer to your family could be good for everyone. Sometimes we need to go through dark times to appreciate the good ones which follow.
At the moment it may take a time for you to sell either of your homes with the markets as they are in many places. There was a suggestion also that perhaps you should take legal advice - quite possible that you may well discover facts you had no idea about which could help any decision you make.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you well with all my heart and hope that at the end of this long tunnel you are in you will find light and happiness. Please do keep us posted, when you feel you would like to, so we can help you perhaps and eventually rejoice with you.

Movedalot - I'm afraid her family probably do not want to maintain contact as I did write to them to express my thanks for everything they have done for us in the past and for their friendship etc and explaining that the split was not what I wished or wanted or in fact was expecting. I also sent Christmas cards but sadly never had a response. I was aware however that she and her new man was spending a lot of time at her parents and brothers. I have accepted that now.
I'm afraid my children, grandchildren in fact every one of my family is in the South of England. I am alone in the North West. I am not sure I am ready to look for outside interests yet but I do keep reasonably fit (I spent all my working life in the underwater business). I desperately wanted to face a good walk yesterday but turned back to the sanctuary of the house after 5 minutes and although determined to go out today have failed to do so.
Smoluski / Bez - I can, in all honesty, say that I did not have a clue. We were, as far as all indicators showed, blissfully happy with no worries or ploblems at all. In fact on the Sunday before she left we had the children and grandchildren for the weekend. At dinner and in response to a question from the 5 year old she replied that of course we would be seeing them again at Christmas as was the annual ritual, why say that to a child if she knew she was leaving on the Friday. I wish we had been arguing or not getting on but that was not the case, in fact nothing like it, which I guess is why I find it hard to accept.
I'm sorry but I never expected the kind response that is evident here. I am truly touched and grateful and I will try to digest all the advice. Sadly however I cannot see the end of the tunnel let alone any light that may be waiting there. Memory triggers are still very painful especially at certain times of the day when we used to do certain things together. I am told that time is a great healer and as much as I acknowledge it has only been five months the pain seems worse now than it was. I guess it doesn't help being alone in the house which is a situation I have never ever been familiar with and I am ashamed to say am finding difficult to cope with. I have not seen or spoken to anyone at all since Thursday afternoon. Thank you.

ps being alone with your own thoughts is unbearable at times,I really do wish you peace and the strength to move forward,the pain is probably harder to cope with now as the numbness is wearing off and the realisation is setting in of things you have lost,when tragedy struck I could only deal one day at a time,sometimes an hour at a time,but we get through,one day the sun will shine again for youxxxxlove nellie

How dreadful for you. She sounds like a really cold and calculating person. It happened to me twenty years ago and it took me around two years to come to terms with it and move on. Why don't you get a dog for company and walks? Honestly, a dog is a great ice breaker and is brilliant for making you get up in the morning! You will recover from this and become a stronger, happier person. Good luck and best wishes.

Hello ps, so sorry for you, it was obviously a total shock, and you are naturally still reeling and devastated.

It is hard to make new friends when you feel so down, but could you consider joining the local ramblers on a trial basis, just to get you out, in some company? Possibly tell the leader before the walk that you are recently separated, and want to keep off that subject, if you'd prefer.

Being out in the fresh air would be so good for you, and just a brief social chat with others would help you, even though you don't think so at the moment. Why don't you try it, by ringing the local organiser and agreeing to come to a specific walk.

It's a shame you are tied to that area for now, but if you are feeling desperate, could you have a couple of days holiday, and go south to stay with family or friends just for a few days? You can explain before you go that you are in a bad way, I'm sure they would be supportive.

What ever happens, its really good you have posted here - you can express your feelings freely and others will understand and support you. All the best