shell shocked

Easy to say, and obviously a huge step, but how about saying "goodbye"?

Oh dear. How horrible for you. I'm wondering if he's unwell? It does sound completely unreasonable. Is there anyone else in the family you could discuss his behaviour with?

How awful for you, he is probably feeling guilty for being a burden with his illness and his lack of financial contribution and took it out on you.
That is not to excuse him. In your place I would tell him to leave the house that you have been paying for all these years.
You do not have to put up with this, illness or not.
Right now this minute I would put one small item of clothing in the washing machine and turn it on.

A first step would be to use the washing machine once a week and not bother to put any of his things in it.
You shouldn’t tolerate this teddy.
If it’s really completely out of the blue, I agree with jane10 he may be unwell.
But if in retrospect, there have been signs of this coming, it’s time for a ‘conversation’ with your OH about how you’re not going to spend the rest of your life in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I imagine that if you worked full time as a senior nurse you have your own pension & could be financially independent.
Good luck.

I assume you get an occupational pension as well as the state pension? If so what is all this about him 'keeping' you? Sounds as if you've been keeping him for years. Perhaps it's time to leave and let him be poverty stricken all by himself.

On second thoughts, perhaps it's time for him to leave, not you, seeing as you've been paying all the household bills all these years....

How awful behaviour like this I would certainly not tolerate even if it was caused by him being unwell.
Can you not enlist another member of your family to make him see sense or even go and stay with your son and give him a short sharp shock which I think he needs,I am so cross for you.

If this is a personality change from how he was before then he could be suffering from early dementia. How very distressing this all must be for you.

Thank you all for your comments.I worked in the NHS prior to having my son.I drew the pension.Later I formed myself as an agency and hired myself out to the NHS,never giving a thought to the future and it is absolutely my own fault that I get £200 a month for the last few years that I worked directly for the NHS.

Oh my word sounds like a huge shock and revelation Has he always been careful with money or is this a new phase ?Bathing every three weeks (to my ears who loves my daily shower) sounds totally unacceptable even bathing once a week isn’t enough for me I m afraid and what right has he to tell you when to use the washing machine
Do you love this man.? is my first question
It’s a shame you never saved for your future but you can’t undo what is done but I d start from now putting away what you can as this doesn’t somehow sound as if it bodes well for the rest of your retirement

Thank you all,you have given me lots of food for thought.He always parked his lorry in a layby at night, if he had to sleep out,so he didn't have to pay.He would cook a tin of stew at night and a small tin of potatoes.He makes a pot of tea and puts one Yorkshire Tbag in and one from the market.He is ill,I took him to the DR last week who said 'I won't beat about the bush,you have a growth in your right lung 7.6cms'.He has to see consultant on the 8th Jan.My husband says they have made a mistake.He had CT scan when he was in hospital a month ago and they showed nothing.

Teddylll I think you should rule out any medical condition causing this personality change. At least discuss it wil your GP and try to find an excuse for your husband to be seen afterward. You should not just accept this behaviour, feel so sorry to read what you are going through. X

Having read your last post now Teddy I wonder if he could have some cerebral involvement if he has a neoplasm. You give examples of quite extreme parsimony. Very hard to live with I’m sure. I do sympathise, horrible for you. X

Oh dear Teddy this all sounds so awful for you. I have no advice - sorry - but send you my best wishes and a {{hug}}. I really hope things improve for you in the future xx

Just going to creep out and go and pick my son up for the New Year.He has nowhere else to go.

Maybe he is unwell but, personallyspeaking, I don't think I could stand living with someone who was so dictatorial and spiteful. Perhaps you should think about making some alternative living arrangemnents, if at all possible.

This does sound an intolerable situation - however, I would agree with others that it could be caused by illness or by being terrified of what may be wrong with him.
His behaviour sounds irrational and, as Luckygirl said, could it be the onset of dementia too?

Gosh I think I d go and have New a Year with your son in his flat you said your husband hates him won’t that just cause more upset
It does sound as if your husband could be very ill if he has a lung tumour which in turn could have brain involvement, (depending if it’s malignant or not of course) I m surprised the doctor dropped that into the conversation without giving more information perhaps you ll hear more on the 8th. Will you be going with him ?
If he’s always been so tight and controlling I m surprised you are surprised it just sounds as if it’s normal to him but increased lately, maybe it’s more about the sentence that he’s not going to be looking after you in old age but if you ve always been the main bread winner he may not see it as anything changing
Sad all round

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give me thoughts of goodwill and advice.It has really heartened me.
I will have to examine my options,very carefully.I was always confident and optimistic.I will discuss this with my brother,not to burden him,just for his opinion. So unpleasant,it has shaken me.

Teddy111, when my friend was diagnosed with lung cancer, it had spread to her brain. I understand that this is not an uncommon site for a secondary cancer where the primary is in the lungs so this could be affecting his behaviour. Like Luckygirl I also think it could alternatively be a symptom of dementia. As you say you are the main bill payer in the family so it does seem odd for him to see himself as having to support you. The fact that a CT scan did not pick up the growth, proves nothing. CT scans are not full body scans and depending on where in his lungs the tumour is, it may not have covered that area of his lungs or it is possible if his problem was with his heart, or his lungs were congested the doctors were not looking for a tumour and may not have noticed it.

I think you would be wise to talk it through with someone like your brother who knows and understands the situation and can help you clear your mind and decide on a course of action. My feeling is that it might be better not to decide on a course of action until your H has seen the specialist and the prognosis for his cancer is clear. Talk to his GP, if you can about, your H being assessed for possible dementia.

In the meanwhile, keep posting, many people in situations similar to yours have found that being able to post on GN has helped them and we all are here to give you the support and (sometimes conflicting) advice you seek.

Teddy111 I do think there is a medical problem here - either early dementia or problems from the lung tumour.

Don't make any decision at the moment, see what transpires on the 8th January.
I am assuming his behaviour is totally out of character, if it is not then mull thru your options.
I personally would not be bullied out of my home by this selfish brute.

I m another who thinks it could all connect with lung tumour and brain secondaries best to hold hard till hes seen the consultant I hope for his and your sake it’s not but it does seem a possibility
Good luck

I'm sure teddy has posted before that her relationship is rocky, and her husband not always the nicest, so I'm not sure its an 'out of the blue' thing.. still horrible though.