Sons marriage in crisis

Oh dear. What a sad and difficult situation. Some men do find the transition to being a dad as opposed to a husband difficult. Did he always have a problem with change?
I can't say more than that you sound such a kind sensible person that I'm sure you'll be a big help to the family.

Others with more experience will come and offer practical ideas on this forum I'm sure, but I think you are doing exactly the right thing by supporting your family and being there for them, and you have nothing to blame yourself for. You are obviously a loving and caring mother. Having a baby can be a testing time in a family, with the upheaval that ensues to life, so it may be things improve later. Please be kind to yourself x

Jane10 our posts crossed!

I think you are in shock especially just having the baby you adore and coming back off holiday and having no idea this was coming
You won’t be the first or last many of us on here are watching our families as we know it break before our eyes just as my mum and dad must have watched when it happened to me, their only child, so throw away the guilt that’s sapping strength you need for other things you can’t always ‘see’ mental health problems coming
Practically do what you can , help with the baby as much as needed, continue to be there for both as you are anyway , (you are very very lucky you have a husband by your side)

Is your son open to talking ? Can you get him to the doctor he needs professional help as soon as possible? With the right help they can get back on track or find a decent way of staying apart Talk to your daughter in law too she may well be in shock but most of all accept it’s nothing you ve done wrong and be by both their sides, through this difficult time and good luck

Thank you for your support it really helps to be able to vent somewhere other than in my poor husbands ear!
My son is getting help, DIL took him to hospital and they have got him fast tracked for therapy and he is on meds now, they recognised immediately what was going on thank goodness. He's always been sensitive and struggled a bit when they moved from us in to their first home but he's also confident, has a great job and adapted to fatherhood far easier than we expected, he adores his daughter and does everything for her.
He says it just all overwhelmed him one day and he had to tell his wife everything as he was having a panic attack. She has just gone back to work so the timing couldn't have been worse as he was in the childcare Rota so she's had to go to Nursury for an extra day while we muddle through.

I know what will be will be but boy it's hard, husband says there will always be a brick wall along the way , you just find a way through it or over it you just never turn back! Xx

Got the t-shirt. I can only say that provided DiL still loves him they will in all probability come through this ok. Apparently it’s quite common. Your DS may well think he has little feeling for DiL, but given time he’ll realise this is part of the breakdown and withdrawal and his love is still there. It’s brilliant that he got the help he needs so quickly.

Hang in there and good luck

This is what we keep telling them both, she's hurt and angry at the minute which i understand so he's staying here to give her a break, she Does want things back on track but realises it won't happen over night, we can only do our best and hope it all works out I guess

The fact that he is so well loved and is already receiving help bodes well.
All you can do is go on supporting each other as you're doing as a close family.

I do identify with your feelings of failing as a mum but we have to accept that we aren't superhuman, can't foresee crises, don't have the ability to solve all the problems within our families.
Take comfort in the fact that you are clearly excellent parents and as nfk says - hang on there.

If you need to get things off your chest this is the place! Now breeeathe!

He is getting the right help. DIL needs the support of all of you to understand that it isn't really about his feelings towards her, but that he is unwell. Time and proper treatment will carry him forward.

None of it is your fault. A DD of mine has a mental health problem - I never think about it being anyone's fault. It is just bad luck.

How wonderful that they both have your love and support

Life throws us so many challenges, but somehow, life also gives us the strength to cope.
Hope it all works out for you all

You sound a lovely family and very sensible. The fact that you are all talking and supporting each other is excellent. There are some mental health charities like MIND that may also be able to offer you and your DIL some advice, bearing in mind that you, your DH and DIL also need some support as carers for someone with a mental health issue.
Please don’t blame yourselves for this! It is very difficult to foresee a mental health crisis and it is not something anyone should be carrying guilt about. I realise that this is easy to say but I have got the tee shirt on this issue and I know how debilitating guilt is?
Please remember you have lots of people rooting for you ??

What a shock for you Jobey it's not your fault at all, OCD is an illness like any other and can be treated. Your daughter in law has had a shock too but will come to realise its the illness talking not your son. Don't worry about the future just take each day at a time and continue to love and support your family as you are doing.
I hope things get better soon.

No advice for you, but sending you and you family love and hugs.xxxx

He needs help and support and I'm just glad for you it's come out now after the initial upset and hurt you will all pull together and get him the help he needs. My heart goes out to you all as a family stay strong x

Hang on in there with your DS and family. Time really is a great healer.

And don't look for changes in the short term. Focus on what is wanted in a year's time and don't keep measuring progress. Let time pass and then look back and see how far you have all advanced.

Good luck

It sounds like all the right things have been done with regard to getting treatment quickly, its not your fault at all and your DIL should try to see it as an illness that is being treated and be thankful he did tell her however painful. She wouldn't be "hurt" by say a broken arm. So it sounds like take a big breath, be practical and help where you can, in fact just what you are doing - good luck

There are so many of us here on GN with major problems to do with our children and most of us feel guilty (I certainly do) but, as Bluebelle says, try to ditch the guilt as it’s only sapping the energy you need for other things. We had a major bust up at the weekend but my DH is also unwell so I can’t burden him. And, like your DH Jobey, he’s always been a proud Mr Fixer and finds it so hard that there’s nothing he can do. Keep talking to your DH and to us, and enjoying the baby for some light relief. You’ll come through this together.

Just support them all as much as you can.

This has brought back memories from when we found out that our DD had post natal depression and didn't tell anyone how much she was suffering for many months.

The good thing is that your DS told you about his problem (so many men don't) and that he is getting treatment. It's really not easy watching them suffer but with lots of help from everyone he will get better eventually, it really is one day at a time.

Good luck and enjoy your gorgeous grand daughter who will help you get through this x

It's great you DS is getting help but your DIL needs it too. She will no doubt be in shock and feeling terribly betrayed especially as their baby is so young which would have already taken a toll on her. It might be a good idea to get her to talk to someone. Is she in the sort of employment where Occupational Health can refer her to some talking therapy? A lot of companies offer a 6 week program to their employees and their families. If not, somewhere like Time to Talk maybe offered in your area which might not be as quickly available but is a really worth while service.
It sounds like you are a lovely family who have the chance for this to work out well. Although this may be really difficult right now, it may well be the thing that makes your DS and DIL stronger. It is often things like this that make you realise if you can get through this, you can get through anything as a couple.

Having OCD, is something ,that with help, can get better, my sister suffered with it and with hep, is now a lot better, Your DS told you about his problem, and that alone is a big step, Wishing you and your lovely family all the best, Hugs xxxxx

Can't had anything just sending virtual hug take care ?

You wouldn't think that it was your fault if he had a physical illness. This is not your fault either. I doubt if he and his family would have turned to you if it had been.
As long as he is getting the right help from his GP and the medical profession as a whole (and that does sometimes have to be fought for) it seems to me that all you have to do is what you are doing save that you have to stop blaming yourself as that I not going to help anyone and is unjustified.
It is a hard thing to deal with but the fact that his wife understands and that you are there puts him in a better position than many that have these problems. It may be a long road and you cannot be in a heightened sense of anxiety yourself for months or years. If you can, take a pamper day off and be kind to yourself and then return to the fray.

Jobey68 I am agreeing with harris27 and LKPI.

I do get a sense that you are all angry at your son for being mentally ill and everyone else are victims of his illness. Think about how your reaction would be if the bomb had been cancer or a road accident. I think you would be supporting one another with the focus on your son.

Men in his age group are a high risk group for mental illness and suicide so be thankful he opened up to his wife, who sought and found appropriate help for him. I hope things will get back to normal but be prepared that normal might not be the right thing for your son and he may want to make changes in his life to become well.

If your hubby is his father I would expect him to be supportive and this is not beyond him. This is something that many families have to deal with. Dealing with problem gives us a wider understanding and view of life.

I think sometimes events which we view as happy, and which indeed are happy, can increase the feeling of isolation and desperation for a person who has underlying sensitivities.

Perhaps he has been carting this around for some time and felt afraid to speak out.

We (as a society) are still so backward with our thinking towards MH issues. I hope your son will slowly see light at the end of the tunnel.