Strained Relationship with MIL

I'd say accept differences and back away because as you say mil has harmed the relationship with her son and he has backed off. MiL's not your family and the distance is a huge blessing, let those factors work for you.

OBTW, my other side of the dynamic, as a GP, I refuse to engage on differences with children in-law. I have full up adult children and we all keep the peace by walking on eggshells around in-law expectations.

I never have alone time with my grandchildren or children in-law, I am not their mum and I like my children to be in the same basic space for any disputes.

If a dil isn't family, who is? However, I as a mil respect the boundaries, I don't drop in, there when needed, never give advice unless asked, make sure that everything I say is positive and acknowledge she comes first for my son. I tread carefully which doesn't come naturally to me. I loved my mil and this is how she treated me and I was glad about it. Purple sneakers, where she is now, is where you will be down the line, bit of distance and time will sort it out.

As your baby gets older you will be busier and there will be less opportunities to meet up with her anyway. I think it would be reasonable to stick to family get-togethers when your husband is also present. Please do try to talk to her about all of this - or get your husband to. The thing that most upsets grandparents is when they are cut off without explanation and without the chance to put things right. She might be hurt initially but in the long run it will be for the best

It all sounds a bit tense, purplesneakers, a shame for you all. I'm not sure what it is exactly that you and your husband are finding inappropriate and difficult to be with. I wonder, though, if the basis could be a difference in expectation. We all create pictures in our heads of how things are going to be and then are surprised when others don't have the same picture. Is it that your mother in law is full of 'suggestions' about your son that seem critical? If so that is likely to be a misunderstanding about current thinking about babies rather than real criticism. Or I hope it is! Or does she have vastly differing expectations of how much time she will spend with you and your son? I'm wondering what boundaries are being crossed.

You are trying to see it from her viewpoint, which is wonderful. Would it be possible for there to be a gentle chat about how it is for you all? I guess all us grandparents get it wrong at times, no I don't guess, I know we do. The vast majority of mothers in law want a good relationship with their daughter in law, or indeed son in law, sometimes they just don't understand how to do it and need a bit of help. I have my fingers crossed for you all. Of course for now spend time with your mother in law in a way that feels acceptable, but do have a think about moving things on through conversation. If there can be changes thathelp you all then that will be wonderful, if not you will have tried. Wishing you all well.

You never have time alone with your grandchildren Sue ?

That's incredibly sad .

I think Corner makes some very good points Purple , good luck

We had that constant complaint, "wish I lived nearer so I could see you more often," but MiL never bothered to visit us even when we were struggling with the kids and DH in hospital. It was always DH who had to go and fetch her and take her back, yet she could get herself away on holidays around the world quite easily. I would advise just getting together when it is necessary and pretty much forgetting her the rest of the time. It's good your husband feels the same way too, mine was dutiful but nothing beyond that.
eddiecat makes an interesting observation that a GP should be given the chance to put things right. We so wish MiL could just turn round and say one nice thing like, "you've done well raising your GCs," but it never happens because some people are selfish and only see things from their own perspective. Keep the contact low key, your child will know she exists but will never get to know her anyway.

I cant help wondering what your mil has done?

I think it is incredibly sad not to have time alone with grandchildren.
Nine months is very young- people seem to be at their worst at the baby stage. It all gets better when the child can walk, talk and have decided views of their own.
I would just carry on as you are and see how it pans out- the distance helps.

Same here. And don't feel I can comment until we know.

My post was following on from Ankers.

How sad not to ever have "alone time" with GC, I wonder why Sue avoids this? Having time alone with GC is lovey for the GPs, GC and their parents. I cherish the times I spend with GD, teaching her to bake, taking her fishing, to the cinema etc, all activities her busy working parents aren't able to do with her. Obviously any activity is checked first with parents, before any arrangements are made.

I think we all have to look at ourselves to understand each situation, but on the whole supportive, loving, unselfish GPs are rewarded by having quality time with their GCs. The ones who want it all on their terms or who offer to help in a begrudging way are not helpful. Some GPs, and we have experience of this, just want to be paraded using their GCs as trophies.

It would be interesting to have some insight into the behaviour of this lady.

I think we need to know a bit more of the background.

Thanks for your responses everyone. I really appreciate the different view points.

To elaborate for Cornergran the behaviour that we are finding difficult is Mil's tendency to be overbearing, too frequent and too long phone calls, asking intrusive (in my opinion) questions, lots of unsolicited advice, inviting herself and other family members to our house (we prefer to host at our convenience).

In short, it all stems from my loving but over-emotional MIL wanting a different type of grandparent role than the one that is evolving. She would like to be more intimately involved and needed. She would love to treat me the same as her daughter, which sounds nice in practice, but for an independent and private person like me it is overwhelming and her love and attention often feels smothering.

I would like to be good friends. I do not need another mother.

I've taken on board the suggestion to have an open discussion. I'm not afraid of conflict but I am very wary of hurting her. I think a lot of her behaviour stems from fear. Fear of not being shut out from our lives, fear of not being close to her grandkids, fear of losing contact with her son... Her fear adds a drama and intensity to her interactions with us - which is why it is easier to deal with her in a group setting.

Well, she is making an effort albeit somewhat OTT in your eyes.

Yes, tell her how you feel, what sort of a person you are, what boundaries she needs to respect, and if she is loving, like you say, she will understand. Many of us wish we could have had a MiL who showed an ounce of interest!

With respect to the boundaries I mentioned: DH was quite upset he needed to talk (and talk and talk again) to his mum about over night babysitting (we don't want any just yet), having to arrange suitable times to visit, respecting our decisions as parents and accepting no ("we're not available at that time", "we don't want to host, lets all meet out at a cafe", "thanks but I'm fine settling the baby). After an argument or talk, he has then discovered that she has complained about him and his 'rules' to his siblings. His siblings find his mum hard work and they are thankful we were the first to have a baby.

She did help out for a few days right after the birth. It was nice to have help, but it was exhausting dealing with her - we haven't invited her for an over night stay since then. She has offered (lots) and we have kindly declined.

We since found it she greatly exaggerated her help to other family members. Which we just found weird.

Oh dear it does sound like some things need 'airing' between you. The relationship between your husband and MIL sounds strained at the moment, you said she wasn't respecting boundaries and this has impacted on time spent together.

It does however sound like her offers of help, and your refusals could be a tad hurtful especially as you have such an outstanding relationship with your own family.

You ask for advice from 'seasoned grandparents' and mine would be to try and 'build bridges' whilst you still can. The years have a habit of flying by, and the longer things are left they can sometimes become non repairable.

Best of luck, it does sound as if you want to do something positive, by the fact that you've asked for opinions.

Sorry, our posts crossed. Your last one adds more info.

Also for more info, my family is overseas and have not yet met the baby! They will be here soon for a few weeks (staying in a hotel).

Gosh, too much love and attention..what a cow she must be.

Is there such thing as too much love? You carry on being 'an independent private person' and see where that gets you.

You 'do not need another mother' maybe you don't but kids need all the grandparents they can get and love........

It is just the way another fmaily runs itself inviting people round etc. You like visitors 'at you conveience'.........crack on lovely, it all sounds a little cold to me.

If you love you husband........what made him the man he is? That mother and that family.........

Thanks Bobbysgirl
I very much would like to get things back on track, so we can both enjoy our new roles as parent and grandparent.

It is difficult to have such a conversation when fundamentally it is a case of her wanting to be more involved with our family then we feel comfortable with. I agree with pp that time might help soften this message.

Radicalnan thanks for your perspective. I'm sure my MIL finds me a bit cold too but love can be expressed in multiple ways. MIL and I have different ways of expressing it, which means I find her 'smothering' and she may find me 'distant'.

I'm not changing my personality (nor do I want her to) but I would like advice on how to build a bridge so we can all get along together.

As for your final comment, the mother that 'made him' is the one he is currently wanting to go low contact with. That is his choice, I would prefer a more amicable solution.