Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

It does sound as if your d.i.l. could be ill Nonnie. We think our ES must be to have said and done the things he has. You are in an extremely difficult position because if you were to notify the police it could well prevent your DS from seeing his children. It's so cruel to use children in this way. It's bad enough when this happens with GP's but when a parent is totally reliable on the affability of their partner to have contact, it really is awful. for you and your DS.

Lying seems to be a common occurrence in these situations, if telling the truth doesn't justify their behaviour lies seem to be the next best thing.

I think not really knowing for certain the cause of these estrangements is also common Celeb, we're the same. We have our suspicions but the nearest our ES ever got to an explanation was "things change" and "we mustn't do this, it causes too much trouble". At least these responses went some way to confirming our suspicions which is more than some get, you and grannyactivist for starters. That must be harder than no explanation at all.

When is your holiday Celeb? We've got 7.5 weeks still to go; can't wait but must stop wishing my life away.

HELLOOOOOO to you too Yogagirl. It's nice to have this lovely new thread and so many good posts already. After I'd posted about not going for counselling about this, I had the same thought as you, we do get good counselling on here. There's understanding, useful information, contributions that make us think and sometimes enable us to see things from another perspective and support; what could be better.

It's been a good day today, managed to get plenty done which hasn't been a feature of my life for the last weekand DH is cooking tonight, spag. bol. So while he works away in the kitchen I'm going to have a glass of. I'll make sure he has one too and here's some for all of you.

Have a good evening one and all.

Galen I have absolutely nothing to hide. I am sure it suits a lot of people to hide behind anonymity, each to their own.

Smileless it is only just over a week Saturday so very close can't wait to get on the plane

Glad you had good day.

OH just gone to dentist extremely nervous bless him. He needs 2 or 3 things done so making bit of fuss so would I of course.

Smileless there are no reasons really why any human being could discard another and alienate them to such a degree; especially a parent who did their best, my first and v good counsellor taught me that it is futile to look for reasons, there are none that justify what has happened.

We have the obvious s I law factor and the fact that our daughter wanted her dad to see the children and he was Adamant he couldn't so we can deduce he is the person behind it.
Why other than control we do not know.

Yogagirl hope your day went well how is your nd has morning sickness stopped yet?

Have good evening everyone

Ooh forgot to ask did anyone take up the interview offer from journalist is a fe mail thing from mail apparently.

Counselling and other talking therapies are a completely different animal nowadays and may possibly provide sone assistance in dealing with the situations in which you find yourselves. Whilst not wishing to denigrate the comfort you all obviously derive from this thread, it is providing support and not counselling. I'm glad that counselling has been beneficial for Celebgran.

Celebgran....Galen offers good advice on anonymity.

We did the 'cutting out'.

However I have been reading the old threads and i often write the odd post. I recognise some of the names
As well as the names I recognise some of the traits that have been written. The lady who posted about her DIL being ill is the reason I posted.
If you get a moment, just do a bit of research on 'Toxic people' it might explain some of the behaviour.
I would recommend counselling, it's mentally and emotionally exhausting dealing with someone like this, just talking about it helps.

I was told you can't control how other people act and what they say, but you control how you deal with and react to them. It's helped immensely I do have another session booked for this March, it will be my 3rd time. I'm a lot stronger and prepared for the future. Definitely recommend.

Thanks katek I do try be careful not say names did not mean to sound ungrateful x
I found it hard to find good counsellor original one retired, and apparently I am not eligible for nhs counselling, Now unless I am clinically depressed or suicidal. it is quite pricey saw one lady and felt on edge she kept looking at clock didn't see. Worth the money sadly.

Morning girls
Lovely sunny day
Thank you Celebgran my ND is doing really well, we are going wedding dress shopping Saturday morning . With councilling you need someone you connect with and more importantly, someone who understands estrangement. When I went for mediation, the councillor was wonderful & made me feel tons better, I still remember her name, unfortunately my D didn't attend, so that was the end of it
I am in liaison with Sadie from the DM regarding the article on health problems associated with stress from estrangement.
I missed your smileless, just as well as I was teaching my yoga last night

I cant help thinking that if I was in estrangement with a member of my family, particularly a daughter, I would badger them and pester them and get other family members to ask, to find out what it is that is wrong.

Now this may not end up solving the problem, but I would have to know what the reason is.

The problem with that soontobe is when face to face with your estranged child, you don't get an answer. "Things change" isn't an answer, what things? How have these things changed? "We mustn't do this it causes too much trouble" What mustn't we do? Speak? Have a relationship? Love one another? What trouble does it cause and to who?

Our ES has talked to his brother and lied. He met up with his father nearly 2 years ago and lied. His friends, some of who we've known for several years blank us, one even intimated he would carry out a physical assault on my DH because he believes the lies that have been told to try and justify the unjustifiable. That particular young man came to our home to play as a child, when this situation first arose, we'd known him for more than 20 years. Common sense goes out of the window.

The youngest son from a perfectly normal family gets married and only 8 months after his first and only child is born he cuts his parents, maternal GM and maternal uncle out of his life. His paternal GM is so upset at the treatment of his parents that she tells him she loves him but cannot see him any more. Other family members who are contacted by him and his wife ignore invitations to meet with them. He has only one of his own family left, his brother.

What ever the reason or reasons may be, his decision to cut us out of his life was not made because of any thing we did or didn't do, say or didn't say. I know this to be true because the disagreements and irritations that occurred over the years, that all families experience, could never justify his behaviour. The lies that have been told aren't the reason either because they're lies and even if they had been true, still wouldn't be sufficient justification.

Redheadedmommy we have done some research on toxic people and it makes quite frightening reading doesn't it. The toll it takes mentally, emotionally and physically can not be over stated; at least we don't have to deal with our d.i.l. anymore, just try to live with the damage she's caused. I'm pleased that counselling is proving beneficial.

Here's somefor you Yogagirl as you missed out last night. You must be really looking forward to Saturday. That was one of my problems all those years ago with counselling, we just didn't connect and I think you're right about seeing some one whose had experience with the problems estrangement causes.

That's not good Celeb, clock watching when you're supposed to be counsellingdoesn't say much for private health care when you were better served by the NHS. How much is it go private?

Sorry for the long post ladies

That is why I said particularly a daughter. Though actually, if it was a daughter that had a difficult partner, then that.. hmm. Not sure how much I would push the issue then.
It all gets more complicated with a difficult partner involved. I can see that better after your post Smileless.

Yogagirl....a counsellor/psychotherapist doesn't have to be an expert in estrangement - their expertise lies in understanding people, their emotions and reactions to life events. Life events/crises can all be very different, but emotional responses are remarkably similar regardless of the originating circumstances. There are only so many ways in which people work.

Good counsellors can cost up to £50 per hour and a psychologist £100 plus.
There are numerous voluntary organisations/charities though which can offer counselling and support, and many GP practices have counsellors attached.

Our gap surgery used it have counsellor but there's all changed now with nhs cutbacks.

Personally I want this thread to help us all to move on and try not to dwell on the reasons as that does not help us.

In answer to your question soontobe gosh don't you think we wouldn't give anything to actually speak to our daughter and ask her why?, we were cutoff without any reasonable explanation and no chance to talk s in law went to police to try prevent further contact accusing us of harassment.

Other family members ie brother and our precious son did try but to no avail.

A niece caused lot of trouble under guise of helping so it is not straightforward. She bragged about hearing from her and having contact no,nit didn't help us.

The whole situation is horrendous to any loving
Parent it is not what happens and makes you feel so very very vulnerable and different from other parents and grandparents.

Enough doom and gloom just arrived home from great day out in London.

Glad your daughter doing well yogagirl when is wedding? So exciting!

Smileless your situations is muchnnewer than ours but scarily similar.

Morning girls
soontobe when this first happened I asked family members to help, to speak to my s.I.l & set up a meeting, where I would apologise for anything I'd said that had upset him. My b.I.l who is a lay preacher said no, my S & previous f.I.l (my C GD) both spoke to him, my s.I.l turned them both against me, I haven't seen my DS since & my f.I.l didn't speak to me for a year, till he got the same treatment as me & now we are speaking & meeting up again, but from my point of view it sour a 37yr friendship.
I also sent an email to his parents saying the same with no reply. You would think by this I must have done something heinous! but no. When my estranged D was stopped from entering their family home & stopped from seeing her babies (eldest not his) after an argument, my D stayed with me, she was absolutely distraught & he & his mother were so cruel to her. I mediation on the phone & when I said "you realise Jenni will get custody of Laila therefore jack & its the mother & C that stay in the family home, its the man that leaves" (said to make him realise it wouldn't stay as he had it;him in the FH with C) on saying that his hate turned from my D to me, he took her back & cut me out! Sorry everyone that's heard all this before

Thank you smileless just gone back to continue reading post. Same as you, everyone in our family are cut out of my estD life, apart from her B,my S, but as he is travelling Europe she doesn't see him either!
Thank you KateK I would love someone to analyze my situation.
Celebgran I too had the police round, I was accused of trying to kidnap my GD when I went to her school to say hello to her my D&GS. I was threatened with an harassment order! I didn't even get to say hello, as my D turned back into the school when she saw me, this was the day after Motheriñg Sunday!
for all & for tonight

If there is a controlling s-i-l, it seems that options become limited to say the least.

Or d-i-l

Absolutely soontobe if the s.i.l. or d.i.l. doesn't want you around and your S or D isn't prepared to make a stand there's nothing you can do; there aren't any options.

Before our relationship disintegrated we were able to talk things through with our ES. When he left, we would still feel positive that a way forward could be found but we just hadn't realized how much control she had over him and it never occurred to us that we'd lose him and our GC too.

It's such a terrible thing to do isn't it, to get between your partner and his/her parents and destroy their relationship. I just can't understand why anyone would want to do such an awful thing and how can our children allow them too. Not to mention the outrageous allegations, I mean what are they thinking. Sorry, rant over.

There seem to be a lot of similarities with us all Celeb. For you and Yogagirl it's your s's.i.l. that have been the stumbling block, an understatement I know, and for us our d.i.l.

Ooooh a day out in London Celeb, well what did you get up to? Have you been hitting the shops and if so what did you buy?

You must be really looking forward to tomorrow Yogagirl, have fun with your DD I expect between you you'll choose a beautiful wedding gown.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's bday celebrations for my m.i.l.'s 85th. Here's somefrom me to go with Yogagirls. Now if Celeb and soontobe chip in too, we might have enough to get a bit tipsy.

Happy Friday everyone

Totally right smileless no place to go if. S I law or d I law see conspiring to alienate you.

We just see d 2nd marigold hotel enjoyed reminds us of holiday to India.

Husband just cooked delicious,steak and being washed down by nice,Rioja.

Smileless can't help thinking sooo similar our little Grandaughter that we absolutely adored was only 9 months Tor had been. Married 2 years and sadly her beloved Grandad has just died when she began acting strange and talked about her new family.m her dad was in wrong for working so hard, ironic as they couldn't got their houses without his money, hard earnt and looking back s I law was drip feeding her that she would be better without us. I was due to care for little mollie one day week when she returned work, then Tor broke it to me she wanted s I law to cover child care and m I law. I was soooo upset and really guess that was writing on the wall.

Never mind we will not go over pleading again.

No more anonymous letters have arrive which I. Way is shame as police won't pursue suspect unless we get another one, but,we shall see.

Happy weekend all, and do hope wedding dress was chosen !
Bittersweet remember going with Tor and paying for her dress, she looked stunning soo slim I was v proud of,her then. However even o wedding days felt we were the poor relations so to speak she burned to her s I law to hug after they were declared man and wife, and I thougt then I am being pushed aside. However I was invited to hen do, also pamper day with other bridesmaids so she did really seem to love me then, oh god what I would give to turn back time, Could I have done anything different?

Sorry smileless I can't see post while typing we did enjoy day still felt wheezy,so was good sit o. Coach and driver we had before he is excellent
At taking us round guided tour of London. We stopped at Westfield for cup tea and bought husband new bow tie for cruise that was all

Lunch was good at strand palace carvery been before. Or quite so good this time often the case but good.

Me again enjoy celebrations for m I law 85th smileless! X

Oh Celebgran I feel your pain! I too was feeling in second place even though I paid for their wedding & organised it. I accepted that his family came first, yet my precious GD wasn't even thiers!! But that wasn't enough for them we had to be completely out of the picture! My D just had to say "No!" she would not cut out her mum & sister, but she said "yes"
For you Celebgran

Yogagirl thank god we can support each other been hard week after that letter but we feeling good or was it then wine ?!

Did your daughter choose lovley dress..?. When is the big day? Sorry 20 questions.

Thankfully we are not in this situation, but I just wanted to wish you all well, and to say that I think grannyactivist's post is spot-on: to get on with life as best one may under the circumstances, but to keep the link up in some way, however tenuous, which leaves an opening for reconciliation without recrimination if the opportunity should present itself.

The difficulty is that the longer it goes on the harder it becomes for either party to mend the breach. So little cards and gifts sent via the postman are a good way of saying that you are still in my heart and that my thoughts towards you are positive ones. That message is a good one and may one day bear fruit - there is definitely nothing lost by doing this.

I agree Mishap but it's so difficult to do when there's either no response or a hostile one. Each time you do something like sending a card, letter or email even though you don't expect to get a response, you can't help hoping that you will. Then there's the inevitable disappointment when you don't. Thank you for your good wishes.

We had a lovely evening celebrating my m.i.l.'s 85th bday. All 5 of her children were together, something that doesn't happen very often, plus 2 of her GC. It was a memorable evening.

How did you and your DD get on yesterday Yogagiirl? Did she get her dress or is she going to continue looking?

It was our DS bday yesterday and he did a sky dive. Said it was the most amazing thing he'd ever done and as it's something I've always wanted to do, and he'd love to do it again, we're going to do it together. DH was a bitbut said 'OK if that's what you want to do but I'm not going to watch'; bless him.

Hope you're having a good weekend Celeb. Enjoy your Sunday ladies.

I am not sure if I was Smileless I would keep sending things as often.
Did you say that you live on the same street as your son and dil and gc?
It is possible to be in someone's face. I am not saying that you are at all Smileless, but every family set up is different, so I think that sometimes there is something to lose.