Best friend's widower's new partner

It is sad that your friend was a "very jealous person"; but life moves on and she is in no position to feel jealous now - and it is not your job to take on this unhealthy emotion on her behalf.

If you are good friend with her OH, then be happy for him and welcome this new lady. If you find she is not your kind of person there is no reason why you should invite her again.

I feel sorry for the new lady in your friend's life. She must be very anxious about meeting you,and it is hard to step into a set up where everyone but you has known each other for many years and has a shared history. I have a friend who has made a very happy second marriage to a widower, but in secret she has said to me that she is very aware that she is only there, with him, because his wife died. So, my advice for what it is worth is to be the kind and thoughful friend that you are, make them welcome for just a short stay, be flattered that he wants to share his happiness and make his new partner welcome, take them out and about. You may develop a new friendship!

We have empty bedrooms as we're old and our children have flown. No different really than having any guests, you do know him and get on well. Give it a go, a little like the first you have a sil or dil over. It could be a wonderful adventure.

I can't believe some of the replies on here. It's 3 years since she died, the new partner wasn't the OW, it's a wonderful compliment that he wants her to meet you- he must be serious. We have been in this situation - my dh's best friend died and about 3 years later his widow rang up to ask if she could bring someone to meet us. We danced round the kitchen with sheer joy at the thought that she had met someone special. Plan some nice things to do - go out for a meal one of the evenings. If for any reason his late wife comes up in the conversation, just deal with it naturally. We were lucky with our friend's new partner because within an hour of meeting us he said very thoughtfully 'It must have been very hard for you when X died - I know you were all close' .

Has he mentioned what the sleeping arrangements would be? You had better ask to save any embarassment!

I am always interested in posts on here as we see how people think about things differently, which is why this can be so helpful.
I personally would have no problem in accommodating someone who was a friend / companion of another friend, and indeed would expect to put them up.
The issue about 'betrayal' is difficult, if you know how your friend would have felt (good for you for keeping her as a friend if she was that jealous!). In similar situations I find myself saying that I will keep both feelings in my mind: so I would say 'I am glad that X has found someone to share his life with AND I know that my friend would have struggled with that'

I would also suggest that you find out about how she likes to spend her time and have a few outings / walks etc. either planned, or at least in the back of your mind.

I understand your feelings of loyalty to your dead friend, but she is dead. She no longer knows anything about anything. Everything is "until death us do part". None of us,; the widower or the best friend can live their lives according to the supposed wishes of someone who is gone. Maybe you will like the new person - an opportunity to make a new friend - or not!

I have been in a similar position with a dear friend after her divorce she met a lovely chap and we had them to stay, it wasn't straight forward as the two men have completely different interests but they stayed two nights, we planned a day out and meal out one evening and before we knew it they were on their way. Another friend lost his wife, another good friend of mine, about 18 months ago and has now met someone else, I have been trying to work out myself how I get through the first meeting, I guess we have to deal with this more and more as we age. It is a compliment that they feel they can bring their new partners to meet us, we take our cue from them as to whether previous partners are mentioned.

Meet up half way if your friend lives a long way from you. A meal together to get to know each other and set some common ground is just right. See how you all gel before talk of staying over. That would suit me but I am a more reserved type and making conversation all evening and then first thing in the morning wouldn't suit me.

I agree with Rigby46 - be happy for your friend and welcome his new partner. Im sure she is more nervous than you. Hopefully she'll be a new friend but if you dont hit it off you dont needed to do it
again. We also have a widowed friend who was very lonely snd bereft after his wife died. He has now met a lovely woman who we get on very well with. She is very sensitive about the fact that she's replacing a dearly loved wife and she is often mentioned in conversation without any awkwardness. So i wouldnt worry about feeling disloyal!

Sorry - we have friends who met each other two years after both were widowed. We had known him for years and we welcomed her into our house on their third date. Twelve years on they are very happily married and have thanked us for our understanding and staying friends with them . What are people supposed to do when they are widowed? Lock themselves in a cupboard? Life is for living.

They are actually coming for a specific event - a festival to which we are all going. I'm sure it will all be fine - it is only a little niggle in the back of my mind about how my friend would feel. Having lost my two closest friends, my husband and my brother in the space of three years I sometimes feel I have more in common with the dead than the living! (That is a joke by the way, but with an element of truth) All my closest confidantes have gone. My sister in law told me when she was 95 that she found life very lonely because despite family and friends there was no one left who shared her memories, so I suppose that is part of it. I'm very lucky to have a very close family network but never a day goes past when something doesn't make me think 'I must just tell....whoops, no I can't'

If I were the new woman I would not want to stay with anyone I didn't know anyway. I agree that at least a meal together sounds sensible first, and less of a strain. If they don't live near enough, a good old Premier Inn or a B and B could be an option.

I agree with the others who say meet up first. Halfway? A night at a hotel halfway? She might welcome this more than staying with you, it won't be easy for her either. You'll probably get on really well, you sound like a lovely person and want to do your best to be friends with this lady.

Jealousy wasn't you friends best characteristic and maybe at times it might have made things difficult for her husband and friends. So I think you can put that aside and concentrate on your friends best characteristics and let those influence you from the grave.

As people tend to choose someone like their old partner lets hope this one isn't jealous.

The sleeping arrangements need clarifying as another post said.

If they offered to stay in a hotel they might think that would offend you especially as you are all going to the same festival.

Why isn't he inviting you to stay with them first? If HE was the one who was your best friend the situation would be different but it wasn't; it was his first wife who held the friendship of your two families together.

Although you, of course, want him to be happy he,in effect, is trying to bring a replacement friend for you as he must hope you'll all continue to be happy in each other company. I would suggest meeting on neutral ground for the first meeting and then see how you feel about them both staying with you another time if you get on well. She may be lovely and someone that you could be really friendly with, only time can tell that.

Just tell him you are not ready to meet her yet. It is only 3 years since your friend died. I think he is expecting too much. My SIL died and her husband moved a woman in after only one year. His children refused to meet her so she moved out. A bit too soon I think to expect to accept someone else, who I don't doubt is very nice, but you are still feeling sad about the loss of your friend.

Oh for goodness sake .....welcome her with open arms and enjoy yourself.....have a gin and tonic before they arrive..... 3 years is long enough for a man to be on his own poor chap.

It is only 3 years!! That is a very long time by yourself! He needs to enjoy the rest of his life. I'm sure that's what his wife would want for him. If I died I would love my DH to meet someone else and have some fun and enjoy life.Come on!

Many great suggestions here. The ones I've picked out are "life is for the living" & "till death us do part"
I think they sum the situation up. You were a loyal and supportive friend during her life, and he was the same as a husband, but that period of your lives is over. Three years seems a long enough time to mourn the loss. He's about to start a new phase and so are you.
I'm imagining his thoughts about you....a lovely loyal friend who he shared many happy relaxing times with. Having lived with you for a long period, he must have got to know you very well, and therefore feels totally relaxed about staying with you.. He must feel blessed to have found another person to share his life and now hopes you will welcome her into your life too.
If you lived nearer there would probably be better alternatives but the distance narrows down the possibilities.
I would take it as a compliment, fling the welcome mat down and go for it. Whatever transpires, they live far enough away if you don't care to repeat the experience. On the other hand, if you like the new friend and get on well, there could be a lovely new period ahead in your life. At least you'll know that you made an effort and were the kindest, most welcoming friend.

"The sleeping arrangements" made me laugh, but not in a good way. It might shock you but old people have sex, and shock horror some of them aren't married.
I hope that was a joke, but I've a feeling it wasn't.

How about meeting half way and everyone staying overnight in a travel lodge hotel if finances come into it, or a nice spa hotel if they don't?

Stop fussing and inventing obstacles. Cope. There's no way you can reject this woman without upsetting your friend.

Should have read your last post before! They're coming to a special event near you so it probably just seems the natural thing to stay with you. But I still have reservations especially as you're on your own. You seem so nice and wanting to be friends and for everything to go well. I really hope it does and you have a lovely time and make a lovely new friend - you deserve it!

Ha ha ! have to laugh at this dilemma (maybe I shouldn't !) but in my case I met my now husband after he had been a widower for, also, three years ! Not only that but he had built himself a villa in Spain where he had a lot of friends .......He 'sent' me down to Charlton to meet his sister and his dear old mum before I met him (long story !) ....they were lovely but very oddly they asked me if I knew him that well (?) (I didn't since I hadn't even met him face to face at that point (only speaking on the phone !) ......I then flew to Spain where we promptly got engaged ...he had arranged a party with all his friends ,,,,,again they were all lovely and accepting of me ....told me about the 'others' who had been out to meet him ...and again, asked me if I knew him that well ..... I met his friend's widow (the friend being the reason he had decided to move to Spain ...best mates since forever and work colleagues) ...she was lovely and really pleased for him (she had been a friend of his late wife most of her life ...having lived in a flat above theirs when they were first married in 1956 ....but again that question ....how well do you know him (?) ...then I met his daughter who flew out for a holiday and so I asked her if she had any objections to my marrying her dad as, I said he told me they had a wonderful marriage ....at which point she burst out laughing and said 'Did he tell you that ?' ....and explained about how their relationship was ...so much so that she had to move out and get her own flat !!!

Of course I didn't believe any of them .......after all, I had known him for three months and they had all only known him for 68 years (apart from obviously, his daughter, who had only know him for 38 years !!!....I found out why after a few months ....but hey, life is short and we have to make the most of what it throws at us ....so be happy for your friend hope the woman knows him better than I did my husband ,,,,,,,she may well be apprehensive about meeting you as you were close friends of his late wife, so be kind ! ask him if you can, about sleeping arrangements .....a friend and her 'friend' came to stay with us en route to visit his daughter in the Dordogne .....although we have 3 bedrooms, one is my office and is not going to change for anybody, so they slept in the same room which has two single beds ,,,take it or leave it ! We hadn't met him before but he was lovely ! a retired GP she had known from years ago and whom she re met when he was a widower and she retired back home to the UK after a career in Australia ....he was 90 (and drove all the way down here from the Isle of Wight) and she was then 77 ) sadly he passed away a couple of years ago so now she lives on her own in a retirement flat (now 81) ......

I would not hesitate to talk to him about his late wife in front of his new friend ,,I have photos of my husband's late wife in our house ...and why not ? They were married for 42 years and she is not going to object !people ask me why I have a photo of her ...but I say why not ? (I don't have any photos of my ex ...but then he walked out for the barmaid so it; different !)

We had a great time now having been married for 16 years ...still friends with his friends and a few old friends of mine have been to stay with us (mainly in Spain, where we had a lovely villa with a pool so they ostensibly came to see me but I feel probably more for a holiday !!!! but why not !)

You will only find out if you get on when you meet ...be accepting of her and you may find another true friend..she will never replace your dear friend of many years but she will always have a place in your heart and your memories ! Don't worry ...be happy ! [hugs]