Cowardly and cruel?

It's very painful for you, phoenix. Why do some mothers do this?

I speak from experience. When my MIL died DH and I did everything we could to make her final months as 'cheerful' as we could. He would do a three hour round trip to take her out, see to the garden etc., etc. I would send home-cooked meals for the freezer, letter, photos of her DGCs etc.

I'd always got on well with her and assumed she was proud of DH and his achievements.

BUT....She wrote letters to her children and their spouses just before she died. Mine was lovely - the kind of letter that would make you cry every time you read it. DH's, on the other hand was awful. She outlined every fault he could ever have had. The boot could not have been any more put in. It broke his heart and I was so angry I threw it on the fire.

When I checked with DH's brother I discovered his wife had also received a letter full of nasty put downs. His sister wouldn't reveal what hers had said.

Do we assume that their minds are not completely sound when they write these things, that they don't mean them?

Sorry you have this upset to deal with.

I'm so sorry for all of the pain you've been through and continue to go through.
I hope that one day soon you will be able to move on and find some form of closure.

Do you have to read the letter? Will it bring you any peace? Or was it just created to cause you pain?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Phoenix. It's been a rough time on all sorts of levels.

I'm a bit confused as to why your son would read a letter addressed to you unless of course it was just a folded piece of paper and the content unknown without reading it. is he the executor of your mother's will and her only beneficiary? I'm also not sure how you feel about being allowed 'some bits'. Do you want anything tangible?

I'm sorry, too many questions, I don't want to be intrusive, just trying to understand. I wonder if you have been able to decide what to do next? That letter feels a bit like a time bomb.

You sound so frustrated with your son, understandably I think. I hope there is support for you at the funeral, I also hope it will help as a way of saying goodbye to your Mum. When relationships get so difficult it can make saying goodbye even harder. Please take support where it is offered. Look after yourself.

Oh phoenix this is all so sad and difficult for you. I don't understand why your son read a letter intended for you either.
You have to say your goodbyes now and not get caught up in all the details, you have already focused on a positive thing about your mother keep hold of that. You need to grieve but look forward as well, this too will pass. Wish I could help more

Try not to let it damage your relationship with your son. Could your mum have hoped it would do you think? I wonder about your mum's mental state in those last months / years. I imagine you will feel you have to read the letter but if it is horrible try not to take it to heart. It is like someone making sure they have the final word isn't it knowing you can't reply? A ' normal' kind, loving mum does not try to put the boot in but tries to do everything in their power to improve/ enhance their daughter's life. If she has written something contrary to that it is her problem and not yours. Take care xx

Thank you for the posts, they are appreciated.

My son is the sole executor and the main beneficiary. She left some money to her 2 nieces (my cousins) and some to he couple that used to help with cleaning and gardening, but haven't worked for her for over 10 years(!!) also a donation to a local childrens hospice.

Everything else goes to my son. Many years ago he was renting a flat that was damp, so she bought him a 2 bedroom end of terrace house, (I don't mean gave him the deposit, I mean bought it). He has just sold it as he & my DIL live in a Housing Association property. He will sell her house, as he doesn't want to live there.

All sounds very cruel Phoenix, and I do hope that your son didn't open a sealed envelope!

Maybe you should get DH to read the letter first, in case your mother says something hurtful regarding DS2

Solicitors often advise clients to leave a letter of explanation with the Will if they are leaving someone out who would usually inherit, but that letter's only supposed to be read if the cut-out person contests the Will.

I don't think your son should have been given access to the letter, phoenix but what's done is done and it's up to you to decide whether you want to read it. I'm sorry that this extra grief has been added to your burden

The title of your thread is very apt, Phoenix. More than cruel, your mum sounds vindictive and your son seems to be devoid of insight , kindness and compassion.

Please have someone supportive with you when you read the letter. Then get on with living your life and being happy. Perhaps at some point, you should write down the story of you and your mum for others to read in due course. Include your mum's sash etc. with the account. This may help you move on, which you must now do, for your own wellbeing.

Sending you hugs and hopes you turn this cruelty into something positive.

It's a difficult situation you find yourself in, OP, and you'll doubtless find a way through it. In fairness to your son, he has been in a tricky position for a while, by the sound of it. His mother and grandmother are estranged and he has had to navigate family relationships as best he could. Now he's dealing with the funeral, will and associated fallout. Try to be kind to him and to yourself.

Trying to be Devil's advocate here. It is recommended in such circumstances to leave a letter
(a) so that the will cannot be contested and (b) if the reason is written in the will, the world and his wife can see it.
I do hope your mother has explained her reason for no contact with you, then at least you will have answers to the questions that have concerned you for years. If it is to have the last word and deliberately upset and hurt you more then that is indeed cruel.
Your S should warn you in advance and if necessary advise you not to read it.
Best wishes for tomorrow.

Just to add, I personally would not be going to the funeral. I would not want to be paying my respects and I would have said my goodbye years ago.
I would also not give the congregation the satisfaction of the nudge/in draw of breath moment.

??? Phoenix

Awkward Phoenix!.

I don't think your son should have read your letter but as you have not had the opportunity to read it yourself it will either be 'as expected' or 'could surprise you'.

At first sight the letter could be deemed as your mother having 'continued control' over your relationship together but it might simply be the case it was suggested by her solicitor.

The only fact you have is the distance kept between you both whilst she was alive. She may be a truly devilish person in death and would enjoy causing further angst or she may have never found the guts to change things between you, saving face so to speak.

There is of course another issue that has been mentioned and is the one, if you don't mind a stranger mentioning , the Big One. Your relationship with your son.

Be careful not to let the hurt you experienced with your mother mirror your relationship with your son. That would possibly be the icing on the cake as far as she would have been concerned if your letter reads as you suspect.

Read your letter, go to the funeral, thank your son for doing a good job with regard to the funeral arrangements and if necessary go home and shed a tear if the exasperation of it all hits you.

So sad We never know what's going on in another person's head. I have three sisters. I thought we all got along well. My oldest sister is rather eccentric and some funny little ways which make the rest of us giggle. A few years ago she sent a letter to my house addressed to my other two sisters and me. She accused us of laughing at her, making fun of her, lots of 'how dare you' and 'who do you think you are' parts to it. We were so shocked as we had no idea she felt this way. She hasn't spoken to any of us since. Good luck Phoenix

Oh how sad and painful this whole business is, and I cannot even think how you must be feeling. As others have said, don't let this awful business and nastiness cause a rift between you and your son. Some people do suggest writing a letter to the person who has caused you pain and hurt, it can be cathartic, and although your Mother cannot read it, at least you have got it off your chest. Above all, keep your dignity in all of this, you have done no wrong, hold your head up at the funeral. Perhaps some bereavement counselling may help?

Perhaps your son read the letter in order to spare you some of the shock and hurt if it had come out of the blue .
My mum left me with hurtful memories too. After many months travelling hundreds of miles daily to visit her in hospital , she informed me days before she died that she really didn't like me . Impossible to argue with someone who is dying ,you can't walk away , or let the hurt show when you're the one arranging the funeral. But it hurts so much and I'll never ,ever forget the look on her face when she said it. I hope I won't do anything as hurtful to my nearest and dearest .

Phoenix you must be feeling awful, i dont think you can do anything but go with the plans that are already in place.Why dont you arrange with your Minister to have a small private prayer service in the next few weeks, just you and him, it may help you

Crikey, phoenix, and I thought my mum was nasty! Nothing to add to the advice here except you know we will all be with you in spirit whatever you decide to do. And thinking about you tomorrow!! (((((hugs)))))

Phoenix, similar thing happened when our nasty Dad died. Disinherited all three of his children because we had dared to let him know how miserable he had made us. Hey ho.....its water under the bridge now because I sort of fell apart at the Doctors on an unrelated item at the time of his death and she recommended a councillor to me to, in her words 'get the old so and so out of my head'. It worked. I have been able to parcel it up and mentally file it under 'old stuff that is dead and buried'

I'd recommend doing the same or at least boring the pants of a disinterested friend who can let you just let of steam about it....in here even!

Good luck and do not let the past poison the future!

Thanks to all who have posted.

My mother was a controller, that's for sure! When an Uncle was ill, I asked my ex husband how he was to be told that he had died, they had all gone to the funeral (including late DS2) but had all been instructed not to tell me

My late stepfather, when he was dying in hospital asked to see me alone. Among other things, he made me promise to always "yank the chain", and he wasn't referring to flushing the toilet.

To be brutally honest, I think for the last 10 years she has used the money aspect to control people

I can't honestly believe that a mother could do that to her own child phoenix (unless you were some sort of evil monster which I know you are not). She is obviously controlling from beyond the grave and your son had no right to read a letter addressed to you (unless he was told he could do so).

So sorry phoenix

How very distressing.

I would endorse mumofmadboys' comment that it would be so good if you could find some way of not letting all this destroy your relationship with your son. I do not know why your son read the letter or appears to have ignored your suggestions as regards the funeral, but I do know that if you fall out with him your mother (who sounds a very difficult lady)will have won - she will be manipulating your feelings even after death. I think you do not need that - rise above it, as they say; you deserve better.

You are right that writing such a letter is cowardly - I a sorry you have this to contend with.

Oh Phoenix, I feel so very sad for you and the hurt that has been given. There has been lots of good, helpful advice to you here, and I just wish that we could scoop you up and hug you better. Best wishes to you .